z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Crimson Are My Fangs

by CuriosityCat


I have always loved the kill.

It's because I am an animal, I guess. Because the stench of fear, the snarling of the wind in my ears as I flush the prey out of hiding, makes my now cold heart leap. I feel perfect, and honest to my nature only when my legs are pumping like pistons, my feet smacking the ground and rising again at unreal speed, running and out-running.

It won't escape. I've waited far too long for a meal. I love tackling it furiously. But each of my victims are never surprised. We both knew from the beginning that it was doomed. The dancers change, but the song remains the same, night after night. They never once had a chance, and each victim knew it.

And more than anything, I relish my glistening canines puncturing the skin, ripping through the flesh. Terror fills its last emotion. Horror smothers its last shrill cry. The creature struggles once, twice, falls to the ground, unable to keep fighting. I wait for it to get its breathing steady, weakened by shock. I need it to be still, so I can focus. I feel around with my icy-cold finger over its soft, warm neck for the right vein to sever, then whip back my head and let the last thing it sees, through blurry eyes, be my fangs in the moonlight. Then I end it all in one swift BITE. The bone snaps as the neck breaks. It lies there, streaming rivulets of blood in the winter evening. No time to waste, I think. I can't let all the gore flow away. Still, I pause despite myself, and observe it curiously if only for a second. As I watch, though, I don't mourn another life gone from this plane of existence. No, instead I smile weakly and unfeelingly. Then, too hungry to pause any longer, I cradle its head in my pale hand, crane my neck, and I begin to drink from the dead. I absorb its life, and it's feelings. It is just another human, another one to die by my hand. It's life is insignificant, it is nothing but food.

Crimson are my fangs.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
25 Reviews


Points: 250
Reviews: 25

Donate
Tue Apr 01, 2014 7:10 pm
LacyRayne wrote a review...



Hey there! Lacy here to review(:

First of all, I love that you wrote about vampires, I'm a big fan!

What I really love love loved about this piece is how descriptive you were! Not a lot of people can be so good with description! I found little mistakes but the one that popped out to me the most was "But each my prey is never surprised". Im not sure what you are trying to say here, but i think its just a matter of adding another word to make it fit together.

Two things that I noticed that made me really jealous. I wish I could write as good as this! "The dancers change, but the song remains the same, night after night." And also, "Terror fills its last emotion." I absolutely loved these two lines!

Overall this piece was magnificent and I'm so glad I came across it! Keep writing, you are amazing!




CuriosityCat says...


Awww, thanks! I kind of feel weird that this is getting so much attention and stuff%u2026 (*cheeks turn so red people run over and ask if having heat stroke*) Thank everyone for being so nice and awesome!



User avatar
46 Reviews


Points: 467
Reviews: 46

Donate
Sun Mar 30, 2014 3:04 pm
Astronaut wrote a review...



Hello! Dominusatramentum here!

First of all, awesome description. I've been waiting to read about some vampires that don't sparkle in the sunlight.

What I liked the most is how you referred to the person. You called it a creature, a thing.

One thing is the title. It's not how it's written, it's written wonderfully, but it's also your last line. And using it as the title, telling you the most important line before you even read the story is kind of anticlimactic.

A few nitpicks:

"Terror fills it’s last emotion. Horror smothers it’s last shrill cry." Every "it's" should be changed to "its." If you can replace the word with "it is," then write "it's." If not, write "its."

"I love tackling it furiously; but my prey is never surprised." So each person is never surprised that vampires are actually real, and that they are being chased by one?

Hope this helped!

-Dominusatramentum




CuriosityCat says...


Ah, grammar. I swear, it's my Lex Luthor. Anyway, thanks for the review! I appreciate it! I'll attempt at helping the ending make a little more sense. : P


~CuriosityCat





Welcome!

:D



CuriosityCat says...


And with the sparkling%u2026 aren't they supposed to melt? What the heck is that about?!





Twilight ruined vampires forever. Sigh.



CuriosityCat says...


Oh, and have you ever thought of this:

"Oh, the idea for Twilight came to me in a dream."
~Stephenie Meyer
"It does not pay to dwell on dreams, Harry."
~Dumbledore

DUMBLEDORE HAS FREAKIN' SPOKEN!!!!





