NEW Authors note: My old me was an idiot. This episode is going to get some major editing. I don't know what I was thinking, but I had an urge to turn this into some war thriller. I am not going to edit this terrible chapter any time soon, so please bear with it and don't let it ruin the rest of the serial (and the next season) for you.
Episode Twelve: Hero of War
Session #4
‘NO. I hate this. I always hated it. All those times I pretend it wasn’t so bad but that one time really pushed it for me.’
‘June, Dr. Shino came all the way here to help you.’
‘I assure you that one time was an honest mistake, I made sure to double check the measure to ensure it doesn’t happen again.’
‘Just this one time June. Last time? I bought some unique material for Shino to try as well.’
‘Fine...’
‘Ok, just get comfortable and we will hook you up.’
‘We have been discussing your results and your behaviour in life in general, and we decided that the problem isn’t what we expected. ‘
‘Yes, your father is correct. We think that it is rather a particular problem than a general problem.’
‘Particular?’
‘Yes, and that is a very good thing, son. It means it’s only for him.’
‘What? Wait... what! Where did you get those photographs! What the hell! You bastard! How dare you.’
‘Please June, they’re just ordinary photographs, not crude or demeaning. ‘
‘No! When did you do this? Who took these!? And old ones too...’
‘Your favourites indeed hmm June? And your mother took these new ones. You know how she loves photography and has a camera and everything.’
‘For this purpose? She wouldn’t! Did she even know!? YOU ARE WRONG ANYWAY. You don’t understand. It’s not like that. You are wrong.’
‘June...’
‘NO. You are not damn electrocuting me to that! Hell no. Not to him.’
‘Shock. Not electrocute.’
‘Shut up!’
‘Don’t talk to Shino like that June.’
‘It’s alright I understand he is sentimental over this...’
‘Which absolutely proves his particular problem.’
‘Now we planned to-’
‘NO. No. no...’
‘He’s not co-operating. He hasn’t changed the picture yet.’
‘He’s getting a constant shock. He will have to change it sooner or later.’
‘Well if he can last out this long if it goes on too long we might have to turn it off, we can’t risk-’
‘We can’t let him win! That’s the whole point of the procedure.’
‘...next...’
‘See, my point exactly. Good.’
‘...please no more...’
‘Just a couple more June.’
‘No. ahh! GO TO HELL.’
-
‘I’m so sorry Shino, did he damage your equipment?’
‘Uh... it shouldn’t be too bad. I feel guilty for this trouble, besides, I’m sure I can cover it-’
‘Take amendments. I am afraid we probably won’t be attending the sessions any longer.’
‘I understand.’
~
The ghost has crawled onto my skin. It sits on my arms, legs and torso, making my body tingle. The holes in the fabric expose eyes of smooth skin to the rushing air. I am soaring, in the belly of the great bird. I float across the white ocean, mesmerized by the sensation of the height. The world is beautiful and I am invincible.
My eyes itch at the numbers and characters of a small card that has been placed in my hand. The person who had handed it to me had done so with a single set of instructions. Memorize everything you see on this card, and when you have done so, be it days or weeks, give it back to us. It is hard to concentrate on reading what it says, for I am sitting outside at the makeshift airport. The noise of the aircraft and the heavy whipping of my hair from the wind is distracting.
We are finally cued inside the long rounded building. Their are uniformed men busily moving between doors; they do not give us a second glance but instead keep their eyes fixated exactly on where they have been. I feel a nudge at my hip.
“Let me pack those for you.” The officer whom had escorted me here attached the tanto I had recognized from my desk to my hip. He then gently pins the most detailed colours to my collar. I find my fingers tracing the blade handle as we progress inside the bowels of the building. Eventually I am seated in a plain grey steel room. A European woman with light red hair and a sharp nose, is sitting opposite me. She is smiling in a very familiar way.
“Safe trip home Akira...” She barely whispers under her breath, just loud enough for me to catch. We sit like this for several moment before her expression folds over into stone. I notice she holds a stack of cards, just like the men had used, when she knocks them on the table to order them in place. Her nails are long and painted white. When she speaks again it is obvious her Japanese is very broken but her accent is not English or French.
“Mr. Kozuki.” She says politely. “I assume this is the first time we meet.” She extends a hand to me and I tentatively take it in a shake, aware of the white talons. I open my mouth to ask a question but she reaches the answer before I even recognise the words in my own head.
“Do be assured, we sent word and news of your well being to your family long ago. They are completely aware of your situation and we assume they will be delighted to see...” She uses her palm to gesture toward my stomach before inhaling heavily.
“What of my family?” I ask, closing the loop. “They worry for me?”
The woman let her eyes fall to the cards and continued her speech.
“When you first arrived here you asked us something very particular. You wanted answers. You wanted to know about your situation and how you can overcome your time paradox.”
I nod.
“From what we have surveyed of you, it seems you have been accepting chronological events as they come and go, your actions as well as even your own thoughts being able to affect the outcome of your future- our past. However this within itself is not the most remarkable thing.” She flipped her cards and wiped something from her eye before continuing.
“We have determined that with your own awareness of reality, you are untouchable. Unstoppable. Immortal. It is truly the most remarkable thing we have ever encountered.”
My brain switches off if only for a second, soaking in the words. The woman’s words carry but I somehow hear it in Junes voice. Junes memory.
