z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Amazing...

by birk


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

The Golden Apple bank depository was neatly situated between a pharmacy and a large apartment complex. Straight across the busy two lane street there were several more apartment rows, all of them reaching high into the sky.

The streets themselves were fully stocked in all lanes, which is to be expected in the crowded downtown area of the large metropolis. However, traffic would soon loosen up now that today’s midday rush hour had almost passed.

Inside the bank, the situation was pretty similar. Long lines stood before several counters and despite each of customers requiring an adequate amount of time for their errands, people were more or less leaving and arriving at a quick pace as there were a good number of counters open on this busy Monday.

Soon enough, a business suit clad man entered through the large glass doors. He proceeded to walk into the main hall, only to stop beside a large column where he would remain for a few minutes, overlooking the hall, past all the desk, the long lines by the counters and all the way back to the massive windows also framed by large columns.

The man looks to be in his late forties, maybe early fifties and he’s sporting a mustache. As he inspects the hall and takes note on where all the guards are, another man walks past him and they quickly glance at each other.

This other man is much younger, has long blonde hair and is wearing a lighter colored grey suit. He walks down past the desk and positions himself at the end of one of the long counter lines. Seconds later, he clutches hard on the briefcase in his right hand as he watched a third man pass by him.

Also wearing a grey suit, this third man is a bit older again, maybe around the same age as the man with the mustache, though his face is rougher and he has very short hair. He walks down to the very end of the hall, close to the windows, where he stops at the end of the last line. He is wearing dark gloves and carries a paper with him.

The short haired man then takes a quick look behind him, at the security guard inspecting a clipboard. Moments later, he turns his attention to the mustached man and gives him a signal, or rather, a smile.

As he receives this smile, the mustached man pulls a ski mask over his head and retrieves an assault rifle from within his suit.

Simultaneous to this, the short haired man also puts on a ski mask before taking down the guard right behind him, and the blonde man puts down his briefcase and punches another guard nearby. Both these guards then get their hands tied with strips as a third guard is held on gunpoint by the armed robber. The two others then retrieve weapons of their own before gathering all of the people in the bank in one place and threatening them to lie face down of the floor.

“Keys!” One of them shouts to another, as he throws a pair he just retrieved to the blonde man.

The mustached man has climbed on top of the counter and begins talking to the panicky, chaotic crowd. “We want to hurt no one; we’re here for the bank’s money, not your money. Your money is insured by the federal government; you’re not going to lose a dime. Think of your life, your family; don’t try to be a hero.”

The crowds of people were silent, though as the man jumped from the counter and violently retrieved a second key from the manager, several screams and shouts emerged again.

He hands the key over to the blonde man who in turn sprints into the vault, locking himself through two thick metal doors. Meanwhile, the other men keep watch over the victims.

A couple of minutes go by before he returns. Three bags are distributed between the men and they run for the exit where they remove their masks and proceed to leave the bank without suspicion.

Outside however, a large barrage of police is waiting for them. As they take cover, a firefight ensues.

Among the police force is veteran police Captain Steve Stevens, and as they cannot advance on the three men, he decides to make a phone call.

He quickly brings up his phone from behind cover of a car and shuffles through the contact list. Eventually he finds the number and the call goes through.

“Hello! Is this Spider-Man?!” the Captain yells into his cellphone.

“What?” A voice asks in the other end.

“Am I talking to Spider-Man?! We have an armed robbery going on downtown and we need his help!” Stevens continued yelling.

On the other end, the man was audibly irritated; “No! I am not Spider-Man! For the last time, my name is Phil Spiderman and I’m not a masked superhero!”

The police Captain was still not giving up. “Please Spider-Man; we’re sorry we tried to arrest you. That was stupid.” He pleaded.

Phil’s palm was now firmly planted in his face and he couldn’t believe this was happening yet again. “Okay, listen closely to me: I am not Spider-Man. My name is Phil, and yes, my last name is Spiderman, but I am not THE Spider-Man. I sell insurance and I’m just a regular guy trying to go about my business.” He walked through his apartment towards the eastern window.

“Wait.” He continued.

Looking through the window, he could see a large police force outside, currently involved in a heavy gunfight. Among the cars, he saw a man talking in a phone.

“Yeah, I can see you from my apartment. You are hunkered down behind a car.” He explained to the man, who was clearly not getting the message.

Outside, Steve Stevens looked around for Spider-Man, not finding him. “I can’t see you.”

“No, not outside, swinging on webs or whatever, I said I’m looking at you from my apartment window.” Phil considered if this man might have a slight retardation, but they wouldn’t enforce a man like that in the police, right?

Though he wasn’t, it would seem that he wasn’t all there, because as he found Phil among the windows, he inquired; “Why aren’t you wearing the costume?”

“I’M NOT FUCKING SPIDER-MAN!!” Phil yelled into the phone before slamming it in the wall.

On the other line, now cut off, Steve was bewildered. “Alright… geez.”

In Phil Spiderman’s apartment, there was a knocking on the door. As he opened the door, his next door neighbor Jeff asked him what was going on.

Taking a moment to let what he was now looking at sink in, Phil blew a fuse.

“Jeff, take off that damn rhino costume! I’m done with this bullshit!” He screamed as he slammed the door in Jeff’s face.

Author’s note

If you can name the film where the opening scene is from, you get extra points! (Imaginary points)


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Fri Apr 17, 2015 3:52 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Hey Briky :)

It's been a while hey? You might not remember this but I did say that I'd like to return the favour and try to review your works. Well, surprise!

So...

or rather, a smile


Gasp! I love this as a signal! :3 it’s totally original and totally makes sense because it’s very discreet and a natural movement too. I think it’s really smart.

pulls a ski mask over his head


A bit too late don’t you think? I get why they didn’t do this beforehand but what’s the point now? Wouldn't heaps of people or at least the cameras already seen their faces? Is it that they’re doing it to see more intimidating maybe? Just curious :)

threatening them to lie


I reckon you could use this spot to add a bit more tension. If you showed as the robbers threatening the crowed (Geddown or I’ll shoot ya ;) XD ) it would add a bit more action and vocality to the story. Also at the moment it just seems really passive compared to the moving action you've been giving us so far.

The mustached man


I don’t know why but this just keeps making me chuckle. I have nothing against staches.

leave the bank without suspicion


It could be me just being slow, but I seem to find this statement slightly ambiguous. Are they not suspicious of the police waiting for them or do they think that no one suspects them?

large barrage


I feel that “large” here is a bit of a redundant adjective. From the word barrage we can already get a sense of the size of the force waiting for them. I think it also becomes a little wordy too.

As they take cover


Behind what? I’m loving how you convey the action. The movement goes at a great place, I can see everything and the sense of urgency comes across. I think you just need a little more specificity in some places. Like here.

Steve Stevens


Oh come on.

cannot advance on the three men


Again this could be me being slow but… why? Haven’t they left the hostages alone? What is their leverage at the moment holding the police at bay? Or maybe they brought a bazooka or something?

Is this Spider-Man


Oh this is getting good.

He walked... towards the eastern window.


XD I thought he was so mad he was going to jump out of frustration.

neighbor Jeff


It was only a matter of time, no?

If you can name the film


Wait. So was the smiling thing your idea or not? If not pass on my appreciation to the screenwriter.

Some overall comments

I'll be honest and say that I got sucked in. I actually thought this was going to be a legit bank robbery story and WHAM you throw Spidey at me. 0.0 In saying that I thoroughly enjoyed this and thought it was funny XD. You have this ability to throw readers out of whack - despite your constant recycling of characters (Jeff derr) and the constant reappearance of spiderman, bird or pig - by sliding in these quirky, random things.

When I first read this it struck me how much like a script this reads, especially the opening scene. The use of the present tense. The way you do the descriptions, setting of the scene and action all added to it's script like quality. I like this, I think it's quite effective especially for a scene like the beginning and especially now knowing that it was based off a movie I can see why you would have chosen this style.

Anyway, I really liked this and hope to get onto more of your works (at some point...). I also hope this kinda helped? I'm not the best at reviewing comedies XP

See you :)

Snowery (AKA Sliverlock)




Snowery says...


Just realised I wrote Briky instead of Birky, hehehe XD



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Sat Mar 08, 2014 7:22 am
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Iggy wrote a review...



*waves* Hi! Let me see if I can guess the name of the film at the end of this review, since I review as I read. Hmmm..

Anyways, let's start with the nitpicks:

Straight across the busy two lane street there were several more apartment rows,


You can cut that striked-out word. It's not necessary.


And wow, nitpicks are over. Also, no, I have no idea what the film is. xD

Anyways, onto the story review!

So this, I see, is meant to poke fun at Spiderman! And it is honestly pretty funny so far. I'm enjoying it! I think it's a bit odd that a man has the last name "Spiderman," but hey, it's fiction for a reason, eh?

Seeing as how everyone assumes Phil is Spiderman and his friend Jeff is dressed like a rhino, I can only imagine what the three burglars in the bank will cook up. Unless you have nothing planned, since they seemed pretty normal. Well, I hope you have a good reason for not making them weird!

Overall, I like this so far and would love to keep up with this. It's good so far! Let me know when chapter two is up. c:




birk says...


Thanks for the review Iggy!

The movie was the 1995 heist film "Heat". Noone of you got that ;)

Not going to continue this in any way, just another writing excercise. Just had the random thought of somebody being confused for Spiderman, so I wrote that around one of the best heist scenes ever.

Thanks again ;)



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Mon Feb 24, 2014 1:43 pm
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NerdBird wrote a review...



The Dark Knight? With ski masks not clown masks?

Hi! Nerd Bird here for a review! :)

Love the banter in the dialogue! The idiocy of the police chief reminds me of the idiocy of Jonah Jameson!...geez I hate that guy.

I only have a few nitpicks, which mainly involve repetition, in the beginning you use 'lane' a lot over the first few paragraphs, its noticeable as they are short^^

--pick up a few typos around where you are describing the bank robbers

The ending is classic :D
love it!




birk says...


Thanks for the review Smartypants!

You guessed the wrong movie though. ;)




More than anything she wanted the world to be uncomplicated, for right and wrong to be as easily divided as the black and white sections of an Oreo. But the world was not a cookie.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Tree of Wishes