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The snowy Moor

by Maia


The snowflakes fell

As the wind roared,

The church bell rang

Around the Moor.

The hills were white,

The sheep were in

And the old Man slept

With his bottle of Gin.


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Sun Sep 29, 2013 11:59 pm
dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



Knight Dragon, here to bestow the 65th and final Review Day review from this Knight!

Technical:
"As the wind roared,", this should have a period instead of a comma, or a semi-colon. But I think it flows better with a period.

Otherwise this poem really captures what you're going for with the white snow, and the old man implies white hair, which is a call back to the snow. So are the sheep, with their "snow white" coats of fur, although you didn't call them that. Very good job.

Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!




Maia says...


Thanks for your review!



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:19 am
DreamWork wrote a review...



Hi Maia,Dark here to give review on your poem!

It is very beautiful in every details and imagination that is formed into a stunning view.This is the real strength of your poem.

# The snowflakes fell

As the wind roared, -->Description of the wind is so breathtaking. It bring effect to your poem and the reader too!Well done.

# The church bell rang

Around the Moor. -->My gosh,this is beautiful even though it simple.

# The hills were white,-->the description the the hills covered by the snow is just too beautiful to imagine.

The sheep were in-->What is this line means?The sheep were in? Into what?

And the old Man slept

With his bottle of Gin. -->It's clear you have a strong imagination here.I can see the potential here!Keep it up.I like how the rhythm flow smoothly :)
Kudos,cheers
~Dark




Maia says...


Thanks for reviewing! With the line: the sheep were in I mean that they were in the barn and not out on the hills.



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:56 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Knight Malachi here to review for Review Day, and the Green Room Knights.

This poem was short,fast,concise, and hilarious. Your descriptive language and detail made this not only easy to read, but very easy to envision as well.

The hills were white,
I don't know why, but I LOVE that line. It seems like such a perfect way to convey snow-covered hills.
When reading this (at least for this is true) I was expecting it to have some interesting meaning at the end . . . and it did. Just not the type of interesting i was expecting. It totally threw me off in a good way. The ending was so funny. good job.
Keep it up!




Maia says...


Thanks for reviewing!



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:45 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there Maia! It looks like you joined a while back but haven't posted much yet. Welcome and I hope you're enjoying the site! Nite here from Team Rouge to review.

For starters, I really liked your imagery here. It's difficult to make strong images that aren't cliche, so kudos!

The snowflakes fell

As the wind roared,

The church bell rang

Around the Moor.


A few nitpicks here. The comma at the second line should be a period. Bells should be plural.

I don't think "Around" feels right here. I think "Across" would fit better.

And the old Man slept

With his bottle of Gin.


Didn't get the capitalization here. "Man" and "gin" are common nouns, so it seems like an odd emphasis.

Overall, I did love this. You set up a lovely setting well and then contrasted it with the old man. However, it does feel incomplete. A poem doesn't have to be long to be great, but to me, this feels like the beginning of a longer narrative piece. However, it's up to you whether you want to expand or not.

Welcome again and I'd love to see more poems from you in the future! :)




Maia says...


Thanks for reviewing! I'm planning on continuing it but I'm finding it difficult to get something that fits.




If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
— Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"