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Young Writers Society



The Stars in Her Eyes - Chapter 2 Part 2

by Noelle


Without a sound, the two of them climbed out the window and headed off into the night.

The kingdom was always quiet at night. And not just because everyone was asleep. The guards were always out in full force. They were out at all times, but the night shift was heavily guarded.

Curfew was nine o’clock. It was one o’clock in the morning, well past that time. Milo knew that it wouldn’t be easy to get back to the Myriad, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t wait any longer. It had to be now.

They kept to the shadows as they made their way through the town. Most of their movements involved hiding behind cottages and sprinting to the next one when a guard turned their back.

What felt like hours later, they cleared the town and made their way across the countryside. While the town was populated by cottages and stores, the countryside was littered with farms and livestock. Cara and Milo had to run across many fields to reach their hideout.

When they finally reached it, they slowed down. Milo stopped and looked at the old barn for a while. It was an abandoned barn, one that had belonged to Cara’s cousin. It had yellow siding and a green roof. From the outside it looked old and beat up. But inside, it was a completely different story.

The second they walked in through the door, Cara and Milo were swarmed. Milo couldn’t keep track of everyone who came up to him. He recognized them all, but they moved through so fast that the second he recognized a face, another one appeared as they welcomed him back. All twenty-three members or the Myriad must’ve been there that night.

George was the last to come up. He was a short, fourteen year old boy who had sandy blond hair and green eyes. He was Milo’s right hand man when Cara wasn’t around. They had met just a few years back and quickly became friends.

He shook Milo’s hand, but looked directly in his eyes. There was an intense look in his eyes as he said, “Don’t ever do that again. You had them scared half to death.” By them, Milo was sure that George was referring to the rest of the Myriad.

Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this? Milo wondered. I was only gone for a few days.

“Yeah,” he said out loud. “Never again.” George nodded and moved on to talk to Cara.

Milo took the chance to look around the barn. Nothing had changed. The sink was filled with dishes – as it always was having twenty-five or so teenagers living together – hay bales were stacked in front of the windows, and the makeshift blankets and pillows were in a mess on the floor. Why couldn’t someone simply fold them or move them out of the way during the day?

But what really caught his eye was the blue carpet on the floor. The corner was folded up and it wasn’t straight. And that could only mean one thing.

“You had to use the hideout?” he asked, turning to face George. George was in the middle of a conversation with Cara, but his attention changed when he heard the word hideout.

“Just last night,” he admitted. “Guards came by. Farmer down the road gave us the signal. I got everyone down there just before the guards busted in.”

Milo’s heart ponded. “So they found our hideout.”

“Not exactly,” George responded, lowering his voice. “They think they did, but I’m sure they gave up that idea when we were nowhere to be found and the place was ransacked. So we’re safe for now.”

Milo breathed a sigh of relief. If it weren’t for the farmers that lived around them, the Myriad would’ve been taken down a long time ago. Thankfully the farmers weren’t scared of the Myriad. It was a small blessing.

“We need to talk,” Milo said suddenly, quiet enough that only Cara and George could hear. “Now.” George nodded and turned to the rest of the kids.

“Listen up everyone!” To Milo’s surprise, they all stopped what they were doing and turned to face him. “Go back to sleep. By morning, Milo, Cara, and I will have a plan. You’ll need you rest.” Milo watched in awe as they all wandered over to their sleeping places and got into bed. He always had to fight to get them to sleep. How could George do it so easily? Maybe leaving had been a bad idea.

George led them up a ladder to the upper decks of the barn. It was filled with old hay bales and abandoned bird nests. But it was also where Milo, Cara, and George slept. It was their little reprieve from the rest of the members. They were like family, but like family, they got annoying at times. They needed their breaks from each other.

“First you need to tell us why you left in the first place,” George said as they sat. Milo glowered.

“I don’t need to tell you anything. Why do you need to know every little detail of my personal life?”

“Because it had to do with the Myriad. That’s why.”

“No it didn’t,” Milo retorted. “I went into town to meet with my mother. And it just so happens that she betrayed me to my father. Okay? Are you happy now? Stop accusing me of hiding things.”

Both George and Cara were stunned. Whatever it was that they had been expecting him to say, it wasn’t that.

“There’s more going on than both of you can imagine,” he continued.

“So tell us,” Cara said, scooting closer to him. “We’re her for you. We’re a family, remember?” But Milo just shook his head.

“We’ll talk in the morning. Right now we need to sleep. I have lots planned for the week coming up.” Without a second glance at his friends, he laid down in his makeshift bed and closed his eyes. He’d need his rest if they were going to storm the castle the next day.


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Fri May 16, 2014 3:58 am
PrehistoricEchoes wrote a review...



