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Young Writers Society


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The Pack - Prologue

by SushiSashimi333, Sonder


Sweat beaded across Dr. Ross’ forehead as he strode hurriedly towards lab room eight. A faint shine emitted from the syringe tip that was gripped tightly in his shaking hands. Orange fluid slowly oozed out, hissing as it hit the cold metal floor. The blood pounding in his ears seemed deafening compared to the otherwise loud clanging of his footsteps.

When he reached a barred iron door marked with a yellow “X” he stopped to lean down to a scanner. A green light quickly swept over his eye and beeped, a signal that he could now enter the sealed off room. Inside the temperature was freezing. A good twenty below zero, Dr. Ross estimated.

He took a deep breath before stepping cautiously through the doorway. Despite of his jeans and long-sleeved shirt, he felt the chill seeping through, already draining his energy. He would need to hurry. Before him stood a large metal capsule, taller than the doctor and nearly as wide as his arm span. As always, Ross felt his breath catch in his throat, seeing it so close. So sleek and able to harbor life, in such a frozen, harsh environment, one would never guess that such a beautiful living thing thrived within.

3285 was the number given to creature within. It was human in the sense of emotion, but in the sense of DNA it was simply an experiment, a test with a heavy burden. A sigh escaped his lips. Despite it being what it was, he couldn’t help but feel sorry for what the creation was about to go through. Silently moving to the IV attached to the capsule, he took the syringe and injected it into the plastic bag. He watched as the liquid diluted with the serum, swirling to become a deep red, the color of blood.

Ross leaned back on his heels, feeling the tension drain from his shoulders. He had done it. Gazing at the capsule, he dreamed of what his accomplishment might bring into the world, and what it might prevent. He slowly turned, drifting from the room in a daze. His head was crammed with all the fame and fortune this test could bring him. So caught up in his thoughts, he failed to hear the soft footsteps creep up behind him.

A sharp pain started in the center of his back and spread throughout his body. It burned like fire in his veins. He wanted to scream out in pain and surprise, but his mouth wouldn't move. The room around him intensified in color, and for a split second there was no pain. He could hear everything, see everything, taste the air about him, smell the sweat on his forehead. His eyes rolled back into his head as his body collapsed to the floor.

A figure above him stood stock-still, waiting. A violent shudder wracked the doctor’s body, running from his head to his toes. Only then did he remain still.

The figure leapt into action, kneeling at the doctor’s side, the syringe in his gloved hand tossed aside carelessly. A quick tap to the wrist, and a pause for breath. Nothing. The figure lifted the doctor’s body with little strain, throwing him over his shoulder, despite the fact that Ross was a fully grown man. He calmly strode to a large white panel in the wall. Balancing the doctor with one hand, he grasped a small handle on the panel and held it open wide. Without a second thought he shoved Ross’ corpse down the chute.

Letting the panel go with a thump, the unknown man uttered one word into his mouthpiece.

“Done.”

Chapter one link. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=103962


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Fri Oct 18, 2013 3:52 pm
TinkerTwaggy wrote a review...



I just... I just love that last word.
"Done". HE NAILED IT.
Dang, this is so perfect, you guys make a great duo :D Anyways, this is a great piece of work. As Writer said below me, very intriguing. At first I thought the creature had come out and sort of stabbed the doctor from behind, but apparently it's some random unknown person, that we'll probably come to encounter in the rest of the story.

What's sure is that this is a great way to start: I can't see how a reader could not be interested by this beginning. Nothing wrong about the grammar, too (at least at my eyes).

Well, keep it up! Now I'll be reading the next chapters and see what will happen.
Moral of this story: never celebrate an achievement or let you guard down until you're at home, locked in your room sleeping. THEN you celebrate XD






Yay! I'm so glad that you liked it ^_^ It's good to see you learned something from it too :p XD



TinkerTwaggy says...


I did! still haven't read the next chapter though (bein' busy preparing some chapters for review day ;) ). And yeah that's really the morale I get from this XD





That's fine XD I totally understand. I might have some reviewing to do then too XD



Sonder says...


Sorry, I'm a little late. Thanks Tortwag!



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Mon Oct 14, 2013 12:32 pm
writerguy16 wrote a review...



This was very intriguing and I am about to read the next chapter, but first I want to give a short comment: One of the best things about this prologue is that it is very unique. The originality was so strong that I couldn't think of another prologue/story like this, yet it was still very interesting. thanks for reading this and i'll go read the first chapter






So glad you liked it! Hope the next chapter impresses you just as much!



Sonder says...


Thanks you writer!



writerguy16 says...


any tips on writing sic fi novels





Depends what you want tips on. Summon Grif and I to your wall and we'll do our best :D



writerguy16 says...


thanks i'll write something



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Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:50 pm
FantasyWriter15 wrote a review...



You guys have excellent grammar and sentence structure! I am really impressed with this, and I have already read the first chapter, so I am really interested in this, like completely.

