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Hello there! Fortis here with a review! (probably the longest review you've ever received in your life)
Sorry to literally write down every line, but I feel that is necessary for this lovely poem. (I’m gonna go a bit crazy here…. Beware!
(sorry about any coding that goes haywire)

“you and i,” Nice simple start. Gives us a clear idea of who this poem is going to be centered around. It shows a theme of togetherness, yet difference. (the “and” shows the togetherness, and the differences in the words “you” and “i” show the differences) ((this may be way too much analyzation for three words.))

“we were born in the vale of whispers” how mysterious! And it brings about a sense of extreme quietness, but not to the point of silence. I like these sensory details, even though I don’t quite understand how a valley of whispers fits into anything in the rest of the poem, but I don’t really see how the poem fits into the rest of the poem: it’s very loose concept-wise.
Now as to how this line relates to the one before (and to the rest of the poem)… I think the word “into” would work better than “in” because “in” when speaking about birth refers to the physical place, whereas later in the poem you talk about how you can’t really leave this town, and “into” when talking about birth refers to something more permanent. Something you inherit, like a town you can never leave.

“where these ancient trees ache” Lovely imagery. I love it when poets give feelings to plants for some reason. I also love how you used “ancient” and “ache” so close so we can get that alliteration. And “ancient aches” are wonderful in the sense that perhaps this ancient thing, these trees, knew what life was like before and they are longing for that time, or some old wound left untreated has festered and has become an ache, or it might be an ache of a weary soul, a soul waiting to die. There’s so many connections the reader can make with just these little words.
Now how this line fits into the poem… are you saying there are ancient trees that grow in this valley? How are these trees relevant? They might just be relevant because they add so much more to this mysterious air, and make this poem seem old but timeless.

“as their frosted branches evolved beneath the wind.” I like these cold sensory details. For me, cold is always so mysterious: hot never is. There’s cold caves with hidden treasure, the coldness of space, the coldness of an abandoned house, the coldness of the night (as we all know the night is VERY mysterious). Basically, cold is associated with dark which is associated with mystery.
I’m not quite sure how branches can evolve, but I like that verb. It’s very descriptive. Unfortunately, I think of Pokemon whenever I think of the word “evolve” out of normal context. The way you said “...branches evolved beneath the wind” makes it sound like the wind is what’s doing the evolving. If this IS the case, then I would think that the wind is breaking off the tops of the branches, which changes them (therefore “evolving”) but I don’t think you meant this. If it was what you meant though, it wasn’t very clear, and I’d think about changing it. I’m not quite sure WHAT you meant, or if you wrote it to make sense at all. I’m interpreting this extremely literally, I know. I’m sorry. Not everything is literal, but most people who do more than just read poems read it for literalness. (<- not sure if that’s a word or not.)
I like the word “frosted” right before “branches” because you aren’t saying they’re snow-capped, you aren’t saying they’re frozen solid (which would mean the water INSIDE the wood has frozen), you’re saying they have frost on them, maybe a thin layer of snow. I get the picture of frosted window panes, but on a tree. That’s a really pretty image for me.
Again, are these trees in the valley? And how is this relevant other than setting the tone?

“you were named after the stars, and i after the sin” I love it when poets say stuff like this, the naming parts. In this particular poem, it really enunciates the difference between these two people. She (I’m just going to assume she’s a girl. Deal with it) is bright and shining and beautiful and he (yup, more assumptions) is dark and vile and sin-like, at least in his mind of how they were named.
Now as for how this line fits with the rest of the poem… I was going to suggest that you get rid of the “the,” because I thought this was one, full, complete sentence. I didn’t realize you continued this sentence in the next line. Then when I started the next line, I was so confused, and I started to get a little bit angry at you for confusing me. Then I realized. This is was poor punctuation can do to your readers. It can make them angry and confused. But I survived, and here I am to tell the tale. I would just suggest either changing your punctuation so that people don’t run into those kinds of problems, or changing where you broke the lines up so I don’t accidently think the sentence ends at “sin.”
Also, later in the poem you say she was named after “the mute god.” I take this to be she was named after the mute god who was memorialized as a constellation, kind of like Orion (although I don’t think he was a god).

“our father trapped between splayed fingers. to this day” I think it’s very interesting that the father *could* trap a sin in his hand. It makes me curious as to what sin can be caught. Another thing, when I think of “trapping sin in one’s hand” I think of a hand descending almost cage-like over the sin, but the word “splayed” just means separated, and I think of a hand that’s just flat, palm facing up. I don’t think “splayed” is a word that I would use to trap something, especially something so slick and slippery as sin.
I find it very interesting that you use the word “our” before “father.” This insinuates that either these people are brother and sister, or you are speaking about a higher power (which would make sense when speaking about trapping a sin with just your hand.) However, seeing as you’ve alluded to polytheism (at least by my standards) by not capitalizing “god” later in the poem, and describing the god as “mute” as if you need to separate this god from others (it reminds me of the greek/roman/Egyptian/norse/any polytheistic belief of having a “god of blank” like Ares, god of war; Thor, god of thunder; etc.), and from the fact you didn’t capitalize “father” in THIS line, I don’t think that this is referring to a higher power. So now that we’ve established that, either these people really are literal brother and sister, or you’re just using some strange symbolism that I’m missing again. I would expect that it’s closer to the first one because later on in the poem you call this person “sister” (oh yeah, so that’s why I assumed she was a girl).
I think that the “to this day” part should really be on the next line. It serves no purpose that I can see at the end of this line. I know that everyone wants nice even lines, but honestly I think that this is too much. Just man up and have uneven lines.
Beside the next two lines, and unless you are referring to a higher power, I don’t see mention of this father anywhere else in the poem. He could be elsewhere in the poem and you could describe what impact all this funny business about praying and sweeping palms across foreheads had on these characters’ lives.

“I believe he prayed as he swept his palm across your face,” what in the world? Now answer some questions here. Why and what for is he praying? Is he praying to this mute god? Does the sweeping the palm across the face have any ceremonial meaning in prayer? Is it a dark omen for bad times to come, or merely a gentle gesture? It sounds with the word “swept” that you were trying to make it gentle, but think about it. I usually think palm-to-face contact is a slap, or at least an uncomfortable touch. When palm-to-face contact is used in conjunction with “swept,” I think of someone lightly dragging their hand diagonal over someone’s face, smearing their gross hand-sweat all over the other person’s face, and getting the other person’s gross face-oil all over their hand, and awkwardly bumping into the nose and maybe getting some snot on their hand, and accidently poking them in the eye….. It’s not a nice picture. When I think of back-of-hand-to-face contact, I either think of the backhanded slap of rich people, or a gentle caressing motion. If you’re looking for a gentle comforting motion, I’d change “palm” to “the back of his hand.” If you’re trying to use this motion as a ceremonial prayer gesture, I’d make that more apparent if I were you.
I’m not quite sure what you’re saying here, so it’s hard to relate this line to the rest of the poem. The reader doesn’t have enough information about the girl’s relationship with this “father” character to get why any of this is happening. Their confusion only grows by reading the rest of the poem because it is never explained.

“his heel against the smoothness of my spine.” I am unsure as to what this gesture means even more that the last. Is the father stepping on this guy? Or merely resting his foot against his back? Why is his foot on his back in the first place? Is this implying that the father thinks higher of the girl than this guy? But the word “smoothness” makes it sound gentle, like he loves them both equally. Why then is he getting a foot on his back, acting like a footstool?
Spines really aren’t smooth. If you ask a child what a spine is, they will say “the bumpy part of your back.” But I do like the word “spine” when used in poems for some reason.

“these are memories, and we humans wear them like silver rings,” My first thought when I read this line was “WHAT are memories? The weird thing with the father?” My second thought was “That is an amazing simile right there!” Later in the poem you say “this is desire…” and I guess I can live with your “these are memories” because it fits in later, and I really like those two lines when compared side by side. I just think you need more of this “This is an abstract concept” idea. I apologize if that made no sense at all. I’d just think about adding another two-line-stanza with the same pattern as those, because only two of these stanzas make the poem feel incomplete or lacking, whereas if you had three…. Well as we all know, three is the magic literary number.
I like the imagery of the silver rings, because metal (especially silver metal, because the color of gold is warmer) is cool and it again adds to the cold imagery. I also like that you specify WE HUMANS because even if animals do have as good memories as humans, they don’t tend to dwell on their memories as much as we do (as far as I can tell). But the silver rings bit is absolutely perfect, especially in conjunction with the next line.

“admiring their lustre as they stain our skin.” This is just perfect. I love this. The only problems I have with it are “luster” is generally spelled like that, but that might be a regional thing, and I actually like it better the way you wrote it: is somehow seems shinier. The other thing is I don’t think silver stains skin at all. I know iron or something like that does, but I think silver is one of the metals that doesn’t. I could be wrong, and you could also be referring to the color of the rings rather than the physical metal they’re made of. Or you could just be using this cool metaphor as “memories are something that shouldn’t leave scars, but do, just like a silver ring.” Whatever, do what you want, but I love this line anyway.


“this morning i stood from the highest point you’d never seen.” I like your use of the “never” in place of the more common “ever” in this situation. I like this because it’s kind of like you’re saying that you actually CAN’T see this point because it’s so high, and you’d never see it unless you climb it. Also the change from the normal way of saying this makes me wake up and pay attention.
I’m not sure if you’re using the word “you’d” as in speaking to the audience or to this person “you.” You should never talk to the “audience” (the people who are supposedly reading this poem) in a second person view. It just gets confusing. But it sounds like you are doing this, unless you really are talking to this “you” character. It’s kind of hard to tell.
Is there something specific going on that warrants the use of “this morning?” Is there some reason that THIS morning is more important than others? Something to think about.
This is a line that is necessary to understanding the rest of the stanza, and explains what’s going on in a pretty natural way. Good job.

“peered down at the streets below, and calculated the speed of pain” Okay, so. I like your verbs, both of them. Actually, your verbs in this whole poem are very nice and descriptive. Something I struggle with. I both like and hate the “speed of pain” part because it’s an interesting change from the norm, and it makes some kind of sense, but when paired with the next line, it doesn’t fit in and it doesn’t make sense. More about that later. I think the “peered down at the streets below” fits nicely there.
As a line all by its self, I love this line, but when paired with the next lines, it is a little lacking.

“from limb to limb, dusk to dusk. the roadways were mapped out like beautiful veins.” So the end of the last sentence and the beginning of this sentence read : “…calculated the speed of pain from limb to limb, dusk to dusk.” That makes absolutely no sense to me. You might just be missing a little word that makes all the difference, but something there is wrong. I like that you have “limbs” in there, because it brings us back to these trees, and dusk is more dark, mysterious, cold imagery.
I really really like the second half of this line. Even though roads are compared with veins quite often, I still love the comparison, because it is the perfect comparison. I also like that you put the word “beautiful” in there too because I don’t generally think of veins as beautiful things, but if someone tells me they are I can see it. Usually I think of veins as creepy tubes that carry blood all around, but I love thinking of them as beautiful lines through which life flows, which is kind of like roads: life is the cars that drive on the line of the road. I really love how the end of this line goes so well with the end of the next one.

“i wished in my deepest parts to reach out and touch them, feel the pulse of a living planet” I have no complaints about this line. It was absolutely beautiful. Great job.
How it relates… I also love the tone in which you tell this line. It is very similar to the part about ink and burning skin, probably because of the grandioseness (<- that is most definitely not a word) of the metaphor.

“this is desire, and it draws us to darker places” I love this line too! And again, I love how it fits with the “these are memories” line. You should definitely add a third line like this somewhere. I have no complaints again. Isn’t it nice to hear that? And the “this is” part actually makes sense this time, because you’re longing to reach out and touch the world, and longing = desire.

“the longer our eyes stay open” Hm… I wonder at how and in what way you are dragged by desire to darker places so long as your eyes are open… These are my interpretations:
- Later in the poem you talk about how you have to stay in the town until your eyes close (signifying death, I do believe), so would that mean that as long as you are alive, you are swayed by desire to go to darker places spiritually/mentally/emotionally?
- Or perhaps your eyes stay open in the sense of consciousness and realizing that the world is a bad place and so long as you know that (so long as you haven’t gone completely mad) you are dragged further and further into depression while longing for something you can never have: a perfect world.
That’s all I got, and maybe it’s a mixture between those two things or maybe you weren’t getting this deep into symbolism and you just wrote it. And I’m being all English teacher-y by trying to make sense of a thing that wasn’t supposed to make sense. Either way, I liked this line.

“i used to believe only in what I could quantify, as i was named for doubt;” I really liked the first part of the sentence. Some people really are like that. They have trouble having faith in anything that they can’t see or hear etc. Not even feelings of others or themselves (we sometimes call those kinds of people sociopaths) I like the word quantify. It makes this person seem so cold and mechanical, again adding to the cold imagery.
The part of this line I’m not too thrilled about is the last part. The way you have this worded is that BECAUSE I was named for doubt, I only believe in what I can quantify. I don’t know if that’s what you’re trying to say, but if it’s not, I’d remove the word “as.”
Also, you say earlier in the poem that you were named for the “sin that my father trapped.” Are you saying that this sin is doubt? Or are you just named after both? I’m confused about how this “naming” business works here.

“-but these volumes of souls that escape through clouded breath binds me to the belief” I love the first part of the line even though it makes absolutely no sense to me within the context. It gives me such a cool visual of a book filled with souls, kind of like the one that was spoken of in Revelations in the Bible. I imagine what kind of person would keep track of all souls and write them down, or stick them between the pages of a book, perhaps cataloguing them for some reason. It is a very intriguing image.
I don’t think you meant to have an “s” after “bind.” Please reread that sentence and fix it accordingly.
I like the “clouded breath” visual, and it adds some more to the cold imagery. Great job!

“that there must be an eye beyond the stars; because you were named” Ew. gross semicolon there. (by the way, have you noticed how many colons I’ve used in this review?! It’s crazy!) I like the “eye beyond the stars” part. It gives a great visual, and it’s rather unique. I wonder how books filled with souls that depart through breath can bind anyone to believe in a higher power. Rethink what you’re trying to say here and maybe present it in a manner that is easier to understand. Or keep it the way it is. No one ever said everyone has to understand this.

“for the mute god, and i was born to search for you, a sister lost among city lights.” I am intrigued by this “mute god” and the story behind it. I already said this, but I think of like, Greek (etc.) gods when I think of gods that have titles before them, so I wonder at the myths that come with this mute god. What is its story? Why is it mute? Why is this girl named after it? The muteness also adds to the quiet tone that was set by “vale of whispers” in the second line.
The second part of the line (“and i was born to search for you”) kind of reminds me of the concept of foreordination.
I like that you determine her gender and clarify their relationship by saying sister, although the relationship really isn’t quite clear because you say “A sister,” which I think of nuns and such. If you wanted it to be “my sister” then say it.
I love love love the last part of this line. By saying that one is “lost among city lights,” you’re kind of saying that one is lost in a place where you should be able to find your way around, everything is light, and you’re able to see clearly, yet the city is big and confusing, and you’ve lost your way. I also think this fits very well into our dark, cold theme, because the minute you introduce light into this poem, we become lost, blinded by sudden lights-- lights AND noise everywhere because it’s a city-- when you were used to the silent darkness. How lovely.


(You’re enjoying this review. I can tell. We’re already at 3718 words, and we’re not even done yet! I hope you aren’t bored reading this… I obviously had a lot of time on my hands. How come I can write this much in review, but not in my own stories?)
“as i watched the earth’s blood swoon from cell to cell, i could feel you nearer” I love the imagery in the first part, and how it ties into the earlier bit about veins. Although I’m not too sure about the verb swoon. Swoon means “to faint,” and although swoon sounds good in that sentence, it’s just not the right verb. Maybe you meant swell or something? Swell still isn’t the best word, but it makes more sense than swoon.
I’m only meh on the second part. I don’t get why she’s nearer, and it sounds a bit cliché. Why is that part in there? I see no purpose in it. But otherwise, I like this line. And I know you obviously aren’t too big on capitalizing in this poem, but I think if you capitalized “earth’s,” You could make it clear that you meant the planet and not dirt. Because as it stands, it seems like you’re talking about “the dirt’s blood” swooning.
I also like how this line ties into the title.

“than ever before, as if you were a truth to tuck inside a bottle of ink and stretch” you have some interesting line breaks. Again, it’s okay to have uneven lines, just make sure what you’re saying makes sense in the lines they’re used in.
This line doesn’t shed any more light on why we feel nearer to her than ever before. The simile doesn’t seem to make any sense within the context. How does “a truth to tuck inside a bottle of ink and stretch across burning skin” have ANYTHING to do with how close this girl is to you? I can’t find any connection.
Never the less, I really do love the second part of the sentence. The visual is so vivid and if you could tie it into something that kind of makes sense, it would be a very powerful visual. I’m not sure what that thing that would make sense would be, but…

“across burning skin. if you were to speak, you, the mute gospel,” So again, I like the descriptiveness of “burning skin,” although it destroys our beautiful cold imagery. I think there might be something behind this though. The beginning of this poem more or less made sense, but after becoming lost with those city lights and having the coolness, tranquility, darkness, and silence shattered, nothing makes sense until we get to the last stanza. If that was on purpose, I am in awe of your subtle symbolism techniques. Somehow I don’t think is was purposeful.
The second half of this line makes no sense at all period. I’m not sure if this is because of a weird line break, but that second you seems to serve no purpose. The only reason I can think of for why it would be there is for clarification/emphasis purposes. I do like thinking of a “mute gospel” to follow the “mute god.”

“i would martyr my spirit across a thousand planes, allow you to whisk my blood away / for just a shred of the blood of the earth.” …what? I like the words you used here, but none of them make any sense at all to me. How can you “martyr YOUR OWN SPIRIT?” not even taking it into account that you’re doing it across dimensions!? And what IS the blood of the earth? I know roads are the veins, so is it life? I’m just very confused.

“but you and i were born in a town where no one leaves until their eyes close;” I love this once again! Love it love it love it. No one leaves this town until they die. I hope that’s what you mean by “until their eyes close.” Great job I have nothing bad to say about this.

“and for this, we are bound to the trees in our yard, the leaves on our window sill.” I don’t really like the beginning of this line (“and for this,”) because I think it does a poor job of connecting this line to the last one. I think just removing it would be best, and then that semi colon up there actually makes sense, and everything is perfect! I also love the part about being bound to the trees. It brings up trees yet again, and I too have felt something similar to this, because the trees mark the end of our property at my home, and as a child, I was never allowed to g past them, kind of like I was tethered to them, like you’re saying here. I’m not quite sure how the leaves on the window sill part fits in here, but I like the image. The one thing I’d definitely tell you to do is add a “to” before “the leaves on your window” because I was thinking you were starting a new sentence kinda because there was no to there, but it just stopped.

“with only one road from our vale, i promise by the stars and will, forever, / follow you into the silver dusk.” I thought you were IN the vale and couldn’t leave. Why then are you saying you only have on road till you reach it? Because that’s what I’m reading it as.
I like the repetition of the color silver, and I like all the words you used to signify that this is the END of the poem. Some poems just stop, but this one gives you plenty warning.
I’m not quite sure what you mean by any of this line, but it’s beautiful nonetheless.

Okay, what a review!
Let’s wrap this up so it’s easier to digest:
PROS:
-imagery
-interesting similies
-interesting concepts
-beautiful language

CONS
-confusing main point
-Confusing line breaks
-Grammar adds to confusion
-Confusing plot (I know poetry doesn’t have to have a clear plot, blah blah blah.)

Okay so, I liked this poem, but it needs some work.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
(I probably spent a much much longer time and more thought into this review than you did your poem)

Hi Lumi, Dream with review on your poem.
So I try to learn every poetic verses of your poem. Honestly, I still strive to be in the level that you already have here. The irony in the poem shows a lot of things related to each other: I have to try hard to understand them all.

you were named after the stars, and i after the sin

this morning i stood from the highest point* you'd never seen,
peered down at the streets below, and calculated* the speed* of pain

Hiii there! Guess what. *whispers* I'm reviewing for the first time in aggeessssssss

Okay so. You are one of my favorite poets on YWS, for sure. I always read your stuff, but I don't think I've ever reviewed it. One of the reasons is because I always have trouble picking out things that need fixing, if I'm honest. But anyway.

So as I'm reading this, I feel like you're skipping around a little bit. Not enough to confuse me totally, but enough to make me double take and have to read it again. And because of that, I feel like the actual meaning is getting lost in all the double taking I have to do. It's great to have poetry that makes one think, but making the reader continually have to read over things again and again makes the rhythm a lot less potent. Here, for instance

you were named after the stars, and i after the sin
our father trapped between splayed fingers. to this day

that there must be an eye beyond the stars; because you were named
for the mute god, and i was born to search for you, a sister lost among city lights.

but you and i were born in a town where no one leaves until their eyes close;
and for this, we are bound to the trees in our yard, the leaves on our window sill.

Hey there, thought I'd take a look at this.

In all honesty I am not sure what I feel about this and whether I like it as a poem or not. You have good imagery, god word placement all that but I feel that this whole thing simply doesn't read as a poem. To me it feels like a short piece of prose or short story rather than poetry.
I'll give you my reasons.
Firstly

you and i,
we were born in the vale of whispers
where these ancient trees ache

this morning i stood from the highest point you'd never seen,

our father trapped between splayed fingers. to this day

but you and i were born in a town where no one leaves until their eyes close;
and for this, we are bound to the trees in our yard, the leaves on our window sill.
with only one road from our vale,

Hey, ajruby here to review!
Ok, so my biggest peeve on this piece was the capitalization.. I, for one, have a distaste for what seems to be poor writing form. (I'm not sure if it was intentional or not.) But anyway, that's the big thing..
Other than that, I really loved reading this! I think you used great imagery and the wirding was very good. However, I didn't understand, A. The purpose of the poem. and B. How the title has to do with the poem..
I'm sorry, but I don't get exactly what's going on here.. But I realize that most, if not all poets, have times where they just spill out what they're thinking or feeling on paper (or pixels), so there is plenty of room for that.

-Lady Ariana, The Silver Knight

My mind has been blown. That was great! I'm glad I read it and I think I'm a higher percentile more intelligent for having read it. Your diction is perfect and so vivid; the words were dancing off my computer screen by the time I was halfway through with it. Excellent, excellent, excellent. I also love how you decided to not capitalise "i." Reminds me of ee cummings, one of my favourite poets. This was such a deep, altogether engaging, beautiful poem! I am not an expert on poetry, so I won't attempt to find anything to critisise, as I am sure you know much more about poetry than I.

The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR. And you are my first reviewer on Review Day!!
So, right of the bat I noticed that you have no capitalization. That is something simple though, and can be easily fixed, so I won't give any examples. Just remember that 'i' must always be capitalized.

i used to believe only in what i could quantify, as i was named for doubt;

Knight Dragon, here to review.

I'm assuming this is written similar to e e cummings style, right?
Anyway, the first thing that stuck out to me was the line length. It felt like each was was a mini-paragraph.
But for the poem itself.
"but these volumes of souls that escape through clouded breath binds me to belief"
Did you mean "believe" for that last word, or was that intentional?

You have a lot of really poetic language in the poem, but by the end I'm left wondering, "What was the point of all that?" Either I'm missing the symbolism and message, or it's not in there. But I feel like there has to be a message to this poem, especially for how emotionally charged it is. And the title. I feel like death is somehow involved, but I'm not sure what exactly. Maybe there's some way you could explain this better?

Hope this helps!

Hi Lumi,

That was awesome! I loved it! And I'm not a fan of poetry, but I think it was good.
But I have to say, there were a couple of errors, like:
as their frostred branches evolve beneath the wind.
I um ... have no idea what that's meant to say, sorry.
And you may have written the wrong word here: and i after the sin. Is it meant to be sun?

Either way, I loved it! The emotion and the way it was all written captivated me! Though I'm a little confused as to who the "you" and "I" are in the poem, I still love it!!
Great work and keep it up!!

Sage