Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
Alex stared at the limp, lifeless body that hung from the ceiling, as it swayed back and forth in a delicate rhythm. The girl's neck had been cut, and her tongue was grotesquely ripped out, and was barely visible from the layers of red and brown blood that flooded from her open wound. The barbed wire that she was hanging from was old and rusty and poked her skin in several places along her neck. She was beautiful, even in death, Alex noticed. Another victim of the Saints. He was wondering why she was displayed outside his house.
Alex got home. The girl's death had not effected him. The Saints killed a lot of people in his area, Drug addicts, dealers and prostitutes mostly. Alex was not afraid, mostly because he was a law abiding citizen. The Saints were more of a vigilante group with a slight difference. Anyone from the local law enforcement to the sweet old woman who sold you cigarettes even though you were underaged could be members. Hell they could be the leaders of your local branch. Most people described them as horrible, gruesome people who take too much into their own hands. Alex disagreed. He thought they were heroes! He loved how they seemed to be the only people dedicated to wiping the metaphorical scrum off the street.
The wind was ferocious that night, and Alex almost missed the rhythmic knocking on his door. He sat up on the couch where he had fallen asleep and checked his watch. "Four A.M. Fuck!" he said under his breath. It was likely just a police check. The knocking sounded again. "I'm coming" Alex said, more to himself than the unknown visitor. He opened the already unlocked door and saw a young woman, in her twenties, probably. "Do you have a phone?" she giggled, obviously pissed drunk, he could smell it off her.
"Yeah I have a phone." Alex sighed. "Here, I'll go get it for ya."
"K k!" she exploded, and continued to dramatically fall to the floor and roll around, kicking Alex's various garden decorations.
Alex returned with his mobile about five minutes later. The girl was gone. She had probably wandered off in her drunken state to reek havoc around the neighborhood. This was the reason that Alex liked the Sai... His though was cut off mid sentence by a dull thud cover head. It sounded someone walking cautiously over a hardwood floor in high-heels. Alex could hear a small scraping sound. This person was dragging something. Something heavy.
He quickly jumped and went straight to the nearest wall. She would not sneak up on him from behind. The living room was illuminated by a soft flicker from the old TV, and it made the room look smaller than it was. The darkness looked like it was over powering the tired light. The street lamp outside partially helped with lighting the room. He could spill see the young girl hanging from the street lamp. Her body still swayed with the vicious wind, like she was dancing with Death himself.
Alex grabbed the nearest weapon, which was a black, metal poker from the fireplace. It ended in a gentle curve, and deadly point. After a quick scan of the room, he approached the stairs, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He felt, excited. All this shit had been happening, with random people being killed outside his home, it would feel good to whack someone over the head until they're unrecognisable. He relished in the thought.As soon as he got upstairs he felt something large and blunt hit him in the back of his head, and he completely blacked out.
Alex woke up with a thumping headache. He was tied to a very uncomfortable chair and trying to adjust himself just made him more uncomfortable. He didn't recognize where was, but that was probably because it was dark. He could hear someone talking on the phone. She sounded a world away, but I'm his blurry vision he could make out the light of a phone and the softly illuminated face of the drunk bimbo from earlier. She was pacing, but speaking calmly.
"Yes, I got your mark. It was thus guy right? Okay, I'll have a report on Tuesday. Because my kid's birthday is Monday. K. Right bye." she snapped her flip phone shut.
"Who are you?" Alex asked calmly, trying to appear strong.
"My name is Madeline" she said, as she lightly caressed the side of his face, and the punched him. The pure shock and pain was enough to make Alex screech, then whimper slightly. "I will be your Saint today" she smiled as she pulled her face close to his. The already swollen bruise on his left cheek made her laugh. "Your weak!"
"Why am I being treated like this!" Alex screamed, mostly to drown out her laughter. Madeline ignored him as she slipped into a pair of latex gloves that reflected the glow of the streetlight. He was still at home, he thought. Now that his vision was focusing he could make our the thick barbed wire swirling over the top of the lamppost. "That girl" he said. "She was put there so you would know which house to come to?" he asked.
"Yes the whore was" she smiled "please address her as a whore, even in death, she is nothing but filth." Madeline spat out the words like poison.
"Why am I being treated like the scrum of the streets?" he asked calmly, not wanting to give her the satisfaction of seeing him squirm.
"I don't know" she answered almost with sympathy in her voice. "I just got orders to take you out." She whispered, followed by a short silence, broken by the sound of her drawing out her comically over sized knife. Madeline leaned in close. "I promise, Alex DeMarta," she whispered. "This'll only hurt a lot."
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Ahh this is A bit to detailed and Alot of other things i couldn't Imagine
If your 15 you might Be A young Gifted Person/Seral Killer in my books thats a good combination
For that story i give you an A+
Look at mine and tell me what you think and get back to me
Thanks
DragonNextec
Great story Bro
Hi!
Whoa, that was...Ugh..A pleasant image at 9pm in the night.
But seriously, what a chilling story! Damn, descriptions in this are really disturbingly brilliant that it may be better than mine! I love the plot idea of this, it's really engaging and interesting that it left me at the edge of my seat and....WHOA! Also, the beginning part of this was really chilling that it made me not want to read it, but at the same time it made me like a puppy begging for more...Weird, isn't it?
That being said, there was a few tiny, TINY grammar errors that are harldy visible to the naked eye. However, I feel like you're telling me a lot of the information in this, like it's being shoved down my throat in some parts. Like this...
"Alex woke up with a thumping headache. He was tied to a very uncomfortable chair and trying to adjust himself just made him more uncomfortable. He didn't recognize where was, but that was probably because it was dark. He could hear someone talking on the phone. She sounded a world away, but I'm his blurry vision he could make out the light of a phone and the softly illuminated face of the drunk bimbo from earlier. She was pacing, but speaking calmly."