‘It is impossible to jump up out of the water like that.’
‘Some people, if they learn of you, they will use you for themselves.’
I clench my fist. That was the past though. The future. It happened after the current events, it was impossible for June to be referring to these people. I had noticed in general if I was going to ask a question, the other seemed to simply read my mind, but the incident with the bridge seemed like a one-off... within my knowledge at least.
“Who are you?”
“We are a elite Axis military operatives, that is all I can tell you. I represent a small branch and a widely unknown one in the scope of things. I was told that your existence was ridiculous and in turn was ridiculed for pursuing it. But it has delivered well.”
I sit in silence. I assume my questions will only slow things down, I will wait for her to explain.
“We have received news of results to our liking. So let me tell you this now; you willingly co-operated with us and saved the lives of hundreds of soldiers, thousands of people in total. You are a hero, Akira.
Hero. The use of the word distracts me on picking up the use of my familiar name. It had allured me for so long now. It was all I wanted.
I listen to the woman and drink in her words. The more I hear, the more eager and inspired I feel. It builds up a tension in my body that will not leave. The anticipation lasts the whole morning, and the entire day after that. It does not finally erupt until the day they call me up to send me off.
This day feels strange in general. The people I have come to be more familiar with are behaving in an agitated manner. The woman in particular, her name I can never get my tongue around, is discussing hushed notices with the other officers.
“But it hasn’t worked. How do we know it will work? Will the news change? Our memories change?”
“No... Akira has reported successful so do we have a reason not to believe him?”
The two turn and smile at me, then she hands me a folded sheet of instructions before patting my arm as I board my aircraft.
We fly for a long time. Much longer than the initial journey. The thrill of being in the air has died considerable, so sitting idle makes me more anxious about the situation. I read over the instructions dozens... no hundreds of times. The entire procedure is embedded in my head. There are a particular set of words which re-occur throughout the text and appear at the bottom in bold.
Do not be fearful. Do no hesitate. No-one can stop you.
~
End of Season One.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Sadly, I'm a bit late for this to be a Green Room review, but it's still Review Day, so I'll see what I can add.
Overall, I think you've done a good job so far with the dialogue-only portion of this, but here it starts to fall apart. I'm unclear about who's saying what here. It seems like one of the men (Shino?) wants to stop the treatment, while the other (the father?) wants to keep going at any cost (until the equipment breaks).
Some grammar stuff because I'm feeling picky:
Whom should be who. It's confusing, but the officer is the subject here, so who is correct (Source
No comma needed.
This is interesting...have we seen evidence of this in the story so far? I recall only the other way around, like when he told Kaho about the air raids (that's influencing their future, his past). Still, this seems plausible. If normal people can affect their own future, it seems like Akira could affect his, even though it's "the past".
This seems a bit over-the-top to me, and potentially leading our MC into the "Chosen One" archetype/cliche. I suppose some of this is obvious (he has a set death date when he is "born" so he is essentially immortal), but "bending science" sounds like a bit much. Plus, it's been established already that there are others like him so it seems strange that this woman says he's so remarkable.
Of course, I just realized this might be intentional, to boost Akira's confidence before he does whatever crazy things he's about to do/has done. In that case, it must work.
Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter and I'm very curious to see how the military uses their super-human. Keep writing!
"it's been established already that there are others like him"
No it hasn't. There are no others like him.
And yeah I didn't really want to put that physics thingy in but then I remembered the bridge thing, so I was divided.
Oh I see my mistake. In Ch.11 I thought the people coming to get him were like him, but my memory sucks, apparently.
I think I'm going to drop that physics thing.
Let's address the opening criticism. This work is not as you put it, 'terrible.'
Now the actual work.
In the italics section...
This addition is a really good idea because it gives the reader chance to get inside the different characters heads'.
In the main body (non-italics section)
Being picky: 'cued' is this supposed to be 'queued' ????
'Do not be fearful. Do no hesitate. Act with intent and the knowledge that no-one can harm you. No-one can hurt you. No-one can stop you. ' This is a really bold way to finish. Pardon the pun. XD
I really liked this as a nice round off to the series. You have pushed your characters through some very confusing stages to have them come out the other side, ready to head into another 'adventure' so to speak.
I don't understand why you have to be so critical of your own work when clearly, it is well written and entertaining for the reader.
I really enjoyed this series. And I am looking forward to seeing what happens with it in the future.
Queue means 'to line up'
Cue is to give a signal
I think. I can't remember which one was meant because I can't rember what I wrote.
Hey there! Converse here for a review!
So:
Have a good holiday!
Good piece of writing, at the start, I didn't really know what was going on at first, but that's my fault as I haven't read the previous ones!
So, let's get started.
A couple of mistakes easy to correct:
"I somehow hear it in Junes voice. Junes memory"
These should have apostrophes as they belong to June.
"I somehow hear it in June's voice. June's memory"
And:
"Their are uniformed men"
Should be "there" as "their" means it belongs to someone So:
"There are uniformed men"
Those are all the mistakes I spotted, so let's get cracking on the good stuff!
"float across the white ocean, mesmerized by the sensation of the height"
This has a good description in it, but I bet you could add some more in throughout the piece. The reader gets a good idea of the scene in this piece, so good work!
The end was also most intriguing, I must read more when I have the time!
-CFG