Young Writers Society

Hey Canary, Black here for a quick review for ya!

Okay, so nice work here. The title, 'A bit delusional' really fits it nicely! I really enjoyed! You have powerful wording and really neat imagery, both of which I appreciate, and your grammar and spelling are fairly decent, which is important. Problems? Well, I found two main problems, one in your general grammar, and the other in your style of presentation.

Okay, the second one comes first here! Now understand that your problem really isn't a problem, persay, it's just something you could have done better on. Read this piece to me, aloud. Tell me what you thought. Was it particularly entertaining? If so, I didn't really see it. Solution: You can usually present points such as this one really well in a STORY.

Story meaning a work of fiction . . . and works of fiction are easier to read than pieces like this; somewhere between an essay and a rant as it is. Also, if written properly, a good short story can show the theme even better than simply directly stating it as you are here. Maybe you could just try it? I think it would work out quite well for you! Good luck!

Now for your grammar problem. The problem here is directly tied to the other problem. You are being hard to understand. Now, though some people would dis-agree with me, I believe that writing should 'flow' easily when read. If it doesn't flow, it isn't read. And your piece doesn't really flow. Now, good flow for action can mean short sentences, while the opposite may be mentioned about description.

For this piece I'll advise you to go for something in-between. Not long, drawn out sentences, not short, jerky sentences, but not a mix. Something in-between (size-wise). Keep a note on what different pieces of punctuation do to your writing, and be ready to make full use of them in portraying your points. Try it out. It'll help, I think.

Anyway, those are your two problems, and if you worked on them I think this piece could improve a LOT! Nice work! Keep writing (did I mention you had good wording?). If you need anything else just PM me; I'd be glad to give a hand! Good luck again!


~Black~

Hey Lita!

Shady here with a review for you this fine afternoon. c:

You've got an interesting piece here.

As Jcsm mentioned below, I do think that your piece could benefit from stanzas. I read your comment about not being sure how to make them, so I came up with an idea-- like a free-verse.

I think I could learn, I could learn to live in ignorance. I could be numb, I could be hopeless. My dreams could fade, my nightmares would end. The restlessness of a day unspent. The anxiety, and the angst that comes with. I could learn to live with myself, rather than to endure it.

I think I could learn-
I could learn to live in
ignorance.

I could be numb;
I could be hopeless.
My dreams could fade-
My nightmares would end.

The restlessness of
a day unspent.
The anxiety, and the
angst that comes with.

I could learn to live
with myself, rather
than to endure it.

I'm not one to talk alot on this matter but you may benefit more than I would from writing in stanzas.

I could be numb, I could be hopeless is a very strong opening. The description of feelings in "My memories, a pestilence coming unto me as if driven mad by the scent of my emotion". it's really good, very clear and easy to relate too. I like how you ended it with going beyond your understanding it sets up the next writing you may do. You could continue on trying to understand or just as you said learn to live with ignorance....the way the poem is written give you options.