Mayday Chapter 1

by sphealwithit

Published September 24, 2013

12+ Language

In Mayday!

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Mayday!

Mayday!

Chapter 1

A small girl walks though an abandoned city. The buildings have begun to decay. Roofs have fallen in and glass windows are broken. Smoke from distant fires can be seen. The girl sighs and drops her rucksack down in the shelter of an abandoned shop. From her rucksack she pulls a small blanket, the girl also removes a small canteen of water and a bag of what seems to be food. She then pushes the air out of her rucksack and places behind her. She lies down and pulls the blanket over herself, placing her head on the rucksack as a pillow. The girl soon falls asleep.

The girl is rudely awoken by the sound of guns. Car tiers screech as the approach sharp corners. Far off voices can be heard; as the cars come closer the voices become clearer. One noticeable voice is that of woman. The girl’s eyes widen as a sudden though pops into her head. “The rebel core”. The girl hurriedly sits up and begins to pack everything into her rucksack. She places the bag over her shoulder and moves to the shattered front window of the shop. At first she sees nothing but the dark remains of buildings but as the noises get closer she notices a large black van turn around a corner to her right. The sleek black paint is camouflaged in the moonlight and the windows are barley visible. The headlights are one full beam effectively blinding the girl until it comes to a halt just next to her hiding place.

The women’s voice can be heard clearly “We got them, but they have called for backup, grab whatever you can and let’s get moving” The small girl smiles to herself.

This is my chance; I won’t have to travel alone anymore. She finds herself stepping through the window and walking slowly towards the van. The woman has gone but a small boy with short hair stands outside it, he is fiddling with some type of computer. His face is contorted in concentration. Come on Lola you can do this. The girl thinks to herself. “Ummmm Hi” The boy jumps, startled. The device drops from his hands and he mumbles a quiet swear word.

Woah! Ammm hi?” The boy looks annoyed and confused.

Oh I’m sorry I thought you heard me” Lola hangs her head scared of what the boy might do. Noticing the scared tone in the girls voice the boy stops and walks to her.

Hey, it’s ok don’t be scared I’m not gonna’ hurt you” The boy smiles and places his hand on her back. He can feel the muscles tense and relax as she becomes aware of his touch.

But I made you drop your thing” Lola says quietly. The boy smiles and laughs quietly.

Piece of shit wasn’t gonna work anyway” “The names Mark by the way. What’s your name?””

Lola looks at the boy. He has fair features with medium length brown hair tucked behind one ear. His eyes are a chocolate brown and are framed with thick rimmed black glasses. He is smiling softly at her and Lola suddenly realises that she’s starting. “Oh well Ummmm as long as you’re sure and I’m Lola” Her cheeks turn pink and she looks away.

You look tired wanna’ go inside while we wait for the others?” Mark asks while sliding the van door open. Lola nods and makes her way into the van. Inside the lights that have been attached to the roof are on and there are blankets and pillows everywhere. In the far back lies a pile of electrical equipment. Must be Marks. Lola thinks to herself. The side of the van is filled with boxes and upon closer inspection Lola finds out that they are filled with water and food. Lola sits in the middle of the blankets and pillows and soon after the woman’s voice can be heard again.

Lola has her ear pressed against the cold van door. “Mark! Open the door, I’ve got a pile of crap here and I don’t wanna be carryin’ it anymore.”

Ammm you may wanna slow down for a bit there Hayley” Lola’s eyes widen. Hayley that’s her name. The women everyone’s after. Lola moves from the van door and slides back into the middle.

Why? What have you done?” Lola can hear the suspicion in Hayley’s voice.

Not so much something I’ve done more like what I found” says Mark slowly. Lola can hear Hayley’s gasp from were she is sitting.

Oh my god you found a puppy didn’t you? A cute little fur ball of adorableness” Lola stifles a laugh. Ha the woman that the city is afraid of is in love with puppies.

No, no it’s not a puppy, but it could be useful” Mark says with a smile in his voice.

Hmmmmm, I’m onto you, if I get in this van and there is a puppy I will put you on scouting duties for a week. How’s that sound?” Hayley says with a bit of authority.