I love the descriptions and the insight into the character's mind, even though he wasn't a main character.

I also loved the twist at the end, with the man coming in a murdering him, then tossing him down the chute. I want to know why! Why was Dr. Ross killed? What was in the capsule? What kind of experiment? What is it going to prevent?!

Gosh, you have me theorizing like a crazy person. Excellent job! (That last part was NOT sarcasm by the way, I really meant it! :D)

Keep writing. Seriously. If you don't I'll kill you both. :P






O_O oh my! Then we shall definitely keep writing XD. The next chapter will be on my account, so I'll be sure to update you once that comes out and is undraft like. Glad you like it so much.



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Tue Sep 03, 2013 3:20 am
Liaya wrote a review...



Oh man, I SOO want to read more....I already read the first chapter and Griffin told me where to find this. IT IS AMAZING! I just want you to know that I'm glad you teamed up if the result is something like this. I'm curious, you manage to summon sympathy for the doctor, and I am completely captivated. Thank you for the awesome read!






Yay! I'm glad you like it! If you like we can update you when chapter two is out?



Liaya says...


Yes please! (By the way, your profile pic is epic!)





Thanks :D



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:36 pm
racket wrote a review...



This is AWESOME!!! I can't wait to read the novel part! This is a very interesting prologue. Someone dies, by means of mysterious man. Wonderful. I love the way you describe his death. Very realistic. The only thing that really confused me was how you kind of switch points of view. In the beginning, you kind of get the feeling that the story is told from the doctor, but then he dies and, even though you kept the point of view, it seemed to change and it kind of startled me. I would like to tell you that you really surprised me when the doctor got stabbed or whatever. I was not expecting it at all. I wished you described the mysterious man, though that could take away the mysterious part. I was also a little confused as to what the doctor was doing when he stuck his needle into the bag. That was a little confusing. I have a question. When the doctor was "caught up in his thoughts", did he turn he turn so the capsule was behind him, or was he facing away from the door? This tiny detail would have given me an idea of whom killed the doctor. Also, why was the doctor so messy with this formula, "Orange fluid oozed slowly out, hissing as it hit the cold metal floor." If this formula was so special, the doctor couldn't have been so careless, where someone off the street could come and take a sample of formula, then use it themselves, assuming these labs weren't protected as they most likely were. I really like how you specified which lab it was in. That could come in handy figuring out later who did it. Sorry I'm being kind of all over the place with my likes and dislikes. This is a very good piece and I applaud yourself and Griffin. Bravo! Encore!!
~Racket




Sonder says...


Thanks for the review, racket! You are right about your points, we will look into them! :)
~GC



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 6:24 pm
InfiniteSnowfall wrote a review...



Hey Sushi! By the way, love the green sushi avatar. Go Green Lanterns!

Anyway, I really like where you GriffinClaws' story is going. It is really captivating and leaves me craving more. I'm interested in finding out how you guys are going to write this out.

3285 was the number given to creature within. It was human in the sense of emotion, but in the sense of DNA it was simply an experiment, a test with a heavy burden. A sigh escaped his lips. Despite it being what it was, he couldn’t help but feel sorry for what the creation was about to go through. Silently moving to the IV attached to the capsule, he took the syringe and injected it into the plastic bag. He watched as the liquid diluted with the serum, swirling to become a deep red, the color of blood.

~ This is my favorite paragraph in this prologue. I love how Ross' thoughts and feelings were incorporated into this as he injected the creature with who know what.
I could really picture what he was going through as he did this. A scientist who continued on with the experiment, even though he knows what the creature would go through, just to receive more information.

I'm sorry that I don't have much of a review for you. The other reviewers below me did a wonderful job already. I just wanted to let you know that you both did a wonderful job on this piece.

I'll be sure to keep up with this story. I want to see how the title fits in with the story. Along with what happens to the creature, of course. Happy writing and reviewing! Let's keep up the good work, Green Lantern!

Yours till the Chocolate Chips,
Snow




Sonder says...


Hey, thanks for your review! I still think it is helpful to know what the readers like, so yours is great! We are having tons of fun writing this, and we are glad you like it!
Thanks again,
~GC



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 2:24 pm
OliveDreams wrote a review...



Hi little Sushi, my Green Lantern friend! Here to review as requested on the forum.

I will review as I read so that it makes a little more sense. As you know, I tend to ramble on about who knows what otherwise.

Here goes!

Wow! You're opening paragraph is fantastic! I love the imagery and you've grabbed my attention instantly.

“Despite of his jeans and long-sleeved shirt, he felt the chill seeping through, already draining his energy.” - I don't think you need the word 'of' after 'despite' here. It works perfectly well without it.

“3285 was the number given to creature within.” - You used the word 'within' directly before this sentence. It just broke the flow up for me so maybe you could trade it for a different word?

“Without a second thought he shoved Ross’ corpse down the chute.” - WOAH! I wasn't expecting this to happen. I would have bet any money that the experiment was going to attack. Good job at throwing me off the scent!

