z

Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Castor's Tale - The Prologue

by Messenger


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

209 Y.L. Month of Sun

Castor slowly slid from the saddle, putting her fingers to her lips to show her four-year old brother Miles to remain quiet. He sighed heavily but said nothing, obviously not approving of Castor's move. She plopped to the ground and looked back at Miles and her parents, making sure that they weren't watching.

She glanced up at the pretty forest to the left and spotted the same black bird that had been following them for nearly ten minutes now. She planned on capturing it and presenting it as dinner for her mommy and daddy. He'll be so proud of me! Waiting until her family seemed to be a safe distance. She stood absolutely still, hoping to not scare the bird away.

Slowly it flew from tree to tree. Moving at a slow pace. Castor tapped her feet impatiently. The bird stopped on a low branch within ten feet of the path and cocked it's head sideways as if inspecting her. She cocked her to the side as well, observing the bird for herself. It was pretty. So dark and shiny-looking.

She slowly took a step forward. The bird just sat there looking at her so she slowly advanced more. Just as she got within a foot or so of the bird it suddenly squawked and flew away, over the treeline.

Castor looked back and saw that her mother was closing in on her. She'd have to work on sneaking. Determined to get the bird she began to make her way off the path. She was nearly into the trees when-

“Castor, come back here!” Madelyn called, catching the little six-year old just as she tried to reach the trees on the side of the path.

Castor squirmed in her mother’s arms. “But mommy I want to catch the bi-" she stopped nearly slipping up. "I want to pick some flowers!” she said more slowly and deliberately.

“But you can’t Castor. You know that father said we must stay on the path.”

Castor still squirmed, ignoring the fact that her auburn hair was now cascading over both of her eyes. “I just want to go pick some flowers for you, mommy.” She wiped the hair from her eyes with her free hand, and gave a big innocent smile at her mother.

Madelyn laughed. “Oh no you don’t little missy. I’ve seen that smile before. You just want to get me to let go so you can run in the trees and catch that bird that's been following us. It's an ugly black crow anyway. What would you do with it?"

Castor stared directly at her mother with deep green eyes. “I promise mommy I don’t want to, I just want to pick some flowers for you.”

Madelyn sighed and called over her shoulder to her husband. “Corbin dear, would you have a little talk with our daughter.”

Corbin halted the horse,and walked back. Madelyn took the reins as they continued to walk down the dusty path.

Corbin turned to Castor and rubbed his big bushy brown beard. “Now Castor you mother told you that you aren’t allowed to go into the woods. "There could be dangerous things and we don’t want you to get hurt.”

Castor glanced over her shoulder at the trees. “But daddy-“

“Ah, no buts about it. Now look, we should be home by nightfall and then you can your friends about everything we did at Uncle’s, but until then why don’t you hop up on Hester with Miles.”

Castor kicked the dusty path. "Why does it always have to be me who is being bad?"

Corbin sighed. "Because you did what we told you not to do. Now no more complaining."

Head hanging low, Castor was picked up by Corbin and placed on the saddle behind Miles. Corbin walked alongside his wife and put his arm around her shoulders. “We have quite a daughter don’t we?”

“Quite.”

Corbin smiled. “Look on the bright side. She was rather cooperative compared to her usual stubbornness.”

Madelyn sighed. “I suppose you are right. Why do you think she wishes to be so . . . rebellious? Miles isn’t like that. He’s content to sit up on Hester and go home. ”

“You know Maddy, sometimes I wish Miles were more like Castor. I mean a man likes his son to be ambitious and to want to explore the world.” Corbin ran his hand through her red hair. At any rate, all is well right now so let’s just hurry up and get back home, hmm?”

“OK. I guess I’m somewhat exhausted by the trip and visit and Castor just has that child-like energy.“

“Sometimes I wish it were the other was around,” Corbin said.

