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Castor's Tale Chapter 2 Part 1 - Traveler's Tavern Is a Riot

by Messenger


The short man cracked his whip, and spurred the horses along. Dust roiled underneath their hooves and swirled past the wagon as it bounced along the well-worn path. The man looked around, enjoying his surroundings; plains stretching for miles in each direction with tree lines in the distance. On the right side of the wide path stood the only man-made structure in eyesight.

As the big wagon rolled up to building the driver pulled back on the reins, and slowly came to a stop. He looked over the building. It was rather small, with maybe only enough room to hold a loft for travelers. But that was fine. No reason to stay here a night.

He put the brake on and hopped off the wagon seat. There was a small veranda leading to the log-style looking building. A faded sign swung from rusted metal hinges, and it read Travelers Tavern. The man quickly stepped up to the door and swung it open.

A blast of smoke and tobacco, mixed with the repugnant smell of beer hit him like a battering ram. He coughed twice and then took a deep breath. He then entered, pulling off his black coat, and slinging it over his left shoulder. He ran a hand through his long brown hair.

]A quick survey of the interior showed five large round tables, crowded with beer mugs and littered with playing cards. There were too young lasses cleaning off the table with dirty rags. Both looked skimpily dressed, and the man wasn’t surprised, looking at the condition of the tavern.

Several burly men sat off to the right of the bar, which lay directly ahead of the short man. Each was puffing a pipe and playing a card game. The racks at the back of the bar were sparsely covered with bottles, and one big barrel of ale was turned over the edge of the bar for easy pouring. The short man stepped to the bar and said to the short, wiry bartender: “Give me a beer.”

“Yessir.”

The man pulled a large beer mug from underneath the bar, and filled it up to the brim. Foam threatened to spill over the edges as the tavern man handed it to the short man. He took it and sat at a table near the doorway. He took a large draft of the beer, wiping his lips with satisfaction.

“Nothing like some good beer to clear the trail dust out of your throat!” He took another drink and sat back in his chair, observing the card game. The one man whose hand he could barely see over his big shoulder, had quite a terrible hand. All but one card was below a five. The object of the game was to ascertain at least three ten’s, or two nobles. This player had none.

The short man took another swig of beer and smiled at the lass who walked by, cleaning the nearby table. “Hello,” he said, what’s our name?”

She smiled back shyly. “Oh, ‘ello. M’name is Susie.”

He stuck out his hand. “My name is Kinnard.”

She looked at his outstretched hand. Finally she put down her rag and wiped her hands on her apron. Then she took his hand.

“My, what beautiful hands you have,” the short man said.

Susie blushed and her hand fluttered to her chest as she shyly smiled. “Thank you sir. You is very kind.”

He released her hand and glanced over at the card player. He now had a noble. He must have gotten a good trade. A trade was done by discarding one of your cards in exchange for taking one blindly from the pile. It paid off that time.

One of the other players hollered: “Hey lass, where’s that beer I ordered!”

The other girl, much heavier than Susie, walked over. “I just give ya one! You already drunk it ya slob!”

The man stood up, sending his chair flying. “How dare ye speak to me like dat!”

He raised his hand back, but Kinnard quickly stood up. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

The man turned, hand still raised. “And just why would I not! You stay oot of my business!”

The plump girl turned to Kinnard. “Ya don’t need to take mah place! I can handle this buffoon any day o’ da week.” With that she sent a lightning jab at the man, sending him tumbling into the wall. A moose head pinned to the wall above, shuddered on the impact.

All but one of the other men at the table stood up. Kinnard watched as the last one, the one he’d been watching all along, scratched the back of his neck. But when he pulled his hand back down he held two nobles and a ten, along with a four and 2. That’s one way to win.

The large waitress was now was red-faced, and had her fists up like she was ready to take on the whole lot. But none of the men seemed to keen on taking on an angry woman. They slowly sat down, but the fifth man who had been barreled into the wall stood up, shaking his head.

“Ye’ll be regettin’ that’n!” He advanced on her, teeth barred.

Kinnard stepped past Susie, who had been watching frightfully, and caught the man’s fist as it come forward to hit the waitress. Then he twisted the arm back behind the man.

“I can break your arm if I wish. Now stop the fighting or I will.”

The waitress laughed loudly, like a chicken. “Oh did ya see that boys? This buffoon here dun got whupped by a wee little pretty boy.”

The man was sweating now. Five . . .four . . . three . . . two . . . one . . .

“Alright!” the man hollered. “Alright, matey, I’ll let the lass go!”

The short man turned to the waitress. “And if you wish to have customers enjoy your company, I’d suggest working on your manners.”

