z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Kira's Story, Chapter 1

by dragonfphoenix


Main Story, Chapter 1

“Where are we going?” she yelled as they ran past the twin guard towers, their white stone stained a golden yellow by the sunlight.

“This way!” her guide said as they fled through the open gates and sped to their right, into the vacant plaza. She could hear the heavy thud of boots against the stony surface as the palace guards pursued them. Her friend had barely escaped to warn her of the uprising, and now that warning may have arrived too late. “Don’t worry.” he called over his shoulder as they raced along the palace’s outer wall, “We’ll be safe once…” But his words were cut short as he stumbled and fell in front of her. The cobblestones turned red from his wound, hit by an archer above.

“Caden!” she screamed, trying not to trample him and dropping the dagger he’d given her earlier as she stumbled over him. He sat up heavily, the arrow lodged in his chest.

“Go.” he said forcefully, glancing over her shoulder at the approaching soldiers.

“But…”

“Go!” he yelled over her objections, pulling his dagger out with his left hand. She glanced back at the troop chasing her, then squealed as another arrow fell from the wall, this time barely grazing her shoulder and causing little damage. Her eyes locked with Caden’s, and his stare was firm, telling her to go. She turned away reluctantly and ran.

She sprinted as fast as she could, the ragged edge of her skirt, which she’d cut much shorter with the dagger Caden had given her, beating against her thighs. The road was almost completely empty, save for the sounds of the palace guards behind her and the few wandering birds overhead. The Imperial Garden loomed up ahead, but her hopes of escaping pursuit were no greater there than anywhere else: the nearest buildings were well over three-hundred paces away. The Garden, only one-hundred square paces, was barely twenty paces away, and the few trees it contained were poor cover. Nevertheless, that was her only option at this point, short of someone coming to her aid. She could see the iron fence surrounding the Gardens, its two high gates open to admit the nobility into their small, private forest. The lane leading to the fountain in the Gardens’ center was clear, leaving a perfect view of the sparkling water shooting up out of the cement fountain. Under less threatening circumstances she would have stopped to admire the natural beauty of the cascading streams, but her legs were already tiring and the guards were catching up. She glanced behind her and gasped as she saw two scouts with blades drawn sprinting towards her, easily outdistancing the heavier guards. She looked back at the fountain and struggled to regain her breath. No more screaming, she decided, as she ran the rest of the way and fell stumbling through the gate, then collapsed onto the rough dirt path. She tried to push herself back up, but fell heavily back onto the ground, and fought a losing battle to keep the world in focus. Her vision began to blur, and then went black as she heard several others rush up to her. The last thing she remembered before passing out was a pair of hands gently grabbing her by the shoulders.

“Where did she go?” the sergeant demanded as he surveyed the troop of soldiers surrounding the place where their query had supposedly vanished. The two scouts had reported that when they had run over to where she’d fallen, she simply disappeared. There was no suspicious smoke, no flash, and not even a small animal to suggest that she’d been taken or had orchestrated any escape. She’d simply fallen down on the ground and then she was gone. “You there,” the sergeant said, turning his attention to the two scouts who had pursued her. “Where did she go? You were the last to see her.”

“We told you, sir.” the first said, “We were pursuing her as ordered, and she collapsed, from fatigue or from the poison in the arrowhead we’re not sure, and then when I reached her I attempted to grab her and she vanished.”

“People don’t just vanish into thin air, fool.” the sergeant growled, glaring at his inferior. “How did she manage to escape two well-trained scouts and an entire command of palace guards? Can anyone answer me that? One lousy woman! She’s not even an adult yet, you imbeciles, and she made you look like a bunch of school children.” He began to wave his fists in the air to vent his frustration, then pulled them down at his side and breathed heavily through his nose.

“Sir, we still have the prisoner.” the second scout said, trying to calm his superior.

