Young Writers Society

Knight Dragon, here to review!

First off, welcome to YWS! Glad to see a new user getting their work up here.

Now, for the review.

Technical:

"A teenage girl set in front of it..."

Typo on your verb. "sat", not "set."

"The person Mary was trying to soothe right now was her best school friend."

I feel like this could perhaps be expressed better. Maybe it's just the "tell" that's bothering me, but I'm not sure.

"She always shared all her negative emotions, which mostly concerned her shattered love, with Mary."

Ambiguous pronoun reference with that first "she". This sentence needs some work, too, because that little "with Mary" on the end of the sentence felt tacked on when I first read it. By the time I'd gotten there, I felt like this was about Mary, and then that sentence made me stop and reevaluate everything.

"“Time to sleep”,-she thought, saying her good-byes to her friend and turning off her computer.-“I need to find myself a friend, a real one, someone I can trust. I am tired of listening to other peoples’ problems; I am not a trash can for their emotions.”"

The thoughts should be in italics, and the hyphens aren't necessary there.

"Suddenly she found herself walking down a long, dark corridor, there was no source of light for some time, but then she caught a glimpse of a faint light ahead of her."

Long sentence, and that second comma is a comma splice. Replace it with a period, capitalize accordingly, and that should help.

"It looked like a decoration from a historical film."

What is the "it" there? The torches? The room? If it's the room, then why does it look like a decoration? And if it's the torches, then why is it singular? That's a really ambiguous reference there.

"“Who’s there?”-,she asked."

Hyphen and comma unnecessary.
A note on dialogue. You don't need hyphens after character quotes. They just clutter up the story, and are redundant. The close quotes serves the exact same purpose, and gets the job done cleanly.

"-his voice was one..."

Hyphen needs to go, and then you need to capitalize "his." All other hyphens attached to dialogue will be ignored unless they're included in a succeeding quote.

"I don’t think so. I do not even now you."

The transition from conjunctions (don't) to spelled out (do not) struck me as odd here. You might have been going for effect, but what came across to me was character inconsistency. In natural speech, humans develop a pattern, or latch onto a phrase they like to use, at least until they discover a new phrase and move on. With contractions, they're easier, and once you get into that groove of using them, it's just easier to use them, and takes effort to go back to drawn out speech. So watch out for your consistency.

"...You want to know who I am? What are you interested in? A name?”"

That transitions really roughly from that first question to the second. I feel like I need some body language in between, some sort of pause so readers can process this. Who is this guy? Why does he seem to know there's a distinction between two worlds, and the fact that "Emer" wouldn't realize there was (or how they got there)?

Also, this is really starting to read like a script instead of a story. Not a bad thing, but I would definitely say that, even if you don't convert this to script, bring back the dialogue tags. They just disappear with this string of questions. This early on, readers need to feel comfortable, and if you drop the dialogue tags, at some point the reader has to go back and count lines to figure out whose talking. So please, adding at least two words (like "he said") goes a long way to shoring up your work.

"from what she could tell, dark hair, blue green eyes, pronounced cheekbones."

This is where you'd need a dash. Replace that first comma with a dash, and the sentence flows much better. Otherwise it stumbles over itself.

"As you wish, my name is Vento, as for other clues concerning my identity; I really think you are smart enough to guess."

Punctuation errors here. First comma needs to be a period. Second comma should probably be a period as well, since otherwise it's (a) a comma splice, and (b) a long sentence. Third, change the semi-colon to a comma. That helps that section flow really well.

"But that really is who I am. A demon."

Style recommendation: change the period to either a dash or a colon. Also, when I read that, the first thought that crossed my mind was "But I thought Emer was supposed to guess." It struck me as a little out of character for a demon that comes across as someone who's going to try very hard to run around in verbal circles and leave you more confused than when you started, yet suddenly he's dispelling the confusion? So either I'm reading his character wrong (which could be totally true), or you might want to work on his initial impression and description a little more.

"You are supposed to be pure evil, why would to help?"

