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Young Writers Society


12+

Fantasticas: The Boy And His Staff (CHAPTER 2)

by Roundsquare


Usually quiet the forest outside of Northern Stone was alive with the sound of hoofs and neighing horses. A grand chariot had been making its way through the forest for the past 4 days and after being exposed to mud and snow the chariot didn't appear so grand but it was still obvious it belonged to some Lord or lady from the city. 

The boy 

The forest outside the city of Nordingston frothed over with the sound of wheels, and hoofs as a grand quartet of shires, led an even grander carriage down a crooked bridle path. Three days of dense forest had left the carriage looking a little ordinary, but even underneath all the forest grime it still exuded a level of luxury. Cole, the boy in the driver's seat didn't have it any better. After braving rain, wind, mud, and even some snow from his unprotected driver's seat he was closer in resemblance to a wild boy than someone who'd just rode out of the the city.

The couple inside the warm safety of the carriage had of course no such worry. Hitherto, their greatest complaint had all to do with taut joints from being crammed into a box for long stretches of time. So, once in while they would order the boy to pull up where the forest was lighter, to stretch their legs, and even ease themselves while at it. The clean forest air provided a much welcomed change to the grime and crime infested streets of Uton.

It was a little passed noon on day four, and there still was no sign of the sun in the endless grey of the sky. Certainly this had to be the coldest day of the journey so far, and neither the thin livery, nor the scarf around the boy's face was able to keep him from freezing his ears and bum off. The leafy ground was still soaking up the rainfall from the previous day, and already the thunder was crackling above the canopy of trees. The pines along the muddy path swayed side-to-side as a cold draft quietly took them for a dance, meanwhile the carriage rumbled full speed ahead down the bridle path as it had been doing al morning long.

The hoofs of the horses leading the carriage and its wheels still were the only sounds the boy could hear. As if that wasn't strange enough, he was yet to sight a single animal--either lurking between the trees, or high up in their branches. At first it was just a passing observation, but now it gave him a sick feeling in his stomach. There was something very off about it all, about this forest. Try as he did, he couldn't make sense of it; it was too quiet.

He pinned his ears back and listened closely. Yes, that was his stomach. He was dying of hunger having blessed the ground with his last proper meal two days ago. He'd already resorted to thievery once, and ran the risk of getting caught if he kept on stealing from the couple. His belly didn't care about any of that as it growled away like a lion cub.

"Boy, my wife and I will be needing to stretch very soon, so find a place to park," a man commanded from the carriage.

"Yes sir, " Cole replied like a good little servant, although what he really meant to say was,"Get lost!".

"Idiots!" He seethed under his breath. They were the two most disagreeable souls under the sun, and there were quite a few foul people where he came from. More than once he'd considered riding away without them, but the kindness in his heart wouldn't let him. He lashed the horses in frustration, but felt awful afterwards. It wasn't their fault he was in this terrible spot, if anything they shared in his pain, since they too hadn't been fed in while.

"I'm sorry," he said to the horses that pressed forward, unaffected by his apology. How did he get into this mess? No, why did he get himself. into it?

At least his misery was drawing to an end--if the spire protruding above the forest was any indication. He had excitedly risen from his seat when he'd first noticed it. Back then it was barely a scratch on the sky. Now it was a full-blown structure with a well defined outline. Nordingston was beckoning.

The boy froze suddenly. He'd seen something--a flash--appear and vanish, behind a tree up ahead. There it was again! Behind a different tree now, and he was steering them right towards it. The boy threw himself backwards, taking the reins with him. As soon as the shires felt the tug around their thick and long necks, their feathery hooves dug deep into the ground. Neighing, and showing off their big yellow teeth, they stood their ground as only beasts of their power could. The carriage rose up on its front two wheels, like a toy-thing, behind them. The exaggerated screams of the two passengers shot through the forest. With a single heavy thud the carriage returned to the earth.

The forest was now as quiet as the sea after a storm. However, there was nothing calm or quiet, about the the boy's heart, which pounced like drum in his ears. He gawked ahead with full round eyes. It was a miracle that he was still in his seat after what had just happened. He wondered how the passengers were doing.

