"When was the first time you fell in love?" He asked suddenly, swirling the straw against the hapless ice melting at the bottom of his drink.
"First time, in love?" I parroted him uncertainly, why did he ask this?
"Just curious." He smiled lightly at me, nonchalant, "is alright if you don't want to tell."
"No, is alright. I've wanted to tell someone this for a while now." I stirred the half-sluiced smoothie, the ice cubes clinking melodically against the cool glass. Pondering where to start.
*
"The year was 2003, or 2002. I can't remember the exact year now, the years of my childhood all contained the same vanilla taste and merged into a single white line without any particular highlights. I suppose up until that point, I was too young to understand what love was.
This occurred in our old house, built in Queen Anne's era. It was a handsome house, and its interior were just as elegant as its exterior. We, of course had no taste for all this eloquence it was the doors that attracted us. The house had a ridiculous amount of doors, and we used to open and close them. Especially with one door, it was one of those doors where the knob on either side could twist both ways. We had bee-
"Excuse me for interrupting, but who's we?" He asked sheepishly.
"Ah, I'm sorry. I should have said, my cousin, whom was a year older than me."
"Your cousin?" His eyes could not hide the surprise, "was it a he or she?"
"A he." I smiled.
"Oh."
I waited for his thoughts to recollect itself and continued, "had been playing for several years now. Not as cousins or equals, regardless of gender and age. We played as two children who seek companionship. And played we did, we found the joy and adventure that children needed. A sense of pure mateship slowly blossomed between us and it was a special chemistry that could not be reciprocated at any other time. Under the spell, we spent our days roaming the isolated paths, swinging upon tall trees. We left behind a trail of mirth and memories, so pure and crystalline it shone in the midday sun like gemstones.
But everything changed on my eighth birthday, that year a second-hand bookshop opened down the road where I'd spent many of my fore coming days in the musky dim-lit shop. The leaves turned an unanimous shade of gold, and he stepped over the threshold from being child to adult and I was left, all alone.
His father died to an unpredictable cardiac arrest, his mother sank into the wells of depression and measured our her days in tequila shots and whiskey. That autumn, his brows were often interlocked tightly, his lips drawn tight and down, and his eyes slowly lost that vitality that used to burn and seep out from him. Instead, the monotonous beat of every day life seized him violently.
"Rin, who am I?" We'd often go into our old routes and but he'd talk with the mannerism of an adult, his tone heavy with worry and weighted down by sighs.
"You're my friend, my bestest friend." I would reply back sincerely, "and no one can take that away. And you're brave, and you're funny and you're also stupid!"
"Stupid?" He would turn around with a hint of his old smile playing round his lips, "did you just call me stupid?"
"Hmmm! But in the best way." I would grin at him before nodding my head.
On days when he's in a good mood, an inkling of what used to be in him would be shown as we race down the street or in the ripples on the lake as I watched him skip stones. A child's joy etched on his face for the entire world to see. On others, his face as blank as the vast blue sky.
Our encounters diminished by the days, the familiarity fades like paper left in the sun. He is still ever so supporting, but he carries with him the mannerism of an adult and all the fragments of the living world. The boundaries between our worlds were blurred but decisive, and there was nothing I could do.
Nothing, but to watch on an empty lawn and wonder how the tables have turned so quickly.
That year as we celebrated his tenth birthday in our old little alcove by the river, with the few packets of cookies and chips I managed to steal from the pantry. I gave him a small dice that we've used for many games. On its white plastic surface, inscribed. 'Roll the dice; take a step towards your heart.'
I believed he still has it to this day."
*
'How are you and your cousin now?" He asked after a considerable amount of time, fingers forming a steeple in which he rested his chin upon.
"We live in different countries and have never spoken to each other for almost a decade."
His eyes widened in surprise and she could read the questions in his eyes. She smiled, for the flame flickered out a second later. The question she could see, has already been answered.
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140,714 Literary Works • 673,675 Reviews
The opening paragraph does a simple job in establishing to the audience of the premise of this piece, but I feel as though more detail of the present scene would be beneficial. So for example, they are in a cafe, but can you show more of their surroundings of this cafe, and under what context are they meeting up for.
I also think that using a sudden time break to the past makes this seem pretty rushed. Would have liked to see the conversation between the two characters naturally take them to the protagonist talking about his past.
