Eight year old J.J. Spencer was running around the grass pretending to be an airplane. She was the sole heiress to a fortune worth millions. She lived in a closed, gated community that was known for its security. Her nanny had left her playing in a park while she had wandered off to smoke.
I was watching from a park bench set under a tree. . It had taken a couple weeks of stake-out to establish J.J.’s entire schedule. To find the weaknesses. All it had taken to get into the park was a few well-placed bribes and some false IDs. It had been surprisingly easy to impersonate a resident of the community. My three piece suit felt stiff and unnatural. The puppy I had brought with me was squirming. I was pretending to be absorbed in my phone, but I was really watching her, waiting for her to notice me.
She turned her head, gasped, and ran over.
“A puppy! Can I pet it? He’s so cute! What’s his name? Is it a he? Or a she?”
“This is….”I momentarily forgot which name I had put on the nametag, “Boomer.”
She looked at him and smiled. I almost lost my nerve then. Almost. But I had been paid. It was a job, only a job, it didn’t matter who she was. It couldn’t matter.
“Where are your parents? It isn’t safe to talk to strangers, you know.”
“Oh,” her face fell, “They’re gone. There was a car crash….”
I remembered the crash, but that wasn’t what had killed them. The medical examiners had found bullets through their foreheads. I was still proud of that job, those had both been impressive shots. It was a shame. The crash was supposed to have killed the girl as well. Her death was supposed to be instantaneous, painless. I had hit the parents perfectly, but the girl had somehow survived. It would have looked suspicious if she had died so soon after the crash, so I had waited. Four years to finish this job. Four years this had been hanging over my head. It was time to finish it. Time for me to leave the country and find other work. My mouth twitched, but I quickly hid it.
She continued “I live with my uncle now. But he’s not much fun. He’s on a business trip. In Norway or something. And my nanny doesn’t pay much attention.”
Of course her uncle was out of the country. He would need to have a solid alibi when J.J.’s body turned up. He had to be absolutely above suspicion or the company’s stocks would plummet.
“Well, you can always play with Boomer, anytime you like, okay?”
“My name is J.J. There. Now we aren’t strangers anymore, right?”
I laughed, I couldn’t help it. “Right.”
She smiled again. It lit up her entire face, which otherwise was unnatural sombre for a child. What kind of person hires a hitman to kill their own niece?
I had the poisoned needle up my sleeve. It was supposed to be so easy. I had planned this to the smallest detail. But this was different. My usual jobs were cold. Impersonal. Sniper jobs.
She looked too much like Kayla. Or rather, what Kayla would have looked like, had she ever gotten older than four. I shook my head. I couldn’t think of that right now. That was before. Before the murders, before I had had to take on these kinds of jobs.
All of a sudden, she giggled and hugged me. “I like you.”
That did it. I couldn’t. Not now. I looked at her and surprised myself by saying, “Do you want Boomer?”
She laughed, high and crystalline, “Really? For real? Are you sure?”
“Of course. I have to leave the country and I can’t take him with me. I need someone I know will take care of him,” I couldn’t care less about the dog. “Will you do that for me?”
She grabbed the leash and ran off. Now I was in trouble. Her uncle will kill me when he finds out. I only had one choice. I needed a plane ticket.
* * *
Two days later, J.J.’s uncle was found floating in the hotel pool of the Europa hotel in Oslo, Norway. He had a bullet through his head and a needle mark in the side of his neck. A man in a three piece suit watched from the lobby as the police swarmed around the crime scene. He smiled.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,800 Reviews
This story is so captivating but it would have been nice to know the motive of why J.J's uncle wanted to have her and her family killed. It also woud have been nice to know the back story of who Kayla was. Other than those two critics, the story was great and the twist at the end really made it all the more better
I really liked this piece! it was a unique take on the hitman story. I particularly enjoyed the interaction between the child and the hitman, and I appreciated the way you used their conversation to facilitate the revealing of the backstory.
Not going to spend too much time commenting on grammar, but there were just a few things that stood out:
"It would have looked suspicious if she had died so soon after the crash, so I had waited. Four years to finish this job."