I would have liked to have known what Dr. Ross looked like. Where your imagery of everything else was simply FANTASTICAL – I couldn't quite picture him in my mind.

Also, wouldn't he have had to put something on if he was walking into a room that was 'a good twenty something below zero'? BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Good luck! I'm excited to know what happens to the experiment now and also why you've named the work, The Pack. INTRIGUING!

Olive <3




Sonder says...


Thank you for your review! Sushi and I are having lots of fun writing this, glad you enjoyed it! I agree with most of your points, we will get on it! :)
Thanks again,
~GC



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:12 am
Mardehoward wrote a review...



OMG!!!! This is SOOOO perfect!

OK so first up, this is the first review I'm doing for review day, and I have to say that this piece is incredible! The title of the novel is so interesting! It actually made me read this! At first I couldn't believe there could be anyone that could write something THIS amazing, but when I saw the authors, my friends sushi and griffin (I spelled your name right!), I finally understood.

Well, first of all; the title. The title was really a really interesting choice! It actually caught my attention. It got me to read the story! Then there's the beginning;

"Sweat beaded across Dr. Ross’ forehead as he strode hurriedly towards lab room eight. A faint shine emitted from the syringe tip that was gripped tightly in his shaking hands. Orange fluid slowly oozed out, hissing as it hit the cold metal floor. The blood pounding in his ears seemed deafening compared to the otherwise loud clanging of his footsteps."

It's amazing how I got transported to the lab room immediately! I'm not usually that kind of person! If this was the prologue on the back of a book, I would recommend it to anyone! I would have even bought and read this years ago! You two are amazing writer, girls! Interesting, Captivating, Intriguing and well written (no grammatical errors, I mean).

I have to admit that this is one of the most amazing stories I've read so far here on YWS! I loved this from beginning to end! I would really love to work on a story with you two! When the first chapter is out, please let me know, I'd love to read it!

Keep up the good work! ;)

~Marde!




Sonder says...


Aww Marde, you are too sweet. Thanks! We are having a ton of fun writing this! We'll be sure to tell you when the first chapter arrives. :)
~GC



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 12:46 am
KnightTeen wrote a review...



You know why I'm here, so let's get down to it, shall we?

Sweat beaded across Dr. Ross’ forehead as he strode hurriedly towards lab room eight.


Your language is pretty good here, but I'm a little torn. Saying that the good doctor, "hurried," to the lab room is just as good as saying he, "strode hurriedly,". I must admit that this is because of a personal quirk of mine. I tend to avoid -ly words.


A green light quickly swept over his eye and beeped, a signal that he could now enter the sealed off room.


Another quirk of mine. I like -ing words, and saying, "signaling," instead of, "a signal," works just as well. Saying, "a signal," feels a little stiff to me.

Inside the temperature was freezing. A good twenty below zero, Dr. Ross estimated.


Why have two sentences when you can easily combine them?

Something along the lines of,

The temperature inside was freezing, and Dr. Ross estimated that it was a good twenty degrees below zero.


You don't have to do this of course, it is merely A) a tip, and B ) a suggestion.

It was human in the sense of emotion, but in the sense of DNA it was simply an experiment, a test with a heavy burden. A sigh escaped his lips. Despite it being what it was, he couldn’t help but feel sorry for what the creation was about to go through.


Why does the creature have a heavy burden? I have to ask even though I'm sure you will tell me I will find out at a later date.

He slowly turned, drifting from the room in a daze. His head was crammed with all the fame and fortune this test could bring him. So caught up in his thoughts, he failed to hear the soft footsteps creep up behind him.


You say he turned, then you say that he couldn't hear the footsteps behind him. Well, he just turned so wouldn't he have seen the person?


The figure leapt into action, kneeling at the doctor’s side, the syringe in his gloved hand tossed aside carelessly.


So the guy injected him with something?

“Done.”


I think that you should italicize this, to put further emphasis on it.

I thought that this was very well written, and had a good plot. However, we are left with a question. Now that Ross is dead, what happened to 3285? Why didn't the murderer do something to him/her/it?

I'm curious, and I can't wait to read more.




Sonder says...


Thank you for your review! And yes, most of your questions will be answered later. *mischievous grin* We will consider your tips!
Thanks again,
~GC



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Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:16 pm
arianaSarroyo wrote a review...



Hi. Ariana with your review. So to start off, I had this feeling that theee was something grim about this. Like an evil scientist or tales of some type of dystopia. Generally, I'm not interested in what in grim science-fiction adventures, however, this was moderately grim. Anyway, despite that, this was will written. I didn't see any grammatical errors or anything of the sort. It was descriptive without being over-the-top or revealing too much. So, in conclusion, this was a great start and it wasn't too confusing being that I have not read the previous chapters (if there are any.)




Sonder says...


Thank you! This is the prologue, so this is the first chapter to our story. Glad you liked it! :)
~GC




It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
— Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey