I think I'm trapped in here, all alone in my fear
Blind as I look into the pitch black, in a cage by the bars at my back
I said that I'm alone, ignoring the sounds from the unknown
Crying out "How did I get here?" Answered by snorts like that of a steer
I'm afraid to move. Afraid to get up. Afraid to breathe. Afraid to give up.
Strike like a snake, bolt to the left for the out flank
Only in vain to go so far until I'm hit as if by a car
Hands grasp full of strength and power, covered by a presence hungry to devour
I still can't see it as if covered in melatonin, where the aroma that follows is almost feminine
It attacks as if to confirm this, a blow from the lips, a kiss.
Soft and sweet almost as if to refresh, but it starts to burn and sting ripping at my flesh
Realization begins to set in as I'm tossed back to where I began
Alone in the black with bars pressed against my back
Cornered by my greatest sin wondering on how I could of let it in.
It called itself love with a face full of beauty, a mask for lust, a creature of its own duty
Giggles of pleasure pierce through the darkness, while my one friend now warden reduces me to ashes
Will anyone notice? Will I be found? Will I rot in here? Will I always be bound?
Tears fall down my face at the recognition of my disgrace
Scream with anger for it to be done, yell with authority when I have none
I want to be free, but still I carry on, soul in a cage by the devil's pawn
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Honestly, it was a good attempt for your second poem. However, I feel that this would have worked better as a free-verse piece than as a lyrical rhyme piece. The rhymes were rather trite and seemed to disrupt the flow of the piece itself. You would also, as I believe someone already said, like to separate the stanzas out a little bit so that they look like...well...proper stanzas. Also, there were some punctuation errors I managed to note in here. Maybe try and straighten those out as well.
Now, for the good things. I liked your use of imagery and metaphors. Overall, your descriptive language was very nice, however, I still feel it would have been more successful without the rhyming. Perhaps re-edit this piece into free verse? Speaking of, if you ever need any help with free-verse, in case you do want to write it in the future, feel free to shoot me a message.
In conclusion, I think that this was not a bad piece, especially not for your second poem. However, next time, I would try one without rhyming, as the rhyme here seemed a bit too contrived. I would also straighten out your format.
Hope this helps, at least somewhat.
Salut,
xxFleetingEternity
Hello, these sounds good, but you don't have to rhythm in every line. I LOVE your pretty WORDS, but before you post it make sure you re-read it.
"I want to be free, but still I carry on, soul in a cage by the devil's pawn" i think you should "my" in these line. Some words wasn't needed but its good to know you have a big vocabulary.
Hello! (WARNING: extensive coding ahead, beware)
For you second poem ever, this is pretty good. You had some really good images and some nice poetic language. Really, I think most of the words you used are absolutely wonderful!
Some things I would suggest for this particular poem:
-The rhymes are very forced. It sounds like you're just rhyming for the sake of rhyming. This can especially be seen in lines such as
It just doesn't sound right to me. I also feel like your original meaning was muddled by the rhymes. I have no idea what you meant to say in this poem. I was attracted by the title: I felt like this poem would house something deep, and I still think it does, it's just covered over and obscured by the forced rhyme. If I were you, I'd go through this and ask myself: "Did I put in this part just to achieve a rhyme? Or to make a rhyme elsewhere make sense in the story line?" If yes, just get rid of that. You CAN write free-verse poems, you know. Also in a couple places it doesn't even rhyme, such as
Some places are close rhymes, but not close enough to actually rhyme, if you know what I mean. Some examples of that would be where you had "melatonin" & "feminine," "set in" & "began," and "flank" & "snake."
This might be easier to read if you added some more punctuation. Periods at the end of your sentences, commas when you need them. This will be only to send your point across more clearly.
I think some shorter lines would help this poem a lot too. For example, this is how I would change the first couple lines (minus my rhyming ideas)
"I think I'm trapped in here, new line here
all alone in my fear,
Blind as I look into the pitch black, new line
in a cage by the bars at my back.
I said that I'm alone, new line
ignoring the sounds from the unknown.
Crying out "How did I get here?" new line
Answered by snorts like that of a steer."
Now that's just the technical stuff. Content-wise, many of your sentences don't make sense to me. Not to say that all poems have to make sense, but they way you wrote this one, you seem to be trying to tell a story. For example you say"
Who/what is blind? It is not immediately clear, (although we can guess with a surety that it is the narrator who is). I'd maybe add subjects to your lines without them, and also verbs to those lines missing verbs. I would change that line that I spoke of before to:
"I'm blind as I look into the pitch black, as I sit in a cage, with
bythe bars at my back."That makes much more sense now, doesn't it?
Once you clear out all these things, I think you poem will be much easier to understand. If you're having trouble determining what to do with all of your words still, feel free to PM me!
Keep writing!
~Fortis
Hey thanks for the review. Like I said in the description the rhyming is rough