I can feel you squirming in my veins;
Twisting and tormenting my insides.
Telling me what I can and can not be.
Telling me when and
when I shouldn’t breathe.
You refuse to release your death
grip on me.
I just want to be free.
Still can’t breathe,
still can’t be me.
You stare at me, smiling devilishly,
that thirst shining in your soulless eyes,
you will not stop staring.
I know my blood is the only thing that will
quench your sickening hunger.
I beg for you to stop, I can not think.
I keep begging;
Please, let me go.
Let me go,
I just want to be free.
Still can’t think,
still can’t go.
The words crawl up my throat,
repeating incessantly, determined to get you out,
of my body, of my mind.
Warning you of what you can and can not have.
You can not have me.
You set fire to my heart instead,
making me gag and cough up the attempt.
I just want to be free.
Still can’t win,
still can’t begin.
I can feel your hands fracturing my bones,
each and every one.
But you do not care, you never care.
You laugh, I cry, you crush harder.
My efforts are futile and I lose all desire,
to fight, to live, to smile.
I just don’t want to be
free because I know I never will be.
I lie on the floor, unmoving and whisper,
“Okay, Depression,
you win.”
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Cailey here from the Green Lantern Garden here to review.
Be careful not to sound cliché or repetitive. This is a topic that people write about a lot, and it's easy to fall into saying the same old thing, even if it is true and relatable. Just make sure that you keep your own individual touch to this, make it yours and not just another poem about depression. But you have done a pretty good job on that, so congrats.
I have to admit, first off, that I did not read the original version. I don't know why, but I just wanted to see what you have now, and work on improving that. I guess I was worried that I would get the two muddle in my mind and end up reviewing the old one. And that wouldn't be very helpful. So I hope you don't mind and I hope my review helps at least a tiny bit, although I could tell that this was revised. You obviously did some edits and it sounds good.
I love the rhythm you have here, it flows nicely, but at the same time it has a rough rhythm with a lot of breaks, which fits really well with the theme, and, well, the whole idea of the poem.
Along with that, though, I think it would sound even better if you take out all the contractions. Say cannot and will not instead of can't and won't and it sounds way more forceful and decisive.
I love the imagery you use here, though, you have some nice detail and description. I think maybe you could add some more detail, but at the same time if you add too much it might sound over the top and would lose some of the desperation that it has now.
I wish I had some more advice, but this is revised once already, and I'm starting to get a little bit tired.
Oh, I remembered something else I was going to say.
Let me know if you have anything to say or ask, and of course keep writing, keep writing, keep writing!
Just reviewing the revised poem here: I really don't have anything negative to say about this poem. I liked your use of italics on certain words. I also loved how you ended some lines halfway through your thought so as to surprise the reader on the next line. Ex: "I just don't want to be/ Free, because I know I will never be," and "You refuse to release your death/ Grip on me." Nice work!
Thank you! And thanks for your review!
This poem is very relatable. To the point where I have tears in my eyes, as I know exactly what you're talking about.
The only thing I'm unsure about with this poem is the last line. I personally felt it should end at "you win".
The main point of this review is simply to say that I loved this poem, and I want to hear more like this from you. You have obviously put a lot of emotion into this poem and the reader will definitely be able to feel that. Perhaps unless they are Spock.
Yeah, I actually was going to remove the last line. When I was writing this I kept adding it and deleting it. I can be very indecisive. Anyway, thanks for your review and following me!
First of all, this has great potential. There is power here, and there is raw emotion. Great job.
However, I think that this could be taken farther, be made better. This is good as is, but I think you can make it great.
Right now you have the germ of an idea. It seems as though you're trying to capture a very certain mood and feel here, but it comes up as a bit vague.
The thing is, because depression is something a lot of people deal with, it is something a lot of them write about. And that is your challenge. To make this personal, powerful, something different than any one else.
That being said, what I think you could do with a little more succinctness. Specify. Make this relatable. Right now you have a lot of words, but somehow it seems a little melodramatic to me. And that lacks emotion. Describe. Take us inside your head. Why do you feel this way? What does it feel like?
Now for the line-by-line:
Powerful opening line, I love this
There is a beatiful, lyrical quality to these lines. They fit together. They flow together. It's the format. I personally like this form here, its harmonious and yet broken. It fits with the subject. However, you slip out of this in the following lines. Is there a way that you could remain consistent with the form you set out here?
A bit over used. Is there a more creative way to express the same feeling?
I pesonally think the "Oh" detracts a bit from the rest of the poem. It doesn't seem to fit.
Still can’t breathe,
Your lines start to run on at this point. I know that this is free verse, but that doesn't mean you can't structure things. Try and be more consistent with your form.
"I beg" is a bit awkward here.
Other than that, I found the emphases you placed through italics to be an interesting technique. But beware of over using it. Emphasis should come out naturally through the reading of the poem. It may end up sounding forced and artifical when you add it in like this. I would reccomend using only one or two words in italics. But that's just me.
This was great. I realize how delicate a subject this is, and I hope I didn't come across as harsh or anything. I simply want to see you make this better.
Keep writing,
~ED
You didn't come across harsh at all! I like criticism and I think you gave me great feedback. I'm really more of a novelist. Just trying a hand at poetry! Thanks for your review!
This is honestly so powerful, I really like this a lot!
This is a subject that hit home for a lot of people, as I kept reading, I honestly felt the emotion.
you're very talented and I hope you keep writing
Thank you!