This is where I note that I'm wanting contractions (i.e. "You are" to "You're"). It's been pinging my radar since that first noted difference, but here's why. Formal writing never uses contractions, so when you write a character's speech pattern that way, they come across as extremely formal, and can easily slip into a flat, distant, unrealistic feel. That's what I've arrived at with your Main Character here. She feels very distant and unnaturally objective in a situation that should be more emotionally charged than it is right now. Even if you don't want her to be freaking out in full panic mode, she should still show a little more emotion. Maybe it's just the fact that she's not using contractions that's throwing me off. I'm reading this, mentally editing the words into contractions, but wanting the contractions to actually be there instead.
Also, that's a comma splice. Change to a period, please.
Final thing(s). One, it might just be me, but that accusation of him being "pure" evil came across as a little cliche and even (perhaps) stereotypical. I guess I'm just wanting a little more originality than that. And you're missing a "you want" in the question.
Just realized the last thing (I promise!). The bolded and italicized "help" is unnecessary. I'd just drop it to italics, if that. Be careful how much formatting you do. It can hurt readers' eyes, and when that happens, they either turn critical or turn away.

"And yet you are standing here, talking to me, you are not even scared. May be you are special?"

That second comma is a comma splice. Please change to a period. And typo on "May be"; no space there.

"I am not exactly that pure evil you are talking about."

The phrase "exactly that pure evil" struck me ass odd. One, because I felt that the demon would outright deny it and say "I'm not that evil." Two, because if he's going to say "pure evil", then there should probably be quotation marks around it, since it's a direct quote.

"That’s not it, would you please listen."

Comma splice. Deleting the comma and move the period to its place. Then add a question mark to the vacated location (since "would you please listen" is a question).

"Yes, I do."

Neither bold nor italics help the sentence any there. Just let the words speak for themselves.

"She was growing curiouser and curiouser with every minute."

Maybe that's an intentional allusion to Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, but I'm not sure I'd recommend that. It struck me as off (especially since it's improper English), and I looked it up to make sure it was incorrect (which was how I came across the Alice reference). It's up to you for the final decision.

"She still was not afraid. She wanted to hear what he had to say."

This is the kind of internal emotion I've wanted to see the entire time, not the moment before she finally agrees to listen to the demon. There's no tension! You just threw in the necessary information right before it happened, and that leaves a lot to be desired. Sprinkle this throughout the piece, and build up to it.

"A its copy appeared in her hands."

Minor typo there. I'd say toss the "its" instead of the "a."

“You can keep that”

Another minor typo. You forgot your period.

"And what is one of us breaks the rules?"

Typo on "is" instead of "if", and I'd recommend deleting the "And". It detracts more than it helps right here.

"“Why do I trust him?!” - she thought. But she still could not sense danger"

Thoughts should be in italics. And right here I'm suddenly wondering where your Main Character's brain has gone. They've got buyer's remorse slapping them in the face, and yet they feel no danger? I'm really starting to agree with the demon that Emer isn't really human. No human reacts like that. That one thought would be where the doubts start breaking through, not "Oh, I could die at any second if I break the rules, but oh well, life's a bowl of cherries!"

I really think you'd benefit from layering this piece. That article is undergoing some renovation, but it should still be pretty helpful.

Hope that helps!

Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.

This is a fantastic chapter, I must say. It's intriguing, to-the-point, holds the reader's interest, the descriptions are good... also a clever concept from what I can tell.

The only real faults I noticed were technical ones, which I'll point out now.

“Time to sleep”,-she thought, saying her good-byes to her friend and turning off her computer.-“I need to find myself a friend, a real one, someone I can trust. I am tired of listening to other peoples’ problems; I am not a trash can for their emotions.”

Since this is what she's thinking, and not speaking, I'd swap out the quotation marks for italics. An example:

'Time to sleep, she thought, saying her goodbyes to her friend and turning off her computer. I need to find myself a friend, a real one, someone I can trust. I'm tired of listening to other peoples’ problems; I am not a trash can for their emotions.'

“As you wish, my name is Vento, as for other clues concerning my identity; I really think you are smart enough to guess."

I think you should switch out the comma after "as you wish" for a period, rather than going right into "my name is Vento."

Also, the semicolon there doesn't belong. You could switch it out for a comma, but what I recommend are some dot-dot-dots instead. They're more fun and would give it a bit of a dramatic look.

Here's an example:

"As you wish. My name is Vento, and as for the other clues concerning my identity . . . I really think you're smart enough to guess."

“Oh, really? You are supposed to be pure evil, why would to help?"

I believe "to" should be "you."

A its copy appeared in her hands.

Either "a" or "its," not both.

“You can keep that”

You left out the punctuation at the end of this. Be careful to always add a period, exclamation point, question mark, et cetera when you end a bit of dialogue.

“And what is one of us breaks the rules?”

"Is" should be "if."

Okay, that's all! Besides for the typos and nitpicks, this is a really good start and I'm eager to read the next chapter. ^_^ Great work!