Young Writers Society

Well, I will get right to it, hopefully, you'll find this helpful.

Firstly:

"Time to play a song,
The song of the swan."

What does the song of the swan refer to? It simply contradicts completely with the poem. When you start by inviting the people to listen to the song of the swan but then as the readers go through, there isn't a swan nor a song, not even figuratively. It doesn't make any sense.

"For the million of memories,
Buried under my yard."

I like the personification

"Happiness disappeared,
Drowning in acid.
It all meant nothing,
Cheap like plastic."

Again I like the figures of speech, however, I can't really tell if it's a couplet or a quatrain or even a tercet considering the statement "It all meant nothing". Another thing was completely vague in an extremely nonartistic nor poetic way was "It all meant nothing" what is it that meant nothing? You haven't even remotely elaborated or gave a hint throughout the poem

"Yet I can't let go,
I'm not strong enough.
I must survive this,
I have to be tough."

I found this part very weak artistically, it sounded whiney, more like a teenage girl who just broke up with her boyfriend.

"Soon I'll be arrested,
For murdering my childhood friends.
May the memories live on,
Until the end."

The closing stanza is disastrous. At this point, I can't tell if "childhood friends" is a metaphor for something else -which I really hope it is- or it's just the plain truth that this poem feebly illustrates the thoughts of a murderer.

Finally, you categorized your poem as a dramatic satire. Unfortunately, I found it missing all the elements of satire. There was no irony or humor or exaggeration which are the main three elements of satire. The poem itself is not an ode nor an elegy, as it doesn't really mourn the dead and definitely doesn't have an elevated style whatsoever.

I studied Italian, English and French literature, and poetry for four years in college and for two years after that for my MA; so, I may say I know poetry and this isn't it.

My recommendation you'd work more on understanding the essential elements of poetry in terms of knowing its structure, its forms, comprehending the efficient usage of sound patterns, etc...

You are definitely creative, however, based on this poem, you sure need some efficient direction to your creativity.

Regards,
YD

Will have to explain to me what the song of the swan is, unless that's just a vague reference to something else and of no real importance. Millions of memories buried under your yard, Ha! Too many bones.

Only concept I can pull from "happiness disappeared, cheap like plastic", then drowning in acid. I guess the guy tried to dispose of the bodies by dissolving in acid, though I'm assuming that they didn't completely disintegrate, either that or the remains were buried in bags. I guess the cheap like plastic means hard plastic bags were used lol or....eh.

Murdering one's childhood friends is serious shit. Gotta imagine what these friends were thinking in those last moments. Here is a guy you've grown up with all of your life, have known very well, and all of the other bits in between, and now he's about to end your life? Gotta imagine the visions they have of the past they shared with this friend-turned-murderer. The smiles, the tears shared, and everything else you know?

I get a Johnny Test sort of feeling. "I didn't see that coming". Doesn't seem that it was meant to be as deep as I took it, but people have been passing away here quite frequently recently. Violence and whatnot, so the title is what attracted me to it beyond anything else really. Twisted stuff really, but some of the best written pieces were dark or sick or something similar in one way, shape or form.

I might be the worst person to review poetry or the best because most of it goes over my head. I'm so literal. Given that you did evoke an emotional response from me - surprise.

When I got to the end of your work I wondered if you write for a poetic murderer or of a nostalgic, depressed egoist. I'll go with the second because, frankly, what's to say about the first except uh...who cares, arrest the fool and be done.

I will comment line by line for a stanza:
'Happiness disappeared,' - poetic but memories are part of our past and potentially happiness. The fool 'buried' them. Go dig those suckers up and get on with life and quit complaining.

'Drowning in acid.' - puke? Is this supposed to evoke a scene in my head? Fail - unless you are referring to the scene in the Bat Man movie where the Joker falls in acid but somehow I doubt that is it.

'It all meant nothing,' - what means nothing? Happiness? Acid? Drowning? The song? The swan? Like I said, I'm literal.

'Cheap like plastic.' - exactly what kind of plastic is cheap to you? Not Tupperware. That shit is expensive!

So overall, you got a response from me. Was it the one you wanted? Only you can say if you were successful. Thanks for the submission.

*Choke. If I were five i'd throw up. (That's not a put-down.)

Wow, what a way to go. Forgive me if I got the wrong idea, but is this person a child murderer?
"Smells like Death" to me.

One thing I have to say, what does this have to do with a requiem? Is this profession just a mask this person puts on to hide himself from the public? I'm rambling . Great story, I must see more

Whoa, what a poem! The last stanza really blew me away: "Soon I'll be arrested..." because I thought of it as a literal arrest... as in the one by the police. The tone is semi-solemn, semi- powerful at the same time. For instance, one can feel saddened by the fact that the mention of memories being buried in the yard and that these memories were happy memories. But on the other hand, one can think about how these happy memories were gained-- in a way that can be considered good or in a way that can be considered bad. It's like joking with a friend about your own silliness can be considered good, while joking with a friend about someone else about something they cannot control can be considered bad. The latter sort of speaks to the "all meant nothing/cheap like plastic" bit.

Like I said before, the last stanza blew me away. The twist on words and making the reader think it was going to say something else really made me think about this. That was awesome! You really used the words "arrested" and "murder" to your advantage. Nice!

This is a coolio poem, yo. Great!

This is just amazing. Really just wow. I have no words.

Honestly, I wish there was more. It's great the way it is, but I think that expanding on some of the ideas you mentioned would emphasize you thoughts more. (Mostly, I just liked it and wanted to read more about it.)

--Grey.