z

Young Writers Society



Preventing The End Of The World END

by deleted17


"We know what caused this. And we know who."

Everybody is crowded around the camcorder, looking-well mad. Rhonda, Dylan,Vernon, and Reme. You have no idea where they're are, they won't move.

"Here's the story: The government did know about it, but they didn't create the virus. It's been around since- nobody even knows. And the worst part: THEY DID NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING. They didn't even bother looking for a cure! I'm pissed off about that. Really, REALLY, pissed off about that. So when the death number increases in 'mysterious' deaths, they didn't care."

Reme doesn't look as mad as she really is. Then she starts to smile in a sly way, like a-a-troll face.

"That's where YOU come in my friend."

Okay now she's really friendly. Thats...creepy. Like, you walk at night and you turn around suddenly and-BAM! There's somebody there right behind you.

"You, raise awareness when the death toll of mysterious deaths comes up. Like, WAAAAYYY up. Trust me, it will happen in your generation. In fact, it happens in about... Five years."

What the-? Is she crazy?! You don't know if you can do this, how are you going to to do that in five years? Just when you start to them, they get high expections of you. Maybe this is a prank.

Then she surprises you. She starts to explain how to do it, and what to do. Neighborhood watch, missing kids, anything that can either get the government attention, or raise suspicion. Then in five years, start to go a little overboard. Just a little.

"Well, this is going to be the last recording of us."

"But, Reme, what's going to happen to us?"

"I don't know Rhonda, I don't know. Let's hope that we prevented the end of the world."

With no special good bye, she signs off, and that is the last that you ever saw of her, or anybody else.

You thought.

Five Years Later...

You're walking home again, fondly remembering Reme and her gang. Vernon's birthday, with the twinkies! Suddenly, you hear that noise again. You run up, hoping that a last recording is there, but instead, Reme is standing there. She looks sad and tired. You ask her whats wrong, but the only thing she can do is nod.

"Everythings the same in the future, nothings changed."

You tell her to be patient and wait a little longer. Maybe it's one of those things were one act will be like a stack of domino's. She just shrugs and looks at you right in the eye.

"You look like my mom."

With that she leaves, but instead you don't feel forgotten, you feel closure.

One Hundred Years Later, December 20....

A paper plane hit my head. I try to ignore it but Caden starts to taunt me.

"She's reading the dictionary! Creamie Remie is reading the dictionary!"

Today is my birthday, but nobody knows that,except, maybe the principle. I sighed and threw the plane back.

"Shut Up Caden!"

My mom told me that there used to be real human beings driving the school buses, not some stupid robot. I look outside the window. I was reading, but I wasn't reading the dictionary. I was reading my great-great-great-great uncles diary. Well, this was interesting. They'd made a cure after a century later for this virus, but my uncle knew someone in the family that kept on pushing the government to tell us the truth: what was the real cause of the all the deaths? The government didn't say, but then somebody got a video of a zombie on a cell phone. And it went from there. He has a picture of the person. It kinda looks like my mom.

Something caught my eye. Oh great, another freakin' person got infected. I walk up to the robot and filed a report on the person. I had to stop the bus to do that.

"REME!" They shouted at me. This was the third time this week that I saw some on the way to school and reported it.

They say kids aren't supposed to know how to drive buses, but I can, so I'm the only that can actually drive and use the features on the dashboard. My uncle also says that some people thought the world was going to end, so they went underground. Stupid.

I always ask my mom why she named me Reme, but all she said was that I would find soon.

"How the hell does Reme know how to use the bus?" It's a common whisper.

I hope I find out why my mom taught me these skills soon. She's not normal, but she's awesome.


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:44 am
Rydia wrote a review...



I'm technically not accepting review requests in my WRFF thread but since we're on the same team I suppose I can make an exception!

Specifics

1.

Everybody is crowded around the camcorder, looking-well mad.
Your punctuation is awkward here, it seems to suggest that we should read this as the people are looking-well and are mad, when I'm sure you meant one of the following:

they are looking well mad.
or
they are looking, well, mad.

These both have very different tones so have a think about which you want to create.

2.
You have no idea where they're are, they won't move.


3. The full caps is over dramatic and makes your writing look unprofessional. The only time I've seen it used in a professional book/ used effectively at all is Terry Pratchett's where his character Death speaks in full capitals. This is to demonstrate that Death doesn't actually speak, but rather the words are simply there and are disconnected from him and you get this explanation the first time he speaks, then every time you see the words in full caps, you remember it and remember that this is Death not-speaking. The character talks little throughout the books which adds to it being effective as it's always a surprise to see and in this way Pratchett makes it a unique and interesting thing. Here it feels very teenage.

