I don't have enough time to right a full review, but nine year olds aren't that innocent. She'd be scared. Perhaps someone younger?
Alice giggled as she slid into the back of abandoned car. "They'll never find me here." she whispered as she looked out the back window. All the windows were blacked out. There was a certain joy Alice felt in being able to see someone who wasn't able to see her, and it made her giggle again, but in a hushed voice. She didn't want to attract the Biters.
Alice gazed out the window as the Biters moved past. Shuffling along in a group of forty, Alice estimated. They would bump into each other often, almost knocking each other over. Alice giggled again, the way they walked and the silly red stains on their faces was enough to set her off in hysterics. They reminded her of clowns, in the before days Alice loved clowns.
She watched them walk past some more. They always moved slow. A pack of forty could take at least an hour to move completely out of sight. She started looking at them, really looking at them. One of them she noticed, seemed out of place. Among the group was a little girl. She was about a year younger than Alice, she looked eight years old. Her long, red-stained hair flowed like a black river, stained with blood, but still beautiful. Alice looked at her own frazzled hair tied in lazy pigtails, making her dirty blond hair look like straw. ''I hope mommy can make my hair pretty when I find her." she said. Alice wanted to feel like a princess again.
She froze, as an exasperated sigh came from the front seat of the car. There was a long pause, she was holding her breath, but was made easy by the stiff fear that caught in her throat. She heard a noise, a cough. Biters didn't cough, they didn't breath. "He..hello?" She inquired of the person in the front seat.
"Bet" he said, followed by a loud, hacking noise. "Beth." he was alarmed now. "Beth, I'm sorry, but you......you were bitten, I had no choice but to leave you." he was saying through fits if sobs and coughs. "I didn't want to die." he said looking back to meet her little, confused eyes. The smell if alcohol was strong on his breath, and it made Alice gag. " Beth, your hair is different." he sounded genuinely surprised.
"I'm not Beth." Alice said.
"Yes you are!" he shouted, grabbing her by the neck, and forcing her head into the leather seat. "You are my Beth, you came back," he laughed as tears rolled down his checks. His grip on her neck loosened, but he didn't release her. "you're not infected anymore and we" he stuttered "we will go back to our lives." infected? Alice thought, but this was all just a big game, that's what Mommy had said. Just a big game.
"I'M NOT BETH!" Alice screamed, the man covered her mouth with his hand. She bit him. He immediately recoiled back to the front seat, his eyes wide with surprise and fear. A bite was a powerful thing these days. She seized her opportunity, and leaped out the door. The Biters had just passed the back if the car. Alice sprinted as far as her legs would carry her. Some of the Biters began to follow her, but stopped when the man opened the car door and shouted in a fit if tears.
'Beth!" he screamed, grabbing all the Biter's attention. "please don't leave me again." and then the Biters were on him. Sinking their teeth into him. The bigger ones were the only ones to get a bite, the rest liked blood off the pavement. In pure delight, they screeched with pleasure. Alice couldn't watch after they tore open his chest.
Alice walked home uninterrupted. All the Bitters were probably drawn to the fresh kill. When she reached the front door of her house, she did the secrete knock. BANG-BANGBANG-BANG. She noticed the door was unlocked, and slightly ajar. She walked inside.
She searched the house for her mother, getting more and more panicked with each room she found empty. Eventually Alice reached the small kitchenette at the back of the house, messy from the breakfast they had four hours ago. Her gaze fell to a moving figure. She could see it. Through the back window she could almost make it out. "Mommy." she screamed.
Alice ran to the window, to make sure it was her mommy. It was, but she was a Biter. Alice screamed as her mommy lunged at the window connecting the kitchen and laundry room. Alice went to open the door, but it was locked from the inside. She sat there, in front of the window, thinking. She wondered what would have happened if she stayed with the strange man, but she pushed the thought away, as she rose to find the spare key to the laundry room.
"I'd rather be a Biter with my mommy, than a player with a stranger." she said to herself.
She had found the key. Standing in front of the door she began to to think again. It's only a game she thought as she put the key in the hole. It's like mommy always said, we can't win the game, we'll have to play someday.
