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Young Writers Society


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Castor's Tale Chapter 1 Part 1 - Breakfast at the Inn

by Messenger


220 Y.L. Month of Work

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Castor slowly rolled in her bed, stirring and rolling about like a bear coming out of hibernation.

“Get up Castor, Jeric needs your help downstairs.” Her brother Miles said from outside the door.

Mumbling and staggering about, Castor slowly pushed herself to the edge of her bed and rested her head in her hands. She sat there for several seconds, trying to fight off the enjoyable wave of sleepiness that was coming over her again. With a mix between a shout and a grumble she jumped up, rubbing her eyes and yawning. Why does staying up late make you feel like you got walloped over the head?

Her feet thumped loudly on the cold wood floor as she walked around to the other side of her bed and grabbed her clothes off of a chair. She quickly pulled on the dark brown leather pants, a white blouse, and a green vest, and then she looked in the mirror.

Her hair looked as if a tornado had come through it. How’d people come up with something called beauty sleep? Morons obviously never slept. Castor stopped thinking and started brushing quickly realizing what she had said.

She washed her face and in a few minutes she had her mane of red hair brushed and set it back in a ponytail. I've got enough there to make it three ponytails and have leftovers! She moved the chair aside and opened up the oaken chest right under the window. It held several clothing materials and she grabbed a pair of stockings. She pulled them on, grabbed the boots by her door, and yanked them on as she hopped down the staircase.

A wave of laughter, chatter, and silverware clanking together greeted Castor, as well as the overly enticing smell of eggs, bacon, apple cider, fresh fruit, and hot rolls. Jeric’s special recipe ones! Castor had to duck under the overhang at the bottom of the stairs and the sight that greeted her made her stomach gurgle with joy.

The big room was scattered with round tables covered with red-and-white checkered tablecloths and most were at the moment occupied, and therefore mounted with food of some kind. The wall on the right held the door which was open and let the aromas of the food waft out into the street, grabbing and dragging people in. Two big windows were also mounted on that wall and allowed large rays of golden sunlight to spill in and warm the inside.

To the left sat the kitchen, the front of it set up like a bar where customers could come ask for drink refills. Three rotund barrels of apple cider took up a good portion of the far side of the bar, while pitchers of cold cow’s milk, goat milk, buttermilk, and water took up the rest. Wooden cups were stacked ready to be filled with the delicious drinks.

Behind the bar was where all the real work went on Castor headed there thinking, I could get used to this . . . oh wait, I already have. She pushed open the wooden door and was hit by a blast of warm air. Four workers scurried about, flipping eggs with spatulas, mixing dough together and pulling out hot, crispy, golden rolls. Jeric stood at the back, cracking eggs into a bowl.

The big furnace was in the middle of the back wall and it belched forth a very hot wave of air. Castor skipped by it, waved at the workers who smiled back, and stepped over to Jeric.

He turned back and smiled. “Hello Castor, been sleeping inn?” He laughed before he could stop himself.

Castor just stared, barely finding humour in the joke.

“Or maybe,” Jeric said, once he had stopped laughing, “you haven’t been sleeping at all. In all seriousness Castor, you are staying up too late and as a result getting down here to work late. I need you to be more responsible.”

Castor nodded. “Yeah I know.” She didn't sound too whole-heartedly about it, but this was not the place or time to speak of it, so Jeric went back to cracking eggs. “So, I guess I’ll get to work then. Where’s Miles?”

Jeric pointed to the back door beside him. “He’s out getting more milk. Seems like we really have a lot of visitors today.”

Castor frowned, but Jeric smiled. “Hey, it isn't a bad thing. As long as we can please our customers they’ll come back. It’s a good way to be kind to the community.”

I know where this is going. “I don’t really care to reach out to the community. Will you be paying more for more work?”

“Of course. You get paid for what you do. If you work longer you get rewarded for that work. Now you better hurry up, we have customers.

Castor grabbed an apron off the wall next to dozens of pots and pans, grabbed a wet cloth near the pump in the right back corner, and made her way back out into the dining room. She quickly began to clear and wipe down tables as customers came and left. Usually the inn wouldn’t be nearly this full, but with the Founders Day, coming up, there was much celebration going on.

Castor sighed as she wiped off a table that had been used by some overly messy folks. Cider was soaked into the tablecloth, eggs, butter, and jam has been tossed about like a salad, and to top it off, there were two apples with just one bite taken out of them.

Why must people waste food like this? What are they, pigs? No I guess not because at least pigs eat ALL of their food. Maybe these people know that pigs get the leftovers so they don’t finish their meals. Maybe they’re relatives!

Frustrated, Castor spun around with the two apples, and tossed them for the waste bin near the bar, not realizing that someone had been walking straight in her range of fire. The apples smacked the person’s neck hard and thumped to the ground.

Castor dropped her rag on the table. Now I’ve done it. “Sir I am so sorry, I should have been more careful.”

The man turned around and Castor growled. “Never mind, I’m not sorry.”


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Sun May 25, 2014 2:55 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy is here. (again) For another review!

Nitpicks first!

Castor stopped thinking and started brushing quickly realizing what she had said.


Comma after "brushing"

she washed her face and in a few minutes she had her mane of red hair brushed and set it back in a ponytail.


Reminds me of the girl in brave. :D

The wall on the right held the door which was open and let the aromas of the food waft out into the street


Comma after "door"

Behind the bar was where all the real work went on Castor headed there thinking


Two separate thoughts there. So two sentences. Period at "on", I think.

golden sunlight to spill in and warm the inside.


Two "in" during one sentence. Too close together. Sounds awkward and redundant, even though they are two different words. Try alternative words, synonyms, to clear that up. Small nitpick. Very tiny, indeed. :D

Hello Castor, been sleeping inn?


Is that a pun? The "inn" Or is that merely a typo?

As long as we can please our customers they’ll come back.


Comma after "customers"

Comments and whatnot

So if you look at my nitpicks, you will see one thing in common with most of them. Commas. You do tend to leave them out at certain places, where they should be. A very small tendency, and can be fixed mucho fast. Just needs you to start paying attention to those small details. Some of them might be needing your attention. :D (Batman reference. Yayy!!)

So this was another awesome chapter. I start to see more of Castor. What she is doing. The role she plays. And also the enviroment she is in. Especially the enviroment. A lot of people around her. Some not so nice, and others just rough in their own hewn way.

I love your descriptions of the bar and area. At one point, it seemed to long for me, and I started to loose my grip on the story, but it did paint a pretty picture. :D
~Darth Timmyjake (see you at next chapter)




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Tue May 13, 2014 6:22 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey Messenger, Stella here!

So as a general rule I'm against stories that start with somebody waking up. Because listening to someone getting dressed and doing their daily routine is a bit boring. We all do it every morning, we know the drill! But I sort of liked the breakfast scene, it had a lovely glowy atmosphere to it and I thought that was good.

The way you first introduced Jeric I thought he was going to be really nasty. "Jeric needs your help" just sounds so ominous. So I was a bit surprised to find that he was a cheerful baker type. Castor's emotions towards the whole thing fluctuated so much that I couldn't decide how she felt about the whole working-at-the-inn thing. Sad, happy, annoyed, bored, content? I felt like at some point she was each emotion and that didn't really work very well because we didn't really get a feel for her overall attitude. And because I'm going to assume that this mundane existence isn't lasting long in story-world, it's important that we get a feel for how Castor feels right now.

Also I was questioning why Castor would know what a hangover felt like until I realised everybody was drinking cider for breakfast! I'm also wondering how they keep the milk cold - where was Miles going to go to get milk? Because if it was from the cow, then it'd still be warm. Do they have a fridge? How are they keeping it cold? I realise that these culinary things are small but they're important to iron out to get an idea of the world that Castor lives in.

Overall, it was pretty good! I don't have a whole lot to say and I see you've had quite a few good reviews so I guess I'll just move on to the next part!

-Stella x




Messenger says...


glad to hear you say all these things. I have a prologue, but upon reconsideration I'm going to cut it. You would possibly understand Castor more if you read it, but since i'm scrapping it, I wanted to see what you thought of it as the beginning of a story.

The cider is apple cider, perhaps I should make that clearer and scrap the "hangover" line as well. Thanks for the review!

~Messenger



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Sun May 11, 2014 1:25 am
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lostthought wrote a review...



Hi there! Don't scrap this until I get a say of your wrong-doings. *sigh* I better hurry before you change it. Again.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
slowly rolled in her bed, stirring and rolling about

You repeated roll! :o Shame on you, mess.

Castor stopped thinking and started brushing quickly realizing what she had said.

Are you sure you don't need a comma after brushing? The punctuation police is watching...

with the Founders Day, coming up, there was much celebration

You need to lose a comma. Guess which one! That's right, the first one.


Our orphaned Castor and Miles are all grown up. Castor is now 17 and Miles is 15. I guess Castor never lost that adventurous spirit.

Wake up Castor! You don't want to disturb those sleeping bears. What's that? Picking a fight? Tut-tut. Castor, that's not how a lady acts. You better step up your game. You don't want to get beat.

Lovely Miles, getting that milk. Hopefully the cow is willing! Well, I better get to the next part!

*scurries away*

-lost




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Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:34 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Castor slowly rolled in her bed, stirring at the sound of someone bashing against the door.

The bams at the beginning aren't necessary. It's nice onomatopoeia. But then in the next sentence you say that Castor was awoken by the sound of someone banging on the door. That's the same as if you wrote out the bams. Pick one or the other.

Why does staying up late make you feel like you have a hangover?

How would she know what it feels like to have a hangover? I hope that she's old enough to drink xD

Oh gosh, a cliffhanger! Do you know how many cliffhangers I've read today?? I really like cliffhangers 'cause they get me thinking. But at the same time I just want to know what's going to happen next. Why do I have to wait until the next chapter??!! :'( But anyway, the cliffhanger here is nice. Obviously we're about to be introduced to another character. This is a real unique way to introduce them. Although looking at it now, it's not really a cliffhanger but just where you decided to break this chapter. But either way, it's a cliffhanger for me.

What I really would've liked to learn in this chapter is how much time has passed since the prologue. Castor and Miles seem to be leading normal, happy lives so I'm guessing that's it's been a while since they were torn away from their parents. But to get a better understanding of the timing of this novel, I think it's important to show how much time has passed. I'd suggest either sharing Castor's age or starting off the chapter with "10 years later". Something like that.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Tue Apr 22, 2014 11:53 pm
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MysteryMe wrote a review...



Hey there, Messenger! It's MysteryMe, here for a quick review!!!

I just want to say: nice job! This chapter was really quite interesting, and I enjoyed learning more about Castor's new life. I really like how you subtly include Castor's inner thoughts throughout your narrating, as it really helps the readers connect with her character. We don't know her too well (yet) but we're certainly getting on our way, and those thoughts are really helping with that process.

The cliff hanger at the end was also really well done. Who is that man, and why doesn't Castor like him? I MUST KNOW!!! XD

Anyway, you do have a few places that are in need of some grammatical fix ups (either with punctuation, wrong tense, choppy sentence, etc..), but unfortunately, I'm short on time today, so I can't really point them out for you. There's a lot less mistakes than the prologue, though, so I can tell you're doing a lot better! Improving in writing is always a good thing, and you're doing it really fast!

Like I said, I'm really enjoying getting to know Castor, as well as Jeric and Miles. They all seem like awesome characters, and I'm excited to get to know them further. I am, however, a little confused about how much time has passed. Maybe you wrote it somewhere and I missed it, but I don't really know how old Castor is in this. How long has it been since Jeric 'adopted' her? Weeks, months, years? She does seem quite a bit more mature. Maybe you were going to include that in a following chapter, and if so, then just ignore this. I'm just curious, is all ;).

Like I said, nice job!!! You're an awesome writer and storyteller, and you should be sure to keep writing while you can. I can't wait to see where this story goes!!!! I'm sure you'll do something marvelous with it :P




Messenger says...


Hey Mystery thanks for the review. First ting I want to say is that Castor is 17. Miles is fifteen. They were 6 and four when the prologue happens. I was just noted of the fact that I didn't not put that in there earlier this morning,but I am going to include a date at the beginning of this chapter to specify!
~Messenger



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Wed Apr 09, 2014 11:02 pm
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Deifyance wrote a review...