4. I'm not sure if this character is talking on a screen or into a microphone or what? It may just be that you've broken your story up awkwardly and given us a section which now doesn't have the needed introduction, but I'm confused. Is this a conversation between two people in person or is the narrator listening to someone make an announcement? It feels like it should be the latter, but then the description doesn't seem to match.

5. It's interesting that you've decided to write this in second person, but it isn't quite working. It might be that I'm coming in at the end so I've missed the part where you engage with the audience, but there's not enough description or sense of setting to place the reader in this character 'you's' body. It's like getting half a conversation where you know you are supposed to be doing something and people keep talking at you, but you can't quite hear everything - in the same way I know I'm meant to be involved in the story but I don't know who I am or where I am. I like the idea and maybe it works when you've read the earlier chapters, but more description and awareness can only help. Remind the reader of where they are and describe what's happening around them.

6.
Maybe it's one of those things where one act will be like a stack of domino's.


7.
Today is my birthday, but nobody knows that,except, maybe the principle. I sighed and threw the plane back.
You need to keep your tenses consistent.

8. You need to establish that they are on a bus sooner - I immediately thought classroom and then it was confusing to be told I was wrong.

Overall

This doesn't feel like an ending. I get that Reme is obviously related to the 'you' in the past and this is meant to be a big revelation, therefore a strong enough point to end the story on, but it doesn't feel like anything has been concluded where the virus is concerned or like this domino of changes has happened or will happen. There are some good ideas here but you also need to proof read and tidy up your sentences as there are some missing words/ letters. I pointed out a few above but you need to read through carefully so you don't miss the others as well.

I'd also like to see more of Reme's character. It's difficult to get a feel for her because she talks like she's mad but supposedly isn't as angry as she seems to be? Then we don't see many of her thoughts in the end - how does she feel? Does she feel defeated or hopeful? Does she feel sad that the other students aren't very friendly toward her? This is from a first person perspective so you have a really great opportunity to show us how this failure to change the world immediately ha affected her.

I hope that helps a little!

Heather xx




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 8:09 am
StoneHeart wrote a review...



Hey wholesome! Black here dropping by for a quick review day review! Hope it helps you out!

So; my thoughts. #1 Wow. Originality has no bounds in this piece. I really enjoy your way of introducing Reme. Your wording and style are both really amazing and visual -amazing job there. Your character's seem real, interesting, and VERY intriguing. Great work on this piece! I really enjoyed reading it and seriously do hope that you post some more of it sometime here. Let me know when you do! I'd love to read and review more!

Okay, yes sadly, you do have problems. I'll cover three of the main ones, but I must warn you that there are more things that need work! So, what are these three problems? #1 Your style of introducing has issues in a number of levels. I'll do what I can to help you out, but . . . ouch. #2 Your grammar and spelling have some serious issues. I have some suggestions. #3 You aren't making much sense. This ties closely to #1, but still, I need to concentrate on it separately.

Note that though I AM reviewing this piece for you, you still need to do a lot of work on it. YOU have to work on it. YOU have to sit down and actually edit. Otherwise; why did I review? If you need more help I'd love to do what I can! PM me!

So, for #1: Your style of introducing the story. What I didn't like/ your problem is that you used second person incorrectly, gave the wrong information at the wrong time, and switched from second to first person's (big no-no). That's pretty much ALL of the problem. Now let's go into each in a bit more detail. Let's work some things out on the base level -_-.

You used second person incorrectly: Second person, as you may know, utilizes the pronoun 'you' . . . and if you use it incorrectly then you've got a problem. What's wrong with your use of it? Did you do some grammar mistake peculiar to this person? . . . Not really actually. You just used it at all. You aren't talking about 'me' myself in this part of the story, don't use 'you'. You need to be careful with second person. It's REALLY hard to use. For a relative beginner I advise consistency in your use of persons. Try first or third!

Also, you CAN switch between first and third person's without raising eyebrows (too much), but switching between second person and ANYTHING else is a highway to hell for your story. DON'T do it. It confuses your reader on who is who and, in my personal opinion, makes one five-star mess.

Now finally: What did I mean 'gave the wrong information at the wrong time'? What I mean is really quite simple: The information you fed out (while in second person) was critical info . . . the kind of information that makes a story turn. And in my opinion you gave it out way too early. You should save information like that for later in the story. Feed it in through intense scenes. Let your character FIND the information. It'll help building the emotional bonds and all that mushy stuff.

Okay, for #2: Your grammar. Usually people give huge amounts of quotes and fixes in this part of their reviews . . . but I have found that it's generally easier for people to find that information on their own. Focusing on plot, character's and such seems to work out better. So what I'm going to do here is explain the problem, prove the problem, and fix the problem! Here goes!

Your problem: you put in awkward information and don't use your punctuation to it's real, full potential! By awkward information I mean information that is just a glitch in your flow, a little piece of useless knowledge (WHY DID HE SAY THAT?!). By not using your punctuation to full potential, I mean you've got a lot of places where you could have used your punctuation better (but weren't technically incorrect in what you did).

Proof of the problem: I'll just be giving a couple of quick quotes and descriptions here.

They say kids aren't supposed to know how to drive buses, but I can, so I'm the only that can actually drive and use the features on the dashboard. My uncle also says that some people thought the world was going to end, so they went underground. Stupid.


I see a spot or two here where you could have used semi-colon's instead of comma's -they would have brought your visualiness to a whole new level! Also, why did you repeat yourself. You only need to mention that she knows how to drive once . . . in one line. Also, the second part of this paragraph is completely unattached to any other part of your piece! Where did it come from?!

I hope I find out why my mom taught me these skills soon. She's not normal, but she's awesome.


If you used a semi-colon instead of comma here you'd really do better. Semi-colon's show buildup -(before) and release (after). Okay there you go for examples! You have a LOT more, let me assure you.

Now for a solution: For your punctuation I advise you to look up an article which describes punctuation, it's use, and it's effect. Knowing what punctuation does to your writing is important. Tell yourself what you want what you write to sound like, then use appropriate punctuation to make it sound like that! For your grammar . . . try to plan out each chapter a bit -if that helps. Have an idea of where you're headed! Know what you're going to describe. Try it!

And you know what? Forget #3. I think that if you fix your grammar-not-making-sense problem and your flipping of persons . . . you should make a lot more sense. But be sure to get back to me on this! PM me when you've edited and I can re-look into it. THEN this section will be appropriate (really though, do do it!).

Okay, so that's it for this review! Be sure to work on your grammar and punctuation problems, don't switch persons like you do, and try to be a bit more . . . linear. But really; good job (might I ask you not to try to draw TOO much from Zombieland?). Keep it up!

P.s. If you want to follow up on this review then please do so via PM! Thanks! Also, if you wanna be really nice then drop by my WRFF thread (or Feedback 101 club) or PM box and let me know what you thought of this review! What did you think? What would you like in it? What would you NOT like in it! Where does it need work! LET ME KNOW! Think of me as just asking for a review in return! Thanks again!


~Black~




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 7:09 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hey again :) Here to review the ending.

It was good how halfway through the chapter you bring Reme back and we realize that the future hasn't change. We kind of lose all hope that zombies are able to be defeated, but the main character doesn't because although he's been told it's not use, he still follows his previous instructions.

Yet we still get a happy ending, and you kind of summarise it in the ending. I like how Reme still faintly remembers this person who rose awareness in her past, how he faintly resembles her mother. It was a nice little detail there :)

One of the major problems I thought of, with this story, is a plothole. If Reme was a time hopper, why didn't she just hop back in time and sort out the problem herself. She could do that if she wanted to. And if she thought the future wasn't going to change, why didn't she just decide to hop back in time and bring her friends with her for safety? It could've worked like that ;)

Instead I think you need to limit her time hopping abilities. Maybe she can hop with only one person at a time. And it's extremely tiring, so she decides to stay in her current time period, and not choose one of her friends to survive. Or maybe her time hopping powers are wearing off, and she can somehow tell she only has two hops left, so she saves them for the two cases where she'll really need them.

You've added in more details to this chapter, so it really improves, at least, in my opinion. Keep writing, and adding in details. Good job with this story :)

Deanie x






Well, it's she's 13 that she can't do anything in the past. If you're 13 and say "The world is going to end by zombies!" What would you do? You would go find help. (If you're like me, though, you'd quit right there)
So that's what Reme did. She got the help of YOU.



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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:50 am
manisha wrote a review...



Hey reader!
Compared to the others I think this one is by far the rest. The flow in this one is good. You have improved in this chapter.

"That's where YOU come in my friend."
Okay now she's really friendly. Thats...creepy. Like, you walk at night and you turn around suddenly and-BAM! There's somebody there right behind you.

I do not understand your reference here. There is nothing creepy in being called 'my friend'. It is commonly used and the other person doesn't necessarily has to be a friend. Even if I assume it is creepy, the walk in the night example doesn't relate at all. You are surprised or scared or something on those lines when someone is there right behind you.

"You, raise awareness when the death toll of mysterious deaths comes up. In fact, it happens in about... Five years.

There is no need of a comma after you. And the usage of ellipsis is unnecessary. Actually, it is a wrong usage. They are used when you want to leave an unfinished thought as that. If you want to show a break then use a dash'-".

I was reading, but I wasn't reading the dictionary. I was reading my great-great-great-great uncles diary.
Uncles is uncle's.

Other than these few nitpicks I didn't find anything else. I'm guess that Reme is my daughter. Nice twist.
Keep writing!
Hope I helped!
-manisha





I just write poetry to throw my mean callous heartless exterior into sharp relief. I’m going to throw you off the ship anyway.
— Vogon Captain (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)