z

Young Writers Society


16+

Em. (First Revision)

by SolitaryCanary


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

He looms in the doorway with an aggregate stone upon his shoulder, facets in the rock facing fracturing as they collect. A short memoir of time best forgotten, I simply call him Em, for enmity. I smile and wave as I take my place amidst the tedious tasks of the day set forth.

I begin my day by passing him with a cold shoulder, on to a warm shower. Em groans and sits patiently at the doorway, silent and brooding. I shave, much to his discontent, and work my way past him into the kitchen.

Here is where we find ourselves at a crossroads, as Em always wants an omelette and never compromises. I can yield to him, but I've learned that it's easiest not to start the day with my white flag waving. I skip breakfast.

We continue to work as things become even more droll, and devoid of much wanted interaction. Humor shared only between Em and I is often found distasteful by others, as few would understand or relate. We've an especially distasteful bond, he and I, one I oft try to forget. Friends and colleagues pass him by as usual, and I dismiss him as well.

Few moments are shared between us during the day. Though, through proper provocation he may speak. It is customary, however, to give Em notice only when he claims it. He has learned to wear his leash well, and is rather tame when lacking cause.

I imagine he has quite the repertoire with such free time, or a rather long reading list. It isn't often that I find myself envying Em, and when I do I quickly regret it. He seethes, incredulous and sadistic, smiling and waving me on. As if to say: "No, no, continue, you're just a simple creature. I cannot expect you to have any insight, or to realize your ignorance." Smug bastard.

As the night wanes on we have these disputes, and oft I find myself in fear of them. The ignorant bliss of the day gives way to reality. Em simply sits, and I watch him silently, begrudging him nothing. I find little comforting in the sad mess left in my floor. Scattered papers and personal belongings in familiar array. Em tidies up, sorts and organizing the scraps he has to work with. He doesn't look me in the eye, and the tension is palpable. His thoughts, vehement, are audible in the chaos.

"Today.. morning, afternoon, and... ah, night. What further wreckage can he produce in twenty-four hours, he calls this life? I'm no maid, and if I were I simply do not get paid enough for this. You should really try to deal with more of your daily... you're not listening. Ah well, just like any other night. The fool carries his briefcase and stows pieces of the day too complex for this imbecile. Yet he has the nerve to call me his Em, his enmity. He is my indifference, my apathy."

I find myself in the doorway, looking in, as Em pieces together the broken pieces of my memories and emotions. I find little solace in this arrangement, but the sardonic amusement is incessant. To be the antagonist in my story, what a shame.


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394 Reviews


Points: 16710
Reviews: 394

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Fri Sep 06, 2013 6:52 pm
KnightTeen wrote a review...



Hi, HT here to review!

He looms in the doorway with an aggregate stone upon his shoulder, facets in the rock facing fracturing as they collect.


I have nothing to complain about here, expect to tell you that today you gave me a small English lesson. I had no idea what the word, "facets" meant. I just had to Google the definition. Thanks for the free education.


We continue to work as things become even more droll, humor shared only between Em and I is often found distasteful by others.


Unfortunately, there is something slightly wrong with this sentence. It is two sentences rolled into one, separated by a comma. Yes, they relate to each other slightly, but not enough to make good sense. In the first section, you make it clear that the characters are ignoring each other, and then you simply say that they share humor.

Now, these two parts connect through the word, "droll" which implies that their day is droll do to lack of interaction between the two, because they share humor. You just need smoother transition, a different way to connect the two subjects so that together they clearly form one.

I love your use of the English language, how it almost seems to be from another time when people actually cared about what they said. I hate the lack of good language today. If you can't speak properly, you should speak at all. But who am I to criticize? Being a southerner, I have a really bad twang. But I can sound sophisticated if I choose to.
Basically, what I am trying to convey is that the language you used is very sophisticated, and it was a nice change from the norm.

I'm afraid though, that I didn't quite understand why you rated it 16+. I also didn't really understand the plot, mostly due to lack of content. I would like to see this either made longer or continued.

The questions I have that are unanswered:

What are the characters to one another?
Why are they at odds?
What did you mean by his thoughts are audible?
And why was Em piecing together the memories of the other person?

This was good, you just really left me wondering, and rather excited as to what happens next.

Peace,
HT






Thanks a ton HT. You gave me a lot to think about and your questions were very helpful. I could spoil the plot but, If I am to continue this work, I should not. Sometimes it seems that nothing I say will make sense to other people so I try to make it a bit less convoluted, only to find it more so. Haha. I'll try to fix what you have pointed out(even if it makes sense to me). Thanks, again.



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19 Reviews


Points: 283
Reviews: 19

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Wed Aug 28, 2013 5:03 am
alilovessandy wrote a review...



i would like to start by saying this was a great peice. i did notice that it had been posted for a while without any reveiws. i myself only read it because it had no reveiws and i really need points. you really need to come up with a catchy title that is intreging aswell as a much better discription. you need a discription that will catch people straight away. if you change these thing you will get so many more reveiws. apart from that good job. if you need help with the title and discription just message me. i would be more than happy to help.






Thanks for the review. Haha. I suppose I could use a bit of creativity. Or perhaps people simply did not like it. I'm not very active right now, but I'll get back to you. :)




"You're wrong about humanity. They are your greatest creation because they're better than you are. Sure, they're weak, and they cheat and steal and destroy and disappoint, but they also give and create, and they sing and dance and love. Above all, they never give up."
— Metatron