A fierce, howling wind whips at my bare skin and tangles my soft, golden curls as I desperately look for an escape. I have never known a rage like this. Why did I do it? Why did I trust them? Dark shadows close in around me, chanting a language that I don’t understand. All I can hear is anger and betrayal.
A furious deafening boom thunders above me, followed by a burst of flames erupting in the spot I was standing, moments ago. Searing, biting heat licks my falling, heavy tears as I stare in horror at the flickering flames before me. The hem of my white night dress starts to burn at the bottom so I try to scramble away. The fire begins to close in, forcing me further backwards. I stumble on to my knees and turn with a terrified cry when I realise that there is nowhere for me to go.
Nowhere for me to go except for an enormous, gaping black hole leading to who knows where. All I can do is dig my nails into the rough, gritty floor, begging silently to be spared. Sobs rack my body as I come to terms with the choice that has been placed before me. Being swallowed by a roaring inferno or plummeting down a pitch black void is a choice that I don’t think I will ever be ready to make. A choice that is my punishment. A punishment I deserve.
“I’m sorry!” I scream at the dark shadows, but deep down I know it is too late.
I feel the skin at the end of my fingertips slice open on the sharp stones as I am dragged backwards by the wailing wind. The noise makes my head spin and I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.
The fire dances higher, crackling and spitting, almost knowing that its is close to its morbid goal. Why did I do it? Why did I trust them?
One more angry, ear splitting boom fills my head and pain sears through my hands. I can’t hold on. I have to let go. I try to unfurl my wings, to be ready, but every scrap of strength has deserted me and I finally drop into the oblivion.
Falling…
Falling…
Falling…
My back smashes into something rock solid, violently knocking the breath out of me. I howl in pain as my wings crumple beneath my coughing body. I try and to look where I have landed. My eyes slowly adjust to the darkness and I spot three pairs of eyes staring at me. I go into survival mode, kick my legs at the floor and push myself back against a damp wall. The staring eyes just come closer.
“What do you want?” I whimper, barely recognising my own voice.
“Guards, take off her dress,” a gruff voice orders followed by cruel hands darting forwards and grabbing my arms, fingertips digging in, bruising my skin and then yank me up. My burned, white dress is ripped from my body leaving me to stand naked and shivering. Who are these people?
“Wings,” the same gruff voice spits. I see a flash of silver in the darkness and I cry out with fear. My wings are sliced, mutilated beyond recognition. I have never known pain like this. Whether the emotional or physical pain of losing my wings is equally the same, I will never know. I have gone numb. They will be of no use to me anymore. “Number.” A sharp, bit erupts on my left forearm. I struggle but the guards grip is too strong for me to break. I look down and see the number ‘185’ glaring back at me, the skin broken and bleeding where it has been brutally inked.
“Take her down to the cell,” the voice demands. All of his words sound rehearsed as though this ritual has been repeated again and again.
I am dragged and shoved down a wide corridor,whilst I’m trying desperately to cover up my stripped body. I can hear various whispers as we pass row upon row of black, iron doors. A hand shoots out from one of the door grates, grabbing at my golden hair and slamming my skull on the bars. Black spots of unconsciousness flicker behind my eyes, as a slick, tongue licks the side of my cheek. A gut wrenching scream escapes my lips. Thankfully, I am roughly pulled aside by the guard who is leading me but I feel sticky blood dripping through my hair.
Shrieks and shouts are now echoing down the corridor, mixing in with my own pathetic cries for help. An iron door swings open before me and I am thrust inside a cell so hard that I fall to my knees. I scramble around to look at my captors.
“Don’t leave me in here!” I shout. “Please!”
The only thing I see as the iron door begins to close, is a pair of dark blue eyes glowing at me from the cell directly opposite. The iron door slams and I am left to sob in the darkness. Why did I do it? Why did I trust them?
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Okay, so I saw this and it sparked my interest and I know that you're a good writer so I just had to read this.
All of what I highlighted in red is an adjective. Some of these aren't needed because we already, as people, know what these look like.P1: This first paragraph was very well written. It gives a brief description of the character, what's happening, and the setting while still flowing wonderfully. It really grabs the reader's interest and if they had any doubts before they shouldn't have any after reading your first paragraph.
P2: This is where your flow kind of starts to drift off into imagery land. You seem to be focusing too much on describing every little thing that's happening with one or more adjective. You don't need to. Here's an example of what I mean.
P3: The first sentence here is a little strange because in a sense it contradicts the last sentence in your second paragraph. First you say there's nowhere to go, now apparently there's a giant hole as her choice. Since there is this hole I would mention it in paragraph two when you say there's nowhere to go so that you don't confuse the reader too much.
