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The Pack - Chapter Four - Newt

by SushiSashimi333, Sonder


http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=104945 (chapter three)

I roll my eyes, looking up at the bright yellow orb in the sky known as the sun. I hate it. In science terms it does everything for us: allows plants to grow, keeps us warm, all kinds of crap, but then you wonder, where is the sun during the winter? I see it but I'm still freezing my ass off. Where is the sun when all the crops die and we starve? I don't know, perhaps it just got lazy. Whatever the reason I can't stand someone who doesn't pull their own weight. So it makes sense to assume that crouching in the bushes, listening to some morons in the middle of a study session goofing off, is just outright irritating to me.

I know this is a rather strange subject for me to be worrying about, considering the fact that I'm hacking into top secret government files and all, but still, those who don't pull their own weight don't deserve any reward. At least I do my share of work, and in doing so deserve the information I happen to be looking for at that specific time. That's my reasoning anyways.

It's twisted, I know, but so am I.

I smirk as the cursor on the computer screen before me changes to show the fact that it's loading. Good. Soon the secrets of the lab will be all mine. Then I just might be able to figure out what's going on with my body. Lately some strange things have overcome me, I've been taken by spasms all throughout my body at the most random of times. My dreams have been plagued with colors that change so fast they might cause seizures. I want to stop them, and hopefully this will tell me how.

A PDF file pops up, containing pictures and scientific logs. Pictures of butchered creatures and broken bodies color the numerous pages, turning my stomach. I knew they were doing awful things, but this wasn't what I had had in mind.

I keep scrolling until I come upon a picture of a girl. She looks to be around my age, maybe a little older, with hair so blonde it's almost white. She's beautiful, but there's something off about here. She's held in a capsule containing liquids of who knows what that makes her skin appear almost translucent. To the right of the picture is a caption with only four figures. 5823.

She's only sixteen.

I bite my lip, trying to keep myself from crying out in anguish. She’s so young! How could they stand to look at themselves in the mirror knowing what monsters they were?! Keeping someone locked up their whole life was one thing, but marking them as property, like they weren’t even a human! That’s crossing the line.

Scrolling down the page a little further I can taste blood on my tongue. There's yet another picture, this time of a boy a couple years my senior. His number is the same as the girl's but backwards. Even with his eyes closed he has this wolfish look about him. As a girl might say, he has a rugged charm about him. A mop of black hair floats around his face, adding to the wildness of his appearance. Long scars mar his back.

I scroll down a little further, more blood flowing from my lip. The next picture is that of a boy about the same age as the one from before, around 18 or 19. He has a tall and lanky figure marked by scars, but not as many as the wolfish guy. Just two thin lines run down from his shoulder blades creating a giant "V". His nose is a little on the long side making it look almost like the beak of a bird.

His number is 1604. It's like a brand labeling us as goods. As a piece of property. As a thing. I almost throw the computer when another photograph catches my eye.

A young Asian boy with purple streaked hair is floating in a capsule just like all the others. Bony arms wrap around his equally bony legs forming the fetal position. His rib cage is easily visible through his pale, almost translucent skin. Open eyes stare vacantly at nothing, a deep brown so dark that it feels like you're choking. Chills run down my spine as a sick realization dawns on me.

This is me.

Thousands of questions immediately start to form in my mind. Why am I in a test tube? Why am I not wearing any clothes? Did they do something to me? If so, then what was it? There are thousands more, but they're too fast for me to register. I need to focus. I can't afford to make any rash decisions, everything from here on out should be thought through slowly, and carefully.

I want, so badly, to return to the lab and see if they're there, but I know that wouldn't end well. Even if I did manage to find them, the government would be on me like mosquitoes to blood. Instead I should focus on finding out as much information as possible. Maybe then I'll be able to predict the others' whereabouts.

I quickly skim through the paragraphs next to their pictures of information about them, memorizing it as I go. The girl had been tortured and branded with her number whereas the others, like me, had escaped before that happened to them. The bird guy had a height of 6' 3", he wouldn't be too hard to pick out in a crowd, but the wolf boy. He would be the real problem.

It wasn't the fact that he was inconspicuous; he was indeed eye-catching. It’s more of his report that worried me. Through the many tests that the lab had run, he was shown to have superior strength and speed along with wolf-like senses. So in other words he was like a wolf in human's skin. This was not going to be easy.

Beside one of the reports they had a picture of him on all fours, nose stuck up in the air like a dog. His eyes looked wild and empty, not a sign of humanity in them. Grease weighed down his dirty hair and dark circles accented his eyes, giving him an almost feral look.

'Subject 3285 has shown superior in all testings of physical capabilities and senses. It is lacking in mental ability, but that can be easily fixed with some tweaking. It has trouble holding on to prior knowledge when having its memory wiped, regressing back to its beastly state. It's reactions to chemical...'

This boy isn't a human. He was grown in a test tube, his DNA meddled with beyond repair. So what does that say about me? My stomach turns as the realization dawns on me. How long have I been "alive"? What awful experiments have they done on me? Are my emotions even my own?

The information is right in front of me. With just a flick of the mouse I can find out if I am real or not. But do I really want to know the answer? What if I don't like what I find? What if I am just a mannequin made for the sole purpose of experimentation?

I scroll down, hoping that I might find out something about the lab instead of myself. My eyes run across every line, searching for any indication of what they had been planning to do with us. A black and white photo of a man catches my eye. Under it is a caption, reading, George Ross, 1974-2020. George Ross. Who was that?

Opening a new window, I type in a quick search and open the first three links that pop up.

George Ross was a famous scientist, more widely known for biochemical engineering. His first success was when he was but twenty-two, still a student at the University of Phoenix. I skip to the next article. The ability to merge DNA's of different animals, also known as the process of simulcells, was one of Dr. Ross' very first achievements. I skip again. Ross was known as a very avid civil rights activist, even going as far to visit South Africa and promote racial equality...

So that was it. All these articles are dated, but the fact that he discovered how to merge the cells of animals remains. What if somehow, he had also found a way to merge humans and animals? Obviously he had, or else I probably wouldn't be here. But what did the government want with us?

Whatever it was, Ross obviously didn't agree on giving it to the government. He died fairly young while still in seemingly good health. Someone dispatched of him.

The thought sends shivers down my spine. I need to find out more, not only about Ross, but about my abilities. What would the foreign DNA do to my body? What animal do I share my DNA with? Where were the others?

I need to find them before they show the government where they're hiding. The only question is, where to start? I close my laptop and stand from behind the school shrubs, not caring to look and see if the coast is clear. I have more important things to worry about than a grumpy school teacher, scolding me for not being in class.

"And just what do you think you're doing here?" A voice addresses me. It's deep and hoarse.

I look up. One down, two more to go.


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Sun Jan 26, 2014 12:29 am
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Okay, so now you have answered the questions that I asked in the last review.

Therefore, please disregard them. They are now obsolete or whatever other fancy word you can think of that means, "Unimportant".


Now I have something to attach to the characters. I feel better.

I have to say, this sickens me a little. Not the story, but the testing. Because you know that somewhere in the world, this is really happening. There are really people like that who mess with things that shouldn't be messed with. It's just wrong.

The fact that people do it is wrong, you're story isn't wrong. I love the fiction and hate the reality.

This is kind of like the Maximum Ride series, in my opinion. Only with animal DNA instead of birds.

And since, the Ride series is one of my favorites, naturally this is too.

Happy writing!




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Sun Dec 29, 2013 4:03 am
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there! I'm here with a review, as requested. :D Yup, I got there.

Okay, so my first warning here would be, once more, to watch the gruesome details. Here is an example of a problem area:

A young Asian boy with purple streaked hair is floating in a capsule just like all the others. Bony arms wrap around his equally bony legs forming the fetal position. His rib cage is easily visible through his pale, almost translucent skin. Open eyes stare vacantly at nothing, a deep brown so dark that it feels like you're choking. Chills run down my spine as a sick realization dawns on me.


This passage, I feel, is overdone. The description is too long and too dramatic. It's so dark that it becomes unreal and superficial to the reader. Maybe a description out of a more human perspective could be better? This one is perhaps more in the character's voice:

It's me, but I'm thinner—much thinner. Even my skin looks see-through. My eyes are unfocussed, dark and vacant. So dark. They've always been that way.

This helps connect the weird picture with the current storyline in a way, and carries over the picture without getting too flowery.



Good. Soon the secrets of the lab will be all mine.

Put an evil cackle after that and it might be the bad guy speaking! Watch your internal dialogues so that they display truly unique characters. If you utilise the beauties of the first person, these internal dialogues give the reader a glimpse into the character's mysterious mind! Therefore, be sure to make each character's internal dialogue characteristic, and it'll skyrocket your character development.
I really liked his rant about people "not pulling their weight". That's something you can re-incorporate into the novel at a later stage—get him to grouch at someone about it or so.



On the other side of the fence, your plot is steaming! That final line was beautiful. I suggest you remove the "more", though, as it breaks the flow of that knockout-punch.

Now get out there and get writing! I want to see another chapter before end-January. Stick it on my wall, please, or I might miss it!

barefoot




SushiSashimi333 says...


I'll definitely do what I can ^^ You made some excellent points, I'll do my best to fix them and read a little more into my writing. Thanks again :D



Sonder says...


Wow, thanks, these are great points! :)



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Sun Dec 29, 2013 3:54 am
Messenger wrote a review...



The Messenger here to do my first review. So!

OK I immediately realized that this was written much unlike the other chapters. And I mean that in a very good way. What is does was really show us that Newt is a lot different than the other characters we've read of, so far. It is something that can be pretty hard to do, and you did it very well.

I have to agree with others on the hacking parts. I'm no expert but I would look a little more into it and find out a few things about it. I definitely don't think that Newt could do it from his laptop. And the bushes part confused me as well. Also, I don't get why he is in school, or how he got out of the testing place. I hope those secrets will be revealed.

The very ending made no sense to me. I am really confused as to the "One down, two more to go. " part, and also think you could shorten it to "One down, to to go." Just one less word but it picks up the adrenaline. I am sure most of these things shall be explained in time so I won't harbor on them any longer.

One thing I want to say is that while you have already had five characters so far, a new one on each chapter, and you have expressed each one differently as you should, this is starting to get confusing. Just try to make sure everyone remembers who the previous characters are. And build them up as defined characters early on. Then, even if you do leave them for several chapters, everyone will still remember distinctly who they are. And, although I like long books, and I like intriguing books, don't leave so many unanswered questions for very much longer. Start dropping little hints here and there. Readers may lose interest if it is just the same thing over and over. I think this chapter really did help me start understanding what's going on.

Hope this helps!
Keep it up!




SushiSashimi333 says...


Yeah, you make good points. I guess we kind of just overdid this a little bit. I'll try and fix it.



Sonder says...


Thanks Messenger. I agree with you, we will try to fix it. :)



Messenger says...


it waaaaaaaas getting so gooood



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Tue Dec 24, 2013 12:40 am
RoachRedford! wrote a review...



This piece is pretty intriguing, it's convinced me to go back and read the previous chapters to see what's going on!

Overall, the piece needs just a little revision. There is a bit of tense confusion throughout where you ump back and forth between past and present tense, sometimes even in the one sentence. It just stunts the pace of the piece.

Furthermore to dragonfpheonix's point about PDFs, you should be really careful about introducing a 'hacking' sequence into a piece without knowing what you're talking about. If this lab really is a top-secret government facility, it would be a mammoth and dangerous undertaken to get into its intranet remotely from a personal computer. You should do some research into how hacking works, placing trojans, worms and things like that. This piece kind of implies that the main character used a brute-force hack, which would probably take years on a government system like the ones I've seen before.

Also, why is he crouching in bushes at a school to hack a secret government system? Would a nice, quiet (but still inconspicuous) like a library be less likely to arouse suspicion? Just a thought. Finally, I think the sun does more than pull its weight! Without it the Earth would be a very sad place to live!

Looking forward to the next chapter!




Sonder says...


Thanks for the review! We will take those tips into account. :)



SushiSashimi333 says...


Yes! Thanks so much for the review :D We shall get to work on those right away (meaning sometime...) Hey, could you do me a favor and um.... tell me what hacking looks like? I've seen it in movies, but I have no idea what any of those things would be called. Oh! Also we originally had it in a library (XD) but the whole thing was blocking my flow and it died... I have to agree with you on the sun XD Newt just happens to be very, very pessimistic :p



RoachRedford! says...


Hacking doesn't really look like anything, most of the time. It's a pretty boring and uneventful undertaking in the real world. Depending on how it works, it's usually messy and not pretty to look at, and will provide root access to a network, text documents could possibly be shown but images and such would be very difficult to access due to their file size in comparison.

"Hacking" never gets you onto a normal desktop with normal computer capabilities, it's breaking in to a system through an exploited back door, so your options are limited. The more data you try to access without real permissions, the more danger you're in of being detected or hitting a dead end.

A more realistic option for what you've described would be that the main character has perhaps managed to trick an employee of this lab into unknowingly installing a program that lets him track keystrokes, gain a legitimate login for the server, and have full, unadulterated access. This isn't hacking, but it is getting maximum information.



SushiSashimi333 says...


@_@ and you have just blown my mind. I really do appreciate the help, really! I just dunno how I'm gonna pull this off. *brain explodes* Grif can take over now.



RoachRedford! says...


If you ever need advice/more explanation I'm happy to help with all things computers/military as far as writing authenticity goes. Let me know if you need anything else :) Merry Christmas!



SushiSashimi333 says...


Thanks so much!!!! Also MERRY CHRISTMAS right back :D :D :D :D :D



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Mon Dec 23, 2013 8:10 pm
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

" In science terms it does everything for us"

In "scientific" terms sounds better. My mind just sort of stalled on "science terms."

"I don't know, perhaps it just got lazy."

This is a comma splice. I would recommend breaking these up into two sentences (although a semi-colon could work, I think two sentences would be better).

"Lately some strange things have overcome me, I've been taken by spasms all throughout my body at the most random of times."

I'm thinking this was an accidental comma splice.

"A PDF file pops up, containing pictures and scientific logs."

Two things. One, PDF file is redundant, since PDF stands for Public Domain File (it's like saying an ATM machine), but I would say technically acceptable by common usage, and two, a PDF? So this top secret organization doesn't have their own personal code and file system, and on top of that saves their highly prized and definitely should not be made public data in a file type that can be accessed by everybody (hence the name "PUBLIC DOMAIN file"). I would recommend changing that. Quickly, before they find you. ;)

"...knowing what monsters they were?!"

This may just be me, but I'm not a huge fan of mixing end marks. And I think the exclamation point would be understood and perhaps the mental reading tone would insert the heightened emotions on its own. It's just something a reader understands, that something like this deserves a level of shock and sympathy and outrage.

"a deep brown so dark that it feels like you're choking."

This could be better as "it looked like he was choking." I found the transition to second person here a little out of place and rough to read.

(As a side note, I just watched the Matrix last night, and am really wanting to hand your MC a copy of the disk. Perhaps in bad tastes and maybe not applicable, but still... Anyway, on with the review.)

"The girl had been tortured and branded with her number whereas the others"

There should be a comma between "number" and "whereas." Otherwise this is a run-on and jostles the reading flow.

"The bird guy had a height of 6' 3", he wouldn't be too hard to pick out in a crowd, but the wolf boy."

This is one long comma splice (there are two of them). I would recommend making all the commas periods, and then that last period into ellipses. It gives it more of a thought-flow feeling to it that way.

"It wasn't the fact that he was inconspicuous; he was indeed eye-catching"

This may just be me, but I felt like the "he was indeed eye-catching" deserved to be in parentheses for this sentence. Style choice, but a change I'd recommend.

"Subject 3285 has shown superior in all testings of physical capabilities and senses...It's reactions to chemical"

"has shown" is needing something, a comparison of sorts. Like, "has shown himself superior to the other subjects in all...".
And with "It's reaction to chemical...", the apostrophe needs to go. Its is the possessive form.

"even going as far to visit South Africa...

This should be "even going as far as visiting South Africa."

"cells of animals remains..."

There should be an apostrophe after "animals" to show the possessive.

And...cue highly irritating ending that doesn't tell me anything beyond the fact that someone's talking to him. Gr.....

Hope this helps!




Sonder says...


Thanks for the points, dragon. We will look into that.



SushiSashimi333 says...


And we learned what splices were too :D




A thing of beauty is a joy forever; its loveliness increases...
— John Keats