The woman guffawed. “Oh but I enjoy this. And anyone who speaks to me as if I was a cow, is gonna get a piece o’ mah fist!”

Kinnard pet go of the man and pushed him back into his chair. Everyone watched as he went back and sat down at his chair, next to Susie.

“Now, where were we?”


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Sun May 25, 2014 3:13 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here!! Againnn.... When are your chapters gonna be over? I don't want to see the end of them. :)

Nitpicks

As the big wagon rolled up to building the driver pulled back on the reins


Rolled up to the building?

He put the brake on and hopped off the wagon seat.


I think something more is needed here. Something that describes how he put the brake on. After all, this isn't exactly your stereotypical honda civic...

mixed with the repugnant smell of beer hit him like a battering ram.


Comma after "beer"

]A quick survey of the interior


I think nitpick is obvious there. You have a [ in your sentence.

He coughed twice and then took a deep breath. He then entered, pulling off his black coat, and slinging it over his left shoulder. He ran a hand through his long brown hair.


Sentences that all begin with the same word are a common mistake. We all make them. This is a short part where you should work on alternative sentence openings. Would help the flow. :)

Foam threatened to spill over the edges as the tavern man handed it to the short man.


This tavern man has probably poured hundreds, if not thousands, of beers. Wouldn't he know how to do it properly without having it threaten to spill?

You stay oot of my business!”


Oot some part of his accent? I am serious there. Or is it merely an typo?

Comments and whatnot

Well, I don't know what to think of this chapter. I mean, its awesome and everything. But I don't know how it ties in, or where it goes, or who all these people are, or where this is.
Aggghhh!!!! So many questions!
Beautiful job with the questions. Makes me want to read morrrre.

He seems like a rough character, but not evil. Just an outdoors person with a love for ale. :D As for the other characters, well the don't seem to trust him. And they seemed pretty harsh on his manners... :P
~Darth Timmyjake




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 8:06 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! I got to all the chapters you've posted so far! :) I hope you can get the next chapter posted by tonight. I really want to read more.

Okay, so I know that Castor is being super rude and mean and irresponsible and a trough overflowing with water, but I absolutely love her! Seriously, she's my kind of character. I like to write female heroes with tough spirits. And Castor is definitely a girl with a tough spirit. She also has a tough attitude as well. I hope she doesn't get into too much trouble though.

Well isn't Jeri an interesting character. I think it's entertaining how he speaks in similes. Oh, that was for the challenge right? I think I understand now.

So it's been one and a half chapters and neither Castor nor Miles have mentioned their parents. From reading the prologue, I got the feeling that leaving their parents behind was a traumatic thing. They were only four and six after all. Those memories would probably haunt them for a while, yes? I think mentioning that in a future chapter would really work. And I'll stop badgering you about it after this review. It seems like I'm writing the same thing in each review I write.

I can't wait to see what happens to Castor in the next chapter. I'm scared that she's going to do something stupid. I just hope she doesn't.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Tue Apr 22, 2014 4:56 pm
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PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Hey Messenger! Here to give you a review! So first off, I love that you put Miles and Jeric in this a lot. I liked Jeric's wisdom, and his examples, they were very clever! Miles character was really good as well. Of course, I now want to know what Castor is doing. I only caught one grammar mistake, at the end where she's thinking "not to mess with me" you didn't have the "to" I liked their language as well. It seemed to go well with their time. So, the first few sentences were a little bit awkward for the beginning of a chapter. Maybe change the wording around a bit. Other than that, it was very interesting! Well done!




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Tue Apr 22, 2014 3:20 am
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Wolfi wrote a review...



Hmmm... what is Castor up to??

One thing I was confused about was when Kalan was speaking to his father. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember Kalan's dialect being that heavy. Does he talk like that only with his father? Additionally, when Cator thought: "Their grammar is horrible!" I wouldn't call that grammar. I would say "Their dialect is horrible!" But that's your choice.
I loved Jeric's examples he had for Miles about Castor, especially the water trough one. Very clever!

Great job! Keep it up! ;)




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Mon Apr 21, 2014 7:06 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Heyo Messenger! Your sage has arrived :D

I really love this chapter where we get to see a whole lot more of Jeric. I know who he is supposed to represent, which makes me like this even more. You've made him speak the right way, like he is very wise and knowledgeable, and he the way he uses the bucket of water as an example... reminds me of all the parables. Hehe, I really like Jeric as a character. You've done him a lot of justice.

Buuut you also left me a lot of nitpicks to suss out. They were kinda distracting, so I am going to run through them all before I move on to commenting on the story okay?

Miles approached Jeric who was tossing leftovers out to the hogs out behind the Inn


'out to the hogs out'. If I were you I would just cut the second out. You don't really need it there.

Kalan and she got into an argument again, and it led to Castor lashing out in anger.”


I thought Kalan and she sounded kind of awkward but I couldn't find another way around it that wasn't simplistic. So what I would do to is change it to Kalan and Castor. And then when you mention Castor's name after the comma I would change it to she instead. I hope that sounds better to you?

Nonetheless, Castor should not have attacked him.”
“But did she not retaliate?”


So I got that Jeric was continuing the conversation, just in a new paragraph. What you are supposed to do is leave the first paragraph without a speech mark at the end, and then in the second one open the paragraph and close it again. Let me give you an example...

"It should be like this whenever you want to do it
"See how I didn't close those speech marks?" Deanie said.

Okay that looks really weird but it is how it's supposed to be xD Looks much nicer when it's with indents in Microsoft or something.

She comes at everything as if people all hate her?


Most of these nitpicks are because the things you say could be said in a smoother way. Like this could just be: she comes at everything as if everyone hates her?

Jeric placed the empty slop buckets near the shed behind the pen and returned walked to the pump


and returned walked? That doesn't make sense. Simply: ... near the shed behind the pen and walked to the pump. It doesn't matter that he returned to his original position or not to us xD

And if she doesn’t be emptied like this trough will soon be


Doesn't be emptied? I think you mean if she isn't emptied...

But for a match to never be used to burn again it must be destroyed


This sentence alone was confusing. I would say: but for the match to never burn again it must be destroyed.

I will speak with her tonight. The Inn is now filling up with lunch customers. I must clean up the mess you two have made. I will speak with her tonight.


You say 'I will speak with her tonight' twice. I advise you to cut one. :)

Their grammar is horrible!


Their grammar? Really? When people are writing usually they comment on their grammar... but it's another story when someone is speaking. Usually when I hear someone speaking and I'm trying to insult their terrible wording it would either be something to do with their accent, their speech or just they don't even know how to speak! It just seems more realistic.

Okay, I am going to summarise the nitpicks. Apart from the last one, most of these were because you were using too many words for what could be said in fewer. It just complicated things. And I believe a quick read through could've helped solve a lot of them too ^.^

Yeah, this chapter was good. Aside from seeing a lot more of Jeric's character we get even more of Miles. I feel like he is a follower, a person who believes a lot of what he hears and is told. Kind of like how he took Jeric's literal meaning for everything, even destroyed. I think that's a good thing though, for what you are trying to make Miles be as a character. And his role in the story.

Really though, the story is progressing perfectly. I have a feeling I know what Castor is going to do... *because of spoilers in planning hehe* but I am looking forwards to seeing how you write it! Let me know when you've got more up and try and make it not in the last day for posting? Does that sound good to you? :D You love getting everyone real panicky.

Deanie x




Messenger says...


hey Deanie thanks for the review! I will get to those nitpicks in editing and scratch out the grammar part. I thought you and the others would enjoy this part with us getting to see more of Jeric and Miles :P We shall see what happen in part 2! And actually I don't love getting everyone panicky, but I think it's because since I know exactly whats going to happen and I know I can write fast, I don't feel rushed.



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Mon Apr 21, 2014 4:01 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Yay! I don't have to be mad at you for not posting until like... midnight.
Anyway: nitpicks first.
"Kalan and she got into an argument again," Okay, if the 'she' was first, then common speech would let this slide, but it should be 'her'.
“But did she not retaliate?” And it's not this sentence that's weird, but the fact that it's separated from the rest of what Jeric says by a paragraph.
That should be it... I noticed that you really like ignoring your commas. tsk tsk. Remember to use them to separate your dependent clauses from the independent ones. And also use them to separate independent clauses that have a conjunction between them.
Also, many of these sentences started with 'she'. And it got super repetitive-looking and just... blech. Try to diversify your sentence structures a little; not everything has to start with the subject.
Other than that, I wonderful job with all the dialogue. It sounded so natural, and Jeric's speech patterns really make him sound wise. Perfect.
I liked your verbs. They were all pretty strong, and had connotations that helped with the whole imagining thing.
Oh, and this is just me being me, but Castor's little thought about grammar made me so happy.
Good luck with the contest!
Ciao!




Messenger says...


How did I know you'd be the first to respond? :P Thanks for being so fast! It means a lot!
I will get on the nitpicks for sure including the "she" one. I don't know what it is with commas. I just . . .. blargh they hate me and I hate them. Anyway thanks for the review!!

~Messenger




Death is only the end if you assume the story is about you.
— Welcome to Night Vale