Everything in the office was pristine, the white bookshelves, the expensive beige carpet to the line of impressive electronic gadgets that lined the wall neatly. It was only natural, that he needed to mess this up a little up. Wiping the bloodied dagger with his untucked shirt tail, he watched with a tiny smile as droplets of scarlet splattered against the beige carpet, earning a disgusted glance from the man whom sat behind the office desk.
Suddenly, he paused in the action of wiping, he looked up. Silver eyes narrowing into crescent moons as he spoke, “you want me to do what?”
The latter uttered a sigh of exasperation, before replying, “We want you to hunt down a maiden of Glass.”
‘A maiden of Glass?” He echoed softly, a trace of laughter in his tone as he sheathed the dagger back into the knife belt around his hip.
“Indeed, your aim is to capture her and bring her to us. You are not to harm her.” The older man intoned, before retrieving a cream coloured folder from a nearby cabinet and placing it carefully on the desk.
“Why me, why not some better agents out there? You’ve got plenty of young agents like me.” He laughed bitterly, crossing his lean arms across his chest.
“Because, Dylan.” He began softly, like the croons of a gentle summer wind, “you are the only one who is brave enough to accept this and besides, most of our agents are out in the field already.”
“Glass?” He repeated the word again, “why on earth do you want a maiden of glass? I thought elementals were extinct.”
“They were never extinct, they were just scarce but lately, there has been an abnormal paranormal activity all over the globe. Sudden storms, fires and floods. Electrical shortages and,” the man paused, glancing at something on his laptop, “an entire city blacked out in China about four months ago.”
“And what does this have to do with this maiden of glass?” He questioned, unaffected.
“Just read the file, Dylan.” He sighed again, pushing the file upwards and watched silently as Dylan skimmed over the file before tossing it on the table.
“Hang on here, Rickie. You have no hard evidence on this maiden and you want me to hunt her down?” He scowled and shook his head, “I can’t do that, Rick.”
“Just listen to me, Dylan!” Rick growled softly, his voice climbing an octave higher as he stood up. “I’m not asking you to kill her or anything, just to bring her here so we can figure out what’s going on! Ever since she blinked back about half a year ago, there’s been an increase of paranormal activity.”
“Then why haven’t you tried to arrest her then?” He asked his tone accusative as he leaned forward, looming over Rick.
“Since she’s made from glass, she always reflects what people think she looks like, so we can never pin her down. But we’ve got her location from a reliable source.”
“Well, then. How am I supposed to know what she looks like?”
“Because, Dylan.” Rick walked around, picking the folder up along the way as he placed it in his arms. “You aren’t like the other kids; you will know when you see her. You will see.” He opened the door and gently pushed Dylan out, “now get ready. John and Vicky will come and pick you out.”
And that was how, some five hours later, Dylan ended up in a tiny, miserable town some twenty miles out of Kansa. Their car came to a halting stop before a run-down two storey house looking like a haunted house out of a ghost movie.
Oh, just great.
He tuned out John and Vicky’s conversation into the background noise and trudged upstairs, feeling the stairs groan and moan beneath his sneakers. A blast of stale wood hit him in the face as he looked at his new bedroom. Wrinkling his nose in disgust, he observed the small, weatherboarded room that already had inhabitants spinning cobwebs in the corners, dust mite swirling in a slow dance in the feeble moonlight that shone through the dusty window.
“Hell of a home.” He muttered softly, dumping a black fitness backpack onto the floorboards discourteously, eliciting a soft groan from the stale wood. He looked around the room slowly; there was a sheet of plastic covering a small bed, next to a wooden desk and chair. A single wardrobe that swayed dangerously as he opened it, and at the bottom was a couple of dead rat corpses that emitted such a pungent smell that he slammed it shut.
Groaning, he ran through a hand through his spiked obsidian hair before opening the window to let some fresh air in. He took a routine perimeter check, before doubling back in shock. Frosty beams from the moonlight highlighted the shock on his angular features.
Standing across from him, seeming to hover in mid-air but was in reality standing on a large oak tree branch, was a girl dressed in white. From her white blouse that hung from her skeletal frame like water, to her white jeans and white flats. She stared back at him with a pair of wide-set eyes.
That reflected the full moon that hung low in the sky that night.
He watched, mesmerized as she opened her cherry lips and whispered to the wind and carried her words to him like the haunted whisper of a ghost.
“Remember me.”
Then she was gone, she was there and she wasn’t there. He gasped silently, hands bracing against the cracked wooden frame as his heart beats accelerated quickly, roaring raucously in his eardrums. In that instant, he knew.
End of chapter
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141,247 Literary Works • 674,336 Reviews
Timmy here for a review! I am doing a review for you, as initiation into the wonderful land of being friends with Timmy…. Sort of.
Actually, this work just seemed really cool(and the title caught my eye), so I couldn’t resist reading, and then reviewing the piece now. 
It was a very interesting story, really. I can just see all of your imagination playing through this. Elementals, her strange capabilities. I mean, she isn’t really made of glass, is she? Wait… is she? I am under the impression that it is just her image. How people see her. And that is why they think that she is made of glass, because everyone sees her differently. I like how Dylan sees her. Really, she seemed like an angle, especially when you describe how she was there and then left—so quickly vanishing from his sight. Yes. Who else could it be?
A couple nitpicks…
I have a few nitpicks with this sentence. Firstly, I don’t think the comma is necessary. It creates a sentences block where one shouldn’t exist, and stops the reader momentarily when they should read on.
And look at the bolded words. Two “up” right after each other. To me, it merely looks like a typo and you didn’t intend for one of them to be there. In my opinion, the seconds one should be omitted.
Wait. What? Did he just gut someone or did I just miss something really important here? Remember that in a story, you must tell the reader about every step. Each little detail that will change how they view the story. Where he got this blood is important!
That should be two sentences, not one. Split them at “me”
Elemental is a proper noun, right? Like a species or organization of some sort? It should be capitalized.
Those are just a few of the many examples you have in your writing that have taglines. Remember that saying how the character is feeling shouldn’t be in the tagline. In fact, some of the best books out there don’t have anything but “said” in their taglines. The answer is in the dialogue itself. Your character is bitter? Show it, rather than telling us. You character is unaffected? Show us, yet again.
Don’t be afraid to say “said”, either. It is an excellent fallback, and has been used so much that it has become somewhat like a period. It just melts into the writing and is seen only for the reader to know that someone was speaking.
That should be two sentences. So you should break it up at “anything”, and then have the next sentence read something along the lines of: Just bring her here so we can figure out what’s…
That part just confused me. A blast of stale wood? Or did you mean a blast of stale air?
I was once almost killed for beginning a sentence with an adjective(I think that’s an adjective. I dunno. Xd). Someone threatened to hang me. O_o So I don’t know what the big deal is, but I guess in first drafts, they are okay. But those sentence openings need to be weeded out throughout your second writing.
How can someone be gone and still be there? And you say the same thing twice. In the first part of the sentence, you say that she is gone. In the next, you say exactly the same thing. And, it should be two sentences.
Okayyy… Enough with those terrible nitpicks. I hate picking through near-perfection, almost hoping to find something that I can help you on.
This is a lovely story, and I am really excited for your main character. Something tells me that he won’t find it as easy as he planned. And something else tells me (a little bird) that he may not want to bring her in. I hope that something happens to him throughout the story, cuz I don’t like who he works for.
Keep writing! I will review the next one sooooooon
~Darth Timmyjake
Would this be a bad time to say, I've given up on this? Thanks for the review!
Whaaa??? Don't give up!
But is horrible. *_*
Noooo.... It only needs rewritten. All great stories do.
Can't even remember the storyline.
I'll give you a hint. It has to do with glasss....
Wow, This is great! I love the idea! Glass elemental… You had really good imagery, except for in the beginning, I don't really know what Rick or Dylan looks like, but that will probably come later… Right?
First of all, these are the small things. where you said: “you want me to do what?” I think you meant to capitalize the first 'Y'… But probably just a typo.
Secondly, I don't know if this "through" in this sentence is supposed to be repetitive: "Groaning, he ran through a hand through his spiked obsidian hair before opening the window to let some fresh air in."
Next, the format of this sentence: "She stared back at him with a pair of wide-set eyes.
That reflected the full moon that hung low in the sky that night."
The first sentence is fine, it's complete. But the second one is not a complete sentence, and I'm guessing that it meant to go with the first. So maybe this?
"She stared back at him with a pair of wide-set eyes.
Eyes that reflected the full moon that hung low in the sky that night."
Lastly, I don't really understand this sentence:
"Then she was gone, she was there and she wasn’t there."
That might just be my age, but I don't really know.
Great story! I like it a lot!
testing
IT WORKED!
YUS IT DID!
You commented on this!?
So, here's my short review.
I feel the first part of the story, in the office, lacks some character description. I can't really picture Rick. But it goes better on the second part, with the girl. This one, I can picture and she seems a living character.
On the other side, the description of places are good. The office was fine and when you move to the house, then you make it look real.
On the plot side, I find the idea of a glass elemental rather interesting. I really want to know more about that part.
Now, two things I might be wrong about.
Is that normal to have twice the word "through" or is it possible to delete the first one ? That would look better (in my mind) with only the second one, but I'm not sure if it's correct.
Here, it's the french speaking guy who's talking. I know that in english you can repeat a same word again and again, while in french you shouldn't use it twice in a same sentence (and possibly not before a few more sentences). So, here there's twice the word "house" in a really small "space". Is it possible to put something else in the first case, like "two storey building" ? Again, I don't know if that would be correct.
Anyway, I survive to that one and I pretty sure I could read the following chapters.
Oh yikes, those are good points. I pretty sure the 'don't use the same word in the same sentence' applies to almost every language and that is some good points you've pointed out there. xD. If you haven't died, please do. I'd love so more feedback.
Hi, GreenTulip here to offer you a review. So, I liked the piece, it is original. I liked it. The piece was well written, but like any piece of work- it can have some work done to it. Grammar and spelling can always be tweaked. There are points where you will want to fix your punctuation, not that is bad and takes away from the story, but some are out of place. You need to fix your sentence length. I will give you an example.
That is how I would fix it. I would also change how you have some sentences phrased
This is how I would fix it.
I hope that this helped you.
This sentence is awkward. I was expecting "and" instead of "to."
For a knife to be bloodied, he would have had to have bloodied it very recently; and it would seem like this would be a better place to start the story. But if you don't have an idea in mind, it might be better to omit the bloody knife component altogether. Just as disruptive would be him putting muddy boots on a desk. Perhaps the knife can be incorporated in this scene by having him clean the mud off with the knife. This would be a not-so-subtle hint that he is dangerous.
The conversation between the agent and the client was a strange one. What the agent needs is the following:
Who the target is.
What resources the target has at their disposal (generally security.)
Where the target is.
How the target should be handled.
How much?
Once these questions are asked, the agent can decide whether or not he'll take the job. If the agent is a professional, then the conversation would be professional.
The agent seems to be very reckless; in that he is willing to offend a potential client that hires people of his... talents. That kind of reckless doesn't pay off in the long run.
Just as this conversation ends, the agent is swept off to the target location.
This seems like it is happening too fast. I suggest you slow down and split the scene where they arrive at the house into a separate chapter.
Here is what I suggest: start the chapter with the agent arriving for the meeting. This will give us a chance to form an opinion of him first. Introduce the client, so that we can get a better sense of what is happening.
I think the next few chapters could involve searching for the target, setting up a kidnapping, and then the actual kidnapping. You can prolong the mission by having the target move, having their plans thwarted by accident or by design.
All in all, I thought the story had decent execution, but needs some work done on the pacing. Slowing down the story pace will give you more time to establish the characters and settings.
Hello, my friend.
First, let me apologize for how long it took me to get this review up. With the holiday ending, I simply found all of my free time evaporating before my eyes. However, I am glad that I was able to read your story! Your writing seems smooth and effortless. You construct images easily with your words, and I would like to thank you for sharing his with us.
Second, some grammatical things:
"...was pristine: the white bookshelves..." I think you should place a colon there. Otherwise, it looks a bit awkward.
I do not believe that this comma is necessary.
"He asked, his tone accusative..." That comma will help the flow of the sentence, and I think it is required.
That was all I could really find. I had to read a couple of sentences twice to see if you were using a comma correctly, but everything seemed in order.
Third, some stylistic suggestions:
I agree with the reviewer below, about switching the order of the sentences in this paragraph. Utilize whatever will hook the reader. A few sentences about a man and a dagger will always grab a reader attention over a description of a clean room.
This sentence is a bit awkward. Either remove the "suddenly" or remove "...he looked up..." The way you have it currently stifles the reading process, in my opinion.