Madelyn was about to respond when something whizzed by and slammed into Corbin’s chest. He yelled in pain and toppled to the ground, losing the reins of Hester. Madelyn screamed, dropping the reins and glancing around frantically. Several men dressed in ragged leather jerkins and shredded pants stepped out of the clearing, armed with crude spears and bows.

Corbin was struggling to pull himself up as they advanced eyes hollow, bodies malnourished.

“Madelyn get . . .children run!” he struggled to talk as he coughed, blood bubbling out of his mouth slowly.

Madelyn was frozen, fear gripping her heart and turning her nerves to stone. Castor was wide-eyed and Miles was nearly crying. The men advanced closer and closer. Corbin rolled to his knees despite the agonizing pain that sliced through his chest.

“Maddy, Ru-“ He couldn’t finish the sentence; it took to much energy. Tears burst from his eyes as he realized what was going to happen.

Madelyn finally reacted, helping to pull Corbin up.

“No, no, let . . .go. I’ll . . .get . . .children must go . . . love you all!”

With that he collapsed, heart stopped. Dead.

Madelyn lost control, screaming frantically. “Corbin! Corbin, no!”

A hand clasped her right wrist and she saw that one of the armed men had grabbed her. Miles was shaking and sobbing, yelling “Daddy!” and Castor was trying to dismount, face red, anger burning in her heart.

Something clicked in her brain. Desperate for her children Madelyn yanked as hard as she could and broke free from the man’s grasp. She shoved Castor back in the saddle, thrust the reins into her hands, and slapped the horse’s rump as hard as she could. Tears streaming down her eyes she yelled hoarsely “I love you children! Never forget that!”

Castor tried to resist her mother, but she was forced back into the saddle and then Hester was dashing down the path. Tears pouring incessantly, hair a tangled mess, she looked back and heard her mother screaming those words. “I love you children!”

~ ~ ~

Everything was happening so fast that Castor's small brain could not handle it. She was confused and bewildered and hurt. Miles sat in front of her, more emotional than she. His small head was buried in Hester’s mane but Castor could still hear the sobs wracking his frail four-year old body.

Anger burned and thrashed in Castor’s soul like a restless maniac, looking for anything to devour. How could it happen to them? Why were those men so mean? What happened to mother? Mother! In agony and fear and frustration she screamed. And screamed. And screamed, until she could bear the hurt in her heart no more, and she no longer had the energy in her chest to make sound. And she silently wept, caring not where Hester may ride, her mind numb. She slumped against the back of Miles, remembering only to hold onto the reins before slipping off to sleep, totally exhausted.

~ ~ ~

A gentle hand caressing Castor’s cheek awoke her. She jumped, fearful of anything and everything. A man was on his haunches besides her, bowl of water in his hands. She immediately tried to scoot back but he put a hand on her shoulder.

“You have nothing to fear. You are safe.” He spoke so gently, so calmly, so reassuringly.

Castor hesitantly stopped, rubbing her eyes, still scared out of her wits.

“You have had a terrible day but you are safe.” His voice! It was kind, soothing, nothing like Castor had heard. The closest thing she thought of was her father. And with that came the gut-wrenching pain that she had momentarily forgotten and she struggled to not cry, trying to stay firm.

“Let me introduce myself,” the man said, putting down the bowl and extending his hand. “My name is Jeric. What is yours?”

Castor stood rock-solid, staring at the outstretched hand. Could she trust him? “My name is . . .”

He pulled his hand back and smiled “it’s alright if you do not wish to tell me. Would you like some food?”

Now that he mentioned it Castor’s stomach did feel awfully empty. She nodded quickly, not moving. The man smiled and pointed to Castor’s side. She glanced that way and saw Miles was on the grass, sleeping, his small body rising up and down slowly.

The man turned to rummage through a leather sack and Castor took the time to look around. The sun was sinking low and long shadows stretched across a small clearing they were in. Right behind her was a log and she slowly sat on it, shivering. Not that it was cold, but because of everything that had happened. There was a pain in her heart she couldn’t describe, and yet this man seemed to wipe it away. His voice was quiet and kind. Castor decided that she could trust him.

He handed her an apple which she happily bit into. The man went about making a fire and soon small flames were dancing about casting eerie shadows in the clearing. He sat cross-legged next to the fire near Miles, chewing on a piece of bread.

Castor stared into the flames and watched them play and frolic as if in a game of tag. Slowly she began to scoot closer and closer to them, the warmth drawing her in. She stopped merely inches away from the fire, soaking in the heat. A twig snapped and popped and she jumped back, frightened. The man smiled at her and patted the ground next to his side. “You can sit over here if you wish. Would you like to wake your brother?”

Castor nodded, walking tentatively to Miles. She leaned down and tapped Miles’ shoulder gently. He stirred and rubbed his eyes as he woke up slowly. He took one look at the man with the blond hair and scooted back. Castor grabbed his arm. “Don’t worry Miles he’s . . . a friend.”

She turned to the man. “My name is . . . Castor.”

She extended her hand ever so slowly. He took it and gave a good shake. He smiled and turned to Miles. “My name is Jeric. You have nothing to fear.”

Castor sat down next to him, and for some reason she did feel safe.


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Sun May 25, 2014 2:43 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Tim is here, for the fist time, for a review! Time to get down and get my hands dirty, eh?

Nitpicks

She plopped to the ground


She plopped to the ground? That made me think of a marshmallow. How bout dropped?

She glanced up at the pretty forest to the left


That is a small example of telling. Don't tell us that the forest is pretty, show us using your beautiful descriptive words.

The bird just sat there looking at her so she slowly advanced more.


Comma after "her"

Determined to get the bird she began to make her way off the path.


Comma after "bird"

Oh no you don’t little missy


Comma after "don't"

Spoiler! :
I think I have pointed out enough comma mistakes. You know what needs a little bit of touching up. The only reason I am here is to show you. I think you can take it from here.
Something to help you along. Google found it for me. :D
Don't click here!
Hopefully that link worked. I have problems getting the code right sometimes.


Comments on story and whatnot

Wow. Just wow. This was amazing. Your descriptions are beautiful and perfect length. Not too much to bore me, but enough to give me a vivid picture--but still leaving something to my imagination. Still leaving a picture that I can form.

I like Castor. Giving in and being the ambitious one isn't the bad thing. I think I agree with her dad.
Her dad. You really start things off with a bang! Or in this case, an arrow. I was not expecting so much death and mayhem so close. So soon to the beginning! It does have a way of drawing the reader in, though. Which it did very well.
Your action scenes are perfect. Short sentences that draw me in. Make me bounce from sentence to sentence, in worry of what the next will say.
See you at the next chapter!
~Darth Timmyjake




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Sat May 10, 2014 10:12 pm
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lostthought wrote a review...



Ok mess. You're getting that review now. Now shush till I'm done.

Nitpicks

Spoiler! :
Determined to get the bird she began to make her way off the path.

Determined to get the bird is an independent clause and you need a comma afterwards.

horse,and walked back.

I think you missed a space.

Castor you mother

You mother? *grins devilishly* Don't you mean your

then you can your friends about

I don't know about you, but I always can my friends about. I'm sure you are missing a word here.

At any rate, all is well right now so let’s just hurry up and get back home, hmm?

I'm sure you are missing the first quotation mark at the beginning of this.

Desperate for her children Madelyn yanked as hard

Look! Another independent clause! Desperate for her children

and smiled “it’s

I'm quite sure that you are missing a ending punctuation and it's needs to be capitalized


I finally read it! Nice job at killing the parents. That tends to make people wonder what happens next. Poor Castor, being awaken after such a dramatic affair. At least she is safe now.

Big prologue. Big be bad. :p Ok, so this is a good prologue, but it's awful long, mess. A lot of people agree on that view point.

I need to get to chapter one before you edit it again without my assistance. Goodness knows that we can't have that. Let's go to it now!

Keep writing your chapters. Wouldn't want to fall behind.