Messenger! Buddy!

Deifyance here a bit late for a review!

This is pretty dang good! I thought it was a bit short for a first chapter, it seems like this would make a better part 1 of the first chapter. Some plot point needs to take place. The first chapter for a book is supposed to encompass the entire story into one book. It's the thing that hooks us as readers and lets us know what we can look forward too in your story.

Excellent use of the cliff hanger at the end! It definitely accomplished what you wanted. We all want to know who the heck is the guy she ran into, and why she feels comfortable being so incredibly rude to him. Perfect! It also showed us that Castor has sass. Which is good. Just make sure you balance her out with another character that doesn't have so much.

I can tell you're more comfortable here writing the dialog but a lot of it still feels a bit clunky. Make sure that you try to match it to your general time frame as best you can. These can easily be fixed in rewrites so I'm not too worried about them. (Screen writers sometimes hire people JUST to write the dialog. It's that much of an artform.)

I didn't understand some of the jokes made, and it pulled me out a little by having to go back and reread it a few times to understand the punchline. It could just be me.

I liked your expression of Castor. We understood some base things about her from the way she acted without you having to tell us directly. This is excellent. I could use a bit more detail with Jeric.

Overall I think this makes an excellent first part of a chapter! But it still needs a second part! You have an awesome writing style that is clear and concise. Yet, sometimes a little too much so. Feel free to muddy it up when speaking through a different character.

Let me know when the next comes out!
Cheers!




Messenger says...


I actually forgot but was planning on making this part 1 of 2. There will be other characters to balance her, in fact probably in part 2. And yes some of the humor was lost which I will fix later on. Got to get this first draft finished. I thought people would remember Jeric from the prologue but i may add some stuff.
I'll definitely let you know when the next part comes out and glad that you like the style. What do you mean of muddying things up tho?

~Messenger



Deifyance says...


What I mean is getting more gritty in the speech when a more gritty person is talking. It's a great tool to help portray a character. By the way everyone is talking I would assume them all to be learned nobles! If that makes sense?



Messenger says...


oh i gotcha



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Wed Apr 09, 2014 2:33 am
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PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Hey, PeanutPhoebe here to give you a review. Now that I finally got to it:) So, first off is that I saw several grammar errors (that can be easily fixed) such as wrong tense verbs, adverbs rather than adjectives, comma splices, etc. I think those were really the only three, but one or two occurred twice. That's more for the final draft tho. I like the way you managed to slip details in easily, while still having actions and thoughts going on. That's definitely something I struggle with, as you probably know. And the cliff hanger... You're as bad as Anna! :P I loved the writing style, it drew the reader in. Can't wait to read more!




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Mon Apr 07, 2014 4:53 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hello Messenger! You're ever loyal sage here to review. :)

There wasn't much to comment plot wise on this because it's more of a filling in chapter of Castor's daily life. But we got to see where she worked and I am curious to know what guy she resents enough to not mind whacking them with an apple. ^^ And we got to see Castor's personality a bit. To be honest she doesn't sound like the nicest girl in the world - she likes to make fun of practically everything, even her own hair! Anyways, the nitpicks:

That’s probably why they were so – Castor stopped thinking and started brushing quickly realizing what she had said.


I didn't get it! Why did she suddenly stop and realize what she said? It didn't seem like she was going to say anything worse than the things she had already mentioned here. Maybe you should just cut the last line to 'Castor stopped thinking and started brushing,' so it doesn't seem like she thought she was insulting something/someone. It's just more evident then.

A wave of laughter, hatter, and silverware clanking and thumping together greeted Castor


'and silver clanking and thumping,' one and too many after such a long list. You've already used thumping as well when Castor was walking around upstairs anyways, so why not just stick to 'and silverware clanking together greeted...' Sounds better to me and less complicated and long. I liked how you described the food scene though. Made me hungry :$

She pushed open the wooden door and was hit a blast of warm air.


'was hit with a' I think you forgot the with.

so Jeri went back to cracking eggs


Jeric!

