Hi there, Jcsmooth! Here to review your piece.
I see that you're new here, and already you have two shiny starts. Well done
Righty, so I'll start my review now. Fairly good title you have there. 'This is how the note Read'. It could be shortened to 'How The Note Read', but not bad. What I said just now is probably the only nice thing I'll say in this review.
To be honest, I don't know where the story is going. The Author's Note is more than a little insulting. Let me tell you: you either add the punctuation in all the right places, or you don't. Simple as that. You don't just insert them in random places and leave out others and claim it's how a desperate/dying man would write. Because then, we lose interest. We don't want to read on. We don't take you seriously, because you don't take your own writing seriously.
I'd wish that this was the only fault I found here, but alas, it is not. This piece, as a whole, is one big fail in my eyes. We learn nothing in here, other than that this dying person is dying, and he claims he's dying because of a woman we know not a blessed thing about. And then he claims he loves her, in a childish way. To me, this sounds like a douchepants kind of person I never want to read about. Sure, things might be clearer in the next chapters, but then what is the purpose of this chapter?
So, fix this mess. Rewrite the whole thing, if it comes to that. Give us more emotion than this. Less description of how her hair smells. Read it out loud, that will help loads- there's something about hearing your own voice say all these poorly-constructed sentences that turns on the inner editor in you. You suddenly pick up on everything wrong in your writing. Also, give us a real ending to this prologue. As the readers, we deserve at least that.
Please spend more than just five minutes on this, if you are serious about continuing it. Many bestsellers start with a letter, and it's wonderfully written and filled with brilliant sentences that makes you want to read on. They hook you. So far, this is anything but hooking. But with revision and changes, who knows.
Keep on writing! Cheers,
Alpha
Points: 17265
Reviews: 107
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