Sounds fine to me” Laughs Mark knowing he’s right.

Hayley drops the bag she was varying on the floor with a thud. She pulls back the main van door to see Lola staring at her. “Oh!” says Hayley in surprise “It’s not a puppy but it is pretty cute” Hayley laughs while pulling herself in to the van.

Lola’s eyes brighten at being called cute and she laughs quietly. Hayley has finished pulling her bag into the van and turns to face Lola. “Hi, I’m Hayley leader of this lovely group of rebels. Who are you?”

Oh I’m Lola” Hayley smiles.

Nice to meet you but if I may, can I ask one little question?” Hayley’s eyes look happy but there is a glint of something that Lola cant quiet put her finger on.

Yeah sure” Lola smiles.

What’s a young girl like you doing out on your own?” Hayley looks sad for a moment. “This is no place for a teenager” The last sentence is quieter and more nostalgic than the last.

Oh... Well I was in a group, it was me my mum and dad and a few of their friends. We were doin’ pretty well but when we went to close to the cities boundary, they got us. I managed to get away but my parents and friends were taken.” Lola looks down at her hands. She fiddles with her thumbs before finishing “I came to look for your group actually.” Hayley’s eyes look sad as she sits forward and hugs Lola.

Well you found us now and I promise that we’ll find your family. How’s that sound?” Hayley asks while letting Lola go and smiling.

You would do that for me? A stranger?” smiles Lola excitedly.

We’ve lost too many good people to that city and I won’t let that happen anymore.” Hayley says a sound of motivation in her voice.

Thank you thank you so much” Lola says while hugging Hayley tightly.

Hayley laughs. “There is one thing though”

What’s that?” Asks Lola her smile fading.

Well me and my group don’t know you, hell you could be working for them. I don’t need another spy in my group. We didn’t notice last time but this time we have to take precautions. From here until we reach the city you will have to be treated as if under suspicion. No team information is to be shared with you. No scouting missions unless it’s an emergency and you do not communicate with anyone outside this van. You understand?” Hayley’s eyes are cold but Lola recognises it as a mask to hide some sort of earlier pain related to this subject.

Lola’s earlier happiness has all but gone now. Her eyes are sad. “Yeah I understand.”

Hey, it doesn’t mean me and Mark are gonna treat you like shit or something’ I like you kid, it’s just a precaution ya know?” Hayley puts her hand on the door handle and it slides back. “Mark I’m driving tonight make sure everyone’s back before you hop in ok?”

Marks quiet “ok” is the only reply Lola hears.

Hayley slides out of the van and goes to the front driver side’s door. “Sleep well Lola”

I will” sighs Lola. At the mention of sleep Lola realises how tierd she is. Her eyes are heavy and almost as soon as she lies down she’s asleep.

Comments & reviews · 5
User avatar
Messenger
Review
Messenger wrote a review Review · Sep 29, 2013

Knight Malachi here to review for Review Day.

Paragraph one is composed of short sentences. Now some short sentences are fine, but not when you have this many.

A small girl walks though an abandoned city. The buildings have begun to decay. Roofs have fallen in and glass windows are broken. Smoke from distant fires can be seen. The girl sighs and drops her rucksack down in the shelter of an abandoned shop. From her rucksack she pulls a small blanket, the girl also removes a small canteen of water and a bag of what seems to be food. She then pushes the air out of her rucksack and places behind her. She lies down and pulls the blanket over herself, placing her head on the rucksack as a pillow. The girl soon falls asleep.

Re-read that and see how many times you stop. Every time a sentence starts, it ends. Now, don't feel bad about this. I had the exact same problem with the first stuff I put up on YWS. I was surprised at how easy it was to fix. Also, you need to replace the comma in this line with either a semicolon, or period.

From her rucksack she pulls a small blanket, the girl also removes a small canteen of water and a bag of what seems to be food.

Car tiers
Should be tires.

Far off voices can be heard; as the cars come closer the voices become clearer.
You need to switch the semicolon to comma.

as a sudden though pops into her head.
Should be thought.