Setting: I'm a little confused as to where/what is happening. Is she in the hole? Is there fire in the hole? Is she on a mountain that she has to grab on so she doesn't fall? When the hem of her dress is burning, shouldn't her dress be on fire? I would clear some of these things up. Go back and read it out loud and you will see what I'm getting at with no prior knowledge that only the author has.
I thought this was pretty well done because you brought the structure of how you wrote this into describing what was happening. It kind of helps the reader understand and feel like they are here, watching this girl fall in what I presume is the dark hole.
Redundancy: Okay, so there are some parts where your descriptions are wasted.
Well isn't she on rock anyways? So it would only make sense that what her back smashes into isn't described as "rock solid".
Isn't the hem of the dress at the bottom anyways? I could be wrong, but if it is at the bottom then you don't really need to say that your dress is burning at the bottom when you already said flames are licking the hem. Also, if your dress catches fire wouldn't anyone scramble away? The "so" makes it seem like it's not natural to do so.
Wings: When you mention wings everything starts to clear up as to what is happening in my mind and you grab my attention yet again. I do wish you had mentioned them earlier so that they didn't seem random in my mind, but I guess how you mentioned them was pretty well done. I really want to see what Shadowdale has to do with her future now.
Okay, when you say sliced I only imagine them cutting off her wings once and then everything is done. Now when you say mutilated I imagine that they're still attached but have been cut a number of times.
Okay, just thought that I should show you this little typo and also bring to your attention how much you say the word stripped.
Ending: I really liked how you ended this. It brings up the question again leaving it fresh in the reader's minds, why did she trust "them". Now I want to know who "them" is.
Overall: This was a really good introduction to your piece and I look forward to what comes out next. Please do update me once chapter one comes out! I'm dying to know where you're going with this.
Sushi
I really enjoyed the story so far from what I understand it's an Angel being deprived of her wings and being held prisoner, for what exactly I don't really know yet in later chapters you should slowly give the reader pieces of information about why she is being held you also seem to be trying too hard adding your descriptive words and you also deem to group the descriptive words closely together which can sometimes bore the reader but if you improve that you will be able to make the story more intriguing for the reader/reviewer.
You reviewed mine so I'm reviewing yours
There's nothing wrong with this description, it's fine that she has hair like that, it just sounds out of place. The rest of the sentence is rough and panicked and it would do fine with just saying "hair" there instead.
I like this, because she can't literally hear that, but it's still easy to get what you mean because most of us have experienced such intense anger.
All these descriptive words are good, but for some reason the way they're grouped in twos, three times in a row distracted me so I think the paragraph could benefit from losing one or two of those bold words.
I'm pretty sure that should have that ending on it...
I love it! I love the name, very creative, and the whole thing is just so...gritty. This is the most intrigued I've been to read on since I've been at YWS so be proud! You're writing is really real, but at the same time you've managed to create a whole new world. There were minor mistakes, but everyone has those and it's harder to catch them in your own writing than someone else's. The description is great for creating imagery and you definitely have an advanced vocabulary and a good variety of sentence structure. Everything flowed very nicely and the idea certainly seems original.
Great job!
Hmm what is this? I see that you have written a new story prologue. I see I see.
i must say, I am impressed. I think your writing has improved from the last thing I read, or else I am in a better mood. I have a couple of things to point note of. Firstly, there's some chick, I dunno, a fairy or an angel or something, being tortured. When in third person I like to think of the entire narrative an extension of the main characters mind.
Really now? Shes in poverty and distress, I think the last thing she is going to be thinking about is how soft and golden her curls are. I think there could be a more appropriate time later on in the story to bring up this description.
Secondly:
I feel like this is a major part of your story. I mean, she just got mutilated, you need to make a bigger deal off this. Also i think the guy saying "wings" is a pretty lame line, sorry, but its just one word, you could have a way cooler line than that or even no words at all might be more powerful. I think you should complete extended this segment of the scene, infact this whole captured thing needs some elaborating. Have some time pass, have her brood on her thoughts. But then again it s a prologue. In that case make it more mysterious, darker, more subtle, have everything more dirty, evil and sexy. Ok in context that may have been a bad way to describe that.. I mean shes naked after all... I didn't mean like that ok... OK...
Also use this chance to establish some personality. At the moment you have a whimpering, begging little girl. maybe she has more fire in her, maybe she would spit in their face, maybe she would kick, give them silent death stares. I think at this stage she is quite shallow, but then again, its the prologue, give a bit of mystery. There's no point in having a prologue if it isn't different from the chapters in some way.
Anyway good job, I am looking forward to reading more.
Love Olives....
Hey there! Rosie here for a review on this glorious day of reviews.
Try reading this sentence out loud. For some reason, the flow of it doesn't seem so smooth to me.
I love your use of imagery here. I literally cringed away from my computer as I read that.
I really don’t have any nitpicks here, which is always a good thing. When I do a review, typically I go line by line as I read, and try to dissect it. However, your work really stopped me in my tracks, and I found myself unable to go through my usual routine. I read it once, then once more. The use of imagery you have in your work is phenomenal, and you really hooked me as your reader. So much so that I couldn’t focus on it as a reviewer. You did a good job of creating curiosity in your reader, and not giving too much away. You’ve got a really solid piece here, and I can’t wait to read more.
Also, bold move using the tense that you did. I’ve personally never been able to write in that tense, and admire anybody who can.
Great job and keep writing!
-Rosie
Hey there! Cailey here from the Green Lanterns to review, since you asked.
I have to start off by saying that I really liked this. You had good descriptions and I could definitely see this unfurling as though I were watching the whole thing. I could easily picture this as a movie, and it would be a good movie, at that.
Along with that, though, I have a warning. Beware of adjectives. It can be really tempting to overuse adjectives, and I am totally guilty of this. I remember being really proud of the beginning chapter of one of my novels, and then I read it a year later and was shocked by how awful all the adjectives that I had been so proud of sounded.
Don't worry, you didn't go completely adjective happy, but you could probably get rid of some of those adjectives and make the whole thing better. Adding a descriptive word to every noun ends up sounding less detailed and way more cliché.
I also think you could add some more description to the fire at the beginning. I was a bit confused about whether she was laying down or running or what, until right before she fell when I realized she had been hanging on. So see if you can expand on that, and I think you could do more with describing the flames and the dark shadows.
As for the second part, you did a great job. I could see the scene unfolding, and I liked the mysteriousness of the man giving the commands. It was easy to imagine the hand banging her against the cell, and the darkness of the prison.
Overall, great job. If you need anything let me know. And of course, keep writing.
Hey, Stef here to review your prologue
First of all, good job on keeping me guessing on what was happening in the story, that left me wanting to read further to find out. I got a bit surprised at the mention of wings, it came out completely out of nowhere! I'm guessing she was hiding them, which is why she didn't use them to get away.
The narrator seems like an interesting enough character, and I am guessing the pair of dark blue eyes are the love interest here, since it is labeled as a romance story. I'm interested to see how this goes, this jail romance thing.
One thing that I did not like, however was your constant use of epithets. I think it was bordering on being way too much. I was never one for too many epithets. One sentence got to me particularly : A fierce, howling wind whips at my bare skin and tangles my soft, golden curls (Yes the first sentence). The thing that I didn't like here, is that it's first person. So as a first person, describing your hair as soft, golden curls seems a bit off to me.. Maybe it's just me though.
Also, being a total perfectionist: ...Black spots of unconsciousness flicker behind my eyes, as a slick, tongue licks the side of my cheek... The commas here are unnecessary, there's no need to pause while reading this sentence.
Regardless, I'm wondering where you're going with this, and I will watch out for more!
Alright, so, I will admit, this did have me guessing. I didn't have any idea what was happening and I was just as on edge as she was. That is something you have to keep on doing, it creates a connection between the reader and the character, and that is very important because if they do like the character, the reader will keep returning and reading more.
I see below that people have already gotten on your grammar, so I won't touch on that, I'm more into reviewing the story.
Now, I may of missed something, but whenever I see this, it really irritates me.
She is being chased after by something, and she is running...but she has wings.
Why doesn't she try to fly away?!
If you're gonna have a character have wings, have them use them! You could create this entire scene of her battling these things as she tries to take off, them fighting her in the air, a dramatic fall back to the ground, something that is really gripping and interesting, but because you don't take advantage of it, you don't get that epic part! Do you see what I mean?
Someone has already made the comment about saying something about pain in the wings, so I will leave that be too.
I'm guessing at the moment that this is an angel who has fallen, and is now going to Hell, or something along that line, and I myself do have a story that takes place in Hell with a fallen Angel, so I do have a certain knowledge of this, and I must say this is a very good interpretation. Though I like to be a bit more long in my parts, I can applaud this, being short, sweet, and to the point.
I wish you luck
~Maddie
Helllooooo!!!! Leo here to review your work...
To begin with, will say it is a good piece, but with a lot of mistakes....I "love" using the word but....it has a feeling of anticlimax associated within it in writing...coming back, i would like to point out the errors in a plain manner...
First, "I was standing in moments ago." It should be "I was standing, moments ago." or "I was standing a moment ago."
Second, "Searing, biting heat licks at my falling, heavy tears" You don't need a preposition out there i guess..It will be better without it..let go of the "at" in the line...
Third, "white night dress quickly" overuse of adjectives!!!! the rhyming troubles the reader..keep it simple, "white dress" (is she wearing a night suit????)
fourth, "its is close to its morbid goal" it should be "it's"
Fifth, "I go into survival mode,"...this line, specially the words reminds me of a science fiction...Why not just write, "I come to my senses"....(That's my opinion of course, no offence)
Sixth, "darting forwards and grabbing " just "forward" ; "I have never known pain like it." it's "Like that" or "Like this" (preferably,as it is in the present tense) not "like it" ; "guards grip is too strong" It's "guard's"....
Seventh, the problem with things that are singular but we make it plural...like you did..."numbers ‘185’"....185 together is a "Number" not numbers, because you didn't express it in individuality of it...as numbers 1, 8 and 5....Same mistake people make while using the letters of the "alphabet" and calling each letter as alphabets...
Eight, "as been repeated" it's has been...not "as"....
By the way, I do assume that most of your small errors are typing errors (blame the technology!) and are not intentional...coming back again,
" hear murmured whispers" don't use two words that have kind of same meaning...murmur already means to talk very faintly or quietly, and so does whisper.....use only whisper instead of the two...
Well, it's done...just want to add that I liked reading your piece, but the errors somewhat dismantled or say wrecked the flow of the prologue...Would like to read it again for sure, when you come up with the edited piece with corrections and additions if you want...
Thank you:-) (Please take no offence)
No offence taken
I'm a tough cookie! & I always want to improve so your comments are greatly appreciated. THANKS! Will defo let you know when the new version is up with all of the amendments.
Olive <3
Hi! I'm here to review your prologue.
"in the spot I was stood moments ago."
Typo. Should be "in the spot I was standing moments ago."
"With my bright white night dress singing quickly at the bottom"
These adjectives feel awkward, since "bright white night" all rhyme, and "singing" based off of "singe" reads the same as "sing-ing." Try out some other word combinations here to avoid the rhyme. For example, "my stark white night dress burning quickly at the hem" might sound better. Alliteration is just dandy, but try to avoid rhyming.
"no where"
Can be shortened to "nowhere." I feel doing so speeds things up.
"I feel the skin at the end of my fingertips slice open"
Ow. But what's she slicing them on? The gritty floor?
"almost knowing that its is close to it's morbid goal."
the first "its" should be "it." The "it's" doesn't need the apostrophe because it's for an inanimate object that cannot actually have a goal. When talking about fire, use "its goal."
"A hand shoots out from one the doors grates"
Should be "one of the doors grates." However, I would leave out the "s" at the end of "doors."
"An iron door is opened before me and I am thrust inside so hard that I fall to my knees."
Using "is opened" isn't as strong as simply using "opens." Also, there might be confusion if you don't mention the room in which she is thrust. Maybe "I am thrust into the cell so hard..." might be an improvement.
Overall, I liked this for a prologue. It caught my attention pretty well, though I think a bit more description could be used to describe the main character's choice between the fire or the black hole thing. Also, you only mention her wings maybe twice, but they're clearly a very vital aspect of her being. Every time she lands on her back or gets pulled against a wall I kept thinking, "why not note the pain she feels in her wings when that happens?" Some more details could help in that regard, I believe.
And since you're using winged humanoids for this (I assume from the descriptions, anyway) I would suggest looking through this guy's 4-part series on the possible functional anatomy of winged humanoids: http://mernolan.deviantart.com/art/Wing ... -192295395
I found it very interesting and it could help cement your feathered protagonist into her universe.
As for the distinct possibility of rape in this scenario, I just want to say that you shouldn't rely on it for shock value too much as you continue this. Danger is fine, and the other inmates clearly provide that, but a variety of dangers makes it more interesting. Also, people always like to have a strong protagonist, male or female, and if this girl flies then she has to have some phenomenal physical strength to begin with. Since this is a fantasy world, though, you have much from which you may draw for inspiration (I recommend reading through some D&D books for some more winged humanoids). I look forward to the next entry.
Good luck!
Thank you! You have been more than helpful. I've made amendments
Will let you know when the next entry is up!
Olive <3