I think the two below me just pointed out all the mistakes, but this chapter has been very intriguing! Despite the progress between the demon and Emer, which seemed a tag too rush! Still! Keep on writing and welcome!
z
CHAPTER 1
The room was dark. The only source of light in it was the laptop screen. A teenage girl set in front of it, typing rapidly: “It will all be fine, you just have to wait, he will realize how wrong he was about you. I am sure he still loves you. You were made for each other.” The answer came immediately: “I am tired of waiting, Mary. I love him so much. I am crying now. Again.”
The person Mary was trying to soothe right now was her best school friend. She always shared all her negative emotions, which mostly concerned her shattered love, with Mary. Mary listened and tried to help, but that was basically the core of their friendship, nothing else held them together. And that troubled Mary a lot.
“Time to sleep”,-she thought, saying her good-byes to her friend and turning off her computer.-“I need to find myself a friend, a real one, someone I can trust. I am tired of listening to other peoples’ problems; I am not a trash can for their emotions.”
She lay in bed, dosing slowly into sleep, thinking that there must be something wrong with her. She could not make herself trust the people she called friends. And that, to her, seemed strange and wrong.
Suddenly she found herself walking down a long, dark corridor, there was no source of light for some time, but then she caught a glimpse of a faint light ahead of her. She continued to walk forward, hoping to find a source of it. As she walked on, the light grew brighter, until finally she reached a spacious room, lit with torches. It looked like a decoration from a historical film. High ceiling, stone arches, a stunningly beautiful pattern on the marble floor. Suddenly, a door opened on the other side of the room, and a considerably tall and thin cloaked figure entered.
“Who’s there?”-,she asked. She was not frightened, only strangely curious. The figure walked closer to her.
“I really thought you summoned me yourself, Emer.”-his voice was one of a fairly young man.
“I don’t think so. I do not even now you. In fact, that is not my name.”
“In this world, that is your name. You want to know who I am? What are you interested in? A name?”
“Well, anything that could give me a clue about why the hell am I here.”
“As you wish, my name is Vento, as for other clues concerning my identity; I really think you are smart enough to guess. By the way, you should really be careful about using those words, you know.”
“Guess? I haven’t even seen your face!”
“Fine, if you think this will help…”
The man lowered the hood of his cloak. He was quite handsome, from what she could tell, dark hair, blue green eyes, pronounced cheekbones. He was relatively young, but still at least 6 years older than her. And he was smiling at her. That is if you can call that freaky, devilish, evil grin a smile.
“You were right, that doesn’t really help. Who do you want me to think you are? A demon? Well, you do have the right name and the grin is nicely done. And the setting is also well-chosen. But other than that, you do not look too convincing.”
“You think so? But that really is who I am. A demon.”
“Really? And you said I called you myself? Why would I? I really thought I am on the side of the angels…”
“Well, you did want to find a friend…”
“Indeed, but I did not ask demons for help. I’d really prefer someone less powerful and evil.”
“And what if I have suddenly decided that I want to help someone, and you were lucky enough to be chosen?”
“Oh, really? You are supposed to be pure evil, why would to help? And me, of all people?! I really do not think I am that special.”
“And yet you are standing here, talking to me, you are not even scared. May be you are special?”
“No, I think you just want to trick me into something. My friendship is no use for you, and yet there must be something you can draw from it… You really wouldn’t bother if there was no obvious profit.”
“Listen, I really do want to help you. I am not exactly that pure evil you are talking about. I have an offer to make.”
“And what is it?”
“A friendship contract.”
“What?! That really reminds me of people selling souls to Satan.”
“That’s not it, would you please listen. All I would want from you is your trust and your loyalty…”
“Loyalty?! Trust?! One minute you tell me you are a demon, the next you are offering me to trust you and be loyal to you! Do you really think I will agree?!”
“Yes, I do. Will you listen, please? I promise I will not try to lure you into anything! It would just be friendship. You really are not that completely human and vulnerable for me to use you for my own purposes without you sensing it.”
She was growing curiouser and curiouser with every minute. She still was not afraid. She wanted to hear what he had to say.
“Fine, I will listen.”
“Finally. Here you go.”
A piece of paper appeared from nowhere, drifting in midair. He continued his speech.
“This is our contract. Here is what I want from you: I want you to trust me. I want you to never betray me. That is all.”
A quill appeared instantly and scribbled those words on the contract with red ink.
“Now what do you want?”
“Me? The same, but I also want you to promise that you will not use me for your evil purposes. And I want this contract to be breakable, without any consequences for both of us. You will not share my secrets or use them against me. Except for if one of us chooses to end the friendship, we will part that instant and never see each other again.”
“That is smart and sound. So you agree?”
“Yes.”
The quill scribbled her words on the paper, too.
“Now we just have to sign it.”
He signed the paper. She hesitated.
“Can I really trust you?”
“Yes”
She made her decision. She signed the paper. A its copy appeared in her hands.
“You can keep that”
She compared the two papers. They were identical.
“Vento?”
“Yes?”
“And what is one of us breaks the rules?”
“The person dies.”
“Why do I trust him?!” - she thought. But she still could not sense danger.
“Till the next time, Emer.”-he said.
She began to fly back to where she came from. The piece of paper in her hands turned to sand and slipped through her fingers grain by grain. She was flying through the corridor now, and the light grew dimmer and dimmer, until it disappeared. She woke up.
I think the two below me just pointed out all the mistakes, but this chapter has been very intriguing! Despite the progress between the demon and Emer, which seemed a tag too rush! Still! Keep on writing and welcome!
Knight Dragon, here to review!
First off, welcome to YWS! Glad to see a new user getting their work up here.
Now, for the review.
Technical:
"A teenage girl set in front of it..."
"The person Mary was trying to soothe right now was her best school friend."
"She always shared all her negative emotions, which mostly concerned her shattered love, with Mary."
"“Time to sleep”,-she thought, saying her good-byes to her friend and turning off her computer.-“I need to find myself a friend, a real one, someone I can trust. I am tired of listening to other peoples’ problems; I am not a trash can for their emotions.”"
"Suddenly she found herself walking down a long, dark corridor, there was no source of light for some time, but then she caught a glimpse of a faint light ahead of her."
"It looked like a decoration from a historical film."
"“Who’s there?”-,she asked."
"-his voice was one..."
"I don’t think so. I do not even now you."
"...You want to know who I am? What are you interested in? A name?”"
"from what she could tell, dark hair, blue green eyes, pronounced cheekbones."
"As you wish, my name is Vento, as for other clues concerning my identity; I really think you are smart enough to guess."
"But that really is who I am. A demon."
"You are supposed to be pure evil, why would to help?"
"And yet you are standing here, talking to me, you are not even scared. May be you are special?"
"I am not exactly that pure evil you are talking about."
"That’s not it, would you please listen."
"Yes, I do."
"She was growing curiouser and curiouser with every minute."
"She still was not afraid. She wanted to hear what he had to say."
"A its copy appeared in her hands."
“You can keep that”
"And what is one of us breaks the rules?"
"“Why do I trust him?!” - she thought. But she still could not sense danger"
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here for a review.
This is a fantastic chapter, I must say. It's intriguing, to-the-point, holds the reader's interest, the descriptions are good... also a clever concept from what I can tell.
The only real faults I noticed were technical ones, which I'll point out now.
“Time to sleep”,-she thought, saying her good-byes to her friend and turning off her computer.-“I need to find myself a friend, a real one, someone I can trust. I am tired of listening to other peoples’ problems; I am not a trash can for their emotions.”
“As you wish, my name is Vento, as for other clues concerning my identity; I really think you are smart enough to guess."
“Oh, really? You are supposed to be pure evil, why would to help?"
A its copy appeared in her hands.
“You can keep that”
“And what is one of us breaks the rules?”
Points: 0
Reviews: 172
Donate