z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Network of Keys Chapter One: Cynthia, Volunteers

by rainbowcabbit


~Cynthia~

"May I have your attention, please?" a voice booms from a megaphone. 

Around me the after school crowd settles down to a complete stop. I, too, lift my head to pay attention as I close the smooth, paper back book. Oddly, it seems there is more of a crowd here in my little town than normal, although this is the time of day that everyone is about. Before the school building, which is at the focal point of this town, is an impromptu wooden stand with a portable podium. It looks very mediocre in comparison to the huge, polished high school. 

A heavy set man who appears to be approaching the later stages in life stands behind the podium. Even from my place in front of the tiny bookstore, one of the many open shops in this area, I can see the shiny beads of sweat trickle down his face. His snow white hair and mustache stand out against his bright red cheeks. He's dressed in a pitch black tuxedo, a great contrast from the normal mix of casual outfits and school uniforms. I instantly recognize him as our mayor. I'm curious as to what he has to say though it is probably just a minor announcement about upcoming events. 

"I-I have some v-v-very bad n-news," the mayor starts, looking like he's about to cry, "It...it...a-appears as if our w-world is f-f-f-f-falling apart."

At first there is silence as shock freezes my body. Then laughter crackles through the town as if our mayor is joking. I don't laugh, and it upsets me a little that people would think such a thing to be a prank. But still, it's easier not to believe, and I don't want to believe. After all, wouldn't they announce such a thing on the radio? It's true, Darksiders control that and they aren't the most trustworthy, so I would assume there are probably more announcements going on in other towns by their mayors. But our world...ending? That just seems impossible! However, there have been some strange phenomena happening lately, especially with that- No. Don't think of that Cynthia. Plus, the mayor, though I don't know him personally, really isn't a silly man. 

"Guys," the mayor practically whispers in the megaphone, "This is serious..."

Soon laughter shifts to panic, the cries deafening to my ears. All I can do is absorb the terror of this life wrecking moment. I feel very bad for the mayor, having to tell this to the public. 

"P-Please calm down everybody," not even the mayor's megaphone can carry his words to the panicked people, "C-calm down! Be quiet please!"

But the chaos only raises in volume. Now a tear begins to trickle down his face. A tiny bit of annoyance strikes me. How can these people be so rude towards authority? Look at them, some are even beginning to shout insults at our mayor! 

"SHUT UP!" the mayor bursts. Everything is instantly silent. People who were just screaming at our mayor now keep their mouths shut in surprise from the discourtesy of his words. He continues, more politely now, "I greatly apologize for that. This is a serious matter, and I'm just as scared as all of you. However, the government has been discussing the odd events that have been taking place as of late. So it does indeed look like our world is dying. Further research has concluded that this is because somehow the Keys have been displaced from the Tower."

Screams erupt from the crowd again, but only to fade away. The Keys are an important part of life. They are the gods and goddesses in their true forms, and from their rightful place in the Tower they control our world. Even though the mayor has spoken professionally and clearly, it is plain to see that this is destroying him inside. It is tearing me apart, too. I want to cry and panic like everyone else, but I don't. It is best not to make the situation any worse.

"B-but not all our hope is gone, folks!" the mayor begins again, "We are not quite sure that this is the case. To be honest, we don't particularly know all this for sure, so someone needs to check things out. Unfortunately, only ryges can enter the Tower. But, um, if any of you would be able to check things out, would you please be willing to volunteer?"

Ryges. Ryges are (kind of) immortal "copies" of either a human or ponmik that possess elemental powers. Ryges also possess the ability to travel from Sunnyside to Darkside and back again. Which ends up terribly, as then no one knows who to trust. 

No one makes a move. No person in the right mindset would volunteer. We all know the Tower is a dangerous place. None can volunteer. Ryges are rare. It's way too easy to stand still and pretend that this isn't taking place. To go back home and live a comfortable life until this place is fully decayed. It's too easy. 

"Anyone?" the mayor pleads.

Easy as it is, I know I could never live with myself if I let these people down. Even as the dread fills my soul. Even as I worry about revealing my long kept secret. Even as I fuss over the danger inside that Tower. Even as the memories haunt me of people who I thought were my friends running from me. Even as I am well aware of how easy it would be to let it all slide-

I place the cook book back on the shelf and take a step forward.  


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Sat Mar 15, 2014 11:55 pm
AdjiFlex wrote a review...



Greetings, Rainbow. Unlike mine, the length of your chapters aren't scary and discouraging, which will make it more likely that persons will actually give your work a chance and take a good look at it. The piece isn't confusing, but some things seem... a bit strange, as we don't yet know the principles and precepts of this world.

