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It's Raining Men

by ziggiefred


*sigh* I'm already running out things to write about...and titles. This one's 161 words.

It was the typical summer evening after a rainstorm: there were puddles everywhere and the air was pure again. The street lights were doing a decent job of trying to turn night into day. Their light made the road look as if it had tiny diamonds embedded in it. The streets were steadily losing population, and things were calming down. The rain’s purpose would soon go unnoticed. A random bus stop had two people waiting. Both were anxious to get home. After what seemed like eternity, a bus slowly stopped, filled to capacity. They shuffled at the door, trying to escape the sparkling night. A woman quickly hopped on and held onto the railing. The other, an old man went straight to the back. Wait- one more! He accidentally stepped on the woman's foot.

“Sorry-sorry!” He said, out of breath, flustered and incredibly good looking.

A sudden smile appeared on her face, masking the frown caused by her throbbing foot. She thought to herself: how much she liked rainy days.


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 11:27 pm
yubbies21 wrote a review...



Hey there! This will be my tenth review this Review Day! I'm so pumped!

It's okay if stories are short! I really don't like reading really long stories, so this is perfect! Even though it is small, it has wonderful descriptions!

The street lights were doing a decent job of trying to turn night into day. Their light made the road look as if it had tiny diamonds embedded in it. The streets were steadily losing population, and things were calming down.
:)

This was really good! Maybe make it a little teensy-weensy itty-bitty bit longer? I'd love to se more description, what the inside of the bus smells like, what the passengers are doing (sleeping, eating, reading, staring out the window, etc.), what the
incredibly good looking.
guys looks like. I had questions about him. What color is his hair? eyes? Did he have a tan? Does he have muscles? Is he wearing cologne?

Happy Review Day!

yubbies21




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 3:55 pm
LMJRayner wrote a review...



I think the title is a little ambiguous ha :) I was half expecting a short about something else if you know what I mean.

The ending is really nice and sweet, it left a good after taste. I think maybe though you should focus the short on the man sat at the bus stop, maybe he's describing the way he hates the rain and the everything bad about it. Just basically moaning about everything and then when he gets on the bus and treads on this woman's foot, he does a complete 180 and mentions how he's always liked rainy days, it would be quite a funny ending.

I also had the problem that some other people had with the bit about the old man getting to the back of the bus, for a moment I didn't know what the hell was going on. But other than that really cool.

Hope this helps,

LMJ




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Sat Aug 24, 2013 11:18 am
Legibletext wrote a review...



Hi man,

decent piece. I enjoyed reading it. But I had a few problems with some stuff, like the grammar and punctuation, and some lines that to me didn't make too much sense-but I got what you meant anyway.

E.g. "The streets were steadily losing population"-sorta makes sense, but doesn't, you get me?

Try; " The population of people who roamed the streets by day was steadily decreasing."

You don't have to use that, but its just a tip.

"A random bus stop" Also, don't say random bus stop. It's a bit of a sloppy, lazy word to describe a bus stop.

But anyway, you did a pretty good job. Hats off to ya :)




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Thu Aug 22, 2013 8:20 pm
Valkyrie17 wrote a review...



Hey there, am here to leave a review!

This is a really lovely short piece and the imagery is beautiful. You have managed to create a whole story in just a paragraph and a bit. I love the rain but you have made it seem even more dazzling with your descriptions.

The only part that had me tripping over my feet was this one,

"The other, an old man went straight to the back. Wait- one more! He accidentally stepped on the woman's foot."

After reading it a few times I think it is talking about two different people, yes? The old guy goes to the back of the bus and other man runs up to catch the bus in time? Also how did the old guy manage to get to the back of the bus if it was crowed? Maybe I am just being silly and read it wrong again. :D

I couldn't see any spelling mistakes and I think its been mentioned that you have used colons instead of semicolons. Other than that it is a flawless piece. Well done!

~ Valkyrie




ziggiefred says...


Hey. Thank you for the review :) And yes, the old man goes to the back and another guy hurries in before it leaves. I think I should mention the old man's struggle to the back? hehe
Thanks again.



Valkyrie17 says...


No worries! Yup, you should defiantly add it in. :D Can't be confusing me, hehe ;)



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Thu Aug 22, 2013 7:08 pm
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1heather3 says...



woah such good imagery and description!




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Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:38 pm
GoldFlame says...



GoldFlame here with a review!

Nice story overall! I enjoyed reading it, and I loved the ending. I just have a few things to comment on...

To begin, you used colons in places where semicolons were necessary ("It was the typical summer evening after a rainstorm; there were puddles everywhere...."). In the sentence aforementioned, I also felt like you could do a better job than "...puddles everywhere and the air was pure again." Maybe "...puddles everywhere, but the air was dry and pristine (a contrast to the mugginess of the storm)"?

The next sentence about the "tiny diamonds" seemed kind of awkward, like it was just thrown in there. I know that you're capable of varying your sentences :), so I suggest that you consider joining it with the second sentence, or omitting the second sentence completely.

And I was kind of confused when you mentioned "the rain's purpose" and "a random bus stop." Did you mean an out-of-place bus stop? It be unwise, too, to use the word "stop" two times right next to each other. It might be better to just say that a bus slowed down, or maybe that it "screeched to a halt" (if you want to add expression). In the same clause, you mentioned "fill to capacity." You probably meant "jammed to full capacity"?

Then when you wrote "trying to escape the sparkling night", I was wondering why you used the word "trying" and "sparkling." The word "sparkling" makes it sound like a beautiful night, not one that you want to escape. You should probably consider something along these lines: "...eager to escape the chilly night."

Maybe you should elaborate more on the guy's good looks, too.

Anyway, the short story was awesome, and I couldn't believe that you were running out of ideas! Sorry that I nitpicked it pretty hard!

Can't wait to read more of your work!


SilverFlame




GoldFlame says...


;) Sorry about submitting twice!



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Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:35 pm
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GoldFlame says...



GoldFlame here with a review!

Nice story overall! I enjoyed reading it, and I loved the ending. I just have a few things to comment on...

To begin, you used colons in places where semicolons were necessary ("It was the typical summer evening after a rainstorm; there were puddles everywhere...."). In the sentence aforementioned, I also felt like you could do a better job than "...puddles everywhere and the air was pure again." Maybe "...puddles everywhere, but the air was dry and pristine (a contrast to the mugginess of the storm)"?

The next sentence about the "tiny diamonds" seemed kind of awkward, like it was just thrown in there. I know that you're capable of varying your sentences :), so I suggest that you consider joining it with the second sentence, or omitting the second sentence completely.

And I was kind of confused when you mentioned "the rain's purpose" and "a random bus stop." Did you mean an out-of-place bus stop? It would be unwise, too, to use the word "stop" two times right next to each other. It might be better to just say that a bus slowed down, or maybe that it "screeched to a halt" (if you want to add expression). In the same clause, you mentioned "fill to capacity." You probably meant "jammed to full capacity"?

Then when you wrote "trying to escape the sparkling night", I was wondering why you used the word "trying" and "sparkling." The word "sparkling" makes it sound like a beautiful night, not one that you want to escape. You should probably consider something along these lines: "...eager to escape the chilly night."

Maybe you should elaborate more on the guy's good looks, too.

Anyway, the short story was awesome, and I couldn't believe that you were running out of ideas! Sorry that I nitpicked it pretty hard.

Can't wait to read more of your work!


GoldFlame




ziggiefred says...


Hey GoldFlame. This is a lovely review and thank you so much for the feedback. To answer some of your questions: "the rain's purpose", this I want the reader to have their own interpretation, but what it means is the noise and commotion that comes along with a rainy day in a populated place. It's a negative characteristic of rainfall.

"Random bus stop" is just a random bus stop that happens to have 2 people in it waiting for a bus.

"trying to escape the sparkling night"- sparkling refers to the effect of the rain in the light or how the raindrops would look like in the light. So a person would want to get away from that (the rain, even though it's stopped) and get to shelter.
Thank you again for your helpful review. I love that you were so nitpicky. ;)



GoldFlame says...


(I know this is kind of a late reply!) Thanks for the clearing up, but they were just rhetorical questions :P. I'm glad it was helpful!



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Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:06 pm
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ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hiya Ziggs!

Because I liked your last piece of flash fiction so much, and this was looking a bit shy of reviews, I thought I'd take a look at this! I did enjoy this a lot, however not as much as the last one for reasons I'll mention a bit later on- but sticking on the positive side I like the romantic element of this all and it makes it all quite cute. The ending it really nice too! Generally this is a cool story, and I know flash fiction is quite hard to write but so far you are pulling it off really well gurl ;D.

Again, this is quite short so there's not a lot to comment on, but when I was reading this I noticed that there were lots of sentences that began with 'the' or 'a' which makes it a bit odd to read, and it's something to watch out for. I suggest reading over this again to spot them and try and make it so it's not all like that. I always end up doing that sort of thing on my first draft, but it's important to try and avoid because repetition in any case can get a bit boring- and because this piece is so short it becomes more noticeable.

I think one reason I preferred the other one to this one is because technically speaking, the sentences were more varied. Here a lot of sentences start with the same thing and I also noticed that all the sentences are quite short or simple, so that again makes it a bit hard to read. I hate to repeat myself again, but because it's short you notice it a bit more. So I'd like to see some more varied sentence lengths please!

Lastly, I know this is flash fiction so you have to keep the word count pretty low, but I really wanted to see more descriptions of either the two people in it- because I mean, they're mysterious enough but I just don't really feel anything for them right now, in terms of characters. Or, maybe more on the weather and the storm, because you started using some nice descriptions, but maybe just a tad more wouldn't hurt.

Overall, this was a pleasant read and I absolutely love the ending! I also liked how the title actually did connect with the story, I didn't quite get it at first, but I got it after reading the ending. I probably come off as some mad OCD lady right now because I've spoken so much about sentence structure/length, but for me it's something I always notice and I'm sure some others do too. I hope this review helped, as always feel free to PM me with any questions you have or if you'd like another review on anything.

Keep writing!
~ArcticMonkey x




ziggiefred says...


Oooh Tam! Thank you so much for this review. I like OCD Tam ;) This review is so helpful and I appreciate it. I did notice that I began a lot of my sentences with "the" when reading over this story, but I was too lazy to do anything about it, hehe. I'm sorry *hides*. As for the characters, I guess maybe I tried to leave too much to the imagination. But thank you, I'm going to edit this one like crazy!



ArcticMonkey says...


Yay, OCD rules! (sometimes) I'm glad this review was okay, and now that I think about it more, maybe it's okay if you leave the characters to be more mysterious.




Some call me a legacy, others call me a hero. But I assure you, dear admirers, I am only human.
— Persistence