[This is for Griffinclaw's Picture Prompt contest, since I can’t seem to upload my picture, here is the link. I haven't written short stories for a long time, so here goes my first attempt..]
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=404&t=99151&start=75 ]
Are you, are you?
Coming?
Where we once soar high, with hopes and dreams?
In the morrow of a winter’s night. With the smell of decaying mind that trembles like a child in fright, amidst four white walls, begins our story.
The patients of this particular asylum remembered that year vividly, for in the dim lights of a new dawn. A girl and a boy would come meet together by the third wing, in that small room where they house the dying and the dead.
They were a strange pair, for they would not talk but merely sit for hours on end. Unmoving, as they stare through the tiny window that revealed a precious patch of blue sky, or sometimes, sky the colour of girl’s hair. Rolling hills of tattered raven hair that danced in a skeletal rhythm in the morning air.
Sometimes, the sky would be colour of the boy’s hair. A soft, lemony yellow tinged with wisps of gold, so gold it seems almost white. On those days, the two would silently join their pale hands together and the shadow of a smile would cross their lips.
Are you, are you?
Coming?
Where we once pick roses, from the coral clouds?
‘Sometimes’ said one of the patients that watched them from his cell, ‘they would bring sheets of used toilet paper and draw on them, with their blood.’
As the cold merged into a suffocating blanket of heat, the two would sit, in the wee hours of morning. With a knife that gleamed silver in the pale scarlet light, and drops of crimson would appear on paper the colour of pus.
Those drops form
Two crosses
Those drops form
Into ropes of blood-red ringlets
Those drops form
The prelude of a raging storm
Are you, are you?
Coming?
Where we once sealed a promise, in blood and bones?
So that we would be free in the ketchup clouds?
Before the reign of the moon would be over, in the autumn that followed the heat. The two, would paint side by side, transforming the white walls into a canvas of ketchup clouds and pavement earth. They continued it, for the entire autumn and when winter came, and the boy didn’t come.
That day was as dark as the girl’s hair, the clouds howled with anger and stormed the sky. Jagged lightning shattered the sky into a million broken shards of sable ink, which flooded the room in a sea of despair.
The rumours flew, that the boy found another girl. One with kaleidoscope wings and gossamer hair, but the truth was never told. For the boy never returned, and nor was he seen anywhere else.
The next morning, for the first time in years, snowflakes fell out of sky in crystalline crystals. They landed gently on the girl’s raven hair, her pale, skeletal hands and on the tip of her tongue adjoined with a knife gleaming with ketchup clouds.
Are you, are you?
Coming?
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Wow, Subtle! This is fantastic, seriously. Like a poem made into a story. O.O Wow, wow, wow. I knew you could do it! This is amazing... *faints*
Don't faint! *runs over clumsily and catches you* Thanks!
This is realllllly great. Geez girl!
Wow, Subtle, this piece was haunting! I loved all the description; it was poetic, but not info-dumpy. The plot was short and simple and the prompt is one that, of course, we've all heard before, but you put a cool twist on it, to keep things fresh. Nice job! I have to say that your characters, though they weren't developed a whole lot, didn't really need to be. This short story was haunting, it pulled at the heartstrings, though it was short. Short and simple, simple and sweet: that's how all it needs to be, to be great! I can't find any major flaws, not even a typo. That makes me very happy, because it means that you put the effort into this to edit and read for grammatical errors; I hate it when I come across a piece that has typos because it hasn't been edited. I think we're all guilty of that, but I still hate it. So great job, and as always, keep writing!
Thanks lad, I appreciate it. Glad ya liked it.
Hi subtle! ZLYF here to give a review for review day. This is a really good piece you have here. I can see why you're the featured member!
I have a few nitpicks to squabble with this piece, they are of no great significance, but I feel these suggestions can improve the story.
...Unmoving, as they stare through the tiny window that revealed a precious patch of blue sky, or sometimes, sky the colour of girl’s hair....
I would suggest removing "as" and using "would" after "they." This looks better to me.
...Sometimes, the sky would be colour of the boy’s hair....
"The" is best placed before "color."
...said one of the patients that watched them from his cell,...
I prefer seeing "who had" instead of "that" here. What do you think?
...For the boy never returned, and nor was he seen anywhere else....
Dispense with the "and." I think it's redundant.
I love the way you mix poetry into this piece. It's absolutely brilliant!
Keep writing!!!
Thank you, really. No, seriously. Thank you.
Messenger here for you!
Get rid of the comma there .It isn't necessary. There wee a couple others places where I may have switched some words but nothing that was an actual error.
Oh.My.Word. I had no idea you could write so beautifully Subtle! I mean the descriptions and imagery and colorful vibrancy of the story is so gorgeous. One of the most pretty stories I have ever anywhere, let alone on YWS.
So the story was an interesting take on romance. I mean I think it's romance, I don't know of anything else it could be. But it was really cool. Really weird too, but since it was an asylum I suppose that makes sense. However, I didn't get the point of the story. Or the ending. And the "ketchup clouds" title was both eye-catching and strange. Overall a really pretty story.
Keep it up!
Thanks Mess, oh. Yeah, because I had to write according to a picture...the content probably doesn't make sense on its own.
As far as the template of the short story I thought it was very good. some of the best short stories are mysterious and/or dark and creepy, with a sharp twist of an ending. Your vocabulary is very beautiful, and the words betwixt the sentences flowed gracefully together. All the breaks between the small paragraphs and everything dramatically increased suspense, as did the italics. I did not like the story that much, but that is just my personal taste, because it is simply wonderfully written, and very intriguing. I think you make a very good short story overall.
Ah, thank you for your review. Why didn't you like it? I'm just curious...I couldn't attach the picture. I had to write according to the picture...I guess I'm not that good at picture writing. Still, thank you for your kind words.
Simply it seemed very dark, and that was most likely your intention so you succeeded in capturing the mood. I just didn't like the story. But I did realize your talent was sharp. Lots of people would go absolutely bonkers over this piece; The story just did not light my personal fire.
Ah, I see. Thank you. Every has their own cup of tea, perfectly understood.