Hey GreenTulip, ZLYF here for Review Day as well as the Poetry Exchange.
This is a really great piece of sad poetry, I must say.
Ok first off, I don’t have any problems with the structure, I think the breaks were all made really well.
I like how you put song into a poem, as you did twice with :
“Let us pick up the innocent,
On the wings of an angel.
Let the shade of our wings be the
Saving grace they need.
Forever shall they be protected,
On the wings of an angel.
Today we say goodbye,
Only on Earthly grounds it means.
We are never truly gone.”
In terms of verses I didn’t like, the following:
“The parents stop and listen,
As they watch their baby girl
Fade so far away,
Forever out of reach.”
It seems forced, especially the third line. I would suggest using another image to describe this.
The following too does not really fit:
‘Frantic and angered eyes looked up from their dying daughter,
To the man that caused her pain.
"I can't hang on no more Mama,"’
She’s angry at the man, sure, but I think the sudden switch from addressing the parents to staring at the man back to addressing the parents is a little too fast. Also what of the reactions of the parents? This looks to be from the Parents POV, so try to add something like an attack on the man by the MCs.
This poem really brings home the point of death and its grief, and I really like the way you bring it across.
Keep it up!
Points: 2296
Reviews: 133
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