He looked around wide eyed for a bear to leap out. What he saw certainly had the right size and stature. Not that he was a bear expert or anything; he just knew that they were supposed to be big, and that whatever that was, it had looked pretty big. He peeled his eyelids back, so that his eyes protruded like a pair of big red marbles.

He's heard some nasty stories about the furry beasts, which made his skin crawl with fear. All the stories, mentioned that they were an unspeakable terror, hungry as the grave, thirsty as a bottomless loch. A meeting with one, they say, was as good as a date with death herself. An exaggeration most likely, but the boy wasn't planning to find out.

"What in botherations was that boy... hmm!" The carriage door flew open and a short portly man with a grand mustache stumbled out onto the muddy forest floor. He marched up to the driver's seat, with as much dignity as he could muster in his current disheveled state. He straightened his hair down the sides of his head, fixed his collar, and then in an effort to seem stately, stuck out a knee.

"I asked you to park the carriage not to crash it! Do explain yourself right this instant, before I lose my temper any further! What in the hell was that - that THING you did with the carriage! You trying to kill me... my WIFE!"

The boy wanted to respond, he really wanted to, but in-between the little man jabbering away, he couldn't think of anything smart to say and had only ended up with a stumped look on his face.

"The fool can't speak!" The man's expensive look, topped off by his black fur cape, and velvet shoes that also would have been pitch black if they weren't inches under brown mud gave him a very important look. Like a baron or something similar. The boy didn't know and didn't dare ask him.

"Sir, please get back in the carriage sir." he said.

"Finally, he speaks, and the first thing he does is issue a command." the man said with words dripping with sarcasm.

"I saw somethin sir?"

"Did you now?" the man said, looking around nervously. "I see nothing." 

"I saw something by the trees over there. It could have been a bear... I think. "

The man's face turned as white as the snow on the branches on the trees surrounding them, at the mention of the word bear.

"So, you better get back to safety sir." The boy added.

Just then a blood curdling scream rattled his ears.

"Elizabeth!" the man shouted, rushing back to the carriage. When he got there he happened on the sight of a stranger sitting inside his carriage, and saying something to his wife. He was a large fellow, practically a giant next to the small woman who was sitting with her knees turned towards him as she listened attentively.

"Hello," the stranger greeted him peering over the woman's shoulder, ending his conversation with her. He  waved at him with a hand that big enough to break his wife like a twig. With his other hand, he held onto a long twisted stick, that was too small for him to use as a cane.

"Hope it wouldn't be too much trouble if I hopped in for a ride," The stranger said, more declaring than asking.

The man outside the door glared at the stranger, and then as if to to say yes, nervously climbed into the carriage,and sat in the only open seat, opposite his wife and the stranger.

"Start the carriage, now boy!" He shouted as he shut the door, and in a minute they were back on the road.

The stranger inspected the faces of his two travelling companions. He thought the woman had lovely blue eyes. His nostrils were trained to sense magic, but the only thing he could smell on these two was their chocking perfume. Did he have the right people?

A drawn out silence ensued as no person was ready to speak.

"I'm Sleeswik. You're wife and I already met." the stranger finally said, extending a hand to the man. He was patient while the man figured out how to grab a hold of his large hand and shake it.

"And you are" The stranger asked the man as they finally shook hands.

"Wilfr..." the man mumbled reluctantly, "Wilfred." he then snapped after the stranger asked him to repeat himself. Thereafter, he folded his hands and began to look out the window.

"Tell me Emma, how did you and your husband come upon the boy, I mean the driver?" The stranger said, giving her a look that demanded a response.

"Eh, well I'm not sure. He works for us I think." She looked at her husband who returned her stare without saying anything.

"I see. So you didn't raise him?" The stranger asked.

"Raise him?" The man blurted out amused, opening his mouth for the first time since telling the stranger his name. "The boy is not my son. He is a hired employee. Why should I have raised him?"

The stranger merely looked at him and sighed. He had become quite bored of talking. It was time for a little action. He held up his stick in the middle and flicked its tip against the air; first while pointing it at the man, and then at the woman. They both sneezed once, but nothing else happened. So he did it again, and just as before the couple sneezed, again only once.

"What is the meaning of this!" The man finally demanded, raising his voice high enough to draw the boy's attention.

"Is everything alright in there," the boy said from his perch, turning his head slightly but still keeping an eye on the road. He waited for an answer that never came. He wasn't going to inquire more, it was probably a private matter.

Meanwhile back in the carriage the man was still demanding an answer from the stranger. He was crouching on his feet now, and bravely shaking his finger at the larger man.

"That's enough!" the stranger roared, returning the man on his bum, "Clearly I've made a mistake here. You're not the people I'm looking for. But I am still curious about how you came upon that boy." He looked at them waiting for an answer.

"I told you he works for me, old man. He's just one of my many drivers. If that displeases you, then so be it." The woman looked up at her husband in astonishment, clearly troubled by his daringness to challenge the much larger man.

"I'm afraid the two of you will need to summon one of your other driver to take wherever it is you're headed, because this one is coming with me."

"And just how do you expect us to do that!"

"That's for you to worry about." The stranger said to the man, "Maybe you can drive yourself."

Ignoring the suggestion the man continued to vent, "You can't just leave us here in the forest."

Their argument had reached the boy and troubled him enough that he decided to stop the carriage.

"Is everything alright sir." He said getting off from his seat. Again he was ignored by the people inside, but this time he was going to find out what was going on. He approached the door of the carriage and knocked on it.

causing the carriage to wobble as he stood up from his seat. The man opposite him rushed to open the door, and rushed through it as he got it opened. The large stranger was right behind him, and sighed cheerfully as he straightened his back outside. He looked even more imposing now that he was standing up. His broad shoulders towering not only above the two people standing in front of him, the other being the boy, but also above the carriage. The boy stared at the beast of the man with a gaping jaw.

"What?" The stranger asked him.

"What - what are you?" he breathed, still staring at the man in amazement.

"What, they don't have old men where you come from?"

"Sorry, I mean are you a giant."

The question elicited a chortle from the stranger, "I wish. By the way I didn't mean to scare you back there."

"That was you?" The boy blurted in amazement. "Of course it was." The boy thought to himself staring at the bear's head the man was wearing as a helmet.

"Yup."


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Thu Jan 01, 2015 5:19 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Oh how lovely! This is an excellent beginning to your I story (though I still think you ought to repost your new version). I especially like the lady's character; she's so joyful at the end. Maybe her clueless disposition resounds with me or something.

Anyways, moving on:
There are a number of grammatical errors in here. Most are repeated, so I will not bother to correct each one specifically. You shall have to read through and figure it out.

1. Dialogue tags: I notice that you always capitalize your tags. Remember that if there is a 'said', 'asked', or other kind of verb that tells us that this dialogue is said by this person, then the tag is not capitalized (unless it's a name). Example:

"That was you?" The boy blurted
should be "That was you?" the boy blurted. However, if the following sentence is not connected directly to the dialogue with 'said' or some-such, then it is not a tag, and should be capitalized.

2. Verb tense: You don't seem to have a huge problem with verb tense. The only places where I saw your tenses mixed up was when you were describing things, and even then, it wasn't always the case. Remember that if you're writing in past tense, everything is in past tense (unless there are lapses where the narrator has to add in something. If you've read To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee uses this tactic).

As far as criticism goes, I think that's about it. I like your characters a lot; they're all very unique, and I can't match them with any standard archetypes yet. I also look forward to seeing Cole's somewhat disdainful personality come into play later, maybe as a hindrance or plot point.

I get the feeling we won't be seeing much more of the lady and her husband, which is kind of a shame, but it means you have even more complex characters waiting! I'm interested to know who the old bear-man was waiting for too--excellent job raising questions without making everything chaotic. (I just dump the reader into my characters' awful situation, so I could learn from this.)

Awesome job overall! Please let me know when you next update. I'll come around and review it.




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Sun Jan 19, 2014 4:44 pm
DarknecrosisX wrote a review...