“The rebel core”.
you need to capitalize Rebel and Core.

realises that she’s starting.
Should be staring.

So at this point I noticed that you are missing punctuation of any kind after the end of dialogue lines. That is necessary, and a punctuation rule.

You need to start a newline every time someone starts talking.

So, I was confused when Hayley first showed up. That part was really jumbled with dialogue, and not enough explanation. Also, i don't think that in what sounds like a world not doing so good, would Hayley let Lola in so fast.
Now positively your detail is very VERY good, and i really like you characters. This sounds like an interesting story, although not one totally new. not that that is a bad thing though.
Keep it up!

Thanks for that :) I had to re-write most of this chapter anyway :)

dragonfphoenix wrote a review Review · Sep 26, 2013

Knight Dragon, here to review!

Technical first:
"From her rucksack she pulls a small blanket, the girl also removes a small canteen of water and a bag of what seems to be food." You could shorten that by saying "...blanket, and also removes...". That way it's not a comma splice.

The girl’s eyes widen as a sudden though pops into her head. “The rebel core”. You italicize her thoughts elsewhere, but why not here?

“Woah! Ammm hi?” What does "Am hi?" mean? Do you mean "Um hi?" I think you did that elsewhere too (the Ammm instead of Ummm).

work anyway” “The names , here it should just be "...work anyway. The name's...", not the way it is now.

"Lola cant quiet put her finger on." should be "Lola can't quite...".

Content:
Interesting start, but I feel like I need more descriptions. Maybe you have enough, and maybe that's just me, but I feel like it needs a tiny bit more.

Hope this helps!

Thanks for that :)

User avatar
Blackwood
Review
Blackwood wrote a review Review · Sep 24, 2013

Reviewy-view-view~

From her rucksack she pulls a small blanket, the girl also removes a small canteen of water and a bag of what seems to be food.

I think this should be better suited as. From her rucksack she pulls a small blanket, a small canteen of water and a bag of what seems to be food.
That whole section in the middle was unnecessary and broke the flow.

The girl thinks to herself. “Ummmm Hi” The boy jumps

This line sounds weird and is written strangely, I think you should rethink it.

“Piece of shit wasn’t gonna work anyway” “The names Mark by the way. What’s your name?””

Why have you got a ton of quotation marks here? You only need two.
Piece of shit wasn’t gonna work anyway. The names Mark by the way. What’s your name?"

“Oh I’m Lola” Hayley smiles.
This looks like Hayley just said that she was Lola.

no place for a teenager”

I was under the impression that Lola and Mark were children, you should put something at the beginning describing that the girl in a young adult, maybe in the rucksack paragraph.

close to the city's boundary


I find it strange that Lola hugs this woman. This seems to be a tough world and these are strangers, it might be creepy, plus I thought they were in a van.

Overall I notice you choice of present tense and third person, which is the hardest combination to pull off. However I think you did this quite well, but I feel like it would become tedious to read it like this the whole way though. It is suited for something such as a prologue or introduction, but it takes extra effort from the reader to take on this tense. I also feel like you are repeating the name Lola an awful lot. There are both synonyms and ways of wording the sentences where you don't need names at all.

I feel like one area you can improve on is your speech. Overall it feels a bit forced and strange. I would also avoid using curse words in the first chapter, as it can put off a potential audience, and these people are much more forgiving of you when you use them later because they are further into the story already and are following the plot line. The first chapter, however, is all about first impressions, and from this chapter I feel like this story is not crude or full of 'grime' as such so I say save the derogatory language for chapter two or three onward if you must use it at all.

The hug was strange when I was writing it, however she only hugs Hayley because she is scared and she is the closest thing to safety she has.

ChangeTheWorld wrote a review Review · Sep 24, 2013

Hi! Change here to change your life! Get i,t get it? Okay I'll stop.

So just from your first paragraph I see a lot of short sentences. Short sentences can be really good at times, but too many of them gets in the way of the content because I start to notice all the short sentences that lack transitions. I also noticed that your description and imagery are very good though. this section I'm quoting below is just a way to change it and use more variations of verbs for a better flow in the piece. Of course it's just an example, and all my future suggestions are just suggestions :)

The girl sighs and drops her rucksack down in the shelter of an abandoned shop. From her rucksack she pulls a small blanket, the girl also removes a small canteen of water and a bag of what seems to be food.

"Sighing, the girl looks around the abandoned shop she's taken shelter in. Dropping her rucksack, she pulls a small blanket out along with a small canteen of water and a bag of what seemed to be food." Especially because this is in present tense, you have a lot of options on how you want to use your verbs and structure your sentences, so just combining some of the shorter ones and easy transitioning in the longer ones will help the reader focus on content instead of format.

Car tiers screech as the approach sharp corners

I'm pretty sure this is meant to sat "tires" and "they," just make sure to do final spell check and edits before you post something.

“You look tired wanna’ go inside while we wait for the others?”

They just met, I feel this is a little too familiar for them to be acting. He should be asking questions, like are you alone? Where are you from? What do you want? Of course I'm not sure where this is heading and you are, but these are basic questions the situation warrants. I see some little romance forming already, but I feel like it's too early. She came at these strangers who I get the vibe, could be dangerous, and she's timid and apologizing. It's a little out of place for the situation. And now she's getting into a strange van with strange people...

So just a general rule is that you shouldn't have something unconnected to the dialogue right next to the dialogue. So when these other people are speaking and then Lola's thinking, it should be separate because otherwise the reader will connect her with the dialogue even though she isn't speaking. so you can just tab it to a new line.

“Oh I’m Lola”
Hayley smiles.“Nice to meet you but if I may, can I ask one little question?”

As an example of what I'm saying with the dialogue tags and stuff, you seem to have everything backwards. "Hayley smiles" should be there ^^ not where you have it in the previous line.

Alrighty! So this is a great start, the story moves at a good pace, your description is pretty good as well. A lot of the things I had to say I mentioned above but I do have a few more. In the beginning you say "the girl" and "the boy" a lot. You can put Lola in, unless you wanted to keep her name from us until they're introduced, in which case I still thing you use "the girl" to frequently. Its 'definitely an original idea and I'm interested to see where it's headed. Sometimes the dialogue was a bit unnatural, but overall it was mostly good. I do have to say a lot of the paragraphs feel stiff. I think that has to do with the transitioning language I was talking about earlier, but either way, loosen them up, make everything feel smoother. Until next time, keep writing!
I hope this helped.
Change out.

Thanks i shall try and fix the mistakes. The feeling of a romance is there early because its not heading that way :)

User avatar
Dreamy
Review
Dreamy wrote a review Review · Sep 24, 2013

Hi Dreamy here to review, this one is a very interesting story. You are a good narrator, I must say. You got few mistakes though, I'll just point it out to you.

"The girl is rudely awoken by the sound of guns. Car tiers screech as the approach sharp corners. Far off voices can be heard; as the cars come closer the voices become clearer. One noticeable voice is that of woman. The girl’s eyes widen as a sudden though pops into her head."
Now in these lines have the potential but the mistakes are spoiling it. If you see "awoken" it's not really of a word, it should be "woken up".

"The girl was rudely woken up by the sounds of guns" that's how you should put it. And the next line it should be "Cars tiers screech as it approaches sharp corners. ......., (it should comma not a semicolon) as the cars came closer the voices became more clearer....... The girl's eyes widen as though it was going to pop out of her head."

"He is smiling softly at her and Lola suddenly realises that she’s starting."

It's "realizes" and "staring"

"Hayley drops the bag she was varying..." it's "carrying"
"Hayley’s eyes look happy but there is a..." it's "looks"
"Hayley’s eyes look sad..." it's "looked"
".....as soon as she lies down she’s asleep." "she fell asleep"

I know these are so simple and happens when we are in the flow, but it will be good if you avoid it to the maximum.
Hope this helps.Happy writing!!!!
Cheers!!!

Thanks for that :) i'll fix them



When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind