"Mayday! machine crackles Mayday! we've been cornered, please.....pl...ea...se I have a ki....d machine crackles I can't be taken.......please!"
"End of transmission, to hear message again press repeat" The robotic voice says sharply in my ear.
"That's the second team we've lost this month" I sigh as I put the receiver inside the video phones case. I slide open the old van door an let the bright sunlight illuminate the dark insides. The glare of the sun makes me squint as I swing my legs over the edge of the van so they hang over just above the ground. I hop down and stretch, as I raise my arms in the air I hear a few bones crack. "Seriously? I'm only twenty two and I feel like an eighty year old. I thought exercise was good for you?."
"Hey Hayley!" I jump at the sudden noise, slipping slightly on the loose gravel. I raise my head and look to my right, I see a blurry figure running towards me, I squint my eyes to make it out but to no avail. From my left jean pocket I pull out an old pair of ray bans and slide them over my eyes. The figure becomes less blurred and I wave happily when I see who it is.
"Hey Lola!" I shout as she draws nearer her small figure becomes more detailed. Like I said she has a small figure, long brown chocolate colored hair and deep blue eyes. Lola, being Portuguese in origin still has a hint of an accent but it's understandable. (Her English is probably better than mine.) Her lightly tanned skin looks darker than normal in the light. Lola is seventeen but looks younger. I almost laugh at the excited look on her face. "What's up kid?" I ask knowing full well it annoys her.
*Authors note: This is a re-write to the original Mayday! I was wondering weather it worked better in first person rather than the third. Reviews are appreciated. Comment for which one you think would work better*
PS I know this may be awful but I will be editing it.
Sphealwithit out...
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, it looks like that's a transmission by someone that was potentially lost in the field there judging by the crackling and everything going on there, and the robotic voice transmitting it suggests we're hearing a transmission back at some sort of headquarters after everything has gone down here. Certainly a few mysterious points to start off on here.
Okay, looks like a bit of a commanding officer of sorts here that's stuck in a tough situation where a couple of teams have gone missing to whatever mysterious circumstance that was...and well it looks like someone under quite some pressure there if the whole "I feel like a eighty year old thing is trying to say something"...on the whole, well looks like an interesting situation here.
Okay, well it went from a dramatic looking situation to a friend running into another friend here, not gonna lie that kind of breaks the whole feeling of an epic war situation or something cause this turned into a meeting between two random friends now...I was expecting more titles and stuff to be going on here...well, at any rate, its an interesting turn of events here although I do have to say you need to be sure which tone you want to bring across here, are things headed for a calmer friendly meeting vibe or a dangerous mission sort of vibe.
Okay, looks like a little bit of hidden backstory but again its very much dragging away from that main hook you got things started on, so its a little bit too sudden of a change there...and it feels like the whole thing that caught our attention as readers gets completely forgotten about here, not to mention this does feel a bit incomplete here, this ending is neither a cliffhanger nor a properly satisfying ending, its kind of in the middle...and needs a bit of rewriting here. Overall, sounds like an interesting story could be going on here, but it needs a bit of work to reach its full potential here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, this isn't awful. Trying new things is never awful
This is good. I won't say better than the real one. It's just good in a different way. Since I've read your original piece, this is awkward to me as of how you are going to take this, in this manner. Okay so now the review, Hayley is all alone until Lola comes in which happens only in the third paragraph so why have you quoted Hayley's words. A certain few things like"goddamn it", "Damn" can be quoted even if the person is alone but the whole sentence? It's like she is mad or something.Make it as her thought. And again you are narrating the story and you are the first person so don't bracket your thoughts let it be like any normal line 
Re-write the whole chapter maybe then we can see which one is better. Keep up the good work.
"..........old van door an let the bright sunlight......." It's "and"
These are just my opinions
Happy writing!!!
Cheers!!!!
Knight Malachi here to review again.
But you have a comma that should be a period when it says "end of transmission."
So this seems much better. I like the first person actually. A lot. and your description seems a lot better. And I believe I know who the team is that was lost.
Now, every time you have someone speak it needs to start a new line. If not everything ends up squashed together, and much harder to read. But overall a much better beginning.
Thanks glad you like it