The door opened with a defining click.
I don't have enough time to right a full review, but nine year olds aren't that innocent. She'd be scared. Perhaps someone younger?
The Messenger Knight here as the second knight to review.
Alice gazed out the window as the Biters moved past. Shuffling along in a group of forty, Alice estimated.
The bigger ones were the only ones to get a bite, the rest liked blood off the pavement
All the Bitters were probably drawn to the fresh kill.
This is one of three reviews that you will receive from a Green Room Knight.
At first the only thing that I noticed was it was written childishly, but then I realized that Alice was a child, and not a teenager like I first thought. My overall impression of this was that it was written really well, and it had a really tragic ending.
But this wouldn't be much of a review if that was all I said, now would it?
I did notice a few things that I would like to mention.
They reminded her of clowns, in the before days Alice loved clowns.
Her long, red-stained hair flowed like a black river, stained with blood, but still beautiful.
infected? Alice thought
'Beth!" he screamed, grabbing all the Biter's attention. "please don't leave me again."
Hello! This is Knight Rydia reporting for her knightly duty in honour of the KoTGR 
Specifics
1.
A good, clear opening sentence - once you've fixed the typoAlice giggled as she slid into the back of an abandoned car.
The writing feels too stiff here and formulaic because you're starting too many sentences with 'Alice' and a lot of your sentences are a similar length. Try to break them up a little more.Alice gazed out the window as the Biters moved past. Shuffling along in a group of forty, Alice estimated. They would bump into each other often, almost knocking each other over. Alice giggled again,
This sentence is a good example of where you're really managing to capture the child thinking patterns, as is the one where she thinks of her mother making her hair pretty again. Those little details are what make a story great so good work!She froze, as an exasperated sigh came from the front seat of the car. There was a long pause, she was holding her breath, but that was made easy by the stiff fear that caught in her throat.
Hi, there High Top!
SlushySlapped here to review!
I'd love do a line by line, but I know I won't have enough time for that. I'm just going to give an example for something I found a lot and what I felt about this in general.
"They'll never find me here." she whispered as she looked out the back window.
Hi Hightop! I'm here as part of the Green Lanterns Team to review your chapter for this fine review day! And of course I would do anything for a fellow team member!
I will review as I read so I can get all my ideas out as I go! Hopefully it will make perfect sense to you...
Here we go!
Oh wow – your opening paragraph has already grabbed my attention! May be you could add a few descriptives about the abandoned car. How it smells or how the rust flakes off has she clicks shut the door. Just a few suggestions.
Alice's giggling makes her such an interesting character! Why isn't she afraid of these Biters? That makes her a little sinister also & I'm dying to find out more about her!
“She started looking at them, really looking at them.” - I want to know what she sees when she looks at them?! Is their skin falling off? Or is their skin translucent? Or maybe they are just walking bones! I just don't know!
“infected? Alice thought, but this was all just a big game, that's what Mommy had said. Just a big game.” - This keeps getting better and better! This is obviously why she was giggling – because she doesn't realise what danger she is. Cleverly done Hightop.
Omg – why have you done this to me?! I need to know what happens! You can definitely turn this into a novel. That could be your prologue!
Good luck & please let me know if you decide to write more of this!
GO GREEN LANTERNS!
Olive <3
Hi there! Noelle here to review as requested!
I really like your ending. Yes, I am going to start off with the ending.
Everything in the story leads up to the final, waning moments. "Well, duh!" HighTop thinks. That's not exactly what I mean. Basically what I'm saying is that all the action and drama happen within the last few paragraphs. There's action throughout the story, but the main and juicy part of this happens at the end. That's when you realize that Alice's mother has become a biter and that Alice is willing to give up her life to be with her mother. Nice job with that. You had me interested throughout the story and really got me at the end. If I was just a tad bit more of an emotional person I would've cried. But I was man--woman--enough to hold back my tears. Good job with the ending, really. It was great. Definitely not what I was expecting.