Needs more detail here too. If you've ever been to an old home before, the first few things you should notice is the old musky smell, the cozy rooms, the wallpaper etc. Also, what was the state of the house, and what furniture and possessions did it housed? What a person owns tells a lot about their character and lifestyle. A home filled with antiques, furniture made out of exotic wood, beds made nicely etc could imply the family is wealthy, neat and organized, has a sense of class etc.
Overall impressions:
So I won't be saying too much in this review, because I feel there isn't enough details in this piece for me to give an actually detailed review.
So yea, as you've probably figured out, there's a lot of missing details in this piece for me to make out an overall feel or theme(s) to this. Firstly is the lack of characterization. We don't actually know who these characters are. The opening scene doesn't explain as to why these people are meeting or who they are. All it does is that it shows the trigger of the flashback to the past (which is a good trigger btw, the question of whether someone has loved before or not is a good question to ask).
The flashback also suffers from the same problem. So I've already talked about the house stuff ( I mean come on, if a family has an old house in their possession, I would think it would say a lot about them) but the rest of the flashback was just rushed exposition which fails to create a concrete image of what their childhood was like. You need to be more specific here, because what you have right now is too general for me to get enough insight on what their lives were like. The key is picking key moments in their childhood which defined their friendship and showing more of the interactions between them.
The second is this. So the idea you are trying to go for here is that of first love. The thing is this: I don't think kids would of experienced something like love (let alone comprehend it) until they are more into their teenage years. I think during their childhood years, they are more into just playing around and stuff than be caught up in the whole love business. So I think you should put more focus on their teenage years than when they are kids.
So that's all I'm really going to say. Yea it's shorter than usual, but I just don't have much to say about this.
Andy.
Hello Flite!
I really liked this, but I couldn't think of what question he had asked. I couldn't find any errors in here, good job, not that I looked very hard XD. I really liked the sentiment, a childhood companion, but adulthood stole that away from you. That's the one thing, I hope I never lose, a companion. Do you have any other stories like this? If so, I am interested in reading them.
~Kelpies.
Hey Kepies, thanks for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed it, hmmm..the only other one I could think of is Let our sorrow bleed. Is a bit different, but go check it out if you like.
Timmy here!
I have had this page open for a day now, wanting to write a review for it and not finding the time. Now I get to it. Let's see what I can dig up, if I can find anything. This piece is lovely.
I thought the idea behind this piece was so wonderful, and that it was more than just "the first time in love". To me, it was like a small example - like the title states. One more thing we do when we're young, doing something that older people do (I mean, do girls really like guys when they're seven? Nah, it's just copying what others do). We all want to grow up so badly, look ahead instead of watching where our feet fall. Like you said so perfectly, Please Wait, Don't Grow Up Yet. That line is amazing, perfect, and says so much to me.
So there is something you do quite often in your piece, when doing dialogue, is using adverbs. Now some people use them quite often (I find myself doing that quite often, as well), but they are so easily overused, and in this case they are. I mean, let's look at this for just a moment: When you write something, you want to say it in the tightest way possible, without ay extraneous stuff, right? So, instead of saying walked carefully, you could say tiptoed, and therefore make your writing neater and tighter - plus having a more concrete word to build off of. I hope that makes sense. Sometimes I have a tendency to ramble and not make much sense at all. xD
I think my only other nitpick I can think of on this piece is that I didn't like the transition between first and third person. I mean, you did a good job making the transition, but I didn't see the need for it at all. I mean, how does doing the first person in the one part make the story any different? To me, it took a second for my mind to do the flip and start reading it as first person, and even though you did the transition quite well, it wasn't good enough, because there didn't seem a point to change the person of the story. Because, quite honestly, it didn't add anything at all. Now I have begun rambling again and all, but I hope you see my point. If you can write it without the transition, then I would do it. Anything to avoid having your readers have to make the transition in their brain - which is hard, no mater how you slice it when they get into the story in an entirely different person than what it changes into.
Well, I think I have ran out of things to say. This was a short, short story, but I think it was the perfect length. A story someone told about their past, and you did a wonderful job creating the story. This had a wonderful arc in it - a beginning and end, along with a change in the character which completes it. To me, this is a model short story because it has all the elements they should have. And the style you write it with is very lovely, and an easy read but still very eloquent. So many of the things you say in it bear so much weight, too. In short, I think this was done beautifully.
Post more. I want to reaaaad more.
