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Adroit

by jeanluc


“Please!” – Her red lipstick parted from her lips as she begged: begged for not only her life, but the life of her newly acquainted stranger. Her usual silvery voice was hoarse from the fully air-conditioned room, and her drawn on eyebrows had dispersed itself over her moist blue eyes. She had never cried so much in her life; yet alone she had never been through this before. “I can’t do this!”-she cried. Her blonde hair covered her face as she dropped her head in despair. “Tut tut…look at you Viktoria…crying like a whore? No no no…this is too simple to cry for Vikt. This is too great; an opportunity to kill is something…something you should…what’s the word? Ahh… yes anticipate…you should anticipate it… not dread or avoid such an opportunity! No, No, No Viktoria”- She was too weak to riposte: she no longer had the energy to kick and scream and spit disgust: she was simply worn-out with dehydration and worn out with the pain of living. She had a feeling that desperation would work against her conscience, that with time, she would simply drive the 24 cm long bowie knife into the neck of her newly acquainted stranger. The Bowie knife, ‘a large butcher knife’, had been previously demonstrated, passionately, to Viktoria by her mad abductor-“As you can see, it has no clip point nor any hand guard, and a simple riveted wood scale handle…good to cut head with ya know…that’s why this baby here has earned me some reputation; they call me Adroit back home ya know.” – He’s large tanned hand, accompanied by the tattoo of a chess piece, grabbed the knife with such electricity that Viktoria felt her muscle relax completely; preparing for the cold silver knife to penetrate. An ‘ax crazy’ man Viktoria thought. An eccentric; a power driven mad man capable of terrifying his victims into death with nothing more than his deep, wary, green eyes. “Five minutes” he’s harsh Russian accent emphasized his point in a dramatic way that demanded results so immediately. “Five minutes before I kill her myself, then feed you her organs in little pieces.”- He rolled his R’s and spoke in an unusual monotonous nasal voice; which warned you of his seriousness. “Five minutes! When I come back I want her head in here.” He kicked the bucket towards Viktoria producing a rattling sound which echoed against the sound of the ever so flowing air-conditioning machine. Followed by the sudden slam of the acoustic foamed metal door; the echo quickly absorbed.


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Sat Jul 24, 2021 10:35 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

“Please!” – Her red lipstick parted from her lips as she begged: begged for not only her life, but the life of her newly acquainted stranger. Her usual silvery voice was hoarse from the fully air-conditioned room, and her drawn on eyebrows had dispersed itself over her moist blue eyes. She had never cried so much in her life; yet alone she had never been through this before. “I can’t do this!”-she cried. Her blonde hair covered her face as she dropped her head in despair. “Tut tut…look at you Viktoria…crying like a whore? No no no…this is too simple to cry for Vikt. This is too great; an opportunity to kill is something…something you should…what’s the word? Ahh… yes anticipate…you should anticipate it… not dread or avoid such an opportunity! No, No, No Viktoria”- She was too weak to riposte: she no longer had the energy to kick and scream and spit disgust: she was simply worn-out with dehydration and worn out with the pain of living. She had a feeling that desperation would work against her conscience, that with time, she would simply drive the 24 cm long bowie knife into the neck of her newly acquainted stranger. The Bowie knife, ‘a large butcher knife’, had been previously demonstrated, passionately, to Viktoria by her mad abductor-“As you can see, it has no clip point nor any hand guard, and a simple riveted wood scale handle…good to cut head with ya know…that’s why this baby here has earned me some reputation; they call me Adroit back home ya know.” – He’s large tanned hand, accompanied by the tattoo of a chess piece, grabbed the knife with such electricity that Viktoria felt her muscle relax completely; preparing for the cold silver knife to penetrate. An ‘ax crazy’ man Viktoria thought. An eccentric; a power driven mad man capable of terrifying his victims into death with nothing more than his deep, wary, green eyes. “Five minutes” he’s harsh Russian accent emphasized his point in a dramatic way that demanded results so immediately. “Five minutes before I kill her myself, then feed you her organs in little pieces.”- He rolled his R’s and spoke in an unusual monotonous nasal voice; which warned you of his seriousness. “Five minutes! When I come back I want her head in here.” He kicked the bucket towards Viktoria producing a rattling sound which echoed against the sound of the ever so flowing air-conditioning machine. Followed by the sudden slam of the acoustic foamed metal door; the echo quickly absorbed.


Okay..starting things off here with a little talk of paragraphs..because well while one paragraph starts like this do work occasionally, this is one of those cases where having the entire thing as a single lump of text in one paragraph is not a great idea. The flow of the story is broken and it just is generally a little hard to read because of that here...soo...it would be a good idea to split this up into at least three or four paragraphs here.

