Young Writers Society

This is just the sort of teenage "literature" I have only just been able to shake off. Your work has reminded me of everything I do not wish to know or wish to devote time to. Not only is the work idiotic it is also what I like to call 'first world bemoaning'. You are incredibly busy and contempt with focusing on trying to make others feel bad about things you have no knowledge on. Indeed, for a diary entry, this is so self-indulgent and self-aware and just all round meaningless.

I shall take extracts from this piece of writing to show exactly what I am hypothesising.

"Dear Book. Huh... That just sounds dumb. Closer to what a guy would write though, I think. And that's my problem: I think too much. I've been told that girls overthink things. It's probably true, I know I think a lot... I'm babbling. Sorry."

Your indecisiveness makes me want to walk around in a circle throwing darts at porcupines. No point adding these bits of conversational language if the character is talking to him/herself because that would be very worrying mentally speaking.

"It had to stop! So I decided to write this manic journal instead, as a way of venting this out of my system. I hope it works, because at the moment I feel like I am the only one in the world who has ever gone through such a horrible mess and I am hoping that I won't feel this way once I've told you about it. If you're still there. Are you?"

I am not still here darling. In fact I am on a different planet, or I'd rather be after meeting your character.

I remember glancing over to see you have made more entries, including a selection of pick-up lines. I am crossing my heart, hoping they are at least a little better than what I have just read. I can only hope.

Hi.

I liked your piece, definitely.
The first paragraph was a very good beginning, like a very personal conversation with someone. Brought an instant connection with the reader. The piece progressed nicely, but towards the last-third paragraph, the captivity of the piece somehow started deteriorating. It almost felt like there was this good thing beginning to happen to the piece, and bam! it is already near the end. You should probably have put-in some more stuff before there, and, you know, maybe let the reader off on easy.

The personal element, that sparked the connection with the reader was really the crisp factor of the piece. That couldn't have gone better.

Keep speaking your mind out!

-Erin

AWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really like this. Like a lot! It's so sweet and so true.

Sorry, entertaining entrance. Uhhhhhh....? HIYAH! Willow C. here, master over all of...uh...Mars? Yeah...Oh who cares! I loved this story and I'm going to review it!

The only issue I have with this is that the vocabulary gets a little sophisticated in some parts. (I don't do grammar, I do charactering) It is important to stay in character. This one is around 13-16 judging by her reaction to getting dumped. I, for one, when I am writing like to remain cool and loose. Evie, and I am just guessing here, doesn't write as much as either of us so therefore would not use words like "therefore" and such. My best guess is that she'll sound really scientific and technical and over thought in the beginning of this and then get less wordy and more just there. And know that makes no sense at all, but don't be afraid to sound like a kid writing this. Through grammar to the wind, use exaggeration and be willy-nilly.

This is a great story, please continue this. please. I don't see a LOT of good stories on this site (not to be mean, but everything sounds better when you are writing it.) THIS is a good story, so write it and love it.

PEACE OUT
~Willow C.

I didn't see any mistakes and this is a very intriguing story. I really like how the end says "Thank you, dear reader." it makes me feel like Evie is wanting somebody to read it and be apart of her life and also I actually do this (like the weirdo I am...). I think you did the teenage girl character well, considering I am a teenage girl. But in conclusion I loved it.

-SaraiRayne-

Hey Bloodink!

I don't have anything negative to say about this piece because it is amazing!

You have got something really unique and special with your idea here and I love the way it is written. I can really relate to the main character. I can't think of anything to criticise here. Your protag and her relationships and interactions are sooo natural. You have captured the teen-age perfectly. Good job.

Looking forward to reading your other stuff.

Yours in ink

~Bloodink

Heyy Bloodink! SapphireFlames for the review and finally all exams got over today and yeah free..... so free! And I am extremely sorry to make you wait for the comments.

First of all I liked the title of you're story its cool and nice. The layout and the starting of the novel is also good its a really good idea.
The parts that I liked was "No. I don't want to put something that typical. And girly." ,

"Josh was perfect. He had this soft, shaggy blonde hair, and smooth lips, and eyes warm brown ones. He had a face and arms and legs and all the appropriate appendages. (God, I have made myself blush.) He was great, and he made me feel great. Until he dumped me."
I liked the way you have described the character.

And yeah the most important thing that I liked about you're chapter is you're writings are really realistic. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this work.

Anyway all the advice that I give you is just follow other's review on you're piece because its too late now I think I am the last one to review you're work!
I have nothing no actually point out in the chapter.

Anyway continue this good work!
Have a nice day Bloodink!

I think the only piece of advice I could give would be to mix up the 'manic' a little. For example, most people say "maniacal laughter", not "manic laughter". "Manic" was just like a mental stubbing of the pinky toe after so many repetitions. But that might just be me.
Hope this helps!

Hey, it's Socks! This isn't a review, I just wanted to say that I love this, and wish I had thought of this, and wrote as well as you! XD

But anyways, I am heading over to your others... Now.

Change here
Here goes nothing.

and eyes, warm brown ones

To the point where I would find myself bringing his name up

So I decided to write in this manic journal instead

Hello its joe

Just something I thought you should know before I review. I never read romantic stories. Ever. But this one was different, kind of funny in a quirky way. Anyway I just want you to know that I really liked it.

Wow great story, I thought he was gay guy until the very end where it said her name "Evie".

Great writing too. I can feel your emotions(or at least I think I can).

My favourite part is the start
" Extract 1:

Dear Diary,

No. I don't want to put something that typical. And girly.

Dear Book. Huh... That just sounds dumb. Closer to what a guy would write though, I think. And that's my problem: I think too much. I've been told that girls overthink things. It's probably true, I know I think a lot... I'm babbling. Sorry."

You really captured how a guy would think.

Anyways great story

Keep writing

Well this was well written it had barley any problems, I suppose life can't seem unrealistic.

And well you may be right you may be wrong but my dad died when I was nine divorced to my mom and my step mom left right after it and two of my four brothers have never been nice to me ever sines. That is a bit of a peep at my life.

Anyways nice job with the writing it was good.

~Jonathan~

This is a well-written and intriguing piece of writing, opening on a subject which is often written about (love and being rejected), but with a highly original twist. I have seen similar teenage-diary-type stories on writing websites, but they all seem to be somewhat similar in terms of language and emotion-this is written in a much less 'girly' fashion (as the character herself describes), and the character's personality is conveyed much more clearly. While I obviously can't tell what might be in the next diary entry, this has the beginning of a good, interesting and original story. Very well done indeed!

Hi there!

So I have to sat that the title intrigued me. It's very original and sounds like a good story is to be told here.

Overall I don't see anything wrong with this. Really. There's no spelling or grammar errors you need to fix. Good job with that. Your character is strong and you seem to be already diving into her feelings (obviously seeing as this is her diary and people write about their feelings in a diary). I hope to see you continue this in later chapters.

A note of caution when writing this story in diary form: tell us a story. Now I know you're probably thinking I'm stupid. Of course you're going to tell me a story, that's what makes this a novel. In the sense, yes you are right. This is a story regardless. But I really want to see is a story inside a story. There's the story of Evie thinking like a guy and writing in this diary about her and Josh. But what's going on in the world around her? What's she doing all this time when she's not writing in her diary? I've read plenty of books written in this form and they always have a good balance between feelings and story. I hope to see you tell us the story of Evie's life outside of her diary as well as her feelings. Just something to think about.

Let me know when the next chapter is out! And welcome to the site

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

So, "Think like a dude" seems to be an really interesting story. A girl who wants to think like a dude. That's totally cool.I like the way you have started it. She is a girl but she doesn't want to think like one. Ah, don't we all? And I also liked that she is actually having a conversation with her diary which is realistic. But you have ended it saying "Thank you, dear reader" so, does it mean that someone is reading it or she wants someone to read it. It is true that someone will read our diary in some point but making it too obvious doesn't seem to be good idea. I like the content and the out line of the story. And little bit of an introduction to this poem will help it's reader on what this story is really about. Other than that, this is very good. Keep writing!
Cheers!!!