"Cookie! Cookie Monster! Why are you being so stubborn?" I called out. I plopped down on my couch and sighed. I was looking for my pet hamster, Cookie Monster. I called him Cookie for short. Cookie had been missing for half an hour, I was getting anxious. I loved Cookie. I had had him for almost eight months. Where could he have gone?
An idea hit me. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought about this before. I had named him Cookie because I had caught him nibbling on a chocolate chip cookie the day I brought him home from the pet store. I was so worried he would get sick, but he hadn't. I walked into the kitchen and checked the pantry. It was easily accessible, and Cookie Monster loved people food. Nothing. I turned around and noticed the lid to the Cookie Jar was off.
The Cookie Jar was just a regular jar, you couldn't see inside it. It was a shade of red that I loved. I walked over to it and peeked inside.
"Cookie Monster, there you are. I've been looking all over for you!" I knew it was stupid to be talking to my pet hamster, but I didn't have a lot of friends. Cookie was my best friend. I wasn't exactly close with my parents or my older brother. I was a loner. Just a blip in everyone else's perfect family.
Anyway, I peeked inside the jar again and knew something was wrong. Cookie wasn't moving. I reached in and pulled him out. He didn't even twitch. I felt something wet and sticky on my palm. I feared the worst. After I pulled my hand out, I examined Cookie. There was a wide gap going down his front. Blood stained his soft, white fur. Cookie's insides were hanging out, I could've picked out his small intestine and his heart if I had looked close enough.
I wasn't too grossed out. He was my hamster. I was more sad for the loss of my friend. I was traumatized. I pulled out a paper towel and gently set Cookie's body on it. I reached across the counter and grabbed a kitchen knife. I knew Cookie had been missing for half an hour, but there were only two doors leading out of the house. Whoever killed Cookie must've been inside the house.
I walked slowly down the hall. I made sure, just in case, that the side and the front door were still firmly shut. I had been sitting on the couch before I looked for my hamster. The two doors were in plain view of the couch. No one could've gotten out without my knowledge. I looked inside the linen closet down the hall from the living room. There was a man dressed in black. He also held a knife, and he wore a maniacal grin on his face.
Before he could move his knife, I pressed my knife against his chest, right where is heart was.
"Give me your knife." I said. His grin vanished and he dropped the knife. The expression on his face was that of pure terror. I could see it in his eyes, and nobody else was home. He murdered my hamster. This man was the worst of the worst, the scum of the Earth. He was a hamster prosecutor.
"YOU KILLED MY HAMSTER!" I screamed at him. Then I brought my hand back as far as I could, and stabbed him in the heart. Blood ran down his chest and made his black clothing sticky.
I dragged the man's heavy body over to the couch. I moved the coffee table and took off the couch cushions. After unfolding the bed inside the couch, I removed the mattress. I then put the man's body horizontally close to back of the couch on the bed frame. Afterwards, I proceeded to fold his body into the couch.
After replacing the couch cushions, I disposed of Cookie's body in the trash can. I said a prayer. I didn't want Cookie to go to hell, the way I would when I died. I was almost done. I mopped up the blood from the hardwood floor by the linen closet. It was barely noticeable. Then I walked to the kitchen. I took a cookie out of the Cookie Jar. Chocolate chip, my favorite kind. I went back into the living room and sat on the couch. I was sitting there munching on my cookie when my brother walked in.
"Carrie, remember to lock the doors. There's a burglar in the area." He said. Just before he continued walking, he stopped and grinned maliciously. "Oh, and by the way, I killed your hamster."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,735 Literary Works • 672,068 Reviews
Me again. XD
Personally, I would have started with this: 'The Cookie Jar was just a regular jar, you couldn't see inside it. It was a shade of red that I loved. I walked over to it and peeked inside.' As your opening line. It is simple and funny. And I love the way you make the cookie jar seem like such an actual thing, you know, like it's a real place you could visit or something.
Very clever.
I found this funny. I really did. Especially at points like: '"YOU KILLED MY HAMSTER!" I screamed at him.' And imagining the look of rage on the protagonist's face. Lulz.
I don't know whether the humour was intentional at that point, but that was how I interpreted it. XD
Overall, very fun.
Keep writing.
XD
Wow, that was a bit more intense than I thought it would be. Before critiquing, I shall applaud you for your story. You did a great job! It was very easy to imagine and to keep up with. I felt a connection with the main character when she found out that her hamster died. But I was totally blown away when she stabbed that dude in black in the chest. That was a total surprise.
Now for that critiquing bit I mentioned earlier...
Although there were some comical aspects in this story, I do not believe that it was humorous. Well, the whole bit about overreacting with the hamster was funny, but perhaps it's more of a thriller than a comedy.
There should be more for Carrie to react that way to the death of her hamster. I think there needs to be more background story to Carrie and her hamster. Why would Carrie react so much to the death of her hamster?
For instance, right here
"After I pulled my hand out, I examined Cookie. There was a wide gap going down his front. "
Right between these two sentences you could have input Carrie's reaction to what she had seen when she pulled Cookie out of the jar. Like, if you inputted a "and I couldn't believe what I'd seen" or "I wanted to die right there" between it, you would have grabbed the reader even more and forced the reader to empathize with Carrie.
In the comments below, you mention that Carrie is insane. Perhaps you could add that your backstory. Carrie cared about the hamster so much because the day she got out of the mental hospital she saw the hamster about to get ran over by a car... or something. That was just an example.
"There was a man dressed in black. He also held a knife, and he wore a maniacal grin on his face."
Who is the man in black? And this man in black, what was he wearing? Why is he grinning maniacally? Does Carrie know this man? I feel like you should add more details to this guy. If he is the supposed burglar that has been breaking into people's houses recently, then you should mention that. Also, what does the maniacal smile have to do with anything? Was it there there to make the reader hate him for supposedly killing Carrie's hamster or because he was a burglar? What kind of burglar was he? Was he crazy? These questions ran through my mind as a reader about the man in black. One more thing about this guy: the knife he was holding. That could get a little... blurred if you don't treat it right. For instance, if Carrie thought that he had killed her hamster, maybe there should have been more there for her to hate him. Like, blood on the knife or blood on his hands, or even that wooden stuff hamsters have in their cages was on his hands.
Other stuff: It was a little choppy. I feel like you could have combined a lot of the sentences so that it could flow better.
Tenses: Past tense and present tense. Be sure to stick with one tense the entire way through.
Sorry I suck at BCC code, or whatever else it's called. I hope you can understand my review (sorry for making it so long). Keep up the good work though, okay? Writing is a learning experience, you know? Happy YWSing!
Thank you so much for your review. With the past and present tense thing, I normally do present tense, but as I writer I need to get more experience in the past tense as well. My goal with that was to step outside of my comfort zone. I need to do this with POV as well. I am so grateful for your review, especially about the man in black. The thing is, I didn't want blood to be on the knife because he didn't legitimately kill the hamster. Carrie just assumes that. It was really her brother who killed it to taunt her. As for everything else, you make very valid points. Thank you
You are very welcome!
As the meme saying goes, "Well that escalated quickly." And it did. I loved your story though it was a bit creepy and random. But, the randomness was good thing and worked for this story. At first, I could relate to Carrie by not having many friends myself. Then it came to Cookie's death and I was like she really over reacting. Who would break into the house just to kill a hamster? When the brother came in and explained that there was a burglar loose I think my mind exploded. I was not expecting that as a ending. Well done.
Thank you. And Carrie is not right in the head. lol. She's nuts!
Greetings. I am the Raven, Squire of the Knights of the Green Room and I will be reviewing your work for the moment. It will be divided into the sections What Is Good and What Needs Improvement/Suggestions. Now, let's get down to business, shall we?
What Is Good:
1) Your language is serviced well enough. Errors aren't a glaring problem.
2) I was expecting Cookie Monster to eat cookies to death, but you surprised me there. Pretty well done.
What Needs Improvement/Suggestions:
1) There are a few plot holes in your story. For example, why is the hamster killed in a cookie jar of all places? Was it placed in there? Why would it be hidden in there? Also, why did the burglar give up so easily? If there were clues anywhere answering these questions, I'm afraid I don't see them.
2) Related to the above; plot holes to do with characters. As of now, Carrie seems to be a little unhinged. She has no real reason to suspect that the man in black is the culprit. There's no clues leading to that. Her reaction seems to be exaggerated as well. Compounding my previous statement, she killed a man over a hamster. I get that she loves Cookie Monster a lot, but I still couldn't suspend my belief over that. Then there's Carrie's brother. What reason does he have to kill the hamster? It was never explained. Worse of all, he came into the picture only at the very end, so the story isn't tied up very well. Cliffhangers aren't recommended in stand-alone short stories, and it's not exactly a mystery that I can bring myself to care about too much, so it doesn't work that way either.
There are a few ways you could solve this. The most straightforward way is to explain everything, but remember not to just go through the motions and tell it all to the reader. Show rather than tell. Another way is to change the plot, you know, change Carrie's behaviour and the outcome of the encounter. An unrelated solution to the problem presented by Carrie's brother is to add another part towards the back to tie up that subplot.
3) Also, why did Carrie eat out of a jar previously occupied by a dead hamster? If it was a clue to Carrie's insanity, it should be fine. Otherwise, it's an odd plot hole.
4) There's a few grammar mistakes. The usual past-present tense issues that everyone's bound to make. Maybe one or two structure problems. Otherwise, grammar's good. I recommend going through your story at least twice after finishing it.
5) Pacing wise, I feel that things are happening a bit too fast, even for a short story. You might want to slow it down a bit.
That's all I have for you... Hope I've helped. Enjoy! And keep writing!
Carrie was insane, that was the point. As for the plot holes, there are supposed to be plot holes because it's a random story. In the end, Carrie's brother says he is the one who killed Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster was in the cookie jar because he loved cookies.
Okay... so how did Carrie's brother meticulously carve Cookie Monster up in the cookie jar? Weird...
He didn't. He carved him up and dropped him back in.
Huh... Well... How Cookie died is a little out of context, yet at the same time it feels like it should have been made known somehow. For more info on this, I guess you'd have to read my review. Heh.
@defyinggravity01: What you just said here in your comments should be mentioned in the story. See how @D4RKR4VEN asked you those questions specifically about the plot? This means that if he is wondering it, then most of the other readers will be too. So, you should include a few more details in the story to clear up these problems.
@defyinggravity01: What you just said here in your comments should be mentioned in the story. See how @D4RKR4VEN asked you those questions specifically about the plot? This means that if he is wondering it, then most of the other readers will be too. So, you should include a few more details in the story to clear up these problems.
Yeah well, I'm just one reader though. There could be a chance I'm just an oddball. At the same time MooCowPoop could be right. In the end, it's your prerogative, for better or worst.
Hi, Cheetah here. I'm going to give you a post-Review Day review.
You were right in the description. It is humorous in a sick way. Although I love animals, I didn't get upset because I only tend to when the story is factual.
Other than the fact it was a bit gross, this was really good. You used a variety of vocabulary and I liked that.
There were, however, a few small errors that I would like to point out to you this evening.
Instead of "more sad", I think it would be better to say "sadder".
Just a little typo, his instead of is.
That's it! I have to admit - twist ending! You ended the story right on key. Good job and keep writing!
Thanks