Well, moving right past the whole paragraph thing and into the content of things here, we've got an interesting start, some sneaky descriptions snuck in their quite well without them feeling like descriptions. Reading further into this thing...it looks like we have ourselves a pretty dangerous situation here with lots of threats being tossed around and quite casually too at that...not to mention those are some pretty serious and rather gruesome threats there.

On the whole a very interesting little scene here, definitely gets your attention quite quickly and keeps it locked on quite well with what's happening here. It seems to be the type of story that I would in fact read here. :D

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Jan 07, 2014 11:55 am
devigonewild wrote a review...



Hi there!
Here is your review that you asked for, I'm afraid it's going to have to be a short one since I have to be off the internet in a few minutes o_o
First off, I really enjoyed reading this! Viktoria - the name sounds so different and rustic which is what I like about it.
You haven't described her or the current setting very well though, so I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, but from the way you wrote I am guessing she is kidnapped and held in a room somewhere? Anyway.
Some separating into paragraphs would've made this nice to read, so you might want to do that. Also start a new line every time somebody speaks, and watch your punctuation a little as it's rusty in some places.
This part seems a little bit strange to me:

"He kicked the bucket towards Viktoria producing a rattling sound which echoed against the sound of the ever so flowing air-conditioning machine. Followed by the sudden slam of the acoustic foamed metal door; the echo quickly absorbed."

I don't think you need a full stop after machine ^^ It would sound much more nicely flowed. Anyway, I have to go. Just watch out on your punctuation and your paragraphing, and everything should go nicely! Apologies for this being rushed; hope you have a nice day, and I can't wait to read more!

{{ --scarlett-- }}




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Tue Jan 07, 2014 11:54 am
Renard wrote a review...



Ok so this work is very short. In its duration however, it is very dramatic. The first thing I would comment on when reading is that it is one lumped together piece of text. I would really recommend splitting the writing into different paragraphs.
Not only is this proper formatting, but it also makes the piece a lot more appealing to the reader. It looks less daunting.
As for the actual content I like his story. You open with some great description of your character: ‘usual silvery voice was hoarse from…’
Also, I must comment on the title because it fits the themes and characters brilliantly. Nice 
This has a very unusual language style to it, as with: ‘The Bowie knife, ‘a large butcher knife’… I think it is because of the level of detail. However, I would watch the consistency on the capital letters for the Bowie knife thing.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this piece, but I cannot see exactly what more you would do with it. It is very much an exposition and very heavily character driven.
Good work.




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Thu Jan 02, 2014 1:14 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...



Hey there,

Dreamy here to review. "Adroit" I don't know what it means but it is simply intriguing. I like what you have shown in this post. Your descriptions about the girl, the scene and the stranger are good.This piece needs editing. Like the punctuations, and very simple grammatical mistakes, let me point it out for you,

her lips as she begged: begged for not only her life


The colons in that sentence is just kind of spoiling the originality of the feel, I don't know if it can be replaced. Just have a look at that one.

And you need to look into formatting, leaving gap between the dialogues and your narration will be really appreciable because it appears messy and conjoint.

Other than that, I really liked your work and the plot. I can't wait to see what happens next. Good luck!

Keep writing!

Cheers!!! :D




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Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:35 pm
supernb wrote a review...



Hey Jeanluc,
Firstly, wishing you a very happy new year!
I liked your worked. I was really absorbed into the story!
I liked how you described every minute detail of the story so vividly. While reading i could actually picture the scene in my mind. This requires great talent and you definitely possess it. I especially loved the way you described the state of the girl in the beginning and the description at the end:

"Please!” – Her red lipstick parted from her lips as she begged: begged for not only her life, but the life of her newly acquainted stranger. Her usual silvery voice was hoarse from the fully air-conditioned room, and her drawn on eyebrows had dispersed itself over her moist blue eyes. She had never cried so much in her life; yet alone she had never been through this before. “I can’t do this!”-she cried. Her blonde hair covered her face as she dropped her head in despair."

"He kicked the bucket towards Viktoria producing a rattling sound which echoed against the sound of the ever so flowing air-conditioning machine. Followed by the sudden slam of the acoustic foamed metal door; the echo quickly absorbed."

You have made great use of punctuation. A wonderful story line which manages to draw the attention of it's readers. i loved your story! Simply enthralling. Keep up the good work and i hope to read more of your works :)
--supernb




jeanluc says...


Looking good so far :P all positive! Well thank you, most appreciated.



supernb says...


your welcome ^_^




I will call them my people, which were not my people; and her beloved, which was not beloved.
— Romans 9:25