z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A Lost Cause - Ch 2

by MandaPanda1031


Chapter 2 - Becoming Orphaned

I ran my fingers through Molly’s tangled coat, whispering comforting words into her soft ear that stood as limp as a broken tree branch. Molly sat quietly in response; the words were mostly for me. “You’ll see Molly, Mom and Dad are going to come out of the house any minute now.”

Fire fighters came pouring out of the smoking house which was no longer blazing in flames. The wood was charred and raw and the roof was caving in some places like a damp cardboard box. I observed silently as one of the suited men quickly approached the ambulance waiting in the corner of the yard.

The EMTs ran into the house, gurneys and all, and disappeared amongst the smoke. The minutes it took for them to reappear felt like hours. The hush from the people around me was overwhelming. “Molly.” I sobbed into her fluffy collie fur.

Just then someone touched me on the shoulder. I lifted my head and let Molly lick at my falling tears. “Lia?” A woman crouched next to me, keeping her hand on my shoulder. “I’m Annie, I’m a social worker. I’ve found a foster home for you for the next couple of days until we can figure out the situation.”

“Are you telling me my parents are dead?” My voice cracked as I went on. “My parents are not dead.”

“Lia, I don’t know the status on your parent’s health. All I know is that if they are alive, they will be in the hospital once they come out of that house and you can’t live here during that time.” As I stood to follow the woman to her car, I kept my eyes peeled on the door.

Annie helped me into her car and Molly jumped up on the seat beside me just as the EMTs emerged from the smoldering house. Two motionless, deeply burned bodies lay on the gurneys. I clung to the bit of hope that they’d make it through the night.

********************************************************************

“Lia.” Molly growled softly from where she lay on my feet. My foster mom, Helen, shook me awake as the sun slowly began to appear in the horizon. Wearing the same filthy clothes I’d worn to bed the previous night, I scrambled from the little cot I’d been provided with.

“Molly, you have to stay here while I go see what’s up with Mom and Dad.” I spoke reassuringly, hoping Helen wouldn’t hear me. She was an older woman, nice, but after raising her own two children, she was not cut out to be a mother again, maybe a grandmother, but not a mother.

Molly lay down and rest her head on her outstretched paws in response. “I promise I’ll be back for you soon.”

Once Helen and I reached the hospital, Annie lead the way to my mom’s room. “Lia, I need to be truthful with you, it doesn’t look good and the doctor doesn’t think she’ll make it through another night.”

“And my father?” I looked deep into her mysterious eyes that revealed a hint of sadness.

“Lia, your father didn’t make it out of the house.”

A single tear tumbled from my eye and dripped down my face. I wiped it away from my chin and let out a sigh of frustration. “But she could make it, right?”

“Don’t set your hopes to high.” Annie sidestepped out of the way allowing me to enter the room. Bandages covered my mother’s body as she lay completely still on the white platform.

“Mama.” I whispered quietly to myself, “How did this happen!” I wanted to scream hateful words up at God. Mama told me how he helps us, but it seemed as if he didn’t care. I put aside my resentment and sent a little prayer. “Dear God, if you have to take my Mama, please just let me talk to her.” As if that wasn’t enough, I added, “ Just once more.”

I glanced over at the untouched figure once more to see Mama’s eyes flash open. She took in the environment around her before I could see the light return to her eyes once more. “Daddy’s dead, isn’t he?” She asked.

I nodded.

“Oh Lia, I prayed you’d be safe. Thank God you’re safe.” She gasped for air, “I said, lord, keep Lia safe. The fire, it was so powerful, it overtook us. I couldn’t escape. I got to the hallway but Daddy, he collapsed on the floor.” She struggled for her next breath. “Keep Molly with you Lia, hold her tight when I can’t. And always remember that I love you.” She touched her chest as she huffed in her last gasp. “I’ll be with you,” Her eyes began to close as she fought to say more, “In your hea-.”

Her chest was still and the room was completely silent for a millisecond before the alarms monitoring my mother’s life began to sound.

I slipped out of the room leaving my mother’s body behind as doctors and nurses rushed in.

Helen grasped me in a tight hug that nearly killed me. My face was flattened against her sickly sweet scented boobs. She let me go only when the doctors appeared in the doorway with grim looks sewn across their faces. I felt like I was handed the lucky card in a board game. It read, ‘Lia, you’re an orphan.’


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32 Reviews


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Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:48 am



Hello again!


I think chapter two was great! No spelling or grammatical errors.

I would not change anything at all. It's perfect.


Write on,


~Swiftfur




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Thu Oct 24, 2013 6:41 pm
Messenger wrote a review...



The Messenger Knight here to review for KotGR.
So, this was a great second chapter, and emjayc covered most of the things I was going to point out, but let me reinforce a couple of them. Number 1. I am a little confused as to how Lia and the foster mom connect. Some of the time it seemed like they really cared for each other ,but then other times it seemed as is Lia didn't really like her. 2. The bit about the bodies coming out should be fixed like emjayc pointed out.
3. I did like how you make Lia's emotions a giant mumbo-jumboed mess like errgjnerag.aetg. It fits the atmosphere, I think. 4. I really like Molly. I know much hasn't been said about her, but I know she is a major part, and having had a dog I can understand what it feels like to have him at my side.
Keep it up!




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Sun Oct 20, 2013 11:50 pm
emjayc wrote a review...



Hey again :) I'm back for chapter two. First thing, I really like your description of Molly's ears. Your use of metaphors is strong, which is great, especially since you don't use cliche metaphors. They really add interesting detail to your writing.

-I'm writing this as I read, so it's in order of what you wrote. I like how you didn't immediately say what happened to Lia's parents because it makes the reader want to keep reading in order to understand the situation.
-I wouldn't call Helen her "foster mom" because Lia is still in denial and does not want to lose her parents. She wouldn't be that close to Helen to refer to her using the term "mom".
-You wrote "Molly lay down and rest her head", it should say "Molly...restED", just a typo that I though I'd point out.
-Also, the way you describe Lia looking deep into Helen's "mysterious eyes" is kind of creepy, haha. I would phrase that somewhat differently. Helen is a stranger to Lia and you make Lia nearly sound facinated with her new "foster mom."
-I'm confused because you said there were two burned bodies coming out of the house on gurneys, but her dad didn't make it out of the house. They should have immediately let her know that her father had died. He should have been carried out in a body bag, just an observation.
-"Don't set your hopes TOO high" (spelling error)
-Okay, so I really like the ending to this chapter. Even though her mother's heart monitor would have already started flatlining and not have allowed a millisecond of silence. Your description of how Helen hugs her is excellent in my opinion because it is emotional and captures Lia's sense of loss and frustration. Also, I love the phrase "with grim looks sewn across their faces." Excellent. And the final sentence is great!
Keep writing, it's good :)





You can cut all the flowers, but you cannot stop Spring from coming.
— Pablo Neruda