The meeting about the falling apart of the world felt like it needed to be on a bigger scale. It kinda felt like just a good-sized community meeting. It would have been more epic if there were a sea of people there who probably break out in chaos after hearing the news. I like the idea of bringing in the term "biverse" so early. Now i want to know the overall scale of this story, and if it will expand even outside of the universe (which is half the biverse I would suppose).

The chapter felt a little like a prologue. It sets the stage well for the rest of the story. Kudos to you for writing in the present tense and for not using the third person (which I use mainly because it's easier to manage in many ways). I will indeed read more of your story.

Keep Writing!
Adam-Clay.






Thank you :D I find present tense easier.



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Thu Mar 06, 2014 9:26 pm



Good morrow, Rainbow! :3 First off like the others just a few places where a comma should be. But other than that your good there. What I like about your work is that it actually feels like your in town. For instance how you did " C-calm down everybody!" the man shouts, " it felt like you were actually there so well done on that. although while in your little note which was indeed helpful, also thank you for the warning. It was confusing but only due to not knowing what a ryg was while reading. But you did a rather splendid job at this story and can't wait to continue.

~ keep writing :3






Thank you so much :D



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 8:26 pm
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AfterTheStorm wrote a review...



Good afternoon, Rainbow! The name's Storm and I'll be reviewing for ya! :D Let's just jump right into this...

Right off the bat, there's a lack of a comma. "'May I have your attention please?' a voice calls out from a megaphone." This usage of "please" in this instance incidental whose removal has no impact on the rest of the sentence and should therefore be set off by a comma. Those are quite easy to overlook, though. :)

"All the high school students just got out, and I was just beginning to examine this interesting book. In front of our pristine, polished school is this little makeshift wooden stand with a portable podium on it." It might just be me, but it feels as if the description of the school and stand is randomly placed in that spot. Maybe another location in the paragraph would better suit the description?


"'I have bad news," the man states, "It appears our world is falling apart.'" Instead of that second comma, replace it with a period because his next words aren't a continuation of his previous statement.

"A roar of panic arises from the audience. My stomach drops as shock penetrates me through the heart. Usually I wouldn't believe such irrational things, but this is coming from the mayor and some weird things have been happening, like the weather has quite wacky and..." Okay, this just appears quite unrealistic to me. First, the entire audience begins panicking, then the main character is freaked out too. I know you said that the weather had been acting strangely in this town; however, this wouldn't be enough cause alone to send the crowd into an uproar. Also in this paragraph, I believe there's a "been" missing after " weather has __ quite wacky ..."

Lastly, I like how we begin to see a sort-of hero arise in our main character (that we still don't know the name of!). Couldn't the ending be a teensy bit more powerful, though? I feel as if there was not enough emphasis on the fact that the MC just volunteered to lead a quest into the Radio Tower? Just a thought. :)

I'm definitely going to keep up with this book, so count on a few more reviews from me, Rainbow! :D So, as always: Write on!

---Stormsie






Thank you :)



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Sun Nov 24, 2013 8:00 pm
KittyCatMeow wrote a review...



Hey, rainbowcabbit! I'm going to have to keep this short, since it's good enough as a revised version!

"I have bad news," the man states, "It appears our world is falling apart."

A roar of panic arises from the audience.


Okay, to begin with, I don't really like how you said that there is immediate panic. Normally, laughter thinking the mayor is lying or joking around happens, but he is merely the mayor. The president may cause such uproar, but this is a mayor, not the all-famous president.

The chapter also keeps on saying "the man" when the main protagonist already clearly knows that this man is the mayor. Be more specific if what you are trying to say is already known. Unless mayor has been repeated many times, writing man there isn't very easy to understand.

Otherwise, it's alright. Since it's edited and better, everything looks pretty clean and nice.

Keep writing! ;)

~Kitty




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Thu Nov 14, 2013 10:21 pm
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EscapeToNeverland wrote a review...



Heya Rainbow its Neverland here to review your chapter.
Now I like the way you kept it short but as you say it is quite confusing. But I know what it’s like to write something with terms that aren’t used by us in our world. But writing things like that maybe a challenge but it’s something that you enjoy making!

So I know how hard it is to explain something to others without them getting frustrating. I mean it always makes sense to the creator but not to everyone else. But in my opinion you've done a great job of explaining what the Ryges. But the part with the Keys is still a little unclear. You need to put a bit more imagery into them and a bit more into the rest of it in my opinion. As Snowfall said writing it in second-person is a nice change that is also a challenge in its self.

"But no one can volunteer. There is only one person in this town who can step up. After placing my book down, I take a step forward even though I don't want to."
I absolutely LOVE this paragraph. I like the way you keep it short and leave us on a cliff-hanger.

You've done an amazing job and I think I'm going to read some more over the weekend. I was meant to do this review earlier but I've been really busy with assignments and tests as of late. But I'm starting to finish them up a little so I can review again! :D
xx
~Neverland
P.S - I really like the title of the book. It's really interesting and made me excited to read it.






Thank you :3 I want to explain the Keys more later. Throughout the story you'll eventually understand, or so I hope.





Oh okay! :D



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Sun Sep 29, 2013 10:57 pm
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InfiniteSnowfall wrote a review...



Hi rainbowcabbit! :D

You have a really nice beginning here. It's immediately captivating and the whole deal with the Ryges is really cool. I also like that this was written in second-person. Since majority of people like to write in first-person, I feel like second-person is a fun change.

However, with the kind of story you're writing here, I think first or second-person would probably be more enjoyable to read. But don't let me stop you! If you want to keep the second-person, by all means - keep it!

So, here's one little thing I wanted to critique:

Our world...falling apart?

~ There should be a space between the ellipses (ellipses are the '...') and 'falling'. Also, be sure to capitalize the 'f'!

Other than that, the grammar was great. I would have liked to have read some more imagery/description, though. But not too much information, like in the last paragraph. I think just adding a few details about maybe the Keys or the five senses (hear, feel, see, smell, & taste) happening around them.

Altogether, I'm really interested in your story! I'm off to read the other two chapters now. Happy Review Day, fellow Defaultie and keep writing!

Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow

---

P.S. Sorry this review is late by a few weeks! Better late than never, right? :)




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Sun Sep 15, 2013 8:51 pm
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Lee0z says...



This is a really cool idea XD






Thank you :)



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Sun Sep 15, 2013 4:53 pm
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OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi there! Here to review your chapter this evening as I was captivated by the title 'Network of Keys'! You should totally name this piece that.

I will review as I read so that you know what on earth I am talking about.

I love that you've started it with speech. You don't see that very often on here and it's a brave thing to do! Flings us straight into the story.

"I have bad news," the fat man states, "It appears our world is falling apart."
A roar of panic arises from the audience.


Woah! This is a massive bomb to drop on everyone! Surely, they would have noticed their world falling apart a little bit? Maybe things have slowly been breaking, the electricity being on the blink? Or the water chugging pathetically from the taps for months? If someone said that the world was falling apart when nothing had been happening to lead up to this statement – I simply wouldn't believe them.

I love the word Ryg. It's so original and quirky.

I agree with dragonfphoenix – you don't need to go into so much detail about them yet. It breaks up the tension of the scene.

Also, f you find that using the narrative of 'you' doesn't quite work out the way you were hoping, I would suggest using first person. You can still get inside your characters head to create that intimacy without telling the reader how she/he feels and thinks.

Good luck! Hope to see chapter 2 up soon!

Olive <3






I'm so glad you liked it! :D I should probably go more into detail about HOW it's falling apart. I'm sure that'll be revealed later in the story.





Oh, and yeah, if someone told me that my world was falling apart I'd send them to a mental hospital, but Sunnyside(Cynthia's world, or half of it ;)) is a bit different then our world, so everyone is a bit more trusting of everyone else.



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Sat Sep 14, 2013 4:10 pm
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dragonfphoenix wrote a review...



All right, major notes of worth. First of all, I wasn't expecting a second person narrative. I'm not a huge fan of them (I feel very presumptuous telling people what they think and who they are, even if it is just a story), so that first "you" really through me for a loop. At first I was like, "Oh, that's just a poorly written sentence", and then I realized no, it was intentional.
Second thing: that last paragraph is all "tell". You don't need to explain the ryges yet, just let us know that they're there. The pronunciation was good, because I had no idea what in the world ryg was and at first thought you meant "rig", but then I found out otherwise.
Last thing. "The mayor announces your thoughts out loud" What does that mean? You really don't show much for that.
Hope this helps!






Thanks for your help. I put it in second person just to be different. I'm sorry for the confusion, but he says "Please? Anybody?" just like Cynthia was thinking. The last paragraph was to not leave people in the dark, but I'll try to avoid tell paragraphs in the future. :)




Who's the more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?
— Obi-Wan Kenobi