z

Young Writers Society


12+

Highborn Journey Part 5

by Celticmusicgirl


"Don't be frightened, Cathleen," A familiar voice that sounded clear, high, and pure like tinkling bells responds, "We're here to help you."

"But who are you? Where are you?"

Just then Cathleen feels a light tugging on the rope binding her hands.

"Look around."

Obediently, Cathleen looks around her. She is in a meadow next to what looks like the forest that she was being chased through earlier. As she looks about her, Cathleen notices small spots of color floating here and there throughout the meadow. Then, one moves very close in front of Cathleen and she sees that it is a faery with long black hair and green eyes wearing a long white dress.

"How--How is this possible? I thought faeries were forbidden to interact with humans."

Cathleen's bonds fall away from her hands. She stands and stretches her stiff muscles.

"Far from that, my dear. As a matter of fact, you have more in common with us than you think."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that you are more than just a human princess. You are half-faery and half-human. Your mother, Cathleen, was one of us."

" You knew Mum?"

"Yes."

"Do you know what happened to her?"

The faery's face becomes sad for a moment before quickly recovering to her serious expression.

"That is a story for another time. For now, we should get you to safety before Brian wakes up."

"Right, but we need to find a way to save my father. Brian will kill him to get the throne."

"Don't worry, we'll save him. Come with us. We will teach you everything you need to know about your heritage. My name's Rebecca by the way."

" Wait, what about Father? He will be worried if he doesn't find me in the morning. How do I know that Father is safe?"

"We'll send a message to your father letting him know that you are alright. Now, come with us, Cathleen. You'll be safe with us."

"But where are you taking me?"

"We will lead you to our home deep in the forest. We'll get you something to eat, then you can rest and tomorrow we'll start your training."

"Alright, I'll go with you. I don't think I want to be around when Brian wakes up."

The Faeries start toward the woods with Cathleen following closely. They lead Cathleen deep into the woods, where they stop at the base of a giant oak tree.

"Why have we stopped here?" Cathleen asks curiously.

"This is our home, now we are going to transform you into one of our kind so you will be able to enter. When we get in here, we'll get you a new dress and something to eat."

Cathleen looks down at her dress, just now realizing how tattered and dirty it is.

"Alright, but will I be able to control my movements when you transform me?"

"Don't worry, that's part of the magic. It will feel like you were one of us to start with. You will be able to do everything you would normally do. Just like you were in your human form."

"Alright, let's do it."

Rebecca nods and says, "Close your eyes."

Cathleen closes her eyes just as Rebecca starts to chant in Gaelic as if saying some sort of strange prayer. Cathleen feels her body become lighter and soon she feels wings growing out of her back.

"Cathleen, it's over, come inside." Rebecca says gently after a few moments.

Cathleen opens her eyes to find that she really is the same size as Rebecca and the other faeries. She feels her ears and finds that they are pointed just like the faeries' ears. Her wings start to flutter lifting her an inch or two off the ground.

"Wow." Cathleen says in amazement.

Rebecca laughs gently and looks at Cathleen with kind, understanding eyes.

"You'll get used to your new body soon enough, now follow me."

Rebecca flies up and lands on a high branch in the tree. Cathleen, unsure how to fly, tries to tell her wings to move, but they remain stationary.

One of the faeries on the forest floor with her approaches and says "Try thinking about flying up onto the branch. That's how we do it."

Cathleen stands there a moment considering what to think.

Up

She lifts off the ground. She tries again.

Land next to Rebecca.

She flies up onto the branch and lands next to Rebecca followed by the other faeries.

"Good Job, Cathleen." Rebecca says approvingly. " Now, let's go inside and get you cleaned up."

Rebecca takes Cathleen's hand and leads gently leads into a small door at the base of the branch. To humans, this door would look like any other knot in the tree. Upon entering inside, Cathleen is amazed to find that the inside of the tree is filled with tables and chairs, as well as many smaller rooms around the tree. Rebecca leads Cathleen into one of the rooms and shuts the door.

"Alright, Cathleen let's find you something to wear. Then we'll get some food."

Rebecca over to another door, stands there looking in it for a moment, then pulls out a long purple gown with a blue sash around the waist and a brush.

"This dress will look great on you. And once you're dressed we'll comb out your beautiful hair."

Rebecca helps Cathleen into the gown, then brushes Cathleen's hair and pulls it back into a waist length braid.

"Are you ready to go get something to eat?" Rebecca asks with an admiring smile.

"Sure."

Rebecca leads Cathleen back out into the main section of the tree where the tables and chairs are set up where the two sit down in front of a plate of fruits and vegetables.

"Eat up, Cathleen. You need your strength. Meanwhile, I'm going to talk with some others about what to do to help your father."

Cathleen nods and says "Thank-you, Rebecca."

Rebecca flies over to another table while Cathleen, too tired and anxious to eat, just picks at the food on her plate.

A few moments later, Rebecca returns to the table where Cathleen is sitting.

"Cathleen, I think we've found a solution. We have three days before Brian is going to attack your father. In the meantime, we will teach you how to use your powers. Then, we will go and save your father."


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Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:07 am
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello! Just a heads up first that I haven't read the other parts so I'm reviewing this without any knowledge of what happens etc. so take what I say with a pinch of salt. For example, if I tell you a character needs to be described more, but you've done that in an earlier part, then just ignore me!

Specifics

1.

"Don't be frightened, Cathleen." A familiar voice that sounded like bells responds, "We're here to help you."
This is a slightly awkward place to break the dialogue and the description of the voice is a little awkward. I think it could just as easily come at the end - we don't need to know at this exact moment what the voice sounds like. If the person is performing an action after part of their dialogue then it's good to insert it in the middle, but for general description, you should write the full dialogue first and then the description. Here's a quick example of a re-write:

"Don't be frightened, Cathleen, we're here to help you." The voice is a familiar clanging of bells, but the speaker is not to be seen.

So what I've done is I've defined what kind of sound the bells make because all bells sound different. You get little tinkly bells or big booming bells so saying the person sounds like bells actually tells us nothing of their voice - you need to be more specific.

2. I think Cathleen agrees very quickly to let the faeries use magic on her. I don't know if this is because of an already established trust and love of them, but I'd be more concerned about the idea of 'thinking I was one of them' and probably ask if I got to keep my human memories or if they would turn me back afterward. Maybe if you made the running away feel more urgent then it would be easier to understand her quick acceptance, but at the moment it feels very relaxed and cheery. There isn't a sense of fear and so I'm not afraid that they will get caught either.

3. I'd like more description of how it feels when she's flying. I'm really liking your plot here, but I want to experience everything she does. Do her wings feel like a part of her, can she feel them moving, turning in one direction and then another or does she simply seem to float? Does she feel like the wind moves her or like she moves herself?

4.
Rebecca takes Cathleen's hand and leads gently leads her into through a small door at the base of the branch.


5. I'd love some more description of the door - is it quite simple or really ornate? Does Cathleen wonder how humans can possibly not see that it's a door or does it blend well into the tree?

6. Do faeries still have different dress sizes and body shapes? Will the dress automatically fit her because a faerie is a standard size or do they need to measure her first?

Overall

I like this, but I'd like more description of the faerie world. I understand that Cathleen is concerned about her father, but there isn't really a feeling of heavy emotion and if you aren't focusing on that, why not focus on describing this new world instead? It all feels very light hearted and moves quickly. One moment she has just got here, the next they have a decisive plan to rescue her father. Things like that can take days to consider - if they want to involve her in it, or if they want to shelter her.

I hope this helps a little!

Heather xx




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Sun Aug 25, 2013 1:42 am
manisha wrote a review...



Heyya Celtic!
manisha here to review!
I haven't read the previous chapters so I'm sorry if I something wrong.

"I mean , that you are more than just a human princess. You are half-faery and half-human. Your mother, Cathleen was one of us."
A comma after Cathleen.

I was looking forward to see how Cathleen feels in her fairy form. How suddenly everything looks different from her new height, how big the leaves look when she gets near to them, how different is the life of the fairies, things like that. I would like to see more details.

"Rebecca flies over to another table while Cathleen, too tired and anxious to eat just picks at the food on her plate. "
A comma after 'too tired and anxious to eat'.
As a chapter by itself it was good! You have good flow and a simple writing style.
I enjoyed this read even if I have no idea what is happening to her(I know, sounds weird)

Hope I helped!
Keep writing!

-manisha





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