Young Writers Society

Heey,

You need to press enter some more.
Ireally do like your use of words.
Beautiful sentences
Greetz,

Xx

Hey!!! I'm here to review ask asked! xx (This shall be a true review!!)

I'd just like to start off by saying I enjoyed reading this alot, and I see why it got a spotlight! (Well done baby!!)

I love the concept for this, it's quite dramatic but at the same time it's sensitive.

Though the way you set it out was a little different, still quite nice. Made for a change.

Though reading this was quite saddening. *Smiles sadly* But hey thats what poetry is about!! To make people feel emotional!!

So good job writting this lovely piece Matt!!

~T.j xoxo

Before I begin, I want you to know that in no way am I trying to put you down or judge you. Your writing is beautiful and I would never intentionally use it against you.
Ok, you have a lot of great things with a few bad things. Let's start with the bad, so afterwards, the blow won't seem so harsh (not that I'll be harsh) when I give you the good news.
The format of it is a little different from that of most poetry. I mean, it's entirely your choice to choose how you want to write it, but I don't think it's recognizable as poetry. Another thing was the way it flowed. I don't know if it's just me but...I don't know. It didn't seem to flow right.
Ok, I'm done being judgmental. Remember, in no way was that meant to offend you. Onward with the strong points:
I love the metaphor here, "I am drowning in my mind." That's such an amazing message to get through in any poem or story, and I think you did that well. Your message was clear, but written well enough to where it could be interpreted into many things. Another good thing was the way you brought this message through. You were talking about an ocean, being in an ocean, fighting the crashing waves and drowning. That was amazing. Then you went and revealed that the ocean was your "hopeless, wandering mind." Also great.
I also really liked how you wrote things like, "I raise my head above the endless ocean that surrounds me and draw in a deep breath, filling my lungs with life..." That was a beautiful, well thought out sentence. Amazingly awesome.
To conclude, I am going to say I loved your poem, despite its errors here and there. It was a great work of writing with a beautiful, thoughtful message behind it.

Yo.

I don't know if you did the lines on purpose or not, but there are good and bad things about it. Personally I think you might get yourself into trouble if you try to break them up, but I'd like to provide you with some helpful hints just in case you wanted to and were struggling with the site's weird formatting stuff. How to format your poetry on YWS <- this is a great resource for how to fix your poems up nice and neat if you so desire.

That being said, I think this poem is mostly alright with the block formatting. It could look better with it being in the other style, but at the same time, you could break it with rhymes and that would be a mistake. There is a lot that goes into proper line breaks, like keeping basic clauses together to create lines that have their own separate meaning along with the meaning in the poem, and also watching end punctuation getting too heavy, which might cause the reader to stop when there's nothing to continue dragging them down to the next line. It's a lot of hassle. That being said, you could do something really interesting with the spacing of the poem to create the affect of waves which might be super cool. It has it's ups and downs and it's up to you to play with.

Personally I really like this poem. It doesn't go into the 'I'm drowning from depression, trying to breathe' stuff, but stays purely in the metaphor with just one hint in the refrain that this is what's going on. To me that is great. Good job! What I will caution you on are some of your lines sounding too choppy or repetitive.

"When my body slowly stops struggling and rests, laying under the ocean of confusion and sadness"

This line was kind of hard to read the first time through, but that was probably more my fault than yours. It's because of slowly stops. For me, slowly stopping is a thing you can do. You don't need "struggling" so I naturally stopped at stops.

"So I struggle, every day. So that the waves stay strong,"

This not only is jerky because it comes at the beginning of the stanza, but also because it's a fragment. I'd like to suggest taking off the So and putting a comma instead of the period.

Lastly ferrite out useless words like in this bulky segment: "I am permitted just to hold on to the small amount of life I contain." You could say something much simpler like "I am permitted just to hold onto my small amount of life." Look for things like that which are just tagged onto the end making things longer when they could be summed up in one word change, or none at all and just taken off.

Overall, good job. I hope my review gives you some things to play with and I hope to see you again.

hello, gauravkundu32 here to say a few words about your poem.
First of all I'd like to say that You have done a great job with your optimistic approach towards life through this poem. I have little knowledge about the devices used in poetry and hence I can't criticize. Now regarding the poem, I felt that the lines are very long which should be short mainly while you're writing poem. Beside that I could not find any mistake and I like this poem honestly. It is well written with proper punctuation and the flow is also good. Keep writing like this and try to be the BEST,
keep Writing
With Best Wishes
GauravKundu32