In regards to the part I have placed in bold, I am not telling you to remove it or anything like that. I simply cautioning you. Sometimes, flowery, beautiful language, such as that, can seem out of place and ruin the flow of your writing. Sometimes, it just isn't necessary. Sometimes, just saying "...He began softly..." can be more appealing and powerful, if that makes any sense. When a writer pushes all of their writing onto a reader as frequently as they, it can seem repetitive and grow boring. Be frugal with your beautiful phrases in a story of this kind.
Be careful of using "he" too often in this first chapter. I know that you go from Dylan to Rick, but if a reader loses track of that they will have no idea who is saying what.
I would advise against placing such a massive amount of time into one sentence. It can seem boring to the reader, as if you don't want to put in the energy to write out what actually happened.
I have to admit; I thought an actual blast of stale would somehow hit him in the face. I would perhaps consider a different word to use for describing the scent of the wood.
At least three things have groaned already in this section. I would consider using another word. If only to help the flow of your writing. It may just be me, but when I read multiple, stand out words over and over again, I just go mad.
Once again, I am going to have to agree with the reviewer below. @AriaAdams, you have quite the literary eye. This sentence is awkward and ruins the flow of your writing. It just seems out of place. Plus, it topples the build up that your writing was creating. Allow the action to flow smoothly. And, this goes back to my rant about flowery, beautiful writing. There is a time and a place.
That is that time and that place! Wow. Simply gorgeous words, my friend. Simply gorgeous.
Let your words remain simple when they need to be. "Then, she was gone." No need for the second sentence. I am all for minimalism in writing during times such as these.
This is extremely nit-picky, but I would suggest writing "heartbeats" instead of "heart beats." Simply for the sake of the flow of the piece.
Other than those suggestions, you have a wonderful voice.
Fourth, your characters.
I praise you for your beginning dialogue between Dylan and Rick. I don't know whether Rick will return, so I cannot say what it would do to his character. However, the way Dylan moved, talked, and thought breathed life into his character. I could see him. Feel him. It was truly masterful characterization. However, I would advise that you go into detail about John and Vicky in this chapter, if you are going to introduce them. You talked about Dylan tuning them about, but it won't make sense why he would unless you write them into this chapter.
Fifth, your plot.
I have a problem with the plot at this point for a few reasons. You have already set up your writing as descriptive and concise. However, after you write this, all of that falls apart. Why not write what happens in that five hours? Who are John and Vicky? What is the relationship? What does this town look like? What's the name of the town? Your description of the world around Dylan falls apart at this point. You must keep that trend, or the reader will find themselves lost. You had built your mythos and the environment around Dylan so beautifully in the dialogue between Rick and Dylan, so do not lose that trend. Build your world.
The ending was absolutely fantastic. It was simple and left me wanting more. And I do. I want more of this story.
Overall, a wonderful story. Dylan is an amazing character; developed, charming, witty, and fun. Your writing is beautiful, yet remember my cautions. I cannot wait to read more! Happy Writing!
Thank you so much! I get what you mean about holiday time, is the same with me which is why I'm rushing to write. For John and Vicky, I suppose I was stuck but I will introduce them a bit more in the next chapter. Thank you so much for reviewing on this!
It was a great story, my friend!
Knight Dragon, here to review as requested!
Technical:
That comma should either be a colon or a dash.
The comma shouldn't be there. It breaks up reading flow, and I'm pretty sure is incorrect.
That "whom" should be "who."
That second comma is a comma splice. This is also pretty wordy, and could be better written along the lines of "Suddenly, he stopped wiping and looked up." It's much simpler and shows exactly what's going on.
That 'you' should be capitalized. Also, this sentence needs a bit of a rewrite. The "Silver eyes...as he spoke" is one giant fragment. It could be much better as: "His silver eyes narrowed into crescent moons as he said (or spoke)". It reads much better that way (although that's just a suggested way of rewriting it).
The word "latter" should only be used if there's a comparison or list directly preceding it (or near enough to be referenced). I'd recommend changing latter to "other man" or "man at the desk." Also, 'replying' struck me as a little off there. I'd recommend scrubbing the first comma (because this is all one action, it flows better without it), and maybe change the verb. But that's just a suggestion.
Typo on the open quote. It's a single instead of a double quote. You're "He" should be decapitalized.
For a moment, I thought that "Indeed" was part of the sentence. As it's written, it is, but I realized you wanted a period, not a comma, after that word. Otherwise it's very out of place. The other sentence up there needs to be adjusted because it's too wordy. It should be "You are to capture her and bring her to us," especially for continuity of speech.
If you're going to use periods instead of commas in your dialogue, then you need to decaps the "The" right there. Also, I'd recommend ditching the "before" there. It doesn't serve any purpose, especially since readers understand that, chronologically, if there's no before in the sentence, then the older man spoke then retrieved. Also, hyphenate "cream colored."
That comma should be a second question mark.
That period should be a comma, the "He" should be decapsed, and your simile feels like purple prose. So I'd be careful.
That's a pretty long sentence, so I'd recommend deleting the and, putting a period after the "this" right before that, and capitalizing the "besides".
That first comma should be a period, and the why should be capsed. Also, you have the "I thought they were all gone" cliche. If his 'boss' is asking him to go get something, then it's obviously there (unless the boss has a secondary motivation for sending him on a wild goose chase. But we'll leave that alone for now.) So perhaps a better way to show that elementals are rare or thought extinct would be a question like "How did an elemental survive (insert some traumatic event or war)?" Then the statement doesn't feel so cliched.
Change the first comma to a period and capitalize accordingly. Then, move the comma from after "lately" to after "scarce." Or better, put a period after "scarce", delete "but", and caps "lately." It flows better that way.
I'd recommend changing questioned to "asked", and decaps your "He." At this point, my mind finally sparked the fact that I don't remember you using "said" in this piece, probably because I recommended you change one of your verbs to "said." Don't over-replace "said." If you don't feel like you're overusing "said", you're not using it enough.
That comma should be a period.
An exclamation point and voices rising an octave higher never go with "softly." I think the word you want is "subdued," which means you'll need to do a little rewording to fit that in the sentence.
There should be a comma after "asked".
Um...that sounds to me like she'd be rather easy to track. If she looks exactly like my mental image of her, then I'll go looking for a creature that looks like what I think it looks like, and I'll know it when I see it. A stronger camouflage reason is needed. At this point, I'm left confused why any agent can't see her.
Did you actually mean "Kansa", or is that a typo for Kansas?
Stale wood? Oh my, that's probably the funniest mental image I've had all day. He walks into his bedroom and gets hit in the face with a rotting board spring-loaded against the wall like a giant practical joke. *sigh* Well, thank you for that typo. That was pretty good.
I think the word you wanted was stale "wind."
You seem to favor "softly." That's a redundant word here, since he's muttering. Also, that period should be a comma, and the "He" decapsed.
And now I have a mental image of a Goth or punk rock star. I feel like you're going for a cool factor here, but it didn't strike me as the super bad ghosthunter.
This is a fragment that left me a little confused. Why is the "From" there? Is he observing her? What exactly is going on there? (I do get that this is description, but how she's being described is what has me confused. Who is she being described by? And how?)
Plot-wise, I think you're doing fine so far. It'll be a bit later before I see any major problems, if there are any at all.
Hope this helps!
Thank you so much, this really helped!
liffhanger of the century, almost as good as part three to "Death to the Daleks. "!
You have some very good adjectives (good not being one of them), however I think you overly favour the adjective before verb combo, at least it seemed like that towards the end. Chuck in some similes and metaphors to spice things up a bit.
In the ssentence beginning "Groaning he wrang his hand" I think the double use of the word "shock" should be changed. Be adventurous is vocabulary.
Hope This Helps
Take That You Fiend!
Oh my lords..111 reviews. Thank you, I shall be more adventurous in my future chapters.
Your welcome, really liked it!
Aw, thank you! *huggles* that means a lot to me!
:)
Hey there, Laure!
The title of this piece was what caught my attention - it created a certain image in my head, and I was very curious to see what awaited beyond the title. That's good; the title should be as much of a hook as the first few lines, and that's done nicely here.
Speaking of first lines, I think I'd slightly rearrange yours, into something like this:
Wiping the bloodied dagger with his untucked shirt tail, he watched with a tiny smile as droplets of scarlet splattered against the beige carpet, earning a disgusted glance from the man whom sat behind the office desk.
Everything in the office was pristine - the white bookshelves, the expensive beige carpet to the line of impressive electronic gadgets that lined the wall neatly. It was only natural, that he needed to mess this up a little up.
He* paused in the action of wiping and looked up, silver eyes narrowing into crescent moons as he spoke. “You want me to do what?”
As you see, I didn't really change much, and apart from a bit of punctuation, it's all pretty much as you put it. However, allow me to explain myself.
While the very beginning works the way you wrote it in the first place, I find it a better hook if you put the sentence with the bloody dagger first. It might be a somewhat clichéd technique, but it's a fact that action of some sort if more appealing to the reader than description, and if there's something dark like dagger and/or blood mentioned in there, even better xP It makes the reader wonder, who is that man, why does he have a dagger, whose blood is it and why is it there, and so on and so forth. It makes the reader want to read on right away, to figure out answers to his/her questions. After that, a line or two of description - in which you managed to slip a bit of the character's personality, even, I'd say - doesn't feel forced or boring or anything alike at all. It merely helps to create the atmosphere, and that can only be a good thing.
Some might argue the idea of starting a chapter with such a long sentence, but personally I don't see a problem in it. I'm fond of long sentences myself, and it flows nicely enough.
In the last line of the above quote, you really don't need the word 'suddenly'. His movement, or rather, the stop of it, cuts the motionlessness of the scene so far, and saying it happened suddenly is just repeating something the reader already felt, hence not necessary there.
“Because, Dylan," he began softly, like the croons of a gentle summer wind, “you are the only one who is brave enough to accept this and besides, most of our agents are out in the field already.”
Nitpicks on punctuation and alike. I won't quote them all, but there are places in this chapter where you should reconsider the capitalisation and the punctuation when you go through it to edit it again (or if you weren't planning on doing it, I suggest you do). Again, putting a dot and capitalising the H (in this case) is definitely not wrong (as in, grammatically incorrect), but since the man's sentence continues without some break or stop (especially since you tell us his voice is soft), it simply flows better and is easier to read with just a comma and little h.
Nice job with introducing the Elementals topic, it didn't seem forced and there was no infodump - it was a conversation between two people who know what they're talking about, and it felt that way, providing the reader with just enough information for now.
The only slightly confusing thing was the "blinked back" part. I'm not quite sure what you meant with that - did she reappear, so he's using that phrase to say it, or did she literally blink or look back at someone for the first time after a long while, or something alike?
“Since she’s made from glass, she always reflects what people think she looks like, so we can never pin her down. But we’ve got her location from a reliable source.”
An interesting and at the moment logical answer to the question a reader asks as well. That's also a good thing
Also, a glimpse of something being special about Dylan, something which allows him to recognise this girl when no one else can't quite do it. I wonder what exactly that'll be about, and if they have some sort of connection that'll appear/become apparent as the story progresses.
"(...)John and Vicky will come and pick you out."
"Pick you out" is kind of a strange expression (or one I'm not familiar with). "Pick you up", maybe, or "take/escourt you out"?
And that was how, some five hours later, Dylan ended up in a tiny, miserable town some twenty miles out of Kansa. Their car came to a halting stop before a run-down two storey house looking like a haunted house out of a ghost movie.
This part seems rushed. So far, everything's been flowing nicely, you never disregarded dialogue for the sake of description or vice versa - now, however, it seems like you just want to get to the point but feel the need to give us some sort of description. Perhaps try rephrasing it.. start with saying that he found the tiny houses lifeless behind the thin layer of mist which seemed like it grew roots in the very walls and streets, not really leaving the place even when the sun shone.. or something alike.
A blast of stale wood hit him in the face
Er.. I get it you meant the smell, but at first I was like "o.O Bunch of wood exploded from inside of a room into his face?" Try "strong scent" or something alike? I'm pretty sure "blast" can be used, but it seems slightly strange.
Groaning, he ran through a hand through his spiked obsidian hair before opening the window to let some fresh air in. He took a routine perimeter check, before doubling back in shock. Frosty beams from the moonlight highlighted the shock on his angular features.
I suggest you cut the last line here, or rearrange this part somehow. We already know he's shocked, you said it in the line before last. We don't really need to know about his angular features right now, do we?
The description of the girl is good; nothing too drastic, nothing too ordinary. Interesting, with a hint of something ominous and a definite feeling of mystery. The "remember me" part made me shiver slightly, and I see that as a good thing as well. It also seems to be hinting on that connection of theirs which I mentioned earlier, yet it's not screaming the answer in the reader's face right away.
This was a pretty brilliant way to end a chapter, in my opinion, and left me curious to find out what happens next. That's the overall impression as well - even though there are some things which could be changed, as I said above, the whole piece is very good, from the title to the last line, and it was a pleasure to read.
I hope I helped, and do let me know if you need anything/have any questions
See you around~
Aria
Hey Aria, thanks so much, I will definitely take these wonderful opinions into consideration as I write my next chapter.
This really helped me! Thank you so much!
You're very welcome, I'm glad I helped
Do poke me a bit when you post that new chapter, I'd like to keep reading this ^^
I quite liked this. The title is absolutely fantastic, and caught my attention right away. The plot is really interesting an suspenseful, and in that respect, I can't fault you. Didn't notice any spelling mistakes (yay!) and no massive grammar mistakes. Mostly, my problems with this are just nitpicks, and easily fixed.
You don't need the 'to' in there, because it makes more sense without it. If you want to keep the 'to', then add 'from' before 'the pristine...' and another 'to' before 'the expensive...'.
This should be 'the man who sat behind the desk.'
Watch out with the capitalisation when you use quotation marks. A capital letter should follow any quotation marks. I wouldn't put a full stop after 'Dylan', either, because it's the end of a sentence, and the 'he' after 'Dylan' doesn't need a capital either. For example:
There are a few other occasions where you haven't used a capital when you have a kind of "..." he said, "..." and there needs to be one in the second "...". Please tell me if I'm making no sense.
I don't have much else to say, except to watch out with your consistency on how you write 'maiden of Glass'. You have it written with a capital G for glass, but then there are other times where neither word is capitalised. Personally, I'd capitalise both 'maiden' and 'glass', but it doesn't really matter which words have capital letters so long as it remains consistent throughout the story.
Overall, I really liked reading this story, so keep up the good work!
Thank you so much! I wil take them into consideration! And your story is absolutely stunning!
Heya Laure! Pompadour here has been aroused from the land of fruitcake and gelato and is here for a review! (Don't ask me why I said that in third-person. I just did.
)
So, anyway, let's get cracking!
So, first off, I must say that the title immediately grasped my attention. "The glass maiden," brought to my mind the thought of insecurity, of slippery trickery and false facades. And yet, behind the surface there is a lingering fragile reality. So it would be an understatement to say that this piqued my curiousity. Indeed, it ignited it. The overall story, again, was interesting and you have definitely grabbed yourself a reader! I look forward to reading more of this story, so do tell me whenever you've got a new chapter up!
However, there is still definite need of improvement in a couple of places. For example:
I have a feeling adding a "then" here could help improve the sentence, as well as removing an "up," so it would be:
Also, over here:
Your description is very good. I liked how you compared his eyes to "crescent moons." Very nice! However, the flow here is sort of messed up - halting, even. The first bit could either be:
OR
[quote] Suddenly, he paused in the action of wiping and looked up. [quote]
This makes it smoother, and easier to read as well as comprehend. The "you" in "you want me to do what?" should be capitalized, too.
Another thing I noticed was that you haven't mentioned Dylan's name outright, but through dialogue, and that too was after we had progressed a bit into the piece. You referred to him as "he," and since you were talking about the old man at the same time you kind of threw me off. You could mention Dylan's name earlier on in the dialogue Like when he says: "You are not to harm her.” You could twist the dialogue so it says: "And Dylan, you are not to harm her," or something of that sort.
Gaarh, you left us on a cliffhanger! I look forward to reading more of this soon!
Overall, I liked this piece and it was really good. There were a few minor errors, but nothing that a few tweaks can't set aright. So keep it up! Keep writing!
Cheers,
~Pompadour
Hey there,
Dreamy here to review. This work was quite intriguing. I really liked the way you have narrated your story, which made it more interesting. I couldn't really find any grammatic mistakes. The flow of the words were continuous, I didn't stop at any places or re-read any sentences. The words were easy and simple. Let me point out something that needs editing,
I'm simply quoting it because, in spite the fact that this one is a novel yet you didn't fail to be poetic. That was so damn poetic.
Other than that, this is really a very good work. Keep up the good job.
Keep writing!!!
Cheers!!!
Thank you!
Waiting is tortuous, you have saved me from it!