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Young Writers Society



Network of Keys Chapter 4: Cynthia, The Next Morning (being worked on)

by rainbowcabbit


~Cynthia~

Oh no, the thought spreads across my mind as consciousness flickers back on, not now...

The golden light of dawn shines on my face, greeting me with a brand new day. I, particularly dreading today, shield myself with a clean white pillow. Relaxing in the comfort of my bed, I let this newly found darkness ease me back to sleep. 

Suddenly an obscenely loud crowing splits the silence, tearing my ears apart. Before I can recover even slightly from the noise, something begins to batter me through the pillow. A scream escapes my mouth, but it's silenced by the pillow. Unpredictably, a childish cry erupts, but not from my mouth. It is now that I can remove the pillow and see Ky's stunned face way behind it. His wide golden eyes aren't the only telltale signs of his shock, as his fur is bristled and his tail is stiff.  

"S-s-s-s" he starts fearfully, unable to utter whatever he wants to say.

That's when I feel the heat coming from the pillow. A little, ruby flame dances on it ominously. Jet-black burns start to stain the pillow as the stench of smoke reaches my nose. Instantly, my face grows hot.

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77 Reviews

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Reviews: 77

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Sun Mar 16, 2014 11:58 pm
AdjiFlex wrote a review...



Hello again. This chapter is pretty nice. It is much more descriptive than the previous ones, and I like that Ky is still practically as crucial to the story as Cynthia. Ky has also gotten some more description, so I know now he's more of a cattish thing than a dogish thing. It still looks like a pokemon in my mind though, which I think is a good thing.

There are a few nitpicks I could do, but the one that really confused me for a second was "needle like"- that certainly needs to be hyphenated. After proofreading your work again the other simple mistakes will disappear I trust.

Technical stuff aside, I really wanted Cynthia's journey to the tower to be more elaborate. I mean, she is being sent off by the mayor to save her town, so a little mini-bus seems too simple there. It would be great to see the mayor there, and even some of the townspeople, either at the place where she was picked up or at the tower where she is dropped off.

The suspense about this tower and its connection to the end of the world is really building. I do hope to see what's in the tower in the next chapter.

Keep writing
Adam-Clay




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170 Reviews

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Reviews: 170

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Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:13 pm
yubbies21 wrote a review...



Hello! It's review Day!

I like the sort of swearing you have one of the characters use:

"DEAR GODS AND GODDESSES," I gasp,

It's unique! Very different from what I've seen other's use...

The ending is very spooky, scary even...
Ky's worried voice interrupts my thoughts, "Meweeerrrp? I mean, what is that?"

"That's the Tearing," a voice says out of nowhere, causing both Ky and I to jump.

~~~


Very creative chapter!

Happy Review Day!

yubbies21




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508 Reviews

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Sun Oct 13, 2013 3:22 am
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical:

""Speak human," lectures I."

My my. "lectures I" needs to be fixed. "I lecture" would be better, but even then, don't substitute too many for synonyms for "say".

" A needle like pain shoots through my ankle."

You say Ky's sitting there, but what exactly did he do? That's never clarified.

"Errrrrrrrrch, the obscenely bright, white bus screeches as it comes to a stop"

Two italics back to back make this feel like the Erch is part of the MC's thoughts. So two things. One, always make sound effects a separate sentence (and this one could probably use an exclamation point). Two, for this section, it be best to stick the Erch after "The obscenely bright, white...comes to a stop."

"Black tinted windows align it's sides and a black horizontal stripe runs through it."

"It's" should be "its". And I feel like you need to describe the black horizontal stripe differently. Maybe mention that it matches the color of the windows, or that it's a charcoal, onyx, or obsidian colored stripe. I'm not saying this is bad, it just needs a little more variety.

"My only comfort seems to be Ky's impossible enthusiasm."

Seems to be? Or is? I feel like that could be worded stronger.

Hope this helps!






Thank you :)




This report, by its very length, defends itself against the risk of being read.
— Winston Churchill