~Darth Timmyjake
Oh nooooooooooo, I did it again! >_> I keep switching from first to third without realizing it. Thank you so much for the points, Timmy. I will watch out for them. The problem with me writing it at different times is, I tend to slip between first and third. *slaps head*
absolutly stunning.... thats all i can say.... amazing job!
Thank you! Glad you liked it!
Hi,
I love this part!this is a beautifully designed piece. The images are beautiful .
With all that said, there isn't enough for me to love it yet. Here's why: It's almost trying too hard. It's missing some very fragile pieces.
There's too much dialogue in the beginning. I like how the story starts with dialogue, but there should be some leeway or hints as to these people's whereabouts in the shop. For instance, immediately after the first line, you could describe some sounds of the room these people are in. Or even the atmosphere. I can sort of feel that the atmosphere is calm through the dialogue, but that shouldn't be so. Describe the scene to us because it is just as important as the dialogue!
Despite my recent harping, however, I do believe that this next section shows promise because it's so simple.
"Everyday life" sounds very vague. what is "everyday life", what does it consist of? I'm sure you are referring to the stuff that's happening in his home but it's a little unclear and almost implied that everyday life means this is everyone's life. Try being more specific here.
Connections/Allusions:
Your main character says this,
I'm having sensory overload with this description, so much that I have no idea what you're talking about now. Are the vanilla and the white line supposed to be a reference to something? If so, make that clear. Why vanilla white lines rather than chocolate and dark lines? Is there a certain quality each flavor contains?
There are a few technical issues floating around in there, but I don't think they have as much weight as content issues so I won't point them out in this review.
One more thing that I want do want to point out is that you seem to have put a lot of effort into this piece, and I commend you for that. I want to say free to reject all of my ideas or to use them because after all, it is your writing.
Heyo, thanks for the review! I wouldn't say I put a lot of effort into it, I wrote it off something that happened to me. If anything, it was time. I kept coming back to it. Hmm, by everyday life I just mean daily life. I sort of assumed the readers would get it. but you're right, it is a bit vague.
Vanilla taste -> basically meaning it was all the same. But once again, good point. Probably too vague, I have a habit of doing that.
Hm, I wrote this to lack the fragile pieces because is meant to be pretty passive. But looking back on it, I see that those pieces are quite important as well. So thank you for mentioning them. I will watch out for it.!
You're welcome, and thanks for the explanation!
Hi,
I love this part!this is a beautifully designed piece. The images are beautiful .
With all that said, there isn't enough for me to love it yet. Here's why: It's almost trying too hard. It's missing some very fragile pieces.
There's too much dialogue in the beginning. I like how the story starts with dialogue, but there should be some leeway or hints as to these people's whereabouts in the shop. For instance, immediately after the first line, you could describe some sounds of the room these people are in. Or even the atmosphere. I can sort of feel that the atmosphere is calm through the dialogue, but that shouldn't be so. Describe the scene to us because it is just as important as the dialogue!
despite my recent harping, however, I do believe that this next section shows promise because it's so simple.
"Everyday life" sounds very vague. what is "everyday life", what does it consist of? I'm sure you are referring to the stuff that's happening in his home but it's a little unclear and almost implied that everyday life means this is everyone's life. Try being more specific here.
Connections/Allusions:
Your main character says this,
I'm having sensory overload with this description, so much that I have no idea what you're talking about now. Are the vanilla and the white line supposed to be a reference to something? the years of my childhood all contained the same vanilla taste and merged into a single white line without any particular highlights. If so, make that clear. Why vanilla white lines rather than chocolate and dark lines? Is there a certain quality each flavor contains?
There are a few technical issues floating around in there, but I don't think they have as much weight as content issues so I won't point them out in this review.
One more thing that I want do want to point out is that you seem to have put a lot of effort into this piece, and I commend you for that. I want to say free to reject all of my ideas or to use them because after all, it is your writing.
Rrgh, why didn't it mark as review!!!!
Crying with happiness. I don't know why this piece caused me bliss, but I don't mind. I loved it. I'm only 15 but I can relate to this in many ways. "Roll the dice; take a step towards you heart.">>> I love this line. Your craft is outstanding and beautifully written. Vocabulary is EXCELLENT! Please keep up the very great work, dear. I can't wait to attend your very first book signing, yes, it's in your future!
With love,
~j.rose
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it.