This is a short story which makes characterization that more important. You did a good job with Alice (a really good job seeing as she's such a young narrator), but I don't know much about the other characters.
I'll start out with the Biters. From what I could gather, these creatures are a mixture of zombies and vampires. They chase people until catch them, bite them, and infect them. Now what I don't know is what exactly they look like. Although I did read this real late last night so I could've missed it without realizing. But I'd like to see some description of them. Do they still have human traits? Are their clothes all damaged and torn? Do they have blood dripping down their bodies? I want to really see what they look like. If you add in that, this story will be so much more effective.
Next, I know next to nothing about Alice's mother. All I know is that Alice misses her a lot in the beginning and then she turns out to be a Biter. What I want to know is what her mother looks like, how she acts. Describe their home life a bit. Are Alice and her mother super, super close? Is Alice a spitting image of her mother? Do they braid each other's hair at night? I just want to know a little more about their relationship. That'll help me really understand why Alice was willing to give up her life and get bitten just to be with her mother. You know, beyond the natural parent-child relationship.
Overall I really enjoyed this story. I think it's a great idea and a great story. As long as you fix up the characterizations a bit, this can be a great story
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Well, I thought that this was a stupid dare game, but when I started to read a little further I thought, "Whoa! Zombies, not teenagers."
Ah hem. To do this this through the eyes of a nine year old girl, (Like 'The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas'!) that's hard. Really hard. You have to try to get that innocence feel as well as what's going on. And you did just that. Great job at it to. Honestly, the sentence "We can't win the game, we'll have to play someday." Was a great way to put to a little kid. That someday you're going to be one of them somehow. It's a little cold, to have a nine year old do this, but hey, The Boy In The Striped Pyjamas ending was similar. This was great, and I hope you write more in the future.
With All Do Respect
Whole Some Reader
Hey, Runawaylove here to review your story.
First of all this story is really well-written. I like your style of writing. Alice's character is interesting as she is so naive and unaware of the situation. I don't understand one thing. What is Alice doing outside her house and why would her mother let her go outside? If the situation is that her mother is being attacked, how could she have left her?
Other than that I found a tense mistake. Maybe only a typo.
"They reminded her of clowns, in the before days Alice loves clowns."
It will be: "They reminded her of clowns, in the before days Alice loved clowns."
"Biters didn't cough, the didn't breath."
It will be: "Biters didn't cough, they didn't breath."
This story has potential. I really like the idea of Biters rather than zombies or vampires. Great job! I would love to read the second part of this story if you continue it. Keep writing!
Hey, Valkyrie here to drop a review!
First off, I really enjoyed this little zombie-styled piece. I loved that the story is told through the eyes of the young girl. It gives us a different prospective that we don't tend to see in zombie stories. Its brilliant the way you've described this as a 'game'.
"It's like mommy always said, we can't win the game, we'll have to play someday."
This line was quite thought-provoking in my opinion and I think it is my favourite line in this piece! Not only does it provide a beautiful (yet sad) ending, it also applies to life in general as it is now and not after an apocalypse which is why I love it so much.
It terms of grammar and spelling everything seems fine. Nothing jumps out at me as being wrong and the piece flows really nicely.
Your writing style allowed us to see into this world you have created easily. We get to know a lot about Alice and her mom but you don't overload us with too much detail and telling it all to us in one lot. If that makes sense? You have successfully given us little details about their life (before and during the apocalypse) which gives us the ability to picture your characters and get to know them. You haven't explained every little thing but left some of it up to the readers imagination. You have definitely got the right balance which is great to see!
As I am sure you can tell, I really loved this piece. It is nice and refreshing from the normal zombie stories out there that seem to be told too many times.
Can't wait to read more work like this! ~ Valkyrie
I liked the idea of Biters. Kind of like vampires I guess..
You should fix the parts where they are supposed to be in italics. You must've messed up a bit over there. That's the only mistake I found.
Also I like how you made it so that when someone is bitten then they change. Well that's what I think happens.
I really liked what you wrote so far! I want to know more about these Biters.
Happy Writing,
Cgirl
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