Young Writers Society

Hi!

You are like the Mahaan of Metaphors. xD Well, in just few years, people are going to analysis your metaphors and torture the kids to understand/study them. I think I'm overdoing it? Well, all that's good, ends good. xD

And,

I assured myself and decided to face the music.

Heya Gaurav!

I have come to read another chapter! This was an interesting one because we were jumping time frames a lot. But we did get to see a bit of everything, his work life, meet some of his friends and some of the children there as well. I am looking forwards to getting to meet Anjali in the next chapter because she seems like a good friend of Sujoy's, and one of the people who is talked about a lot up to this point. But now we get to meet her! You've had quite the amount of reviews on this one too, so I best cover the little I can ^.^

I didn't often think so philosophically, but I was distressed

He awfully looked at me

as they watched their lovable cartoon. I kept looking at their innocent faces. 'What wrong have they done? Don't they deserve a better future?'

I'm going to be brief because I'm a bit tired, sadly that also means I'm going to be a bit harsh with you, brace yourself.

You have issues with you entire flow again. Especially plot flow, I don't quite see how this connects with the last chapter, I thought he was going to the Ashram but then he doesn't. Don't forget you need to use dialogue tags otherwise I will lose track of who's talking and have to read the entire thing again.

Again, personalities clash and this just doesn't seem as realistic as it should. That one guy with the weird food, he needs to be a bit more adultish if that's what he is. At first I though he was 5 until I heard he had a daughter, I have issues picturing him in my mind.

The character's personalities don't seem very original when compared to each other. I have a feeling you might be putting what you would do in these situations instead of thinking what they characters would do.

Overall, the only things you need to work on is flow of everything and your character's with their personalities and actions. Otherwise this is an interesting story, I'll read the prologue. Good luck!

Sushi

Hey Gaurav!
Budding writer here for a review. The others have already gone over on the nitpicks dealing with grammar so I'll just leave that part out and focus on the other things that I found while going through this.

Firstly I'll say that this chapter is a perfect continuation of the previous chapter. There are no break offs that could have made it confusing to the reader so that's a really good thing. And that should be maintained in the fore coming chapters as well so make it equally engaging as this chapter. Never did I feel the least bit bored at all while going through this!

NITPICKS:
"Two minutes later, a cappuccino in hand, I brimmed with energy."
It should have been *brimming*

" 'All your problems will get blown away, just like that wind.' I told myself."
I really loved this line. It totally shows the need for peace and how the MC is trying to put the events into the back of his mind. Good sentence structuring!

Another thing I loved was how you used locations such as Marine Drive. The character of your MC is like that of any typical Mumbai resident and as a fact I know the exact popularity of the place which I felt made your MC feel even more real and down to earth.

" Time flew by, but I stood still, until I realised it "
I understand that you have used "stood still" on purpose to bring out the contrast with the time flying by but still I felt as if it could have been written differently.

""Look at the time, Joy! It's 12AM." Aunty shouted."
I found this a bit confusing because I thought that the MC spent enough time at the government office and then he was at the Marine Drive so how can he come home so quickly?

"
My hunger had dried down "
It should have been "died" down.

" I shouted, after giving a constipation look to my colleague. "
This sentence didn't really work. You could have used something else to describe the disgust which he was feeling.

"For every question of boss, our 'sorry' was ready."
There should be a "our" after "of".

" Ultimately the circus ended at 7 PM, as our ringmaster was tired of bashing all the corporate lions."
This was just hilarious! Its a very typical mentality to the bosses to do exactly that! I loved the way you captured the typical attitude.

"Every resident in Mumbai felt like a stuntman, in our train." Lovely use of words. Again very typical of what takes place in Mumbai.

"I'm the caretaker of these children, not your girlfriend." She bluntly replied.
I know the caretaker is disturbed about something as you have mentioned but I still don't think even in her disturbed condition she would say this. You need to change the dialogue a bit specially in reference to the age because I'm sure the caretaker is quite old.

""Wait a minute guys, I'll check some news channels first." I told the kids, remembering Ajit's advice to search for NGOs. I switched on the TV.'
Here also I think Ajit's advice was not really neccesary to be put in as part of the sentence. Its not possible really to think about finding NGO's while browsing through news channels.

Overall I thought that it was really well written and your establishment of your main character is very strong. The other characters are also creating their place and I am looking forward to getting to know them better.I am looking forward to your next chapters. hope my review helped!

-Budding writer

Heya, Gaurav!

Blown away, as expected. And this sentence ...

The road to my orphanage was long and tacky, just like my own fate.

'You need chill, Joy.' I told myself and spent some time in a coffee shop.

The road to my orphanage was long and tacky, just like my own fate. I didn't often think so philosophically, but I was distressed. I saw a coffee shop and decided to stop. Two minutes later, a cappuccino in hand, I brimmed with energy. Strong I'd asked for and strong I'd received.

sixty five year old

My stupid alarm clock roared. I took out all my frustration on that lifeless object. Displaying my muscle power, I suffocated it under my pillow for ten long minutes.

Hi there!
You already have solid reviews which covers about everything. So this is going to be a short review.

If Mumbai had it's own dictionary, Marine Drive could have been named as a universal picnic spot. Jobless bachelors, college groups, lovebirds, and even orphans like me, gave it a flying visit every other day.

If Mumbai had its own dictionary.

And I would remove the italics from orphans. You say it like it is a bad or wrong thing to be an orphan.

Frennie Aunty opened the door, as I watched her annoyed face.
This is a oddly framed sentence.
Maybe something like
Frennie Aunty opened the door and I saw her annoyed face?

