"How could you have done this to me?"
But I have done nothing at all.
Was I to satisfy your ego,
Plunge and take the fall?
Apparently I wouldn't have been able
To find the answer on my own.
You seem to think I'm scared
Of standing and being alone.
So let's start a cold war between us,
Shall we?
Make our friends uncomfortable,
Without care.
"Choose between the two of us,"
You'll say,
And I'll stand here,
Outnumbered.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
This is brilliant!
Starting with speech really got my attention, as I didn't know who was talking. It's a bit like opening a book in the middle. I wanted to find out what was goin on, and why it was happening, which made me want to read more.
"Was I to satisfy your ego,
Plunge and take the fall?"
This rings true with me, and your use of vocabulary like "plunge" puts quite a gentle tone on the matter. If you had used a word like "plummet" instead, I wouldn't have felt such a level of empathy with the narator.
"Apparently I wouldn't have been able
To find the answer on my own.
You seem to think I'm scared
Of standing and being alone. "
This is a lovely stanza, it really outlines the idea of solitude and how other people can underestimate you. It might have flowed a tiny bit better if the last line had been
"of being alone" without the words "standing and" but this is just a personal preferance and the stanza is still lovely as it is.
So let's start a cold war between us,
Shall we?
Make our friends uncomfortable,
Without care.
"Choose between the two of us,"
You'll say,
And I'll stand here,
Outnumbered.
I like how you had two words in every other line for a while, it makes for a very powerful ending. "And I'll stand here, outnumbered" also gives the impression that this is ongoing, as you use the word "here" instead of "there". This gives the really great effect of leaving your reader with something to think about.
Ending on one word was very powerful, too.
Overall, a really great peom which I enjoyed reading! I dropped you a like
Wow, this was both deep, powerful, and mysterious. Veeery nice mix there.
I found this a good poem, with a lot of meaning behind it.
There's one thing I'd suggest though which is nearly non existent. If you were referring to the Cold War historically, you need to capitalize it, and I like that reference too. It's realistic. great work!
The last line holds a lot of power which I think you finish nicely on. One word endings, I find, are the best. I hope that this short review helped!
-CFG
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Technical:
That "But" there throws off the flow. It seems to be a protest, but a protest that's pointing back to something. That something (whatever it is, be it accusation, false allegation, inference/implication, situation, circumstances, etc.) isn't shown to us right now, and that felt a little off.
I'm sorry if this comes as absolutely no help, but I can't for the life of me figure out why your "and" is bothering me so much. I think it might be the diction of going straight from the "-ing" to the "and" sound.
The transition to extremely short second line here caused a mental stumble. Also, the "Without care" is (a) a beat too long, (b) feels out of place, almost disconnected from the poem. The first short line is tied to its preceding line, and all even-numbered lines are tied to the preceding odd lines. It just felt a little odd to transition from the friends' feelings to the (ex?) couples' feelings.
The last line feels disconnected from the poem with that space between it. If you're going for style, I'd recommend at least another line (I'd go for three total lines between the two if that's what you want).
But two recommendations on that line. One, delete the space. Two, change the comma at the end of the preceding line to a colon. It gives it a much more solid feel.
Reading back through the poem (because I was a little confused as to whom the "between the two of us" was referencing), I discovered that the speaker of the first line is not the narrator of the poem, but the "you." I'm not sure why, but my mind lumped the entire first stanza as the opening speaker's lines, and after clarification still assumed that the first speaker was the narrator. I'm not sure if I'm the only one, or if that needs clarification.
Hope this helps!
Hello Auxiira,
Magenta here to review your poem. Apologies of I don't help because I am slightly new here. I'm not sure that you need the quotation marks around the first line. It seems like it would be the same with or without them. Just my opinion, however.
"Was I to satisfy your ego,
Plunge and take the fall?"
If this is one line, I would suggest using a semicolon to separate "ego" and "plunge' to divide the sentence. Or you could write "to' in the beginning of the second line before the word "plunge".
The poem doesn't seem to have a flow or rhythm to it. You start rhyming lines two and four but then you change it so that there is no rhyming. Was this deliberate?
" And I'll stand here,
Outnumbered."
This looks odd. Instead, I would make "and I'll stand here" a sentence on its own and have the word "outnumbered' its own line as well. If you did that, I would not put a period at the end of the last word and maybe italicize it so it makes it more emphasized so that it looks like this... I would also have an ellipsis after the first line.
And I'll stand here...
Outnumbered
(my computer won't let me italicize)
I like you poem so keep up the good writing! Hope to see more of your writing.
~ Magenta
Ah, well the speech marks are because it was something said to me...
The end of the rhyming was deliberate, yes.
Thank you for your imput! It was useful!
Auxii~