No I guess not because at least pigs

Comma should be after the no ^.^

someone had been walking straight in her range of fire The apples smacked


You forgot the full stop at the end of this sentence here.

Okay, nitpicks complete! As for the story though, this was more an opening chapter so I don't have any real criticism. So far in the story, there is one character I want to know and learn a lot more about. Miles. He's seems kind of brushed off for a while. We get to know how Jeric rescued them and Castor also talks to him this morning. But all we know about Miles is that he was with Castor when his parents died, he is obedient, and in this chapter we don't even get to see him! Yes, Miles is a character I would like to know a whole lot more about.

Pacing is good. I'm looking forwards to knowing more in the next chapter ^^ And I have a question! So they live at the inn right, but also work there? And if they are adopted and not just living with Jeric, you should make that more clear. An easy way would be Castor and Jeric arguing, and Castor yelling you're not even my real dad, adopting me doesn't make you my father! Or something like that :3 Just to clear it up.

Dialogue was good. Looking forwards to the next chapter. As always, do keep me posted :)

Deanie x




Messenger says...


thank you. The part where she stopped was because she was making fun of people not sleeping when she herself is was up late. Jeric later says it, but I think it was lost.
I'll keep the other things in mind!



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Sun Apr 06, 2014 7:17 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Heya! I didn't read the prologue (I should) but let's get rolling, shall we?
For grammar, there's like, two nitpicks I found. The first one is verb tense consistency: "Her hair looked as if a tornado had come through it." The second one is that you occasionally forget your commas in the middle of sentences that have a conjunction joining two independent clauses.
For technique... there isn't really much to be desired. I think you could do less of those types of sentences I mentioned earlier, just to get some diversity, but otherwise you did pretty good.
There was a lot of great visual detail, and the way you slipped it in with the action was awesome. (It's a feat I have yet to accomplish...)
And I'm going to just rant for the characterization because I am already liking Castor so much. I do like seeing the characters' thoughts directly, and you did a great job with her. (And the part about wasting food is just so perfect. I love it!)
I haven't gotten much from the Jeric or Miles, but that's okay because they didn't do much. Besides, I should have read the prologue.
Well, that's it from me. I don't usually do so much complimenting... guess you've impressed me.
Ciao for now!




Messenger says...


There was a lot of great visual detail, and the way you slipped it in with the action was awesome. (It's a feat I have yet to accomplish...)

Yes!! Glad I could do that Thank you for the review. I'll jump on the nitpick right away and take the rest into consideration.



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Sun Apr 06, 2014 6:18 pm
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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



Hello, love!

I enjoyed this chapter. I guessed right in the review of your prologue, I see.

A few (or one) technical error(s).

Castor dropped her rag on the table. Now I’ve done it. “Sir I am so sorry, I should have been more careful.”

The man turned around and Castor growled. “Never mind, I’m not sorry.”

Castor dropped her rag on the table. Now I’ve done it. “Sir I am so sorry, I should have been more careful.” The man turned around and Castor growled. “Never mind, I’m not sorry.”

That's all the technicalities I could catch, love.

This part confused me and I had to re-read at least three times:

How’d people come up with something called beauty sleep? Morons obviously never slept. That’s probably why they were so –

Whaaat? Did the people who came up with beauty sleep never sleep? And the last sentence seems unnecessary.

Your pacing was good, but your ending confused me a bit. By the way- nice cliffhanger!
Anyway, wouldn't Castor try to keep her thoughts to herself, no matter how much she hated the man?

Also, I'm getting the idea that Castor and her brother stayed with Jeric. It doesn't seem like Jeric adopted them, so why did they stay? Maybe it's just because he helped them, but still- I found myself wondering that a lot.

Overall, a good start!

Keep persisting.

Evilly,
Aurora




Messenger says...


The technical part is actually a writing style. I've seen other people write like that and I really like it so I used it here.
The beauty sleep part is basically she is sayng that the people who came up with the phrase obviously never slept or they would know how someone looks right when they wake up.

The man you will soon find out about so hold on. And the thing about Jeric as well




hmmm. you know, the quote generator deserves some garlic bread
— SilverNight