"Look at the time, Joy! It's 12AM." Aunty shouted. It was my mistake. I kept quiet until her 'you need to be more careful' lecture ended.

"Bye Aunty. Take care," I replied, as I tied the lace of my life, along with my shoes and rushed towards my office.

I asked, as a chocolate cake made it's way into Ajit's innovative dish. I felt like vomiting, while he was mixing all the ingredients with bare hands.

Ajit was a guy God created, after watching a mindless slapstick movie. He was well built, had a husky voice and a charming personality, but his presentation skills were worse than the Indian Parliament. Like the ministers in parliament, he was often caught sleeping in our office.

So, I read this and the previous chapter, but mostly right now I'm just confused. Like...well, it took probably half of the first chapter before I understood what was happening at all (although I liked the description of the angry people waiting at the office). Okay, so the MC is trying to get a grant for an orphanage.

But then when I understood that, I'm confused as to why it's the MC doing it--I mean, at first I thought he ran the orphanage, but in the context of this second chapter it sounds more like the MC is an orphan living at an orphanage under the care of a different person...in which case I just don't understand why he's the one looking for a grant. Because you'd think the person running the orphanage would try to get a grant to support the place, right?

Mostly right now I'm just really confused.

Hi again!

This was very good! I'll start with the praise first.

Likes/Loves

Again, your narrative voice was fantastic. The dialogue in this was very solid—all of it seemed natural and effortless, very realistic, unlike some of the stiff dialogue I've seen in other stories.

The whole piece has a definite feel of realism to it. The comedic timing is perfect and just enough. Your characters are good, and I really like the MC so far.

You're slowly sprinkling in more and more of what's going on and who these characters are, doing it in such a way that it doesn't overwhelm the reader. The MC further piqued my interest here, and I like that we're getting to know him just as we should, without annoying info dumps. All of what we're learning about the characters is gradual, as it should be.

Choice of wording was really nice, not too grandiose or too simple. Again, though, my favorite part was the humorous narrative voice and the great dialogue. Both were absolutely awesome.

As a whole, I'd say this novel is coming along quite nicely.

Dislikes/Suggestions

Beyond my nitpicks (we'll get there in a sec), I don't have much to add. I would recommend trying to work on your pacing a bit. It was fast throughout this piece. Not horrible, but a little too quick in my opinion. This is a common problem.

Just maybe try to layer in some more details and descriptions to combat this. Don't be afraid to slow things down a good deal—one thing I've learned is that what might seem really slow during writing will actually seem like a normal pace to the reader. If that makes sense.

Otherwise, I don't really have any suggestions.

Nitpicks

Marine Drive of Mumbai, was my hangout location. If Mumbai had it's own dictionary, Marine Drive could have been named as a universal picnic spot.

I'm sorry Aunty.

She passed me a glass of water, as I finished my meal.

"What's the matter Joy? You look worried." Ajit asked me, during our lunch break. I was indeed worried.

"Gone are the days when news channels meant information," I said and switched to another channel.

After shuffling seven channels

'Calm down, Joy and talk to her.' I assured myself and decided to face the music.

Hi there! gauravkundu32 here to do a short review of this work so let us begin...
First of all, I'd like to say honestly and frankly that I am not good at grammar so I can't touch that part beside that I can comment upon your writing style, plot, setting etc...
1.) PLOT :- The plot of the story is very good and interesting as well. No doubt, you're an excellent writer. The events are in a good flow. ( I just read your previous chapters just now). I like the theme as well. So nothing to worry about, just keep up the good work.
2.) Setting :- When it comes to setting, you have done a very good job here as well. Being an Indian i can relate everything to Indian scenario and I really felt the environment very familiar. Though i have never been to Mumbai I know the situation of a crowded place and the problems faced by the residents. It was good to see that you've given the descriptions of the orphanage and did not miss it.

Now it comes for some advice. As the title sounds "The perfect Thief" I think, Joy is going to steal money as I can see he's getting no way to get enough cash for his Orphanage. I am very curious to know how will he do it. I thing the main spice of the story has yet to come. The sense of humor of yours has fascinated me and your style of writing, buddy, I am impressed, I really mean it honestly. You're a very good writer, I never felt boring anywhere and that's a sign of a good writer. Honestly speaking, I enjoyed all the chapters ( I mean prologue and chapter 1 and chapter 2) till now but somewhere I felt a little less humor in this chapter i.e chapter 2 but that's my personal thinking but I also think that you want to write about a serious issue of corruption, poverty etc here so I think it is well balanced. I would only say one thing, that bring more twists in the upcoming chapters and make the characters do something which the reader have never expected of. I think you know what I mean here. It will add more beauty to this work. Anyway, that's all what I got to say today. I am eagerly waiting for the next chapter and thus request you to inform me when you post your chapter.
With Best Wishes
Keep writing and Be The BEST
gauravkundu32

Hello again. ^^

'You need to chill, Joy.'

Marine Drive of Mumbai, was my hangout location.

If Mumbai had it's own dictionary

and even orphans like me

Ordering a taxi, I rushed towards my Ashram.

Frennie Aunty opened the door, as I watched her annoyed face.

It's 12AM.

There was someone in this world, who could understand the agony of an orphan.

but I couldn't say no to our sixty five year old caretaker.

"I was busy with my office work." I lied.

Aunty had no idea about the crisis, our orphanage was going through.

Displaying my muscle power,

You taught her, how to use it?"

Anjali's ten days tour was quite annoying for both me and Aunty.

I gave the TV remote to the kids,