I was determined not to let the joy I felt end there. I tied the rope around the farthest branch and only then did I climb down the tree to pacify Annie. “Frank,” she patronized, “why go so high?”
“Because it’s fun,” I explained bluntly. She nodded, but I doubted she could ever really understand. I turned to the rope and saw a piece of art, something that would carry away life’s worries, though if I had been looking properly, I would have seen the rot that diminished the strength of the old rope.
Then I jumped, clinging to the rope and screaming with delight. Once I was hovering over the lake’s cool surface, I let go and fell into its depths. I resurfaced, laughing, to see Annie’s sparkling green eyes looking down at me. Without speaking a word, I knew what she meant. She wanted to experience the rush of exhilaration I had.
Again and again, we swung through the air on that tattered and worn out rope. Hours were lost in the excitement of our youth. Truly there could be nothing better. By now, the clouds had
covered the sky and a light rain began to descend upon our already damp bodies, but I didn’t care. When a streak of lightning lit the sky, Annie’s apprehension settled in. She wanted to go back to the cabin where our grandparents would be waiting for us. She said they might not know we were at the lake and would be worried. Her frail body now shivered with cold as a chilly wind descended into the valley. I muttered something about her being a coward and a sissy. She was
killing my fun! So on we swung until the gradually descending darkness became unbearable for her. “This isn’t any fun at all,” she whimpered.
“Just try it one more time,” I pleaded. “It’ll make you feel better.”
She wiped away a tear and approached the rope in complete trust. “And then we go back?” she asked.
I nodded and gave her a shove over the lake. A bolt of lightning hit the top of the tree and the rope gave way, trailing like a plume of smoke. Without even a scream, her body fell into the shallow, rocky part of the lake. I ran to see if she was ok, but I knew she wasn’t. Before I could reach her, another lightning bolt hit the surface of the lake and it, leaving only blackness in its stead. Blackness and the faint glow of my friend’s cigarette butt.
I blinked away the rain—at least, I think it was rain—from my eyes. “Take it,” Carvalho grunted in annoyance, gesturing for me to reach into the bag.
I shuddered and shook my head. I couldn’t do it.
Carvalho grabbed my shoulder and coaxed, “You need it, Gaspar. You need it to let go of the weight on your back. Just give it a try. I promise you won’t regret it.” Then I looked up at him and saw what was out of place. It was his eyes. They were glazed over, having lost their innocence. I knew that by giving in to what he wanted, I would lose the life in my eyes. I knew I would turn out just like him, but despite the warning bells sounding in my head, I reached into the bag to pull out a small circular pill. Meth or heroin, I couldn’t see it, but I no longer cared. Who had I been fooling? The way I saw it, my eyes were already dead.
Annie would never have understood.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Ahhh...now I see how you have used to poem in this short story. Hm, I will grudgingly admit you did a pretty good job there. I liked the story line, despite your writing (You don't show enough emotions and depth! Sorry to be blunt) but your storyline has a hidden depth to it. Especially the part about Annie, how she would never have understood. That feeling of adrenalin and the rush of ecstasy through her veins, that she would never have understood? That was how I perceived it, but great ending.
Start a new line here, new speech.So, a few suggestions here and there:
Nice comparison of rope to life and to how it was the relief of the character's worries and stress. Quite clever.
So like Cricket said, you probably should have expanded this and pry open our MC's emotions. Because right now, I'm getting more depth in Annie than our MC. His sister just died for god's sake! This is a great opportunity to dish out some raw emotions and add in some depth, don't just jump straight to the butt. Shouldn't he at least feel something? Remorse? Anger? Guilt ? Also, the blackness was a good transitional word but it was a bit abrupt. Death and then, reality. Add in some more subtle lines to help the transition to be smoother.
Now, the ending was very interesting. That was the one part where I could really see Gaspar's feelings and that he was already dead at least in spirit. Like I've said before, you tidied up this story pretty neatly too. So, good job though this story has a lot of potential to be expanded into a novel.
So, keep it up and I hope I have helped a bit.
-Laure
Again, the descriptions is great, though it could use more in parts. The lightning probably didn't just hit out of the blue. What signs were there that it was coming on? Was it stormy in the beginning, or did it cloud over as the hours passed?
Again, the transition back to the real world seemed a bit abrupt. Maybe that's the attitude you're going for, so there's no real need to change it.
The ending seems like it could be an end to a chapter, or the whole story. If it's just a chapter end, you may want to give us some hint, like an unresolved something for us to wonder about.
Great continuation!
Thanks for the review! If I ever feel the desire to edit this story, I'll definitely work on transitions.
Hey there! Cricket here for a short review!!
OK, LET THE NITPICKING BEGIN!!!! Don't worry! I don't think I saw that many. lol
OK, I don't understand what exactly happened here, but you have three paragraphs separated right in the middle of the sentences. I think it was a typo, but just in case I thought I would point it out.
OK, so this part I just think could use a little more describing than what you have done. A little more emotion on his part. He just saw his friend fall into a lake and all he can do, a minute afterwords, is reach into a bag and take a drug. You need to describe more on what he is feeling, maybe something like, he's wondering what Annie would say if she saw him being tempted by the drug. Like she's speaking to him, and he's trying to resist her voice, and then he just gives in, because he just can't bear the pain. That's what I mean, try to draw us in, by the telling us how he feels and what he is thinking, and a lot more in depth than what you have is really needed for a story line like this.
This paragraph I just have one little nitpick. Its too short. A normal paragraph usually has at the least three sentences, so just add on or insert it into another paragraph.
OK, other than that, this is super amazing. I was a little sad when he gave into the drugs though. Usually a story starts out with the character being strong; not in this one!!! MAKES IT UNIQUE!!!! You started him out strong, and then broke him. So well done for story line! So my main nitpick I just think that you could be a bit more vivid when describing what he is feeling, and that's all!!!!
Sooo.... I hoped I helped!!!! Ohhhh, and that is one cooooool avatar!!!!
Thank you!!! I really, really appreciate it!
Nooooo, problem!!!!