Well, it's a good chapter. As usual I've waited far too long to review but I'll leave my thoughts here anyway!

First off, I found that some of your sentences feel choppy. They have a good rhythm, but don't be afraid to use longer sentences now and then. The average English teacher might cringe at an "overly long" sentence, but sometimes they're necessary to get what you want to say across to the reader.

There's a lot of revealing about this world I feel you could have done that was heavily glossed over. When characters are travelling, that's one of the best times to break out your worldbuilding skills and show off more of this universe you're creating.

Heck, you break down what could easily have made a decent chapter into this single paragraph: "What felt like hours later, they cleared the town and made their way across the countryside. While the town was populated by cottages and stores, the countryside was littered with farms and livestock. Cara and Milo had to run across many fields to reach their hideout."

There's a bit of decent reveal here and there with the Myriad, but overall it's a bit underwhelming. I expected something interesting, not just a barn full of kids. Are they as simple as they seem, or is this Professor Xavier's Summer Camp for Gifted Youngsters? I guess the next chapter will tell. And it appears that it's up as well.

Anyway, one last thing: Storming a castle would take weeks if not months of planning in order to execute. Even with the best technology of the time, storming a medieval castle is pretty much the equivalent to breaking into the Pentagon or Fort Knox. These characters better have a fool-proof plan or some crazy abilities if they expect to make it through the next day and survive. Also, "if they were going to storm the castle the next day." I don't know about this Myriad, but I would never go attack the heavily fortified and defended stronghold of the king after being notified less than a day in advance.




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Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:00 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



Bee-do bee-do- bee-do . . . Hi, tis me!

The kingdom was always quiet at night. And not just because everyone was asleep. The guards were always out in full force. They were out at all times, but the night shift was heavily guarded.

O.o What did I just read? *Re-reads three times* ok I am kind of getting it. But a) it wouldn't be very quiet if you've got loads of guards tramping around, and b) if you are saying their are more guards at night, then don't say "Heavily" say something like "but the night shift was especially well-guarded" If you just say it was heavily guarded, but you aren't basing it on any other number, than we don't know what it means really.

Curfew was nine o’clock. It was one o’clock in the morning, well past that time.

Umm . . . yeah I kind of got that 1 AM was past curfew. You just TOLD US!!!!

Why is everyone making such a big deal out of this? Milo wondered. I was only gone for a few days.

Now you sue caps for thoughts? You need to either use them all the way through, or not at all, but not just randomly every couple chapters.

“First you need to tell us why you left in the first place,”

You use the word first, twice, in two sentence. That's a writing no-no.

He’d need his rest if they were going to storm the castle the next day.

Wait, what?!?!?! no one said anything about storming a castle!?!?!?! where did THAT come from??


Well, I wasn't expecting this. The Myriad is a bunch of teens? And they are planning on storming a castle? That isn't gonna happen. And they seriously all live in a barn. 25!!!!!!! In ONE barn!! Gaah I better stop before I make you hate me. :P

~Messenger




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Mon Apr 28, 2014 5:40 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Noelle! I'm back to review your story!! :)

Main Points

By them, Milo was sure that George was referring to the rest of the Myriad.


I thought that this was pretty redundant. I mean who else could it be?

All twenty-three members or the Myriad must’ve been there that night.


and then you said this:

having twenty-five or so teenagers living together


So either you're confused with your numbers or there are kids living with the Myriad who aren't part of the Myriad? I just feel that you could clear this up a little more.


I agree with Birkhoff about the journey, you could have used it as a chance to reveal a little more about the lay of the land.


I 'm not sure how to feel yet about the Myriad being teenagers. You might have something really brilliant up your sleeve which could justify it. So I'll just wait it out and see how things go. One thing though:

they were going to storm the castle the next day.


You said it, now I wait for it. You said "storm" so I am expecting a storming of the castle sometime in the future! :D

Overall I am really enjoying your story. This wasn't my favourite chapter but it was still an interesting read. As the others said, the family ties an feuds really add to this. I can't wait to see more! Keep it up and happy writing!! :) :)

Silverlock




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:29 pm
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Iggy wrote a review...



Hey Elle! 'tis I. c:

Okay so normally I do nitpicks, but it seems the reviewer below me covered majority of them, so focus on the story I shall. And I normally comment on the story in chronological order BUT I AM SO MAD. I'VE GOT TO FOCUS ON THE MOTHER RIGHT NOW.

Okay so I've got a string of cuss words to use for her, but I suppose I can't say them can I? xD But I can't even right now. I am so pissed off. Here I was, thinking his mother was dead and that's why she wasn't around to put up with Vex's bullcrap. BUT NO IT TURNS OUT SHE'S ALIVE AND A FILTHY TRAITOR. Like seriously? Why did you do that? ;_; I hate her guts now. Why'd she do that? Money? Because she *gags* loves Vex? Something else?

So mad about that. But moving on. Cara just leaves in the middle of the night, without saying anything to her mom? How rude. How rude of Milo as well! I feel bad for that poor momma. She's gonna flip out when she wakes up. Or is this normal?

I like the part about George being able to send the kids to bed when normally it takes Milo fighting them for them to go. That shows me that hey, you might have some competition for leader... ;)

I'm a bit disappointed with the Myriad? I mean, a bunch of teenagers in a barn? Well, I guess that if everyone afraid of them, then they must be a scary bunch, no? Hmmm. *strokes beard* I suppose soon we'll see just why everyone is scared of them... until then, I remain unconvinced.

I can't wait to see more, so do let me know when chapter three goes up!

~Iggy




Noelle says...


Oh Iggy, you make me laugh! Yes the mother is a bit of a...female dog xD



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 2:55 am
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birk wrote a review...



Hey again Noelle!

Back for the second part of your second chapter! And this time I'm aware you posted awesome new stuff, so I'm not severely behind. (In fact I'm first. First ya'll! :D)

Okay, so in this part we finally get to meet these Myriads. Really excited for that.

One thing that was kind of disappointing to me, was that Milo and Cara arrived at the hideout of the Myriads so quickly. I hoped you would take some more time to describe their journey through the kingdom and the land before reaching their destination. I don't know how to picture this kingdom. I also thought the journey there was very short. In distance.

They just hoof it out of the city, go through some of the countryside and then they are at the hideout? That seems really close to the City.

Another problem I had with it was the Myriads themselves. There are only twenty-three of them, twenty-five in total? And their hideout is a barn? Eh, I'll get back to this later.

As always, I'll write as I go along:

The kingdom was always quiet at night. And not just because everyone was asleep. The guards were always out in full force. They were out at all times, but the night shift was heavily guarded.
While this paragraph is correct, it still reads a bit wrong. I know what you mean, that with the guards patrolling, there won't be any ruckus from any civilians. But with the way you write that the guards are out at all times, heavily guarded. They sound kind of noisy.

Edit
the next one when a guard turned his back.


Edit
In what felt like hours later, they had cleared the town


one that had belonged to Cara’s cousin.

Quick thing that just struck my mind. If Cara and Milo had been such good friends since they were six, wouldn't Vex have checked out all connections to her? (Wait, maybe also put her under watch? (Oh, future plot twist: Cara is a spy. Or a robot. I like robots.)

But inside, it was a completely different story.

I'd drop the comma.

Edit
All twenty-three members of the Myriad


Well, now we have finally found the Myriads. It's not that many of them, and they all live in a barn. And I guess they're all young teenagers. Even Milo's second hand man is just a kid.

To be honest, I had no idea they were supposed to be this young. From the way the story was written, as well as the chacters themselves, I assumed they were in their late teens. Maybe twenty? It occurs to me that I don't remember having any of their ages described before this, or am I wrong?

Edit
He shook Milo’s hand, but looked him directly in the eyes.


Milo’s heart ponded.

I had to look this up, but I get the feeling that's not what it is. Do you mean 'pounded'? I thought maybe he pondered about it, because he doesn't seem shaken in any way.

all wandered over to their sleeping places and

Does sleeping quarters go here? I might have used that.

“I went into town to meet with my mother. And it just so happens that she betrayed me to my father. Okay?
Whoa, this I really like! It would appear I'm really into the families in this story. Cara's father seems really interesting, and both of Milo's parents have betrayed him.

He’d need his rest if they were going to storm the castle the next day.

Yes....twenty-five teenagers are obviously going to storm the kings castle.
I think you had a brief lapse of logic there. This seems highly unlikely. When I thought these rebels were older, I still figured they would do sneaky stuff to fight back. But they are going for a full on assault? When they are this young?

Well, that's your second chapter. I guess I'm a bit conflicted on it.

You continue to write fantastic, and there are several scenes that has a lot of heart, though not as much as previous chapters. And your dialogue is just as good.

However, as you might be able to tell, I'm really cheesed that these Myriads were just a ragtag group of teenagers. It had such good potential, but with the characters being this young I just can't picture it having any sort of satisfying storyline (that is within realms of believeability).

As I said, I really love the family angles and I would definately continue with them. Even adding more emphasis on them. And this is obviously your story and you might have some cool ideas about where to go with it, but yeah, I really don't like them being kids. ;)

Lastly:
Again, this was written with no editing whatsoever since it's for CampNaNo. Please be brutally honest with reviews. Trust me, I can take it! :)
You totally forgot to add this! :D

Let me know when your next chapter begins. And I urge you....add a character named Jeff. It's always positive.

Keep it up!


Cheers
Birkhoff





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