“Ah yes, the traitor who helped her get away. Bring him over here!” the sergeant ordered, his head snapping up to search for the captured elf. The sergeant watched almost hungrily as two soldiers brought the injured Caden, bound hand and foot in chains, and roughly shoved him onto the ground in front of him. “Well, Caden, what do you have to say?” the sergeant asked as he kneeled down to Caden’s height, a wicked gleam in his eyes. “You are guilty of treason, and as such I should have you executed.”

“I’m already going to die.” Caden said through muscle spasms as the poison worked its way through his system. He curled over his knees to try to alleviate some of the pain, but the sergeant reached over and pushed his head back up to look into his eyes. Their eyes locked silently, Caden’s full of resolve and the sergeant’s dripping with acidic hatred.

“Well, then we’ll just have to fix that.” the sergeant replied, grinning cruelly. “Tell you what: you tell me what happened to Kira, and I’ll give you the antidote and a day’s head-start. Fair enough?”

“I wouldn’t tell you even if I did know, Masa.” Caden said, a contented grin on his face. “I’m going to die…” He slumped over, and his breathing stopped. The sergeant stood up angrily, shoving the limp form down, and kicked the body over.

“Curse it!” Masa growled. He spun and glared at the soldiers standing nearby. “Well? What are you waiting for? I want this entire area searched top to bottom: under every tree, stone, even the fountain. Find that girl!”

Kira opened her eyes and sat up groggily. She was sitting on lush, green grass, in an unknown park, and she had no idea how she got there, or even where she was. Her shoulder ached slightly, and as she sat forward she saw the rough, shaggy bark of the tree she was slumped against. Although her mind was still a little hazy, she remembered being chased from the palace by the turncoats serving Obsidian, and fleeing with Caden from the palace into the Inner Sanctuary, then losing Caden and running into the Imperial Gardens. But after that, she wasn’t sure what had happened. She had fallen, and now, she had woken up in another place, or she was still lying on the Gardens’ path, dreaming. She’d had a dream like this once, but that was nothing like this one, if it were a dream. She glanced at her surroundings, sitting up off the tree which was to her right; off to the right, around the tree, was a strange, triangular structure made of steel. She thought it was called a swing-set, and then didn’t know how she knew that. There was a corkscrew slide next to the swings, and a spherical jungle gym across the playground from where she sat. Beyond the bench at the left edge of the playground were four metal poles supporting white backboards and orange hoops. Only one of the basketball goals had a net, fraying from its exposure to the elements. There were apartment buildings maybe a hundred paces beyond the far side of the playground, and a cement sidewalk ran from the buildings towards the road behind her, dividing the basketball courts from the playground. The park was quiet, except for the sounds of cars driving on the road.

“Are you okay?” a voice asked behind her. She gasped, and turned around. A boy, perhaps sixteen years old, stood looking around the tree trunk at her. His brown hair was a tangled mess that fell into his face, and his dark eyes were bright and inquisitive. “You ran into the tree. That must’ve hurt.”

“I…” she said uncertainly. She didn’t recall running into the tree, but her head started throbbing to reinforce his point. “I did?”

“Yeah, you ran into it at a dead sprint.” he said, grinning. She cringed at his use of the word ‘dead’, but he didn’t seem to notice. “Are you sure you’re okay? You must’ve hit your head pretty hard to not remember that.”

“Yes, I’m fine.” Kira said, gently rubbing her forehead. “Where am I?”

“Where are you?” the boy asked, smiling more broadly. “You seriously don’t know? You’re in Indy, the greatest place on Earth. ‘Course, that’s just my opinion.” he said sheepishly, shaking his head. “I’m Landon. What’s your name?”

“I’m not sure.” she said, her training kicking in. She didn’t know if she could trust him, and she had no idea where Indy was. As she wondered about her new environment and this strange boy, Caden’s words echoed through her head, ‘Talking is always last: look, analyze, strategize, talk.’ Her thoughts were interrupted by the boy’s response.

