burning and churning
and touch purity
love fades into obscurity
time turns into more time
and i’ve been blind
i thought i was exempt
from bitterness and contempt
but life seems to want to tell a story
sometimes one of never ending glory
another of pain and abuse
lies and suppression run loose
she passes me the torch
and just before i can scorch
i pass it on to another
be it a sister or a brother
be it an innocent or the devil
i won’t give them the time to revel
in the happiness and relief they have earned
because all the while i continue to burn
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137,699 Literary Works • 672,062 Reviews
Hi mistielovesyou,have a good day.So here is Dark to give review on your poem.
Honestly,I like the theme you want to show up here.But I am a bit disappointed here with the formatting!No caps lock?No commas nor fullstops?Now it ruined your poem here.
Anyway,I tried not to feel 'awkward' here by continuing reading your poem,then I found these lines;
# but life seems to want to tell a story
sometimes one of never ending glory
another of pain and abuse
lies and suppression run loose-->This is my favorite lines.Very well-written here.
Lastly,I like the ideas here,just take care about the punctuation here.
Kudos,cheers
~Dark
If I am to say this poem dose not rhyme nicely I'll be a big liar, the problem I have with the poem is that you leave the content wide open, you don't seem to address the theme suggested by the title which is the cycle of life somewhere in the poem you might have touched on the perils of life but you never seem to tell us of this life cycle (might be that I missed it). But overall this is a good piece of writing
Oh I understand. I guess that title was a little vague and open ended for what I actually wrote. I could have narrowed it down.
Grate choice of words! This is like art and i think it can become a master peace. You have a rare style and i know you might not think this is your best work and thats a good thing. Keep up the awsome work!!!
You know, this is only going to waste your time. This type of poetry that makes no sense is not going to get you far. I am unimpressed and disappointed. Churning is not even a word. I don't think I have to explain myself but lets walk through.
The first line doesn't have a subject so whatever is "churning" is simply exempt. No you cannot tack on a title at the end because its sloppy and has the reader unnecessarily confused; ambiguous for no reason other then you want to sound cool when writing this. Why is the life cycle burning; that metaphor is flavorless like trying to say fatty foods on pigs turn to ice because you don't like being healthy. There is no point for the pig being ice; it is totally irrelevant and mighty confusing but when people put anything to flames its ok because Its a cliche. It just makes it worse in my opinion.
How can a life cycle touch purity? What kind of image where you trying to get us to see in our minds eye? You also just said the life cycle is burning and then you say it touches purity? This is rediculas where you leave it at to be honest.
love fades into obscurity-
well that was random. Why is it every-time a poem talks about anything you have to talk about love. I mean at least bring it up in an original way and not just throwing cool words at it hoping it makes sense.
You audience right now is completely and totally confused at this point. What could you possibly be saying by "time turns into more time" who is that mathematically possible or metaphorically clear? And now, out of nowhere the subject of life cycles is about your life cycle? Wouldn't you think for clarity reasons you would say that from the start?
So you just diluted your whole philosophy of the world around you to one never ending glory? Your being glorified? After you said you where blind and life cycles are burning? I frankly can't even understand why the subject is life cycles when you talk about your life.
Scorch what?
well which one is it?
__
I just hate that your bias is trying to sound cool and not trying to relay a message. You could do both but you don't try hard enough to get an actual real message across to your reader. I am lost and confused- you failed and I don't know if you really care.
I want you to try harder.
This kidda sounds personal
Uhm you don't have to be rude about it. A poem you don't like isn't a personal affront to you. This poem is about something that I went through, I was not "trying to sound cool". You sound like you're projecting things you feel about other people or yourself on to me. And finally, it's just a poem. Take a deep breath. Chill. You don't know how hard I tried or what message I was trying to get across so don't make assumptions okay thanks.
I am completely "chill". I am sorry for trying to convey what I was thinking about the poem? My bad.
Also, don't you think that's the problem; that I don't know what message you where trying to get across? I am trying to help you, don't shoot me down for honesty.
How is churning not a word? It's in the dictionary. And this sounded really rude. You probably could have said it nicer, or at least trying to give suggestions, instead of just saying, "This is bad. I don't like it. Try harder."
Whats wrong with saying that?
What's wrong with being nice?
Good question. It's not always honest.
I thought that this poem was going to be about "life" but it sounded more about love, like dragonofphoenix said. "be it a sister or a brother" was my favorite line in your poem because it was so smooth flowing. I understand that not capitalizing is part of your style, but so many do that. I'm not saying to capitalize but if you were able to come up with a new style, maybe? I don't have enough imagination to do so, but maybe if you sat down and thought about it, you could come up with something very creative and amazing!
Overall, though, I really liked the idea behind this. Beautiful! Great job!
love & heart brake is what life is about.
I really love this poem. I just love it. It is just.... just amazing. Oh my God.... I just.... I just can't write a review... it's just too good. It was perfectly written and RHYMES! MY GOD IT RHYMES! This is the first poem I have ever read on this website that rhymes! It is perfectly written, no grammar mistakes, no spelling mistakes, explains life perfectly, and of course it RHYMES! I love this poem, I love you, SEE YAH!
This seems more like the cycle of heartache in love than 'life'. "Life" just feels like too broad a term for this poem. You have your topic really focused, but the title just left it so open and I was not expecting what I ended up reading.
And I have a style question. You intentionally (I assume) don't capitalize words that should be capitalized. Then why do you use contractions properly, minus the capitalization? I would think, given the style, you'd break with all properness, especially since you eschewed all punctuation.
Hope this helps!