First review I've done in a while, so I may be a tad rusty. To start with the introduction set the scene well, you didn't go too far into description (which is good) yet gave enough information for the reader to picture the scene. Despite this, it may do your writing some good if you research some synonyms for the words you use; I find that lexical words repeated within close proximity of each other can ruin a phrase, eg.

Nothing but a tree alongside nothing but trees. It was a large tree...


The first sentence I can understand the repetition, since notifying the reader that the tree was nothing but that seemed to be the desired effect. However, you could have used synonym in the next sentence, or even specified the genus. That's a bit of a nitpick, but still something you should look out for.

Your imagery was well used, especially similes, which you seemed to favour. I liked the personification present in this piece too, when describing the deadly quietness of the forest. In some places though I felt that your description could be badly coordinated, for example:

All the stories about them sang the same song – they were an unspeakable terror – as grim as death! As insatiable as a bottomless loch! A meeting with one was as good as a date with disaster.


When you use to hyphens in the same sentence, they act like brackets- separating out information that isn't essential. As you can see in the sentence I just wrote, using one in a sentence instead gives them the same function as a semi-colon; it elaborates on the previous phrase that doesn't require a comma. Keep this in mind when you're writing, because incorrect punctuation is very off-putting. So personally, I would have said something like this:

"All the stories about them sang the same song- they were an unspeakable terror; as grim as death; as insatiable as a bottomless loch! A meeting with one was as good as a date with disaster."

This way not only is the grammar correct, but also the use of semi-colons keep the pace going between the two clauses describing the horror of an encounter with an Ogre. This keep the atmosphere tense, which you did quite well- but it's the fine touches that the reader notices!

Good work at using italics to stress the pronunciation of the words- a lot of people miss that out, which makes the speech inaccurate to what the writer desired. So well done on that front. But watch out for this:

“Of course you did! You’re not blind! Maybe a little daft.” The man stated matter-of-factly.


If you're going to end dialogue without any description of how it's said, use full-stops. In this circumstance, however, you require a comma instead. Remember that full-stops mark the end of a clause, so in the sentence following the dialogue you tell us the man has said something "matter-of-factly" but not what he said. Once again, really pedantic of me to mention that, but still important to note.

Finally, a few little nitpicks:

The city of Nordingston, was beckoning.

No need for a comma here- simple sentences rarely require them.

“No, I, I saw something… just behind that tree...”

Commas aren't especially good at pointing out a stutter, a hyphen tends to work better.

That's about all I can say, I'm not going to tell you how to write your story, because personal style is what makes it unique and fun to read. Improve on your use of punctuation and develop your vocabulary to grasp useful synonyms would be my biggest advice after reading this. I'd love to read the next chapter of this tale to see how you get on.
Generally though, a good read!

Regards
DNX




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Sun Jan 19, 2014 3:49 pm



Great job! I noticed the changed from the reviews, and they are very nice changes.
No spelling or grammatical errors. The entire story flowed together.

I can't wait to see the second chapter!



Cheers,

~Swiftfur




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Sun Jan 19, 2014 2:26 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Yo Rounds,

Shady here with a quick review for you this fine night. Jumping straight in~

A cacophony of crunching wheels, pounding hoofs, and neighing carried through the forest while a quartet of Shires towed a carriage effortlessly along a muddy bridle path.
~ This, while it's a great descriptive line is... too much. A first sentence you want to flow, be concise, I suppose. You have too much description.

"A *cacophony* of *crunching* wheels, *pounding* hooves [hooves, notice, not hoofs xP], and neighing carried through the forest while a *quartet* of Shires *towed* a carriage *effortlessly* along a *muddy* *bridle* path."~ See how many descriptors you have there? It's a great image, but it's too crammed.

I'd try separating this into two sentences, and backing off a bit. "The noise of carriage wheels, pounding hooves, and restless whinnying filled the forest. A small group of Shires towed a (add a descriptor here, small-large-expensive etc.) carriage along a narrow, winding path covered with mud." Or something. Just soften it a bit, so that your readers don't feel overwhelmed in your first sentence.

Although it was a seven-day trip by carriage, the driver still felt like they had been on the road for ages and ages.
~ And I'm not a big fan of the 'ages and ages'. I'd replaced it with 'for many lifetimes', but that's probably just a stylistic preference.

Who wouldn't feel that way, after spending a week out in the open air on a small box seat with rain, wind, and hail constantly in your face while going at twenty five miles per hour?
~ No. I have many complaints about this. Firstly, don't ask questions in your novel-- make statements. Rather than "Who wouldn't feel that way?" make a statement "Anyone would feel that way."

Secondly, he's got rain, wind, and hail constantly in his face? That makes me curious as to what climate he's in-- since hail is frozen rain. I suppose that means they were in the winter? If it is winter, then I suppose it's not cold enough to freeze the mud?

Finally, I've been advised against using real units of measurement in fantasy novels-- such as inches, pounds, miles, etc. So, rather than using 'twenty-five miles per hour', use something that doesn't specify it like that. No suggestions are coming to mind-- I think I might just advise you to nix that part. Maybe leave yourself with something like "Anyone would feel like the trip had lasted a lifetime, after having to brave many bouts of harsh weather from the unprotected driver's seat." Or something.

When he first noticed it above the furthest treetops in the east he had leaned out of his seat for a good look. To make sure it wasn’t just another tree. Its deliberate pointiness and distinctive black appearance against the green forest backdrop told him it was not a tree.
~ Eeh, I don't like this part. It made me go "No, really? The metal didn't look like a tree? Wooow"... because I'm a mean person, and do those sorts of things-- but you'll have mean readers when you get published so... I don't feel so guilty about it either. ;)

Um, maybe something like: "When he first noticed the spire, barely visible above the forest canopy he leaned far out of his seat for a better look, to be sure it wasn't simply his imagination, teasing him with hope where there was none. Sure enough, a second look proved the spire to be real, made of black metal arranged at sharp angles." Or something.

Presently he was perched on his box seat, right foot on his left thigh, carving out a little head from a nut that he’d picked up from the forest floor sometime earlier.
~ Um, the previous paragraphs made it seem like he was driving as the story was going on-- and this makes it seem decidedly not so. A man wouldn't be stretched out and carving while he was driving a carriage. Carriages are way, way, waaaay too bumpy for that-- besides, if he's the driver, he has to pay attention and instruct his mounts.

I'm going to pause now, to point out that while you use really cool terms and things, you should make sure that they're familiar enough that you don't alienate your readers. I had no idea what Shires were (still not quite sure), and the only reason I know what a bruin is is because it's my school's mascot, so I looked them up. I didn't know anything about bruins, before I came to college. They're some of those rare creatures that, while they should get publicity, should also be well explained if you use them in a novel setting.

“What the hell was THAT!”
~ I'm going to be anal here (and you requested this so I can, mwahaha!). First, don't use capital letters in your novel dialogue. Period. It's unattractive-- use italicizing instead. Also, think about what word you want to emphasize in this sentence... and... I don't know what I'm trying to say, so I'll just show you what I'd rather see in this part instead: "What the hell was that?" Then, to show the exclamation (rather than an exclamation point, since double punctuation is trashy), you can use something like "the rich man shouted, fuming, as he threw the door to the carriage open and stumbled out with as much dignity as he could muster." Or something.
~

Okay!

So, that was way, way longer than I intended it to be. :3

I did really like the story-- that's why I took the time to give you such an in depth review, (rather than taking a shower like I really need to do <.>). It's a good story, and you've got fairly good pacing. You do have a few hiccups, as I pointed out above-- but it's an interesting story nonetheless. I reviewed as I was listening to my Hobbit Soundtrack playlist, and I got epic battle scene music playing as I was reading his panic, and it was just perfect. So, overall, I enjoyed this chapter. I hope it wasn't too harsh. I really don't mean for this to be discouraging-- I'm just trying to help. :)

If you have any questions or need any more help, don't hesitate to wall, PM, or chat me.

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Fri Jan 17, 2014 4:28 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey there,

So you have introduced new characters in this chapter and I personally didn't like the fact because it felt like I was reading some other chapter from another story. Your explanation on their travel was bit vague because I knew nothing about the characters and their personality. The idea of describing the characters as well as the scene all at once is not really paying off. You need to take time (not too much though) in characterizing the character and their personality. When it comes to describing them, it always shouldn't be about their physical features it also about the their intelligence.

You can't just make someone look dull and lame by giving them a stupid features and round figures, it's lot more than that.You want Enid to be considered as a stupid and clumsy woman by the Stranger, in those scenes, I'd really appreciate if you let them talk. That would also help us (the readers) to decide what she really is.

And her husband Ense, the names are too confusing, sometimes I just have to scroll back and froth to know who is the man and who is the woman. (May be I'm just dumb, but still there is confusion on it). I appreciate your effort on being different by selecting very rare names but see to that, that it doesn't really confuse the readers.

Back to the husband, he is just a lame and courageless lad.

Ense couldn’t be happier as he watched the man walk away without as much as a glance back; indeed he had said good riddance to him in his mind!


This narrative did justice, on describing his character. And this is all I want.

And the part where a strange man is leaning on the wall. That paragraph needs to be re-phrased. And, also the last paragraph, it needs to be edited.

Hope this helps.

Keep writing!

Cheers! :D




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Fri Jan 17, 2014 4:11 pm
Renard wrote a review...



Hello. XD


For a follow up to the first chapter, this is a really strong work.

I am impressed.

As always:
-good description
-good characterisation
-good pacing.

For example: '"What's going on!" Ense demanded. After following his wife’s gaze, he was lead right to the guilty party. “What did you do to my WIFE!” He roared at the stranger, gnashing his teeth, and tightening his fingers into fists, although he had no plans of taking on the towering thug.' Great combination of dialogue, characterisation and description.

My one, major moan about this work is that it is WAY too long. Way too long. LOL.

Apart from that, I enjoyed reading it. :)

Well done. XD




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Thu Jan 16, 2014 10:31 pm
CowLogic says...



Good job, Round. This chapter was a lot better than the first and all around enjoyable to read. The prose is definitely a lot more fluent, and the dialog is still nice. You also did a good job trying to write it in period style to a degree, so props for that. Nice diction an variation. Keep it up.




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Thu Jan 16, 2014 8:06 pm
deleted30 wrote a review...



Hi there! Lucrezia here for a review.

This is a great chapter. I loved the description of the woman, it was very easy for the reader to picture her. Everything was worded quite nicely, and it all flowed together seamlessly.

A few nitpicks:

The passengers inside, seemed to only remember him, when they were ordering him to stop, slow down, or to go faster, not when he was tired, hungry, or being bombarded by the rain.


You can remove the comma after "passengers inside."

The driver Leaned out of his seat,

“We’re there!”


"Leaned" does not need to begin with a capitalized L, and also, I think you should change "we're there" to "we're here."

Her husband followed suite


I believe you meant "suit," not "suite."

“it’s hard to believe that such ignorant people are still born."


You accidentally forgot to capitalize that first I in "it's."

Besides for those minor little things, this was quite good. Keep writing! :)




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Thu Jan 16, 2014 7:41 pm
ConverseFireGirl wrote a review...



Hey there! I have to say, this Chapter was just as great as your first. Great work, and I hope this review will help! :D
First of all, "Rebekkah" what a fabulous name. :D
Right! Onto the review!

First, let's get the little errors out of the way.
"bore a cross that blinked when ever the sunlight"
Whenever is one word :)
Plus, I don't think that the comma here...:
"an open field of grass and mud(,) that quickly lifted into a hill."
Is necessary, i sort of interrupts the flow, and it makes perfect sense without it too :)
A little space necessary here:
"It wasprotruding just above the hill,"
Also...:
"fast asleep on the laps of the winsomer shorter man."
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it should be..:
"fast asleep on the lap of the winsome shorter man."

Right, onto the fun stuff!
Your story is developing great, with characters with have strong personalities and and extremely good potentials of become fabulous!
Your descriptions are great too, and the scene is just perfectly set, I love it! :D
Keep it up, I am SO following you! :D
-CFG





Excuse me I have never *lied* about a character I just don't tell the truth
— AceassinOfTheMoon