“Well, why don’t you come to my place and get a drink or something? Maybe you’ll feel better after you’ve been out of the sun for a while.” he said, offering his hand to help her up. She cautiously took it, and he firmly pulled her up. “Come on, it’s just over there.” he said, pointing at the nearest apartment building.

They walked on the sidewalk towards the complex, and she easily outdistanced him with just a few steps. She stopped and looked back, and saw that he was staring at her in shock.

“Well, you’re obviously feeling fine.” Landon said, shaking his head in wonder, “You just glide over the sidewalk. I wish I could walk that easily, then running wouldn’t be so hard.” He jogged over and caught up, then ran ahead. “Come on.” he called over his shoulder, a broad grin on his face. She looked at him strangely, but went on. He was running, yet he seemed so…slow. She was barely walking and she was keeping pace with him.

He turned onto the right lane, which was a dead end lined by an apartment building on both sides. He ran up to the main door of the building on the right, and pulled out a key from his pocket, quickly unlocking the door. “After you.” Landon said, holding the door open. She walked through with a sideways glance at him, and found herself standing on a dimly lit landing of a staircase. To her left, a hallway opened into rows of doors, presumably leading into individual apartments. Directly in front of her was a staircase that led up to the second floor, then turned and went up to the top floor.

“My mom’s unit is on the top floor.” Landon said as he stepped around her, fishing in his pocket for the other key. Kira waited until he was halfway up the second flight of steps before coming up after him; they reached the top floor at the same time. “You move fast.” he said, eyebrows arched, as she came up beside him.

“You move slow.” she retorted. He laughed and stepped around the railing into the hallway. He walked past the apartment doors, which had their numbers affixed to the center in golden metal plates. “Three…two…one…” Landon said, counting his steps before stopping in front of a door marked ‘314’. He stuck the key into the knob and turned, pushing the door open. It swung in gently, then squealed loudly on its hinges as it slowly came to a rest. Landon cringed at the sound, and smiled apologetically. “Sorry,” he said, “We still need to oil that.” He stepped in, and motioned Kira in after him. “Mom, I’m home!” he called, shutting the door behind Kira.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
189 Reviews


Points: 398
Reviews: 189

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:29 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hi you!
Happy Review Day!
manisha here to review for Team Rouge.
The Green Room is filled with your works so I decided to review them all(If I can ) XD

I'll review this as I read.
As already pointed out, your first line is the best one to start with. The others have explained that well to you so I'll skip that.

“This way!” her guide said as they fled through the open gates and sped to their right, into the vacant plaza. She could hear the heavy thud of boots against the stony surface as the palace guards pursued them. Her friend had barely escaped to warn her of the uprising, and now that warning may have arrived too late. “Don’t worry.” he called over his shoulder as they raced along the palace’s outer wall, “We’ll be safe once…” But his words were cut short as he stumbled and fell in front of her. The cobblestones turned red from his wound, hit by an archer above.

You need to break up the paragraphs. The dialogues come in separate lines. This makes it easier for the writer to read and follow.
I've done para for you-
“This way!” her guide said as they fled through the open gates and sped to their right, into the vacant plaza.
She could hear the heavy thud of boots against the stony surface as the palace guards pursued them. Her friend had barely escaped to warn her of the uprising, and now that warning may have arrived too late.
“Don’t worry,” he called over his shoulder as they raced along the palace’s outer wall, “We’ll be safe once…” But his words were cut short as he stumbled and fell in front of her. The cobblestones turned red from his wound, hit by an archer above.


Another thing I noticed is that you put a full stop in the dialogues.
“Go.” he said forcefully,
Its
"Go,"he said, forcefully.
or
"Go." He said forcefully.
You seem to have huge blocks of paragraphs that are not at all eye pleasing, let alone trying to read them. Break them up.

he Imperial Garden loomed up ahead, but her hopes of escaping pursuit were no greater there than anywhere else: the nearest buildings were well over three-hundred paces away.[/quote]
I do not understand what you mean here? I would suggest you rephrase it.

Overall, it was good. You got better in the end. Though your structure needs working on the flow is good. You have some bad as well as some good points here.
I hope I helped!
I look forward to reading more.
-manisha




User avatar
289 Reviews


Points: 30323
Reviews: 289

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 9:51 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey there knight dragon, I've been hearing a lot of you from Hannah, so I thought, as a fellow Knight, I'd drop by and give you a review!

My first impression of this was a confused one. I have no idea what's going on, let alone your main character. First she's somewhere (where?) and then she's somewhere else, which I assume is earth. The concept is very interesting, but I think you could smooth a few things out. I don't really understand why there was an uprising or why she's running, but that will be revealed in time. For now, all I know is that she is running. Grazed by a poison bolt no doubt. I wonder what kind of poison it is. Slow enough for Caden to be interrogated by the sergeant, but fast enough for him to conveniently die. Details, however. I suppose it's not that important. What is important is that she's suddenly plunged into an under-described earth. I mean, what? You kind of describe the gym, but then you don't really describe anything else much. I kind of know where Kira is now, broadly speaking, but not specifically, which could be a problem. Perhaps add a few subtle details somewhere.

Most concerning, however, is the fact Kira walks off with a completely random stranger. I get she's lost, confused and in a new world, but that is not adequate motivation for her to walk off with a stranger, especially considering she just came out of a pursuit. Further, I have to ask, what kind of person invites a complete stranger, popped out from nowhere, for a drink? A rapist, that's who. Or a very stupid person. Isn't that like, the first thing you're taught NOT to do? Maybe there's a completely valid reason, but I can't see it. Most likely you just needed to have Kira meet Landon. She seems to be remarkably cheerful, on that note, not at all phased by the death of someone who was clearly important to her, and an uprising in her home kingdom. How does she understand english? How does she know what a basketball hoop is? You may want to consider these things. For me, it seriously takes me out of the universe in question, and the chapter lost all credibility after that.

Hope this helped,
-Ita




User avatar
83 Reviews


Points: 1115
Reviews: 83

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 3:57 am
View Likes
skorlir wrote a review...



Take with salt; mind the edges.

“Where are we going?” she yelled as they ran past the twin guard towers, their white stone stained a golden yellow by the sunlight.


Break after dialogue, create suspense, slowly reveal the scene, and fix the antecedent error (in red).

I have no anticipation. Try rephrasing your opening.

“This way!” her guide said as they fled through the open gates and sped to their right, into the vacant plaza. She could hear the heavy thud of boots against the stony surface as the palace guards pursued them. Her friend had barely escaped to warn her of the uprising, and now that warning may have arrived too late. “Don’t worry.” he called over his shoulder as they raced along the palace’s outer wall,


Block-text-effect. Generally consider breaking the action into more paragraphs.

Run-on, run-on, random storyline. There's no subtlety. The structure is too lengthy and the reader is lost in the spaces punctuation was designed to occupy.

More specifically: "her guide" is nondescript and boring; "she could hear the heavy thud of boots against the stony surface as the palace guards pursued them" could just as easily be "thundering boots pursued them;" "her friend had barely escaped to warn her of the uprising" has no context and means nothing to me - I don't even know where I am, let alone why I should care about an uprising I have no account of... and so forth.

“We’ll be safe once…” But his words were cut short as he stumbled and fell in front of her. The cobblestones turned red from his wound, hit by an archer above.


Your structure is either incorrect or confusing. The break-off in dialogue should be signified by a long dash (em dash); "But his words were cut short" can be entirely cut and the scene still follows; "The cobblestones turned red from his wound, hit by an archer above" suffers preposition misuse and antecedent error (is the wound hit by the archer?).

These are all general comments which underscore the feel of the entire work thus far. Do not hesitate to contact me with questions or quarrels, and feel free to take or leave any suggestions.

“Caden!” she screamed, trying not to trample him and dropping the dagger he’d given her earlier as she stumbled over him. He sat up heavily, the arrow lodged in his chest.


None of this follows or transitions. Now we have a dead kid's name. I don't care about Caden - the story very abruptly introduces and kills him, and I feel nothing for him. Apparently he gave the main character a dagger?

I'm not finishing your story; not now. But when it has been improved, I would be glad to see it again. This is my verdict:

Rewind. Introduce the characters and create progression. You have an idea, but there's no basis - the story is flat and superficial, bursting with meaningless activity that has no context. So back up. Give it context. Make it real.

~Skorlir




skorlir says...


And don't be dismayed by my review! Foremost, in all of this: you have a story. Now you simply must improve it. I would love to work with you on that if you like, but revise some first.



User avatar
332 Reviews


Points: 10657
Reviews: 332

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 2:53 am
View Likes
Blackwood wrote a review...



You have raided the green room, spammed your works into infinity from free work day. You are insane.

“Where are we going?” she yelled as they ran past the twin guard towers, their white stone stained a golden yellow by the sunlight.


First line is first impression. First impression is everything.
For me this just doesn't cut it. Its not bad or wrong, it isn't phrased the best and starting with dialogue usually puts me off. The dialogue itself in an incredibly cliched line, especially to start with.

Diving into the first paragraph does not show good execution. Dialogue starts on a new line, capital letters are missing, and it is confusing.
“This way!” Her guide said as they fled through the open gates and sped to their right, into the vacant plaza. She could hear the heavy thud of boots against the stony surface as the palace guards pursued them. Her friend had barely escaped to warn her of the uprising, and now that warning may have arrived too late.
“Don’t worry.” he called over his shoulder as they raced along the palace’s outer wall, “We’ll be safe once…” But his words were cut short as he stumbled and fell in front of her. The cobblestones turned red from his wound, hit by an archer above.


Who is she? I have no connection to this charter because you keep referring to her as she and I have no insight to her thoughts, or who she is. You need something to anchor the reader.
Just letting you know, I am being extremely picky here just because it is the first chapter and as I said before, first impressions are everything, You want to hook your read, you want to clean this up.
I know you can do it, because Kingdom of boredom was done absolutely fine, so I know you have the ability to lay this out properly.

This intro is nothing special. It is completely cliche. We have no idea who Caden is in this context, the "Go" thing, like go without me, is very cliche. Running away from palace guards? I just feel like this has not worked for you as your opening to your story.

the nearest buildings were well over three-hundred paces away. The Garden, only one-hundred square paces, was barely twenty paces away

What the heck?
Yeah. I think you can tell whats wrong with that, its very confusing.

down on the ground and then she was gone.
“You there,” the sergeant said, turning his attention to the two scouts who had pursued her. “Where did she go? You were the last to see her.”
You need to fix a speech line break here.

The story gets better as it progresses. And seems fine minus the few errors. In general I feel your sentences are odd, too uniform and over descriptive, however you get into a better rhythm by the end o this chapter.

I really truly thing you should do a complete rewrite of the opening. It just isn't working for me, and it really doesn't cut the first impression. I'll see how I go with chapter two and give it a shot. Hopefully the formatting has improved in it.




User avatar
667 Reviews


Points: 11727
Reviews: 667

Donate
Sun Sep 29, 2013 12:37 am
Messenger wrote a review...



Knight Malachi here to review for Review Day.

This was good thinking over when I first read this Michael. I love starting it in the middle of the action, and Obsidian already seems like the really smart villain. Also, thank you for this, the second-in-command is not totally stupid as in some books.
Good description, and I must continue to my next review. Have fun on Review Day!
Keep it up!




Blackwood says...


Dude you should make your review longer, that was a really long chapter plus that wasn't really a review it was just praise. Just giving you some hints!



TheMessenger says...


I do usually make my reviews longer, but I have already read this on a different website, and didn't feel like saying much.



Blackwood says...


Then why did you "review" it?



TheMessenger says...


Because it was a review. A review does not have to include pointing out errors.




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro