Hey Briky
It's been a while hey? You might not remember this but I did say that I'd like to return the favour and try to review your works. Well, surprise!
So...
or rather, a smile
Gasp! I love this as a signal! :3 it’s totally original and totally makes sense because it’s very discreet and a natural movement too. I think it’s really smart.
pulls a ski mask over his head
A bit too late don’t you think? I get why they didn’t do this beforehand but what’s the point now? Wouldn't heaps of people or at least the cameras already seen their faces? Is it that they’re doing it to see more intimidating maybe? Just curious
threatening them to lie
I reckon you could use this spot to add a bit more tension. If you showed as the robbers threatening the crowed (Geddown or I’ll shoot ya XD ) it would add a bit more action and vocality to the story. Also at the moment it just seems really passive compared to the moving action you've been giving us so far.
The mustached man
I don’t know why but this just keeps making me chuckle. I have nothing against staches.
leave the bank without suspicion
It could be me just being slow, but I seem to find this statement slightly ambiguous. Are they not suspicious of the police waiting for them or do they think that no one suspects them?
large barrage
I feel that “large” here is a bit of a redundant adjective. From the word barrage we can already get a sense of the size of the force waiting for them. I think it also becomes a little wordy too.
As they take cover
Behind what? I’m loving how you convey the action. The movement goes at a great place, I can see everything and the sense of urgency comes across. I think you just need a little more specificity in some places. Like here.
Steve Stevens
Oh come on.
cannot advance on the three men
Again this could be me being slow but… why? Haven’t they left the hostages alone? What is their leverage at the moment holding the police at bay? Or maybe they brought a bazooka or something?
Is this Spider-Man
Oh this is getting good.
He walked... towards the eastern window.
XD I thought he was so mad he was going to jump out of frustration.
neighbor Jeff
It was only a matter of time, no?
If you can name the film
Wait. So was the smiling thing your idea or not? If not pass on my appreciation to the screenwriter.
Some overall comments
I'll be honest and say that I got sucked in. I actually thought this was going to be a legit bank robbery story and WHAM you throw Spidey at me. 0.0 In saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this and thought it was funny XD. You have this ability to throw readers out of whack - despite your constant recycling of characters (Jeff derr) and the constant reappearance of spiderman, bird or pig - by sliding in these quirky, random things.
When I first read this it struck me how much like a script this reads, especially the opening scene. The use of the present tense. The way you do the descriptions, setting of the scene and action all added to it's script like quality. I like this, I think it's quite effective especially for a scene like the beginning and especially now knowing that it was based off a movie I can see why you would have chosen this style.
Anyway, I really liked this and hope to get onto more of your works (at some point...). I also hope this kinda helped? I'm not the best at reviewing comedies XP
See you
Snowery (AKA Sliverlock)
Points: 20262
Reviews: 301
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