-lost




Messenger says...


hahahahahaha You make me laugh lost. That is a brilliantly snarky way of reviewing! ;) This is long, and I am planning on possibly scrapping it. But thanks for the review; if I don't scrap it this will come in handy!



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Sun May 04, 2014 2:35 am
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

First and foremost: what is the point to this prologue?

I am asking this seriously. All we find out here is that Castor is probably going to be adopted by this guy, her parents died in a bandit attack, and some aspects of her personality. All of this could be sprinkled out throughout the work and not be lumped into a stiff, slow, pretty uninteresting prologue.

Most prologues are skipped because they introduce information that's very easy to work into the story later. Heck, this could be done in the introductions of chapter one and take far less time. Her personality should be just as well established there as here.

In all honesty, I'd cut it. This gives us absolutely no pieces of information that can't be delivered later, in a more subtle way.

Onto stuff that can actually be used to improve other parts of this story.

First off, do a search for the word "slowly". Highlight every instance of it. You will find it shows up eleven times, sometimes in two sentences in a row. If every action is slow then it's not really slow anymore, really. Pick adverbs and use them sparingly, because they lose effectiveness if overused.

You will honestly want to go through every single adverb in here to evaluate its effectiveness. I did a find and you have over fifty -ly words in here, most of which I'm sure can be cut. Adverbitis makes this prologue nearly impossible to picture because most of it is boiled down into single words with a dozen different potential looks. "Impatiently", for example, can take on multiple facial expressions and stances, from looking at the person through your lashes while wringing your hands to pursing your lips and crossing your arms.

You also use words such as "pretty" and "safe". These have a similar effect to emotional adverbs: they describe something that is too nuanced for a single word. What is "pretty"? Try to answer that with something everybody can agree on. Prettiness is indeed in the eye of the beholder and by not describing what Castor finds pretty, you have us lose out on description that both reveals the world and characterizes her. Safe is the same deal; what, exactly, makes her feel safe?

This gloss of summary in both adverbs and adjectives makes your prose lack quite a lot of lustre, characterization, and nuance. I have no idea at all about what Castor likes. Not in detail. You can't expect everyone to understand what adverbs and adjectives mean because they are not simple and change based on your upbringing, cultural background, and own worldview.

What we think is shaped from our foundation. If you want to define pretty, you have to ask what Castor's been taught is pretty. Is a dead animal pretty, because it means food and skins? Is a pearl pretty, because it's valuable? Is red pretty, or is that an evil colour? You are taught all of these things, and you are also exposed to these things. Things of value or things that appear to be of value to you are what you find "pretty".

Same deal with safe: if safe means fire, then any fire is at least safer than no fire. If it means a log cabin with locks on the doors, then a tent will be unsafe. These are things you have to think about and describe instead of relying on broadstroaks brushes that are lazy ways of saying "yes this is the emotion I want isn't that clear?"

It's not.

Onto your dialogue and the many punctuation errors therein (check where you've placed quotation marks before posting, please). It's stilted. Spend time in chat, spend time in IM conversations, eavesdrop on everybody around you. You will find that they speak much less perfectly than this. The dialogue here is almost indistinguishable from the prose, and that means you're giving every thing the same voice: yours.

Characters are people. They have different upbringings, speaking patterns, vocabularies, and sayings. I, for example, say "six to one, half a dozen to the other" when I mean "equal" (because half a dozen is six) because that's what my dad says; I have yet to meet another person who uses this phrase, and I'm explaining it to everybody.

So take the time to get to know these people. People do not speak without a goal nor do they speak in perfect English. Keeping these two things in mind can help you branch off each character's voice and personality into something that is unique to them that doesn't sound like the author manipulating puppets to speak with only a thin gloss over their own voice. A writer needs to be multiple people in a single mind, to account for all the characters.

Overall, this was really quite broad. I didn't get much if any emotional pull from this, even though I should be quite emotional for characters becoming orphans. You have the information you want to convey down on paper, but it's lacking any and all nuance to turn this from your idea to its own living, breathing work of art. Get down and dirty with details. That is where art lies.

Work on your characters. Learn them. Figure out how they define adjectives and adverbs, and figure out how they speak and how they are different from you. Take the ideas of what you want the characters to be and figure out what that means for them. "Caring" is an adjective that goes from "drops everything to spend a week with another person because they were hurt" to "beats up people who hurt friend".

Add some variety. Then this'll sing.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions/comments.

~Rosey




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Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:57 pm
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Wolfi says...



Nice prologue! I'm glad I read it; a lot more things make sense now.




Messenger says...


I thought it would :P



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Sun Apr 27, 2014 7:24 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

Told ya your novel was on my list :)

Okay, so this is a rather long prologue. As a personal preference, I like short prologues; ones that give us just a tiny glimpse of the story before it officially begins. Of course, long prologues can work too. As long as you get the information in that you want to get in, it doesn't really matter how long the prologue is. If I was writing this, which I'm not (obviously) but let's just pretend, I would've ended the prologue with Castor and Miles riding away from the scene. There has been total chaos and they don't know what to do. What a perfect way to leave the readers hanging?! That would most definitely make me want to read more.

Other than the length, there isn't much I'd suggest changing. There are a lot of grammar/spelling errors, but I'm assuming that's because you didn't edit this before you posted. Shame on you! And Deanie and Shady did a good job catching all those mistakes.

Here I go onto the first chapter!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sat Apr 19, 2014 8:02 pm
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MysteryMe wrote a review...



Hi Messenger! MysteryMe again!

I don't have much time to give another long review, so I'll make this really quick. I just really wanted to tell you that I love this edited version of the prologue! The new beginning is so incredibly adorable, and it does a much better job at showing Castor's adventurous side and making us all love her. It was a great improvement :D.

The only errors I found were...

The line "to show her four-tear old brother Miles to remain quiet" should read 'four-year old brother.'

And the line "It was petty. So dark and shiny-looking" should read 'it was pretty.'

That was it, really. Awesome job!!




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Thu Apr 17, 2014 2:11 am
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MysteryMe wrote a review...



Hey there, Messenger! It's MysteryMe, here for a quick review!!!

Just want to say, this was a great prologue. You supplied a good deal of information (who the characters are, the general setting, the tragic event) without doing the classic info-dump that I tend to do way too often.

I loved the character development of Castor, she seems absolutely adorable, and the mysteriousness of Jeric was a good way to end the chapter in a sort-of cliff hanger. The death scene was very emotional and well-done (I was really starting to like those parents!) but it was a bit rushed. You can fix that up easily, though, just by adding some more imagery and visualization.

Basically, the only thing negative I need to say about this is that I did find a few grammar mistakes and areas where you needed some extra punctuation. But, fortunately, it's all simple enough so that I can point it out for you, so it'll only take you a second to fix.

For the line "But mother I want to explore the woods" to "But mother! I want to explore the woods!"

For the line "There could be dangerous things and we don't want you to get hurt" you forgot the first quotation mark.

For the line "He pulled his hand back and smiled" you need a period before the quote.

For the line "eyes hollow, bodies male-nourished" it should be "malnourished."

For the line "Tears burst from his eyes as realized what was going to happen" it should be 'he realized.'

For the line "Slowly she began scoot closer and closer to them" it should be 'to scoot.'

I think there may be a few more, but that's all I could find for now. Hope I helped!!!!

Like I said, great job!!!! Keep writing! I can't wait to read the other chapters.




Messenger says...


thanks for getting those technical errors!



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Tue Apr 01, 2014 8:56 pm
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Deifyance wrote a review...



Hey! Sorry I'm a little late, but I'll try to give you some stuff you can work on!

I really like what you have here in terms of a prologue. You have a neat writing style and I believe you know exactly what you want to accomplish by the end. A clear goal. Your vocabulary is good, maybe a little too good for this type of story.

