I'm technically not accepting review requests in my WRFF thread but since we're on the same team I suppose I can make an exception!
Specifics
1.
Your punctuation is awkward here, it seems to suggest that we should read this as the people are looking-well and are mad, when I'm sure you meant one of the following:Everybody is crowded around the camcorder, looking-well mad.
they are looking well mad.
or
they are looking, well, mad.
These both have very different tones so have a think about which you want to create.
2.
You have no idea where they'reare, they won't move.
3. The full caps is over dramatic and makes your writing look unprofessional. The only time I've seen it used in a professional book/ used effectively at all is Terry Pratchett's where his character Death speaks in full capitals. This is to demonstrate that Death doesn't actually speak, but rather the words are simply there and are disconnected from him and you get this explanation the first time he speaks, then every time you see the words in full caps, you remember it and remember that this is Death not-speaking. The character talks little throughout the books which adds to it being effective as it's always a surprise to see and in this way Pratchett makes it a unique and interesting thing. Here it feels very teenage.
4. I'm not sure if this character is talking on a screen or into a microphone or what? It may just be that you've broken your story up awkwardly and given us a section which now doesn't have the needed introduction, but I'm confused. Is this a conversation between two people in person or is the narrator listening to someone make an announcement? It feels like it should be the latter, but then the description doesn't seem to match.
5. It's interesting that you've decided to write this in second person, but it isn't quite working. It might be that I'm coming in at the end so I've missed the part where you engage with the audience, but there's not enough description or sense of setting to place the reader in this character 'you's' body. It's like getting half a conversation where you know you are supposed to be doing something and people keep talking at you, but you can't quite hear everything - in the same way I know I'm meant to be involved in the story but I don't know who I am or where I am. I like the idea and maybe it works when you've read the earlier chapters, but more description and awareness can only help. Remind the reader of where they are and describe what's happening around them.
6.
Maybe it's one of those things where one act will be like a stack of domino's.
7.
You need to keep your tenses consistent.Today is my birthday, but nobody knows that,except, maybe the principle. I sighed and threw the plane back.
8. You need to establish that they are on a bus sooner - I immediately thought classroom and then it was confusing to be told I was wrong.
Overall
This doesn't feel like an ending. I get that Reme is obviously related to the 'you' in the past and this is meant to be a big revelation, therefore a strong enough point to end the story on, but it doesn't feel like anything has been concluded where the virus is concerned or like this domino of changes has happened or will happen. There are some good ideas here but you also need to proof read and tidy up your sentences as there are some missing words/ letters. I pointed out a few above but you need to read through carefully so you don't miss the others as well.
I'd also like to see more of Reme's character. It's difficult to get a feel for her because she talks like she's mad but supposedly isn't as angry as she seems to be? Then we don't see many of her thoughts in the end - how does she feel? Does she feel defeated or hopeful? Does she feel sad that the other students aren't very friendly toward her? This is from a first person perspective so you have a really great opportunity to show us how this failure to change the world immediately ha affected her.
I hope that helps a little!
Heather xx
Points: 6235
Reviews: 2631
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