I know :D Stephanie Myers should have listened to him.



User avatar
317 Reviews


Points: 20
Reviews: 317

Donate
Sun Mar 30, 2014 12:22 am
lostthought wrote a review...



Yes! I got this! Ok, since I claimed this piece, let's review it, shall we?

Nitpicks-

1) ok, this may seem weird, but it's and its are pretty different. I know that apostrophe s usually means possession but in this case, it doesn't. Don't ask me why. So-

Terror fills its last emotion.


2) If you have a semi colon, you don't need to put a fan boy there (F.A.N.B.O.Y for.and.nor.but.or.yet) So let's fix this sentence
I love tackling it furiously; but my prey is never surprised.


Take out the but and you should be good.

Let's move on to a nice part of the review. I am not usually a fan of the modern day vampires (Romance, Eww, what happened to the blood sucking monsters we all know and love?) But this is ok and quite good. You bring back the monsters we love by portraying how you detail the kill.

How do you drink blood from a shredded neck? Do you lick the neck as the blood drips down? Also, at first I thought you were eating a bunny. I'm not sure why though.

Keep writing and welcome to YWS!

-lost




CuriosityCat says...


Thanks for the welcome! (*blushes and smiles happily*)
Oh, and I definitely agree about these romanticized vamps we have to put up with. They're scarier than Dracula could hope to be!
And don't worry, the criticism is not wasted! I shall edit it forthwith!

; )
~Curiosity(killed the)Cat



CuriosityCat says...


And also, I just wanted to say; poor hypothetical bunny!!



User avatar
933 Reviews


Points: 4261
Reviews: 933

Donate
Fri Mar 28, 2014 9:55 pm
Iggy wrote a review...



Hello again! Your summary totally drew me in, so here I am to review.

Terror fills it’s last emotion. Horror smothers it’s last shrill cry.


Neither of the bolded should have an apostrophe. You appear to not know the difference between it's and its, so read this article and fix all the mistakes. :)

The creature struggles once, twice, then falls limp.


Add in bolded word.

It lies steaming in the winter evening.


I think you mean streaming, yes?


Alright, so first off, very nice imagery! That was clearly your strongest factor, since every sentence was laced with at least one tidbit of descriptive details.

I think you did a great job with portraying the vampire and the monster it is. The kill you've described is something I can see happening. I like how you've highlighted that the vampire is inhuman and cold-hearted and does not care about humans nor its victims. You did a good job of showing the vampire as a monster as it slaughters this human ruthlessly and drinks the blood.

I do find it a bit odd that the vampire pauses to observe as the human dies. You did say it was hungry and bloodthirsty, yet he stops to watch as the human's life leaves? I can understand if it was killing for fun, but this time looks like its killing to feed, so I doubt it would pause and wait, instead of latching onto the torn skin and drinking. And I say torn skin, because you didn't make it clear what the vampire was ripping through. The neck, I assume, but then after the human dies, he bites the neck, yet the neck was shredded? See how confusing it looks? Make it clearer.

Overall, this was very nicely done, and a pleasure to read. ^^




CuriosityCat says...


You guys are gonna make my head blow up. You're so nice! X D
I guess the end was a little unclear, so i'll try to fix that.

Honestly, I really didn't think anyone would read this, so it's a nice surprise.

Thanks for the review!
~CuriosityCat

P.S.: And yeah, if I do say so myself, I did a pretty good job on the summary. ; )



CuriosityCat says...


Oh, and the article is fantastic! I'm definitely going to bookmark that!



User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 3486
Reviews: 212

Donate
Fri Mar 28, 2014 3:10 pm
TheCrimsonLady says...



I absolutely love this short story. Your descriptions are amazing, and I could picture each thing so clearly! I would suggest adding some plot, though. It kind of started to bore me towards the end!

There weren't any grammar issues that I found


Keep persisting

Aurora!




CuriosityCat says...


Thanks! I'll try to do this. And, it's OK, I really don't mind criticism, as long as it isn't super mean. : )




You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.
— J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan