Young Writers Society

Hi there,Dark with review here.

Lets start from the first of your story for this part 4.

#It was the day of the kidnapping. Dan had to wait in the car because of his shattered foot. He fittled with his thumbs while waiting for John and Micheal to come back with the kids. He shifted in his seat and pulled the photo of Gabe,Tabby,and CeCe out of his jeans pocket.He stared at the kids in the picture and wondered why he agreed to do this.#

The description is a bit odd and stiff.I can't feel the feelings here.Well,you should work hard to make sure you can impress the reader with your writing styles.Need some more improvement.(Please don't hate me)

Some part is quiet well-written,but I am not sure about the plot.

# "What are these kids last names?" I asked.

"Romanov" John answered.

"What is that?" I questioned " Because its not American is it?"

John waved his arm at me. "I think its Russian but why does there last name matter?" #-->The same with this part.

Some grammatical errors I found here,take time to reread and fix it all.I like the story about,just keep it up!
kudos,dark.

As a Knight, one of my duties is to review Green Room stories and rescue them from the dangers of being "un-reviewed". So I'm going to read this as objectively as possible...

That lasted until the sixth sentence before I had to stop and come down to the review section. "He took a deep breath as he saw Micheal and John come out of the old fashioned blue house dragging the scared kids behind them". Really. The kids' ages are 14, 11, and 6. And two guys just waltz into this house and come out with "scared kids" being dragged like sacks of potatoes, dead weight to do whatever they're supposed to do as hostages.
Okay, I'm going to show you logic so you can improve the realism of your stories.

I am the oldest of four, and I can tell you from experience that trying to drag two kids around the ages 11 and 6 by myself is a pain, and next to impossible if they're fighting back. Compound that with a 14 year old, and we've got problems. Even if I had one of my friends helping, we'd run into major issues with the 14 yr. old. And these are siblings. So they're going to work together to protect themselves. So you've got a 14 and 11 yr. old working together to protect their family from two dumb college kids who think they can abduct them. And if you think girls with two older brothers, especially with that age gap, are wusses, then you haven't seen girls with older brothers. At the very least those girls would know how to scratch, claw, gouge, kick, and bite. Depending on the family, they might even know how to throw a good punch or two (we'll leave the martial arts out of it for now). And exactly where are the parents in all of this? Why are all three kids conveniently at home together, unattended, ripe for kidnapping (besides the obvious authorial contrivance)?

That may seem harsh, but those are the types of logical questions you're going to have to answer in order for your writing to improve. If you want to attract readers, you have to make sense. If you don't make sense, readers can't follow you. If you don't make logical sense, readers will understand why they're not going to follow you. And if you want to be successful, you have to write what will attract and keep readers. Part of that attracting readers process is making your story realistic and believable. As this story stands, it is neither.

I honestly hope this helps you improve your writing.

Knight Dragon

Hi, Buddy! I read the first three chapters of your story and I can't wait to read the next one to see your writing improve and your ideas develop. Even though the story line you have going here is a bit far-fetched, I think if you really went into depth and added some twists to it, it could be great.

From the previous couple chapters, John had seemingly come out of the blue with the idea to kidnap these kids. I think you should have added some real background descriptions of these characters. John could be mentally ill, which is why he proposed this popostrous idea. He could be a brother hell bent on revenge on Jack, though all he did was break Dan's ankle on accident. Perhaps tweaking the story line a bit would due good so the story will seem a bit more realistic. So far, all these characters seem a bit flat, though you do give us some amazing lines into Dan's head that makes us sympathize with him. I love the last sentence.

In the first paragraph, it might do good to break that huge block of text. When someone clicks on this story to read, they'll be frightened off by a humongous chunk of words to read right off the bat. You could break into a second paragraph after the sentence "He stared at the kids in the picture and wondered why he agreed to do this." Also, the proper grammar when someone speaks is to put a comma before the quotation marks and for the noun after to be lowercase, unless it's proper.

For example: "Well" He said "The hard part is done."
It should be: "Well," he said, "The hard part is done."

There are a few more mistakes in here but I believe after a couple days you can read through it and easily spot them out; for example, you switched from 3rd person into 1st person point of view. Be sure you're careful not to do that! If you need help, let me know and I'll help you edit!

Let me know when the next chapter is posted. Keep it up, Buddy!

-Kev