March 18, 2011
What is a dream? A dream can be defined as a hallucination, mental picture, an idea, or even a nightmare. What are animals/humans to define a dream? Everyone has a dream. I have dreams. Some of my dreams are for my family, my friends, and for me. I also have a dream for the world.
To start with, my first wish is for my family. I love my family, but I don’t like the current them. I desire my sisters to get to their act together, nevertheless; take care of their children. When my mother speaks she thinks she is always right. This woman does not listen and is ignorant, not only to the family, but, unfortunately, common since as well. When I leave the place I call home at the moment I stay out for as long as possible, yet still, I want to return. My niece, Crystal, is a year and a half younger than I am and we share a room. I like her company; fore she is my sister. I want her to take things more serenely. I want my whole family to be able to sit together in the same room as well as conversate in a conductive manor. I can’t help it. I know that this may not ever happen because . . . well, that’s how thing are. All I can do is try. And try I surely will.
Secondly are my friends. I love my friends; I have two best friends. I hope they get what is meant for them. I like hanging out with them. They like to go to the Mall a lot. Brandon is a doll. He calls me a lot and is great company. I hope he travels the world. Kim is also a favorite of mine. She is as energetic as a monkey on steroids. My friends are quiet yet as loud as a herd of elephants.
My dream is to take care of my family and to reach my goal as a best selling novelists and creator of art. I am love learn languages and landscaping. I want to reach that goal and many more dreams in my fantasy. I want to see if I can bring it to life. I want to see my work fly out of the store doors! My dream for the world is shaky. The world is a messed up place. And I don’t thing it will ever be a great world, though the thought of a good one maybe possible; yet that could only work out if enough people cared. I wish the world was what nobody wanted it to be, but what we needed. Maybe then it will be closer to a good world that we dream of.
I don’t know what a dream is, and can you honestly say that you can? Maybe it is just a daydream, delusion, or an ideal. A dream is a castle in the sky. My so called dream is a fantasy. Who knows, it might just come to be. Maybe . . . we are just a dream of something bigger . . .
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Hey! First I want to say that this piece was thought provoking and left a door open for different interpretations.
My favorite part of the passage is: "My dream for the world is shaky. The world is a messed up place. And I don’t thing it will ever be a great world, though the thought of a good one maybe possible; yet that could only work out if enough people cared. I wish the world was what nobody wanted it to be, but what we needed."
My favorite line in the entire passage is "I wish the world was what nobody wanted it to be, but what we needed"
Things that were done great: The opening paragraph sets the stage for what your passage will ultimately be about and gets the reader thinking about what a dream is to them.
Things that can be improved: Some sentences come across a little wordy. Also, you should take particular care at grammar and spelling mistakes. Using spell check and grammar check would help too.
Overall, this is a thought provoking piece and I would love to read more.
Hi QuietQuilla!
Quick nitpick:
This doesn't make any grammatical sense. I suggest you rewrite it.
But other than that, I found this to be a very good essay! Your introduction paragraph was like a table of contents, telling us what you'd be talking about. Your thesis was clear and was introduced right away.
The next three paragraphs covered your points stated in the introduction paragraph, and highlighted what you care about most in the world. You give good examples of why you want to achieve your dream and make this essay feel personal, and relatable.
The closing paragraph ended quite nicely, with giving us something to think about, both with the question and the ending ominous sentence that makes us ponder life and our existence and we become all philosophical. x)
Overall, this was a really good essay! Nicely written, grammatically correct for the most part, and a clear and solid flow. You covered all of your main points with examples and explanations, and it was simple enough to follow and comprehend. Nice work. ^^
Lol (nick pick) Thanks
*flys in on a giant flying turtle* hey there KissMe here to give you a review!
I liked it. Punctuation, grammar, spelling, blah blah blah. Same old same old. But still good. I totally agree with the end :3 (sorry it's short I just don't know what to say about it) but great job, thank you for posting it.
Let's get to it!
First off this is very interesting to me
Keep writing and follow your dreams!!
~KissMe