Five minutes past the predetermined time, I jogged breathlessly into the narrow alleyway, and ducked for shelter to conceal myself from the pelting rain. Wet and disheveled from my attempt to be on time, I stared into the glum face of my peers. None were impressed, particularly Carvalho. Carvalho was roughly my height, but far tougher and grimmer. The darkness engulfing our hollow
alcove didn’t help, and the rain only added to my edginess. “Shall we get on with it, then?” asked one, Jackson, in a voice that was far too gruff for a seventeen year old.
I nodded tentatively. I had to do this. Annie would have understood.
Carvalho slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a clear plastic bag, it was too dark to see what was in there, but I didn’t need to see it to know its dangerous potency.
Jackson casually lighted a cigarette. I stared at him in the brief second the light offered as though I’d just seen a stranger. Carvalho, too, seemed foreign to me, but why? Neither looked any
different. Perhaps it was I who was different. This thought comforted me. It gave me a brief insight as to why I stood drenched from head to toe in an abandoned alley. Recently, my friends had become more distant, and I wanted to be a part of that. I needed to. It was my initiation night and I could not back down now. My happiness was dependent upon tonight. Annie would have understood.
For reasons I could not explain, I was taken back eight years to a beautiful summer day, with only a few clouds detectable hovering above my head as if the sky was watching over us – Annie and I –for the earth still loved us then. She was seven, so frail and innocent; her cheeks were warm and rosy. Her single braid hung loosely over her shoulder and her eyes were a vibrant, almost piercing, green. She idolized me for my brave foolishness, though I’ll never understand why.
“Almost got it!” I called to her as I shinnied up the great tree.
“Well, be careful,” she answered in her sweet voice. “I don’t want you to get hurt!”
But I didn’t listen. I climbed higher, daring myself to go further until I had reached the limit. By the time I looked down, I was thirty feet above the ground. It was intimidating, but the valley of mountains that encased the entire scene made up for it with serenity and comfort. By now the clouds were higher in the sky, more magnificent and tall, casting a shadow over the glossy, bottle green lake below. A grey tinge began creeping its way around the bottom of the white columns as if staining its purity in despair. In my innocence, I did not acknowledge the danger. I was happy, despite my sister’s persistent worry.
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140,220 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Ahhh, so this is a follow up or theme-related back to the poem right? Hm, I can see a bit of connection between the two though it seemed you just used some words from the poem and then used it in this story. The imagery was pretty good here, despite in some places where you could have done more show than tell. For me, I enjoyed the memory part far more than the beginning for that was described beautifully but it was also laced with a foreshadow of danger.
I have a few nitpicks for this short story:
Hmm, show don't tell. Remember that, show us how Carvalho was tougher and grimmer by describing his facial features. Not that facial features say quite a lot about the characters. Engulfing should be 'engulfed' for past tense and also, the way you separated the paragraphs were actually quite clever. At first, I didn't realize what was going on, but yeah then I caught on.
I really looked this paragraph since it reflected the character's feelings quite well. Especially since it reflected the others too, why they were different? This pushed the readers to read on, well for me anyways.
Like liesgirl has said, you kept mentioning Annie though unlike her I found this perfectly fine and as you say. Annie has been kept in the dark for us but even though, through the description of her I already has a pretty good mental image of her and her personality. And we also know the Annie is the character's sister. To be frank, Annie actually stood out from all the rest of the characters.
So, good start! I'm going to move over to the next part.
-Laure
Thanks, I'll work on that!
This seems like a good start, but a bit confusing. You keep referencing Annie. At the end we realize that she's your sister, but it would have been helpful to have seen that before.
Your description of the memory is quite vivid, though it could have used a bit more of a transition.
This is just a minor thing, but conceal is usually for things like hiding, not shelter.
Overall, it's a great start!
The purpose of referencing to Annie at the beginning was meant to inspire curiosity in the reader to entice them to read on, it wasn't supposed to be confusing, but I now see your point. Thanks for the tips!