We don't really know what time frame this is taking place in, which is okay. Try to mould your words around first the world, then push them through the filter that is your character. Some others mentioned the unbelievable dialogue coming from Castor, and they are completely right. I'd like to be able to tell more about the character based on their word choice. The way that our main characters were speaking led me to believe that they were all learned nobles maybe? Someone of stature. But, if that was the case, then why were they traveling alone? The words you choose will direct the reader to certain presumptions. Use this to your advantage!

The whole killing the parents thing has worn off on me, personally. As soon as I realized you were spending too much time on the parents, I knew you were going to kill them off. The only thing I can say that would help is to do something we don't expect. Have them kill the horses, or kill the parents in a way we haven't seen. Trying to cause trauma to a character by killing someone we really don't care about is not a good idea. Ether 1: make us care about them by spending a lot of time developing them and lead us to believe that they will be around for a while. 2: Kill or harm something we all inherently love and have feelings for, like animals. The audience can't really identify with the main character here. We don't feel what she feels, and that causes a disconnect. Make us care about the parents first, or kill something we already care about.
-Just make sure you stay away from the whole 'I'm going to kill the guy, so I'll make sure he says a lot before I kill him so people care about him.' way of thought. It doesn't work.

Other than that, I love it! I'm excited to see where this goes! I'll be trying my best to follow along!
(We gotta get that 'subscribe' thing goin' ;) )
Blessings!




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Sun Mar 30, 2014 4:37 am
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SushiSashimi333 wrote a review...



Overall your story was pretty good! It was a little predictable when you told me it was sad I got the gist of what was going to happen, however it was still pretty good. However, I would have loved it, during the death scene, if you had added a ton more blood and a little less drama. I get that the death scene was supposed to be very touching, and it would have been if it hadn't been a little too cliche. How to make it not so? Well that part's up to you.

There were quite a bit of words that you spelled wrong, and spelling them wrong gave them a completely different meaning. For example, you had a type in malnourished making it malenourished, so does that mean nourished with males? XD I don't think so, just go back and check for more like those so that people don't get confused.

I feel like when you described Castor's anger then had her following orders, although reluctantly, it just didn't sit right. If she's that angry then she should go down with a little more fight, right? Plus she's only six years old. It's hard for me to grasp the concept of a six year old, but I feel like it should be a mixture between anger and innocence?? I personally don't know, but what you have now doesn't really seem like it's quite there. YET.

The way you ended this was quite nice, a perfect last line too. However, there were some issues with transition. It's not directly with the story itself, but more of the mood. In the beginning you start happy, the transition to rage and sorrow is good, but then you go to complete calm all of a sudden. It's just too strange for me, but this is just my opinion.

Overall this was pretty good! All you have to fix is what I mentioned earlier. Keep up with the good writing ^^ Hope this helped you.

Sushi :D




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Sun Mar 30, 2014 1:23 am
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GreenTulip wrote a review...



Hi Messenger, Tulip here to give you a review after reading both your pieces and the reviews that came before mine. I have to say, I'm impressed and have to find words to describe the things that I am impressed by, without reiterating those of who have gone before me.

So I liked these parts:

A hand clasped her right wrist and she saw that one of the armed men had grabbed her. Miles was shaking and sobbing, yelling “Daddy!” and Castor was trying to dismount, face red, anger burning in her heart.

and
The man turned to rummage through a leather sack and Castor took the time to look around. The sun was sinking low and long shadows stretched across a small clearing they were in. Right behind her was a log and she slowly sat on it, shivering. Not that it was cold, but because of everything that had happened. There was a pain in her heart she couldn’t describe, and yet this man seemed to wipe it away. His voice was quiet and kind. Castor decided that she could trust him.


Now for why I liked these parts I suppose.
I liked the first one most of all because I feel like it is what children even that young would react like. I could imagine young Miles crying into the mane of his horse as Castor tried to get to her parents.
I liked the second one because is very vivid. I can imagine myself there sitting beside her.




Messenger says...


Well this is very happy review. Glad you liked those parts, they were both something I tried to work on specifically.



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Shady wrote a review...



Yo Messenger,

Shady here with a quick review for you.

So, I'm only going to nitpick a few things, but give you a few overall comments that I noticed as I was reading your story, without intending to actually take the time to write out this review. The first think I noticed was that you start with dialogue... I suppose that's more of a stylistic preference than anything else, but I recommend starting with something other than dialogue.

You need to give your readers something solid to latch on to before you give them a conversation to follow. As it starts now we have absolutely no idea who Castor is until you explain that she was dashing into the woods-- and we have no idea who Madelyn is, or why she cares that the kid is running away, or why the kid is running away, or really anything. I'd recommend giving us a close up of Castor. Show her mischievous charm-- her finding her destination, edging away, making her move. *Show* us more of the personality to get us set up for the scene that will come.

The other thing I noticed was that the dialogue isn't very believable in places. I mean, the first time we hear Castor talk:

“But mother I want to explore the woods.”
-- She's six. Six year olds don't say thing like "But mother" or "explore". They're more like to go "But Mommy! Mommy, I want to see what's over there!" Or something less... mature? I guess. Don't make her rational pleading her case-- she's six and was just told no, so make her more desperate.

“No, no, let . . .go. I’ll . . .die . . . love . . .love you Maddy!”
- Puhlease, his kids are in danger and there's nothing he could do about it. "No. Kids. Save the kids." Is more likely where his mind would be.

bodies male-nourished.
~ Teehee, this made me giggle a bit. Malnourished. "Male-nourished" would be nourishment supplied by a guy.

he struggled to talk as blood poured out of the arrow wound and soaked his shirt.
~ Why is the blood affecting his ability to talk? You connect the two here, but not with a strong mental link as to *why* the wound is affecting his ability to talk. *Show* us more about what's happening-- his hands soaked in his own blood, clasped over his chest, trembling, unable to breathe and barely able to talk. Something. Bring this scene alive!

Madelyn was frozen, unsure of what to do.
~ Why? Corbin just told her what to do-- she knows what to do. Maybe she's frozen with fear, unable to make her body obey her urges for it to snatch up her children and run, but not this.

Anger burned raged and thrashed
~ Synonyms. Choose and eliminate. No need to use so many adjectives.
~

Okay! That got longer than I intended. You've got a good story idea, and I'm interested to know where you'll take this. I hope this wasn't a discouraging review-- I just wanted to help you polish your story up. Let me know when you post the next bit~

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Messenger says...


Thank you for the review. I have an idea of a better introduction and I'll add it soon! I'll also hop on those nitpicks and such quickly. I think if I add those things it'll really spruce up the story so thank you for showing them too me! This was actually quite a positive review with a lot of good stuff! I'll tag you when chapter 1 comes out and also when I edit it if you would like?



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Fri Mar 28, 2014 3:40 pm
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TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...



I like this prologue very much!

Its not all mystery and confusion like so many prologues are, and I thought that you could have even made an entire novella by extending this story.

I'm assuming that you are going to have the first chapter start with Castor as a teenage girl...

This was a good lead up and gave lots of exposition that I think the reader would not have other wise gotten. It was captivating and didn't make me want to skip to the first chapter like I usually do.

Without parents, Castor will need strength to survive, and I think you gave us a very good dose of that strength.

I also thought you captured the essence of a child's bouncy, never-ending energy very well. I was able to believe that Castor was a child; she had the mannerisms and behavior to be one.

I was a little confused about Jeric's age; maybe you mentioned it and I didn't read well enough. Is he as old as Castor's parents? Old enough to be a teenage brother? Or early twenties? Also, my brain couldn't figure out what is felt about Jeric. I mistrusted him at first, but then when Castor started to trust him, I was confused about what to feel. I think that maybe a smidgen of character development would do you some good in relation to Jeric's character.

I found no grammar or spelling issues in your piece. Well-written.

Keep persisting, love!

Evilly (yes, evilly),
Aurora Katherine Elisabeth Keira Chelsea Nightwaters (not my real name)




Messenger says...


Why thank you Aurora (your real named:) Glad to hear I made the characters believeable and showed Castor's strong side so clearly as well as got ya hooked :P I will work on Jeric a little. I just wasn't sure how to introduce his age from a six-year old standpoint but I'll try!
I'll tag you when Chapter 1 comes out! Thanks for the review and like.(well if you care to give one)



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Fri Mar 28, 2014 6:28 am
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Deanie wrote a review...



Heya Messenger!

So I just about have time to read this before I need to go to school. I think you did a really good job of showing the characters already in their place. In a short amount of words you've showed us that Castor is strong willed and determined, taking whatever path she can to get her way. She's curious and when she's angry you probably don't want to be on her bad side. And you've showed Miles to be a more calmer, quiet and obedient person. More likely to follow Castor than lead her himself. I do think Castor is older though, so that would make some sense, seeing as he's only four when this is happening.

I enjoyed the story, and how you described the bit where the bandits came in and the sadness both children felt when their parents died. You did kind of leave out the middle bit where they stop the horse and struggle down from the saddle because they're so small. I wondered when/why they decided to stop. Probably because they were tired, or maybe they would've stopped earlier or turned around or whatever, maybe trying to go back and find their parents again. So, I was just wondering how they chose where to stop ^^

I love how neither of the kids decided to ask Jeric how he knew they had a hard day. It's very like kids to just accept it :)

Castor still squirmed


You did a lot of description when it came to some parts, but you could add even more in here, in just the small spaces. You'd used 'squirmed' before this. I'm not sure quite how old Castor is, but young enough to be picked up. So you could say her short little childlike legs kicked unhappily as she tried to break free. Or if she's a bit older and thinner her thin long legs or something. It's a really small detail but when you put lots of small details in little places the reader gets the description taken in without feeling like it's being fired at them all in one go. And sometimes they don't even notice they're taking it in, just add it to the imagery in their minds.

and then you can your friends about everything we did at Uncle’s


I think you mean: then you can tell your friends...

One thing I would've liked a bit more would be some description of the forest. They're travelling home, yes, but is this forest scary and is the light going from the brightness to a dim evening sky? It would foreshadow what's about to happen a bit, the sky changing from light to dark, if you wanted. It could look like a nice forest for exploring or a dark and scary one that Castor wanted to prove wasn't frightening or something. Tall trees, short trees, whatever, I wanted to know what it looked like.

Corbin was struggling to pull himself up as they advanced eyes hollow, bodies male-nourished


... struggling to pull himself up as they advanced, their eyes hollow...

helped to pull corbin up


Typo! Corbin needed a capital.

Anger burned raged and thrashed in Castor’s soul like a restless maniac


Here come the commas for the list: anger burned, raged and thrashed...

I suppose that's all the feedback I have for the first chapter! But you did a brilliant job, and of course, I'm looking forwards to the next bit next week.

As always, your loyal sage,

Deanie x




Messenger says...


Thank you Sage Deanie! I'll get them typos and commas soon enough. Also I'll try to add a little bit about the forest and include some more detail as to Castor squirming. The part where Castor wakes up is supposed to have two blank lines like a time lapse you know? Maybe I'll put some asterisks or something. How emotional did you get here reading this chapter?



Deanie says...


Yes asterisks would be a good idea. It was a very sad chapter



Messenger says...


Yeah...
Spoiler! :
I nearly cried



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Fri Mar 28, 2014 3:35 am
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PeanutPhoebe wrote a review...



Wow. This was super good. I loved Castor's rebelliousness as a child. I did notice a few grammar errors. For instance, when you adress someone as mother or father it should be capitalized. When you refer to them as that, it shouldn't. Castor seems very "grown up" for a six year old! I do want to know more about the men who killed the parents. Why? Who are they? Maybe you did that purposely to tell us later tho. I also liked Jeruc's character. It's a great start!




Messenger says...


I'll get on the mother/father thing right away!




He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche