I know you worn and beaten friend
with those tired and sleepy eyes
By the way that drooped face gazes at nothing
probably looking at all your doubts and fears
and the dreams that have gone away.
on this bus to work, I know you
and when I see you nothing seems alright
as if the world has brought your soul to its knees
forced to play along to its awful song
while working its hate producing machine
then as if by a miracle that smile appears
when someone ask “are you you okay”
I know you because when they walk away
stretched lips fade back to where they began
we all know you as the days go on
nothing changes, nothing gets better
so tired in that seat next to mine
as that blank gaze contemplates reasons
on why to live, and what's the point to it all
and yet they still ask “are you okay?’
out of a battle of the mind and heart
rises a smile and a voice to say you’re fine
I know you by the way you live
and the friends you have
those people who dont ask if you’re okay
because they know you are fine
yet, fine is not okay and okay is not alright
but are held in positions of equality
I know you because I have seen you
every day on this transit for four years
I know all your hidden potential
that this world may never see
the greatness just barely covered up in disgrace
that pushes hopes and dreams away
because thats not you
then again, what If I dont know you?
maybe you’re just tired for other reasons
maybe you have a family that kept you awake in laughter
or held your baby as it screamed at the dark
No, I dont know you
you are you and I am me
I know nothing about the life you lead
I’ll never know your thought or deep feelings
who you love or who you trust
I could be wrong,
and your worlds in perfect order
maybe fine means okay
and you’re alright, just a little tired
I dont know you,
but, perhap I know me
when I look at you
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hai! Alex here to review for blue team! (EICWP)
I think they made the poem a very interesting read!
I always like to start with the positives when writing reviews! So I will now!
I actually liked the idea of the poem as a whole and you pulled out some great vocabulary or "Literary devices" as the teachers say!
However there are some pretty major problems with this too, fix them and this will be absolutely splendid
One of the most noticeable and major problems is the fact that you have no capitals what so ever except for the occasional "I" or "By"! You NEED to remember this when writing any work as it makes it look sloppy and low quality.
Another problem is the absence of punctuation, this is also a major thing in all works and it to is important! Some parts of the poem won't make sense without poetry for example:
Should be:
There are a few more but you should be able to see them.
Also remember to have a comma or period at the end of each line and to have a fairly consistent verse size!
I think that is it! Once again I liked this work and you have talent but you need to remember some of the basic rules.
Alex out, beep.
Hi, Your poem is quite well thought out and seems to tell a story or a persons train of thought. I think that many can relate to it I know I do. I like how the person starts out more confident then seems to second guess what they have said and changes it still staying fairly certain. That is my view at least. I think my favorite line is
"But, prehap I know me
when I look at you"
Because its true that sometimes looking at other people helps us see ourselves.
You may want to change this line though,
"when someone ask “are you you okay” "
to
When someone asks "are you okay"
Great poem though and longer than anything I've written lol.
Hey!
Apple Dumpling gang member here for a review!
There are some spelling errors, but I'll leave that to you.
Also, and this is bugging me, was the 'you' on the first line intentional? It seems a bit too flippant ad makes the poem sound more like a song. But if that's what you wanted, its okay
I really loved this poem as it is. I feel your helplessness, and the fact that you don't feel like you have any say in that person's life really speaks to me.
My favorite part was the last stanza:
This was because you gave the poem a really well-rounded ending that made links to previous portions, such as 'maybe fine means okay', and you gave an interesting conclusion with the last two lines. The combined effect of that really made this poem stand out. Maybe the last three lines would work better as a stanza by itself? Just a thought.
For this part:
I think the transition between subjects here was a little choppy. I mean, at first the poem elaborates on the persona's friend's mental and spiritual exhaustion, but then you suddenly move on to a jarring statement.
I think what you were trying to say here is not that you didn't know him, but more that you can't be sure what the problem is, that that ignorance leads to your helplessness.
On the whole, I liked how the poem flowed, from observing the issue, to seeing the problem, doubting it, then reducing it to its base nature. I think you could really make this poem better by making the flow more apparent from the start. To make these issues stand out more.
Anyway, that's it for me. PM me if you need help!
Keep Writing~
-Binder