This part felt to me like it was shoving it down my throat. I would suggest, (Just a suggestion), some similes and metaphors and stuff. You know, some describing things in there.
Overall, this was...WHOA! EPIC!
Bye!
Thank you! Yeah I have a habit of info-dumping in short stories. XD
Thank you! Yeah I have a habit of info-dumping in short stories. XD
Well, don't give up!
Well, don't give up!
wow.For somebody your age to write something like this,has got quite some skill.Though at the begining i could picture,the dead grl hanging practically right in front of me(very good detail),I enjoy it. Loved how you made me feel like i was Alex or i known what he went through. I didn't want it to end, i don't know about what others think, but i hate being left in suspense. Like why did Madeline go after Alex? Who would want him dead? So all up i liked it alot,if i were to rate it out of 10 it would be a 8.5 well done.
Ohh thank you very much!
Ohh thank you very much!
Hey HighTop!
I love the irony in this story you wrote. A man full of contempt for scum of the streets and praising the work of the "Saints" only to be killed by the "Saints."
You have some punctuation and spelling mistakes, probably a result of copy and pasting or typing too fast but I will point a couple of the more distracting ones.
This isn't a big deal as it's easy to see what you meant but when I first read it I thought to myself, "Why would a limo be hanging from the ceiling?"
That part is confusing and I recommend that you change 'whore' to 'she' to clear things up.
You have some lapses in your diction. For example the first sentence is this
This is great, I love your prose and word choice in this sentence. You have sentences like that but then you go to a more childish/simple sentence like this
[quote] Most people described them as horrible, gruesome people who take too much into their own hands. Alex disagreed. He thought they were heroes! [quote]
In here your character sounds like he is 9 years old and talking about his favorite baseball team. If you re-word it and combine some of the sentences it will greatly improve the quality of the sentence(s).
In other words your story could use some work but it was a really great concept and creepy at the same time. Made me think of "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson.
Hope this helped!
~Stellabeam
I'm glad someone found the irony! XD Yes I agree that the story needs some work!
Loved it! There were a few typos, but whatever. You probably already know that, and it isn't a big deal. I loved the plot. It really got me interested from the beginning, with the fantastic description of the hanged girl. It was kind of like how Kira from Deathnote is with killing criminals... But I definitely loved the end, wondering what Alex did to be tortured and killed by the saints. Either you meant to make out Alex as extremely sharp, or I think it's a bit odd he automatically knew why "the whore" was put there. Other than that, GREAT story. Can't wait for a follow-up!!! Please do one!
Thank you for the kind words!
Hello, my Squishy!
First of all, love you. Second of all, damn boy. This was dark/creepy. XD
On to the review!
Alright, tons of spelling/grammar mistakes, my friend! XD
A few commas missing:
(This is a mistake I repeatedly found. Don't forget the commas, my dear!)
I think that this sentence would flow better with 'most.'
Pretty sure 'in' was supposed to be here instead of 'I'm.'
Missing a space after 'thought.'
'You're,' not 'your!'
Something else I found was the punctuation after quotations. Words after question marks and exclamation points must always be capitalized!
I disagree with IntellectualBacon. I feel the 'K' gives the dialogue a more realistic feel as I've heard many people say it, and I often say it myself. And trust me I am a huge grammar freak...
If you haven't been able to tell...
The only thing I wouldn't do is 'Kk.' Actually, I'd make the first one 'K,' instead of 'kk,' and eliminate the second one and say, "Right. Bye." But that is only my opinion and as the writer you can choose whatever you think suits the story best! XD (Oh and if you keep it, "Right bye." You need a comma after 'right.')
Oo. Another thing. I think it'd add some drama if the last sentence was like this:
"I promise, Alex DeMarta," she whispered. "This'll only hurt... a lot."
(Hope I didn't sound harsh!)
Other than that, this was fabulously wicked! I always forget that you wrote, The Biting Game: Alice's Story. Probably because I think of you as my Squishy... but you are amazing at these twisted short stories! I love it! <3
Keep writing!
Thank you dear! Especially for taking the time to point everything out! Your review is extremely appreciated!!!!!!!
Whoa, violent. But I still liked it quite a lot. Couldn't stop reading.
Alright, firstly, a lot of spelling errors. From the first sentence, I was confused. "Alex stated at the limo, lifeless body..."
Two spelling mistakes in the first sentence. While your story was good, these things really bring the level of fluidity down from what it could be.
Next, I find some grammar issues, too.
"The barbed wire that she hung from was old and rusty and poked her skin in several places along her neck She was beautiful..."
No period! To me (and quite some other grammar freaks out there), this makes reading your story hard for me, and it feels like a run on sentence with an improper capital letter.
Lastly, at the part where Alex meets the "piss drunk woman", I mentally cringed when I saw the dialogue as "K k!". No matter how drunk someone is, I highly doubt anybody says "kk" in human speech. Same thing with Madeline when she was on the phone. Please, please, PLEASE take out any and all "k"s in all pieces you write.
Overall, though, a thrilling horror story.
Gosh darn
spelling and grammar errors, I will fix them immediately!

You should visit Ireland if you think no-one actually says 'k' xD it's everyone's catchphrase!
Also thank you for your kind words!
Also I think it's slightly rude to insist that I remove anything from ALL the pieces I write. It's helpful to say it didn't quite fit, it's rude to say I must remove, what is purely a stylistic choice on my part, from everything I write based on nothing but your own personal dislike.
Sorry if I offended you, and I'll definitely add Ireland to "places to see". It's just a preference as a reader myself, especially since I'm not adjusted to seeing "k"s in writing.
-Bacon