Here, the fragment "Four years to finish this job" bothered me. It doesn't feel as dramatic as you intended it to be, and might work better as "So I waited. I waited four years to finish this job" for example. Maybe it's just me.
"She grabbed the leash and ran off. Now I was in trouble. Her uncle will kill me when he finds out."
I think the third sentence would work better as "Her uncle would kill me if he found out", to be consistent with the past tense.
The short epilogue at the end wraps everything up a little too abruptly for me. I realize that it was probably the best thing to do for the length of this story, but maybe you could hold off on getting to the point for a bit, and instead spend some time describing the eerie scene of a dead man floating lifelessly in the pool (before revealing that it is the uncle, with the main character looking on from afar). Also, I don't understand why the hitman needed to shoot the uncle after poisoning him (or vice versa)? I would suggest having him killed by the poison alone, since that would be a fitting end for him.
Other than that, I don't have any pressing complaints. Thanks for a great read!
- a2sd
I prefer to add in my thoughts as I read. All edits and comments will be in brackets. A [x] means I deleted something. If a sentence begins with a [?] then it's going to end with a question or comment.
This review is just my opinion. You don't have to take any of my suggestions.
[x]J.J. Spencer [ran circles in] the grass[, blowing raspberries with her arms held out from her sides]. [x] [I would hold off on telling the audience why J.J. is special. Let them think] [Add a description of the yard -- I picture crisp stubbly grass bordered by a white flower garden. Show, don't tell. Describe the gate just down the street. Perhaps add the cameras that spot the houses all around, hanging under the lips of the roofs and perched on the light posts that punctuate the street.] [The nanny was across the park, nursing a cigarette where she thought no one could see.]
[x]It had taken a couple weeks of stake-out[s] to [record] J.J.’s entire schedule [and all its weaknesses]. [x][A] few well-placed bribes and [one hot] false ID [later and here I was, sitting comfortably on a park bench beneath one of the lilting oaks]. It had been surprisingly easy to impersonate a resident of the community. [The] three piece suit felt stiff and unnatural[, but that was my biggest complaint]. The puppy I had brought with me [squirmed in my lap]. [My eyes were aimed at my] phone, but I was really watching her, waiting for her to notice me.
[She circled around from the other side of the playground. As she swept around the slide she saw me and] gasped.[x]
“A puppy![" she squealed. I looked up as her tiny feet padded across the manicured lawn. "]Can I pet it? He’s so cute! What’s his name? Is it a he? Or a she?”
“This is...” I momentarily [froze. (describe her eyes) I almost lost my nerve right then. Her pudgy pink hand squished into the puppy's wrinkled skin. But then I recovered. A job was a job.] "Boomer[," I said.]
[x]
[Insert dialogue from her.]
“Where are your parents?[" I asked innocently. "]It isn’t safe to talk to strangers, you know.”
“Oh,” her face fell[.] “They’re[... gone."]
[I knew where her parents were. The official story was a car crash, but truth was they'd taken a couple bullets through the head]. I was [x] proud of that job[.] Those had both been impressive shots. It was a shame [it hadn't ended as cleanly as planned. If the crash had taken the girl out then, it would have been a perfect job. A crash. Instantaneous, painless.] [But] the girl had somehow survived. It would have looked suspicious if she had died so soon after the crash, so I [x] waited [f]our years [before I returned][x]. [Four years this job had been hanging over my head.] It was time to finish it. Time for me to leave the country and find other work. My mouth twitched, but I quickly [recovered.]
[x]“I live with my uncle[," she [told me]. "]But he’s not much fun. He’s on a business trip. In Norway]," she sighed. "My nanny isn't much fun either.”
Of course her uncle was out of the country. He [needed a solid alibi, after all.][x]
“Well, you can always play with Boomer, [any time] you like, okay?”
[Her eyes lit up. She nodded excitedly, whispy blonde curls bouncing behind her big ears (that's just how I picture her, add your own description)] “My [name's] J.J. [x]Now we aren’t strangers anymore, right?”
I laughed[.] [x]“Right.”
She smiled again. [She had cute little chipmunk cheeks spattered with freckles (again, add your own image if that doesn't suit her).] [x] [She was a real doll. A shame (you could add her value here if you'd like).] [x][The] poisoned needle [was positioned delicately in] my sleeve. [In theory it would have been] easy. I had planned [the whole thing] to the smallest detail. But [something about this job was] was different. [I was a sniper. My targets were positioned at the end of a scope, not wrapped around a puppy at my feet.]
[She reminded me of my niece/daughter/sister/whatever Kayla.] Or [at least what I imagined Kayla would have looked like, if the world had only given her a chance.] I shook my head [inwardly]. I couldn't think of [her] now. That was before. [I was a murderer now.]
[?]All of a sudden, [J.J.] giggled and hugged me. [That seems a bit strange. Maybe not have her hug him?] “I like you.”
[x]I looked at her [in surprise. Before I could even think I said,] “Do you want Boomer?”
[Her jaw slackened, and then she smiled brightly, with the radiance of a child.] “Really? For real? Are you sure?”
[I surprised myself by smiling.] “Of course.[' After a moment I said: "]I have to leave [soon and] I can’t take him with me. I need someone [to] take care of him. [x] Will you do that for me?”
She [nodded with enthusiasm. I handed her to leash and she went racing off, the wrinkled puppy barreling awkwardly after her.] [x] [I wouldn't say she grabbed it, that makes her come off as grabby and spoiled. You want to maintain the audience's adoration for her.]
* * *
Two days later, [authorities found] J.J.’s uncle [x] floating [face up] in [the][x] Europa hotel['s pool] in Oslo, Norway. [There was] a [hole in his] head and a [single puncture] in the side of his neck. [A man in a three piece suit sat pleasantly in the lobby, and a smiled graced his lips.][x]
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Before I go into all the reasons why I love this, I'll go over the weaknesses I found. You need to inject just a little more description into your writing. A couple sentences here and there to spice up the scene and you can create a vicarious experience. Your dialogue and situations are already perfect, you just need to give some images for the audience to hold onto.
You also have a tendency to tell the audience too much. Tease us with little bits of information, and always assume the audience is smarter than you think.
For example, I reduced:
"Of course her uncle was out of the country. He would need to have a solid alibi when J.J.’s body turned up. He had to be absolutely above suspicion or the company’s stocks would plummet."
Down to:
"Of course her uncle was out of the country. He needed a solid alibi, after all."
Those little flashes of understanding far outpower longer explanations.
I noticed a couple little issues with how you formatted your dialogue. This is a good link that explains it, though if you have more questions feel free to ask. Of course, sometimes the best way to learn is to just pick up a book and see how they do it.
http://bubblecow.net/see-how-easily-you ... -dialogue/
Outside those things, this was very well done. I fell in love with the little girl immediately. You don't give too much information, but you give enough for the audience to insert their own loved one into her character. Yet despite being generically cute, she does not come off as a "Mary Sue" at all.
The main character was also done well. He's despicable, really -- someone who makes his money and solves his problems through murder. To the very end he upholds this truth, and yet I grew to like him. That tiny shadow of humanity in a monster draws the reader in. Not naming him and instead identifying him as the "man in the three piece suit" was a good choice.
Good job, keep writing.
This is really helpful. I was experimenting with changing my usual style and it didn't exactly come out as i had planned. Thanks!
No problem! It may have just been outside your comfort zone, but I enjoyed nonetheless
Wow. That was really good! I loved the idea of it, the plot had me invested from the first line for obvious reasons. It would be one thing if it was a hit man hired to kill an adult; but a child? Now THAT'S something interesting, in a twisted kind of way. So relieved it worked out for the better.
The only real problem I noticed is the sudden, jarring shift from first-person narrative to third-person. You wrote, "That did it. He couldn’t. Not now. I looked at her and surprised himself by saying, “Do you want Boomer?”" As you can see, the shift is quite glaring and takes away from an otherwise great story. But it's an easy enough fix; just switch out the "he" for an "I," put a "myself" where the "himself" is, and there you go!
Anyway, other than, awesome job! I'd love a part two to this sometime, to find out more about this hit man character.
Yeah, for some reason I was having a hard time writing this in the first person. I guess I missed that when I was reviewing.
No big deal. I used to make that mistake constantly. Sometimes people on here will do it continuously throughout the whole story, so at least you only did it twice!