In this world, where dreams flow by
Have I not been a living lie?
I rise up, every day so high
Thinking some(of a) place to occupy.
.
Men may rise and men may fall
Like leaves,in a tree so tall.
Truth is, it was never our call
We still pretend like we had it all.
.
Work till you drop dead
Earn, but you can't spend
With the time so limited
Is this what I wanted?
.
I fight so hard to be understood
Always failing, is all I could.
Still they say, it's all for good
Never trust in what you are told.
In the end, Shit happens dood!
-Usero.
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138,377 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hi there, just a quick review on your poem.
I often read this kind of poem, which was written based on experience / opinion sustained by the poet. The title of poem may be a little harsh, but it depends on the assessment / observation of the readers themselves. I have no problem with that. For me it might be made more prominent by the title of poem that coincides with the content.
The poet raise a pithy through the the first stanza. Followed by a statement of life experienced (also definitely experienced by everyone). I like the way it is conveyed with a slightly annoyed tone of voice.
It is clear that you are serious when writing this poem. The proof? You give the rhythm in this stanza. It's just a guess, but I see you trying to give the effect of a variety in your poem. The same with the simile. But the simile that you gave looks a bit blurry. The impact was too weak to give a comparison of similarities between the first two lines. Here, creating rhythm is sometimes difficult to do than with free verse.
Overall, I was impressed by some part in your poem that seems interesting. Your idea can be improved in the final stanza. Make it clear and well organized, it can certainly shows the real strength. Keep it up!
Kudos, cheers.
Wow! this is impressive poem. what i understood is that society sees what they want to see of us but not who we really are. Life is short. All the efforts we make to build our reputation is not really who we are. Life seems like a lie.. unable to gain what we want to.. Good Poem !
Nice poem and a good point, I think though maybe not the greatest way to put it.
Ha ha.
You have this massive build up of intensity throughout the piece...
it's great because you really manage to lead the reader on.
And then your final line: 'In the end, Shit happens dood!'
It's just brilliant.
Thinking cynically myself, I love this piece. It's really original and just great fun.
Very observationally accurate.
Love it
XD
Kudos
haha... im very happy that you liked it and thanks for the review.
-Usero
Hello my fellow writing friend! It's BlimeyLimey217 here for review time!
The style of writing was perfect for this work! It was easily followed! Great job!!!
First of all, I really loved this poem! It was something that I could easily relate to, and that's always a good thing!
Secondly, I noticed a little something.... In the first stanza, you wrote (of a). I don't really think that is necessary... I was a bit confused of how that even fit into the line... I would suggest taking it out, but if there is something I'm missing, please let me know!
Thirdly, the rhyme and rhythm was superb! I really enjoy poems that rhyme, it makes the rhythm flow easier! Well done! I understand that it is often hard to rhyme! You did a great job!
To sum this all up, you did a great job! You made me really want to read more! Keep up the good work, my friend! I look forward to reading more of your works!
Keep writing!
~BlimeyLimey217
Thanks for the review. And I really couldn't decide whether to choose "some place" or "of a place". I though people who review might help me with it.
-Usero!
Oh ya! I like some place!
Excellent job!